It is the character of history to pass over in silence years of peace,
and to dwell copiously on seasons of war or scenes of discord. Seeing
then that our friends at Neverden and Smatterton are now peacefully
reconciled, and all is proceeding with them smoothly and calmly, we
will turn our attention to the fugitives, and follow the gallant one
and the lovely one on their perilous and ill-advised excursion.
It will however be necessary to present our readers with two letters,
one from Colonel Crop to Lord Spoonbill, and one from Lord Spoonbill
to Colonel Crop; and we beg to caution all editors, publishers, and
proprietors of “Polite Letter-writers,” against pirating these letters
for the purpose of enriching and rendering more attractive their said
books on the subject of letter-writing. The first letter of the two is
as follows:
“MY LORD,
“Your lordship’s letter came to hand. In answer to which I have the
honor to say, that the lady is disposed to accompany me to town,
whenever it shall please your lordship.
“I have the honor to be,
My Lord,
Your Lordship’s most obedient, &c.”
In answer to this his lordship replied:
“MY DEAR CROP,
“You are the best fellow in the world. Take it for granted that your
fortune is made. Come as soon as you can. Bring the dear angel to
Erpingham’s cottage, and send me word immediately on your arrival.
“Yours, ever faithfully,
SPOONBILL.”
This last letter arrived the very day before that on which Miss Glossop
was destined to return home. Happy therefore was the gallant colonel
when, by means of a stolen interview with the young lady, he learned
from her that she was prepared to take her flight as early as possible
on the following morning. Preparations were accordingly made; and
at six o’clock in the morning, as already recorded, the young lady,
accompanied by her military guardian, forsook the beautiful plains of
Neverden and the splendid towers of Smatterton.
A journey is pleasant and animating. There is something in rapidity of
movement quite inspiring. It cheers the dejected spirits. It enlivens
the stupid, and clears away the vapours from the stagnant soul. It
decidedly brightens the wits. Hence we find that jockies are so very
keen and knowing; the rapidity with which they are carried along is
the cause of their shrewdness. Hackney-coachmen are stupid people,
and waggoners are stupider still. As slow movements are unfavourable
to the wits, so are they also depressing to the spirits. And we think
that it was an additional punishment to the rogues that were formerly
hung at Tyburn, that they were condemned to be slowly dragged through
the streets. For though no man is ever in a great hurry to be hanged,
yet, to have been galloped over the stones at a good round pace would
not have been half so dismal as to crawl along at a snail’s pace.
Furthermore it may be remarked, that whenever gentlemen ride or drive
furiously, it is a symptom that they are either melancholy or stupid,
and that by worrying horses to death they are endeavouring to cheer
their own spirits or to brighten their wits. And once more it is also
worthy of remark, how prodigiously stupid some men are, seeing that
though they frequently travel most rapidly, and ride and drive most
furiously, and leap over hedges and ditches, floundering, galloping,
roaring, tearing and shrieking after hares and foxes; yet, after all,
they remain as stupid as hackney-coachmen, who have never moved more
rapidly than at the rate of five miles in an hour. This paragraph may
be omitted in the reading if the reader thinks it too profound.
The rapidity of movement produced an agreeable effect on the travellers
of whom we are speaking. For Miss Glossop was in remarkably high
spirits, and the colonel was so animated as to talk incessantly for
the first five minutes of the journey, and, when he had finished, Miss
Glossop talked incessantly all the rest of the way.
There is something so peculiarly pathetic in the phrase, “Ah! little
did he think,” &c., that we cannot pass by the suitable occasion here
afforded for the introduction of such phraseology. Though by the way
it is not perhaps any great addition to a calamity that a man does not
long beforehand anticipate it, and thereby suffer from anticipation
more pain perhaps than he endures from the reality. To proceed however
with our pathetics.
Ah! little did Lord Spoonbill think, while he was looking forward to
a rapturous meeting with his adored and beloved and angelic Penelope,
whom he loved as dearly as Werter loved his Charlotte; little did
his lordship think what an insufferable blockhead was Colonel Crop
not to remember Penelope Primrose, or not to distinguish between
her and Arabella Glossop. And little did his lordship think what a
pert, forward hussey was this said Arabella, that from so slight an
acquaintance and with so great facility she should throw herself into
the arms of a comparative stranger!
To change the scene again. Ah! little did Arabella Glossop think, when
journeying up to London, delighted in her escape from the tyranny
of Lady Aimwell, and pleased to have eluded the vigilance of her
father, while she was gabbling and chattering with all the boisterous
impertinence of high spirits, and looking forward to a proudly blushing
meeting with her superfine hereditary legislative admirer--little did
she think, poor creature, that she was not the young lady that his
lordship expected! And now we are on the subject of little thinking,
we may as well add that Colonel Crop thought as little as either Miss
Glossop or the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill.
