It was mentioned in the preceding chapter, that Sir George Aimwell
and Colonel Crop most inopportunely met and detained Mr Darnley. This
worthy couple, after leaving the rector of Neverden to pursue his walk,
lounged lazily towards Neverden Hall, and entered into wise and knowing
consultation concerning the commission with which the colonel fancied
himself entrusted, as relating to Miss Glossop.
The worthy baronet thought and said, that if Lord Spoonbill had any
serious intention of marrying Miss Glossop, it would be far more
suitable that his lordship should make his personal appearance, and
offer his hand regularly and orderly.
“Certainly,” said the colonel, “certainly; but you know that his
lordship is peculiarly situated.”
Whether the colonel had any meaning, when he said that Lord Spoonbill
was peculiarly situated, we cannot say, but there is in general a very
great and comprehensive meaning in that phrase. If, for instance, a man
is looking for a piece of preferment, or is in any way dependent on the
powers that be, or the powers that may be, and if he is requested to
give a vote on any occasion according to his own views or opinions, he
is very ready to say that he wishes well to that person or object for
whom the vote is solicited, but that it is not in his power to vote
as he wishes, because he is peculiarly situated. In short, wherever
a man’s interest interferes with his duty or conscience, and the
principle of selfish interest is stronger than duty or conscience,
then it is that he is peculiarly situated.
Now the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill was a man of title and high
rank, and his associates were of a select and superfine description;
if therefore he fixed his affections on a lady in a humbler sphere, or
less distinguished society, he could not make advances regularly and
honorably, because he was peculiarly situated.
To the remark of Colonel Crop, that Lord Spoonbill was peculiarly
situated, the worthy magistrate of Neverden Hall considerately replied:
“Clearly so, I am perfectly aware of it: but still you must acknowledge
that it would have been more correct if his lordship had communicated
his intentions to Arabella without the intervention of a third person.
However, I will not say or do anything that shall be the means of
preventing the poor girl from having a good establishment in life. I
know that these high people have very peculiar notions.”
Then the gallant colonel launched forth right liberally in praise of
Lord Spoonbill, and well he might, seeing that not only was he indebted
to his lordship for access to a most excellent table, but he was also
under obligation to him for the distinction and consideration derived
from such noble patronage and countenance.
“I suppose,” continued the baronet, “that it must be a private
marriage?”
“No doubt,” replied the colonel; “for his lordship is entirely
dependent on the Earl his father, and it would be a serious affair to
act in direct and open opposition to his will.”
“Exactly so,” answered the magistrate; “but when the marriage has
taken place, and the Earl sees that opposition must be fruitless, and
especially when he is introduced to the young lady, then he will think
more calmly on the subject. Well, it will be a fine match for Arabella.
Her father little thought when he sent her to Neverden what good luck
was in store for her. I think I will not write to her father about the
affair, but let him be taken by surprise.”
At this step in the consultation the interruption of the dinner-bell
put a stop to the discussion, and the two gentlemen soon found
themselves pleasantly engaged in paying an unequivocal and practical
homage to the culinary talents of the baronet’s cook. Colonel Crop
was unusually attentive to Miss Glossop, and the young lady in return
was most politely attentive to Colonel Crop. But Lady Aimwell was not
so very polite to Colonel Crop as was her general custom; for her
ladyship had been mightily displeased with the announcement which
she had recently received from her right worshipful lord and master.
In proportion, however, to Lady Aimwell’s lack of courtesy, was
the redundance and superabundance of Miss Glossop’s politeness and
vivacity; so that ere the cloth was removed, her ladyship was in a
complete fit of the sullens, and took it into her head to have the
head-ache, and expressed her intention of retiring immediately.
Miss Glossop, as in duty bound, attended her discourteous relative,
and was in full expectation of hearing a long dismal lecture all about
propriety and all that sort of thing. There are two sorts of people
that do not like to be lectured--those that do not understand the
subject on which they are lectured, and those that do understand it.
For such as know all that can be said, do not mightily desire to hear
it all over again; and such as know nothing about it, care nothing
about it; and if there be a few in an intermediate class who know a
little about the matter, they do not in general desire to have their
little knowledge increased by lecturing. When Mr Martin’s Act about
cruelty to animals was passed, not a word was said about lecturing.
This was a great omission.
But fortunately for Arabella Glossop, it so happened that Lady Aimwell
was too far gone in ill humour even to administer a lecturing to her
high-minded relative. Her ladyship merely, in a pettish tone, said, “I
beg, madam, that I may not detain you from more agreeable company.”
Miss Glossop, who knew that time would be lost if she should enter upon
any discussion, readily took her aunt at her word, and politely wishing
her good night, returned to the company more agreeable to herself.
It is not known by what arguments, or with what eloquence, the gallant
colonel convinced and assured Miss Glossop of the supposed fact of Lord
Spoonbill’s tender affection and high regard for her; nor is there
any record of the readiness or reluctance with which the young lady
believed it all; it is only known that in the absence of Lady Aimwell,
which gave the colonel an opportunity of executing his commission,
Miss Glossop was put in possession of the important information, and
that she was delighted at the thought of marrying the son of an Earl,
especially such a charming man as Lord Spoonbill.
