It is a curious question which no mortal can answer, “If this world
had not been created what would have been created instead of it?” This
question is ridiculous enough; but very wise men have asked questions
quite as ridiculous, if not more so. And perhaps we ourselves with all
our wisdom, which is only equalled by that of our readers, might be
disposed to ask--If the event hereinafter detailed had not interrupted
the unpleasant and painful silence at Neverden rectory, what would?
When the miserable and perplexing stagnation of family prate had lasted
some few days, and when Mr Robert Darnley and his sisters had begun to
despair that the ice would ever be broken, an unexpected event gave a
new turn to all their thoughts, and set their tongues at liberty like a
general thaw.
The narration of this event will require many words. But as these words
may be lucidly arranged, and as there may be in them a fullness of
interest and a copious course of reflection and wise meditation, the
reader will more than excuse their multitude.
It cannot be forgotten that when Lord Spoonbill paid his last recorded
visit to his epicurean friend Erpingham, the interview between the
two worthies was interrupted, or to all appearance shortened, by the
intrusion of Zephaniah Pringle. Nor can it be forgotten that Zephaniah
the critic was most grievously offended and mortified by the cavalier
manner in which he was treated by Lord Spoonbill. It is a sad thing
that lords will be so rude to critics; but they will, and there is no
help for it; and even if a bill were brought into Parliament to correct
the evil, we have our doubts whether it would pass the House of Lords,
that hospital of incurables.
Zephaniah, we have said, was very angry, and very justly was he so.
Who would not be angry to be treated with disrespect by a lord? For,
in proportion to the honor and praise and glory redounding from being
able to quote and repeat a lord’s condescending sayings, must be the
mortification to recollect that a lord has treated us with contempt.
Now Zephaniah, after the insolence which he had experienced at the
hands, or more properly speaking at the eyes, of Lord Spoonbill, for
his lordship merely stared at him, went home in high dudgeon and took
up his pen and wrote a most violent philippic against the Whigs, and
especially against Whig lords; and he fully intended to print this
paper in his own periodical, which we shall not name, seeing that
we hold it to be a sin to advertise Tory books. And Zephaniah would
certainly have printed his violent and eloquent philippic, had he not
seen that those same animals were much more scandalously vituperated
in another periodical from the north.
Thus it came to pass that poor Zephaniah was doubly distressed. He was
mortified that he had been cut by a lord, and he was more miserably
mortified still to find that his venom and malignity were exceeded
by what he had the impudence to call a rival publication; a rival,
forsooth! One is no more a rival of the other than the d---- is a rival
of one of his own imps.
We cannot help observing by the way, as mere lovers of justice, how
cruel it is to abuse and calumniate the Whigs. We simply ask, what have
they done? If they had done any mischief, they might have been abused
by the good; and if they had done any good, they might have been abused
by the wicked. But what have they done? They have stood in the middle
of the political see-saw; they have lightened the darkness and clouded
the daylight. But we hate politics.
Zephaniah was angry, and Zephaniah was desirous of giving vent to
his indignation; and being disappointed in his public expression he
sought to give voice to his wrath by a private medium. He therefore
sat down and wrote a long letter to his reverend cousin, the young
rector of Smatterton. In this letter he did set forth how that he was
now well assured that Lord Spoonbill had certainly made a dishonorable
arrangement with Miss Primrose, and had entered into a negotiation with
Mr Erpingham for the purchase of a villa in which the young lady was
to reside. Herein also did Zephaniah state that he had not only the
authority of a vague report from Mr Erpingham, but the evidence of his
own eyes and ears, inasmuch as he had seen and heard Lord Spoonbill
himself negotiating upon the subject. Then did Zephaniah proceed to
express his great and utter abomination and detestation of such wicked
practices; and he did also express his great sorrow that so sweet,
lovely, interesting, and amiable a young lady as Miss Primrose should
be a victim to the vile arts of so worthless a man as Lord Spoonbill.
In conclusion, the writer exhorted his reverend cousin to use all the
means in his power to prevent this great abomination.
When the rector of Smatterton received this letter, he was at first
delighted that it gave him some employment or semblance of employment;
for the Reverend Charles Pringle, though prodigiously fond of doing
nothing at all, yet liked to have some plausible excuse for doing
nothing; so that the semblance of employment was agreeable to him.
But when the young gentleman reflected more closely, it occurred
to him that it might not be altogether favorable to his views of
preferment to do or say anything in hostility and opposition to a right
honorable patron. And though Mr Pringle was the rector of the parish,
he possessed but little influence over the minds of his parishioners.
Moreover, the reverend one was also fearful of offending Mr Primrose,
if by any accident it should chance to be discovered that Zephaniah’s
eyes and ears might have been deceived; for Zephaniah’s eyes and ears
were not absolutely infallible, seeing that the said superlatively
sagacious critic had once already circulated a story of this nature,
and had found it expedient to retract his assertions.
Perplexed with his commission, the reverend rector of Smatterton sought
for aid in the wise counsels of Peter Kipperson. There is a great
inconvenience in being wiser than all the rest of the world. This
inconvenience Peter Kipperson experienced, and he used to talk very
much of the trouble that he gave himself in the affairs of others. But
then, poor man, what could he do? His mind was naturally benevolent and
humane, and how could he be so unfeeling as to withhold from the world
the benefit of that wisdom without which everything would be at sixes
and sevens.