The journey was performed in safety, and the precious couple of
fugitives arrived in London two hours before Mr Glossop. According to
direction, the gallant colonel conducted his charge immediately to the
cottage which Lord Spoonbill had purchased of his fantastic friend
Erpingham. The time of their arrival at this beautiful and secluded
retreat, was about noonday. The day was brilliantly fine and the scene
was beautiful. But the young lady was rather surprized to find herself
in so very small a villa; and she expressed her surprize to her gallant
conductor, who informed her that the nobility frequently occupied
such cottage-like retreats in the vicinity of London, and that it was
absolutely necessary that the marriage should be perfectly private; and
that therefore his lordship had chosen this secluded retirement. And
much more to the same purpose did the gallant colonel say to the young
lady in explanation of the comparatively humble abode to which he had
brought her.
Now Miss Glossop was a great blockhead for making any such remarks,
seeing that she had been informed that Lord Spoonbill was so
peculiarly situated that he could not at present publicly avow his
marriage, and therefore if he did marry it must be private, and that
a splendid mansion was not consistent with privacy. But the fact is
that, enamoured as Miss Glossop might have been with Lord Spoonbill’s
own sweet self, there was some little addition to the tender passion
by means of the splendor and magnificence with which lordships are
generally surrounded.
Lord Spoonbill was presently informed of the interesting fact of the
young lady’s arrival, and his lordship lost no time in hastening to
greet his beloved one. All the way that he rode he was meditating
sweet speeches and fascinating looks, and he was wondering to himself
how the lovely one would look, and whether she would meekly and
gracefully, as was her usual mode of meeting those whom she respected,
bend with a humble curtesy and wait the encouraging voice of her right
honorable lover, before she should raise her fine dark eyes and greet
her enamoured admirer, or whether tenderness would gain the advantage
over reverence, and she should throw herself gently into her lover’s
arms.
Ah! little did he think, we might say again. But the anticipation which
he enjoyed through means of his ignorance, was a pleasure far beyond
any which a knowledge of the truth could have afforded him.
And should any kindred spirit here sympathize with his lordship, and
feel a trembling anxiety on account of the miserable disappointment
which he is now doomed to suffer, let such an one think how blest he
was in ignorance. And should such kindred spirit burn with indignation
against the prince of blunderers, that paragon of boobies, that
climax of nincompoops, the gallant and convenient Colonel Crop, let
such indignation coolly subside at the thought, that but for the said
colonel’s stupidity the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill would not have
enjoyed these delightful day-dreams, this rapturous revelling of
hope. For, had the colonel addressed his message to Penelope Primrose
instead of to Arabella Glossop, he would have found that his prospect
of success was so infinitely little, that he must have retired without
hope and have resigned his commission.
As Lord Spoonbill approached the house, his agitation increased and his
thoughts were in greater confusion. He was blessing Colonel Crop as one
of the most valuable officers in the army, and he was fully resolving
that the gallant colonel should ere long rise to higher dignity.
With these delightful anticipations his lordship drew nigh to that
secret retreat where he expected to find his heart’s dearest treasure.
And while his lordship was enjoying his thoughts in the rapturous
revelling of hope, Miss Glossop was putting on and practising her
finest airs and graces, and was in most delectable doubt as to the
precise mode in which she should meet the enamoured one. She rehearsed
her part in various modes and was pleased with all, but could not tell
which she was most pleased with.
At length they met, but not exactly as either of them anticipated.
Miss Glossop was reclining on a sofa, but as soon as the door of the
apartment was opened, she hastily rose to meet his lordship. Lord
Spoonbill did not at the first glance immediately recognize the young
lady, for of course he had not the slightest doubt whatever that it
was Penelope. But at the very moment when he was holding out his hand
to the fair one, and just opening his lips to say something soft and
sweet, his eye caught the recollected features of the fantastical miss
who had afforded him so much amusement by her airs and graces when
looking over Smatterton castle.
Forthwith there rushed into the mind of the hereditary legislator
a thousand conflicting thoughts. It is astonishing that he could
find room for so many. Suddenly his hand dropped to his side, and
his mouth, that was half-opened ready to speak, was fixed in that
unpicturesque position, and the poor man was fastened to the spot in
mute astonishment. On the other hand, the fair Arabella, who had been
anticipating raptures and ladyships, and routs and feathers, and all
manner of foolery, was as petrified as his lordship when she saw how
petrified his lordship was, and she wondered what his lordship meant.
But his lordship could not have told her had he been so disposed.