It should however be mentioned, that Miss Glossop never heard, or
even suspected, that Colonel Crop was commissioned with any more
humiliating proposals. And though there might be something suspicious,
and not altogether accurate, in this proxy courtship, yet the young
lady pardoned it all under the consideration that Lord Spoonbill was
peculiarly situated.
Very pleasing were the anticipations of Miss Glossop in looking forward
to the possession of a mansion so splendid as Smatterton Castle.
Very readily did Miss Glossop dismiss from her mind all thoughts of
tenderness for the poor lieutenant, and very readily did she renounce
all design on the heart of Robert Darnley, leaving that in the
undisturbed possession of Miss Primrose.
Colonel Crop had no sooner fulfilled his commission, than he
immediately betook himself to the gratifying employment of
communicating his success to Lord Spoonbill, in the full expectation
of receiving his lordship’s most hearty thanks for the pains that
he had taken, and the dexterity with which he had conducted the
negociation.
It was too great a task for the gallant colonel to write a whole letter
on the very evening of his return from Neverden Hall to Smatterton
Castle; he therefore began the letter in the evening, resolving to
finish it on the morning of the following day.
Just as the gallant officer had concluded the writing of his
despatches, and was preparing to fold and seal his important
communication, the successor of the crafty Nick Muggins brought letters
to Smatterton Castle. One of these letters concerned Colonel Crop and
the business of which he had just been writing. The colonel, seeing
the hand-writing of his respected patron and employer, had sense and
sagacity enough to open and read that letter before he sealed and sent
off his own.
It is astonishing to observe what wonderful sagacity some people
possess, who are by no means regarded by the rest of the world as
conjurors. Colonel Crop, to an ordinary observer, would have appeared
a very stupid kind of man, and by no means addicted to the exercise
of the reasoning powers. But notwithstanding this his habitual and
constitutional obtuseness, he had the wisdom to reason so far as to
conclude that he might as well read Lord Spoonbill’s letter to him
before he sent off his letter to Lord Spoonbill.
The letter, which Colonel Crop now opened, was as follows:
“DEAR CROP,
“I find by a letter from my old maiden cousin addressed to the
Countess, that the young lady’s father is not in such flourishing
circumstances as he represents himself, and if Darnley has deserted
her also, I think that I may now have her on my own terms. However,
if Aimwell makes a fuss about the matter, let the negociation go
on as if for marriage. Only of course you will represent that it is
absolutely indispensable that the marriage must be private, and must
be kept a secret for some time. Bring her up to town with you as soon
as possible, giving me a day’s notice of your journey.
“Yours ever,
SPOONBILL.”
Now the conduct which Lord Spoonbill recommended Colonel Crop to pursue
on this occasion, was villanous, mean, and treacherous. But the right
honorable one knew that the gallant officer would not disoblige a good
friend; and the colonel himself, though he might perhaps have had
some slight objection to be used as an instrument of treachery, was
peculiarly situated. For he knew not where else he should find so good
a table and such superb claret, at so slight a cost as at the houses of
Lord Smatterton. Besides, it was not (he reasoned) his fault, if Lord
Spoonbill should deceive the young lady.
It is very likely that Colonel Crop, under other circumstances, would
not have lent himself to negociations of this nature; but as it was,
he could not well help himself. It is also very probable that, if Lord
Spoonbill had not been dependent on his father, he would not have
used such indirect and circuitous negociation, and he might perhaps
have made honorable proposals instead of making those which were
dishonorable. The Society for the Suppression of Vice is perfectly
aware that narrowness of circumstances is the great cause of most of
the sins of which mortals are guilty; and therefore that venerable
society wisely directs its attention and investigations to the poorer
classes. The nobility never sell apples on Sunday, the nobility
never shave for a penny on Sunday morning. And all those countless
abominations, at which that excellent society lifts up its pious eyes,
are the sins arising from narrowness of circumstances and dependence of
situation.
When Colonel Crop had read Lord Spoonbill’s letter, he forthwith
proceeded to make such additions to his own letter as the circumstances
of the case required; and if the colonel had not been an indolent man,
and desirous of affecting a very laconic species of writing, he most
surely would, in the letter which he wrote on this occasion, have led
his right honorable employer to suspect an error of apprehension, and a
mistake in the person.
Lord Spoonbill very readily accounted for what appeared to him as the
ready compliance of Penelope, by referring it to the circumstances
of the desertion of Robert Darnley, and the perplexed condition of
her father’s affairs. His lordship also took it into his head that Mr
Primrose had designedly misrepresented the condition of his property,
and therefore his lordship affected to be mightily angry with him,
and to think that it would be but a proper and suitable retaliation to
deceive the unwary daughter.
This was a curious mode of reasoning, but a very slight shadow of
apology will serve to satisfy a gentleman of such habits and pursuits
as the heir apparent to the earldom of Smatterton. Besides, if a man
is resolved on an act of treachery and meanness at all events, what
signifies the strength or weakness of the apology which he makes to
himself? The most logical apology is no excuse to the world, and the
most illogical is a very good one to himself.