When therefore Mr Pringle made his visit of consultation to Mr
Kipperson, the learned and sagacious agriculturist received him with
condescending cordiality; for by this time Peter the clever had begun
to entertain a higher opinion of Mr Pringle than he had upon their
first acquaintance. The truth of the matter is, that Mr Kipperson was
not excessively partial to those gentlemen who had received their
education at either of the English Universities, because he knew that
they knew nothing, and he thought that they thought that they knew
everything. But Mr Pringle really did know nothing, and was very sure
that he did know nothing; and he used to flatter Mr Kipperson as being
so very knowing. So Mr Kipperson used to say of Mr Pringle, that he had
not been at all injured by his University education.
Mr Pringle, after making a suitable preface, and expressing himself
somewhat incredulous concerning the statement of his cousin’s letter,
handed the said letter to Mr Kipperson, that he might read and judge
for himself, and give such advice as he in his wisdom should think most
to the purpose.
Peter took the letter and read it, and looked wondrously wise while he
was reading it; and he screwed up his features into various grotesque
forms, and then handed the letter back to Mr Pringle, saying, “Well, Mr
Pringle, what do you intend to do in this matter?”
It was not much to the purpose to ask this question, for it did not
answer the rector’s purpose, nor meet the rector’s question; therefore,
Mr Pringle said, “I rather wished, sir, to be favored with your
advice how to act in the business. For it puts me into a very awkward
situation.”
That was very true, and Mr Kipperson knew it, and he did not propose
his question, expecting it to be answered explicitly, but that Mr
Pringle, by being thus reminded of his own lack of wisdom, might more
effectually be impressed with the sagacity and penetration of Peter
Kipperson. The question therefore was something like that of the man in
the play, “Do ye give it up?”
So when Mr Pringle threw himself on the mercy of Mr Kipperson’s
wisdom, the knowing agriculturist rubbed his hands with great
satisfaction, and said, “Well, Mr Pringle, this is really an unpleasant
business. I scarcely know how to advise you, for I am peculiarly
situated, you know, as being a tenant of Lord Smatterton; not that I
feel myself at all dependent on Lord Smatterton or Lord anybody; but
still I am acquainted with his lordship, and I should not like to be
seen in anything that might look unfriendly towards his lordship.”
Then Mr Kipperson paused, and then Mr Pringle replied, “Certainly
not. But I think that if Mr Primrose does not know the intention of
his daughter, he ought by some means to be informed of it. And indeed
it would not be desirable that you or I should be very actively
engaged against Lord Spoonbill. The question therefore is, how shall
we let Mr Primrose know, without any risk of being suspected by Lord
Spoonbill? But perhaps my cousin may be deceived, after all: you know
he mentioned some such report when he was here a little while ago, and
he afterwards found that he had been misled.”
At this Mr Kipperson shook his wise head, and replied with a knowing
smile, “No, no, Mr Pringle, I am pretty sure that your cousin is not
deceived. I know it for a fact that Colonel Crop has been at the castle
with Lord Spoonbill, and that very lately; and I believe that the
colonel is there still; and I have heard some remarks made by some of
Lord Smatterton’s people, by which I am convinced that your cousin’s
information is well founded.”
It has been said that Mr Pringle was an admirer of Miss Primrose;
the same also has been said of Mr Kipperson. But when Robert Darnley
renewed his acquaintance with the young lady, faint were the hopes of
these two gentlemen. Mr Pringle however had not totally despaired,
seeing that he was aware of the opposition of Mr Darnley the elder;
and, in hopes that there might yet be some chance for him, he had
paid very frequent visits and very close attention. The contents of
his cousin’s letter did therefore disturb him a little; but when Mr
Kipperson seemed to corroborate the information contained in that
letter, the reverend rector was disturbed much more, and he was quite
shocked to think that a young lady of such apparent purity of mind and
of such high feeling and general correctness of deportment, should
so far compromise her dignity as voluntarily to submit to such an
arrangement as that which was stated in Zephaniah’s letter.
The reverend divine, then, being concerned and grieved for Miss
Primrose, began to cast about in his mind by what means so melancholy
a catastrophe might be prevented. Mr Kipperson did not seem likely to
afford him any valuable assistance in the way of counsel or advice;
but at length the sagacious agriculturist bethought himself of another
corroborating fact that seemed to prove the truth of Mr Zephaniah
Pringle’s letter, and he gave utterance to the thought which had
occurred to him: “Have you not observed of late, Mr Pringle, that Mr
Robert Darnley has discontinued his visits to Smatterton?”
“That I have indeed,” replied the rector of Smatterton; “and I suppose
that the Darnleys are already aware of the arrangement.”
“No doubt of it,” answered Mr Kipperson.
“But is it not very strange,” said Mr Pringle, “that so strictly moral
and religious a man as Mr Darnley the elder, should not do all in his
power to prevent such an affair? It is very astonishing to me, that if
he knows it he should not inform Mr Primrose of it.”
“Well, then,” said Mr Kipperson, who looked as if he had suddenly made
a wonderful discovery, “would it not be best that you should consult
with Mr Darnley yourself, and that you, as a clergyman, should give
your brother clergyman some hint upon the matter?”
“That is a good thought,” said Mr Pringle; “and if Mr Darnley really
does know anything of the affair for a certainty, he is the best
person to communicate the information to Mr Primrose.”
With the result of this consultation, Mr Kipperson and Mr Pringle were
both equally pleased, for a hint was thereby suggested to them how
they might both get rid of the trouble. So Mr Kipperson, without any
great mental exertion, or any risk of compromising his reputation for
sagacity, appeared, as he always wished to appear, as an adviser and
sagacious counsellor.