And then there rushed into Miss Glossop’s mind as many contending
thoughts as had rushed into the mind of Lord Spoonbill. This was a very
unpleasant position for both parties. It was manifest to both that
there was “something wrong,” as it is said when a steam-engine blows
up or a tunnel lets in the water.
Of the state of the nation, and especially of the national debt, it
is sometimes observed that matters cannot go on so long. The same
remark is applicable to the awkward situation of Lord Spoonbill and
Miss Glossop; but the difficulty was, who should speak first. Never
was Lord Eldon, our late worthy chancellor, so completely in suspense
as was Lord Spoonbill on this melancholy and posing occasion. If he
had been completely and altogether disappointed, and if Colonel Crop
had deceived him with the pretence of having brought up Penelope
when he had not done so, that would have been bad enough as a mere
negative misfortune; but instead of the lovely and graceful and gentle
Penelope, to see the inelegant, vulgar and affected Miss Glossop,
who had been once, and that the only time he had ever seen her, more
of a laughing-stock than an object of admiration--oh, it was most
abominable!
Now the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill was, in his way, a very polite
man, and he could not think of deliberately and coolly saying to
Miss Glossop, “Pray, how came you here?” And on the other hand, Miss
Glossop, though perfectly well disposed to throw herself into his
lordship’s arms, could not possibly think of so doing without the
slightest indication on the part of his lordship that such a step would
be agreeable to him.
After a few seconds of most indescribable embarrassment, his lordship
said in a voice and tone as indescribable as the embarrassment, “The
lady, I believe, whom I had the honor of seeing at Smatterton castle a
few months ago?”
Arabella trembled and blushed, and replied very softly and with
downcast eyes, “The same, my lord.”
Having said this, though in speaking she nearly fainted, she felt
herself somewhat relieved, and began to think that now the ice was
broken. But what was her astonishment when his lordship merely
replied, “Will you be so good as to be seated?”
In obedience to his lordship’s commands the lady took a seat, and his
lordship did not, as she expected he would, take a seat at her side,
but he abruptly left the room. What can be the meaning of this, thought
Miss Glossop; is his lordship so overcome that he cannot speak to me?
And then Miss Glossop, being left alone, meditated most perplexedly.
In the mean time Lord Spoonbill went to look after his hopeful
negociator, his prince of fine fellows, that ornament to the army,
Colonel Crop. And when he found the gallant colonel he was not so
mute with astonishment as when he met Miss Glossop; but as soon as he
caught sight of the officer, he spoke with hurried agitation and right
honorable wrath. His language was not the most decorous and respectful,
it was such in fact as could not with propriety make its appearance
in print before so fastidious a public as we are now blessed with.
Suffice it to say, that his lordship did swear most violently, and
did call Colonel Crop by several very unhandsome names. So that the
colonel, if he had been given to be very angry and resentful, would
have been as angry as his lordship. But the colonel was a good-tempered
and quietly-disposed man, and he was seldom angry, especially with a
lord, and especially with a lord who kept such an excellent table as
Lord Spoonbill. And therefore, in reply to all that torrent of wrath
which was too bad to be printed, he merely replied with opened eyes and
mouth, and blank-looking expression of countenance; “Why, what is the
matter, my lord?”
“Matter!” bawled his lordship; “Who is this young woman you have
brought here?”
Then the colonel was indeed astonished, and began to think that his
lordship was not quite in his right senses. And the gallant one fixed
his eyes enquiringly upon his feeder, and as gently as he could speak,
for fear of exciting the paroxysm, he said, “Why--why--is not this the
lady you mentioned to me?”
Lord Spoonbill was for a moment or two speechless from vexation; at
length his words broke forth with more heat than discretion, and he
exclaimed, “Crop, are you a fool?”
This is what is called a delicate question, though, according to our
notion of matters in general, we think it an indelicate question. The
colonel did not give an immediate reply to it, thinking that it neither
needed nor deserved reply. According to the laws of honor, the gallant
colonel should have demanded an apology or satisfaction for the insult,
but he knew full well that apologies are but lies, and that he was
very sure of obtaining satisfaction in a more digestible form than in
that of a pistol ball. So the gallant one did not put himself into a
passion, or bristle up with fierce resentment, but he merely said,
“’Pon honor, I thought it was the lady that you meant.”
Seeing that Colonel Crop was so very patient under the irritating
language which his lordship used, Lord Spoonbill somewhat abated the
violence of his wrath; and having been, by the colonel, brought into a
difficulty, he now looked to the same valuable officer to bring him out
of the difficulty.
“Well, colonel,” said his lordship, “as you have been foolish enough to
bring the lady here, you must be wise enough to take her back again.”
“But how can I manage?” said the colonel; “what must I say to her to
explain the affair?”
“Oh, that is your concern,” replied his lordship; “but you may tell
her, if you please, that Lord Smatterton has heard of my intention of
marrying, and that he resolves to prevent it.”
“But, won’t that be a lie?” replied the colonel.
“Nonsense,” replied his lordship.
We are very much of his lordship’s opinion. It was truly ridiculous for
this unprincipled tool to make a scruple about a falsehood, after the
line of conduct in which he had been engaged.
While Colonel Crop, Lord Spoonbill, and Miss Glossop, were engaged,
as mentioned above, Mr Glossop had called upon Zephaniah Pringle the
critic, in order to learn from him the place of his lordship’s retreat,
and to hear more particulars concerning his lordship’s probable
designs towards Arabella. Zephaniah was at home, in all his glory, in
a dressing gown and slippers, having a table covered with books and
papers, playing the great solo farce of “We,” and thinking that all the
world was thinking about nothing but himself.
Mr Glossop introduced himself to the critic, by means of a letter from
Charles Pringle, the rector of Smatterton. Mr Glossop looked like a
person of some consequence. He had a mighty important air, and was
indeed, in his own town and neighbourhood, a very important personage.
Zephaniah received him graciously, gracefully, and politely. Zephaniah
opened and read his cousin’s letter, shook his head, and looked very
important and serious.
“I am very sorry, sir,” said the critic, “for the unpleasant affair
which brings you up to town, and I should be most happy to give you any
assistance in my power towards recovering your daughter.”
Zephaniah spoke rather slowly and with a drawling affectation, and that
did not exactly suit the agitated feelings of Mr Glossop. Therefore the
father interrupted the critic and begged to be told, in as few words as
possible, what was the nature of the conversation which he had heard
passing between Lord Spoonbill and Mr Erpingham, concerning the design
of the former in bringing a young lady up to town.
Mr Pringle then related all that he had heard as far as he could
recollect it, and as he was generally very fond of talking about what
he had heard lords say, his recollection was tolerably correct from
practice. What wonderful creatures lords are! It is a pity that Pidcock
does not add a few to his collection; for they are not too cunning to
be caught, and now and then it is said that they may be purchased for a
trifle. But to proceed.
When Mr Glossop heard the account of the talk that passed between Lord
Spoonbill and Mr Erpingham, it appeared to the father of Arabella that
his daughter was in most imminent danger, and though he had generally
a good opinion of the young lady’s understanding, he could not help
distrusting it when she was placed in a difficult situation. Asking and
receiving from Zephaniah Pringle a direction to Mr Erpingham’s cottage,
he hastened there with all due expedition, and arrived at the very
moment when the gallant colonel and his right honorable employer were
discussing the difficult question of the disposal of this ill-caught
bird.
Mr Glossop was soon introduced into the presence of Lord Spoonbill and
the colonel. And the attorney, who was skilled in discerning great men
by sight of their majestic physiognomy and commanding air, immediately
addressed himself to Lord Spoonbill.
“I believe I have the honor of addressing Lord Spoonbill?”
“My name is Spoonbill,” replied his lordship; “and may I ask who is the
gentleman addressing me?”
“My name, my lord, is Glossop,” said the father of Arabella, with
violent wrath.
“What of that! Mr Glossop,” replied his lordship, with most insulting
coolness.
“What of that!” echoed Mr Glossop--and the echo was louder than the
words echoed--“What of that! You have my poor misguided child in this
house. Restore her to me this moment, or by all that’s sacred you shall
feel the weight of my arm.”
Lord Spoonbill was not sorry that one difficulty was thus removed.
There was no more perplexity as to the disposal of the young lady; but
Lord Spoonbill did not like to be bullied, and he therefore did not
very cautiously reply to the enraged parent. Alas! the Right Honorable
Lord Spoonbill did not know Mr Glossop, and did not consider how
serious is the wrath of an injured parent. The father of Arabella could
not bear to be trifled with, and in a moment of intense irritation he
raised his vindictive arm, and Lord Spoonbill felt his vengeance. We do
not wish everybody to know it, but we cannot refrain from telling our
particular friends that Lord Spoonbill received a severe horse-whipping.
To heal the wounds which his honor and shoulders had sustained, his
lordship retired awhile to the continent, and, in Paris, had soon the
pleasure of reading in the English newspapers, the marriage of Robert
Darnley of Neverden, to Miss Primrose of Smatterton.
THE END.
LONDON:
PRINTED BY C. H. REYNELL, BROAD STREET, GOLDEN SQUARE.
Transcriber’s Notes
Punctuation errors have been corrected.
Page 96: “narrow straitforward road” changed to “narrow straightforward
road”
Page 118: “To whcih” changed to “To which”
Page 206: “he afterwads” changed to “he afterwards”
Page 242: “found it necessnry” changed to “found it necessary”