_House of Commons, May 9._--This has been great occasion for Windbag
SEXTON. Excelled himself, and there is no other point of comparison
useful or usable. SAUNDERSON, who always takes friendly views of his
countrymen opposite, pleads that SEXTON'S windbaggism is partly due to
his birth. In Ireland, he assures me, a mile is longer than in other
parts of the Empire; and so, kind-hearted Colonel pleads, some allowance
should be made for SEXTON when he gets on the oratorical tramp. That's
all very well; but, for a man to talk two hours and three-quarters in a
so-called Debate, is even more than the national tendency towards
exaggeration illustrated by the Irish mile will excuse. Why couldn't
SEXTON have windbagged on some day of last week? Suppose, for example,
his self-sacrificing friends had made a House for him at a quarter to
nine on Friday night, and he had then talked for three hours and a
quarter?--or on Wednesday there was opportunity; whilst openings might
have been made on Tuesday or Thursday.
"No, TOBY," said SEXTON, when I suggested this in interests of House and
public time, "you're a well-meaning fellow, but you don't understand
everything. You see in debate of this kind all principal men stand off
till the last day. We might have twinkled on several days of last week,
but we prefer to coruscate on last night. Sure of an audience; Whips
out; crowds in; excitement everywhere. I and HARCOURT, and CHAMBERLAIN,
and BALFOUR, all save ourselves for the last night. Can't all speak,
perhaps, especially if I get on first: but they must take their chance.
With the Universe waiting and listening for me, other things and other
people must stand aside. Very serious thing to disappoint the Universe."
So SEXTON, rising at five o'clock, with the windbag conveniently
disposed under arm, pumped and pumped away for two mortal hours, and an
odd three-quarters that seemed more than mortal. GRANDOLPH waiting to
make a speech; ARTHUR BALFOUR longing to be at 'em. Members knowing what
was in store, "expecting," as SHEEHY said, that "every moment would be
his next." But SEXTON flowed on for ever, with aggravating pauses, with
a smile of sublime, unruffled satisfaction, that made the position ten
times as aggravating as it otherwise would have been. To smile and
smile, and play such a villanous trick as this on a suffering House was
worse than most disordered fancy painted.
"If," said ARTHUR BALFOUR, in one of his agonised asides, "the fellow
did not undisguisedly enjoy such supreme happiness, our lot would be
more bearable."
"Never mind," said OLD MORALITY. "Bad enough, I admit. But do you know
why persons are sometimes killed by having a charcoal fire in their
bedrooms? Because the carbon of burning charcoal unites with the oxygen
of air, and forms carbonic acid gas, which is a narcotic poison. So it
is here. SEXTON has got hold of some good points; he is not inapt as a
speaker; if his inordinate vanity had only permitted him to be satisfied
with occupying time of House for half an hour, or, say, three-quarters,
he would have made damaging speech; as it is, he wearies House to death,
swamps us all and himself in waste of verbiage, and the people he
attacks escape in the general misery. In other words, his carbon of
burning vanity, uniting with the oxygen of opportunity, forms a speech
two hours and three-quarters long; which is a narcotic poison."
Mr. G., with the ardour of youth, and the training of an athlete,
proposed to himself to hear what SEXTON had to say. Accordingly took up
convenient seat below Gangway. Stayed there an hour. Then walked back an
altered man; shattered; aged; almost in a state of coma.
"Well, you ought to have known better," I said, somewhat sharply, having
no sympathies with these vagaries.
"And I was so well and strong when I entered the House," Mr. G. said,
wearily. "Quite elate with my correspondence with TYNDALL. Didn't you
think that a nice turn in the concluding sentence?--'My only desire is
to meet you on the terms on which, long ago, we stood when, under my
roof, you gallantly offered to take me up the Matterhorn, _and
guaranteed my safe return_! Wouldn't trust myself on the Matterhorn with
TYNDALL now;" and Mr. G., warily shaking his head, walked forth in
search of rest and refreshment.
_Business done._--Mr. G.'s Amendment to OLD MORALITY'S Resolution on
Parnell Commission Report negatived by 339 votes against 268.
_Tuesday._--This has been GRANDOLPH'S night. Broke the silence of the
still young Session with memorable speech; been in diligent attendance
on Debate; sat through interminable speeches with patience only excelled
by Mr. G.; sometimes looked as if were about to deliver his soul; but
succeeded in bottling it up. To-night soul drove out the cork; burst
the bottle, so to speak.
GRANDOLPH a man of many phases. Tonight presented himself in his highest
character; a statesman; a champion of constitutional principles at
whatever expense to prospects and sensibilities of his most revered
friends on Treasury Bench and elsewhere. Quite a new style of speech for
GRANDOLPH, testifying to remarkable range of his genius. Nothing
personal: free from acrimony; inspired with profound, unfeigned,
reverence for constitutional principles. Here and there a touch of
pathos as he recalled former times when, as DIZZY said of PEEL on a
famous occasion, "they had been so proud to follow one who had been so
proud to lead them."
[Illustration: The Reverberating Colomb.]
Awful splutter in Ministerial circles. A gleam of delight flashed
through the shadow when it was discovered that JENNINGS had rebelled
against RANDOLPH'S new revolt. "Ha! ha!" said the REVERBERATING COLOMB,
after JENNINGS had made his speech, "the army has dismissed its
general."
This all very well; not here concerned with GRANDOLPH'S relations with
his Party or his faithful friend; merely note that the speech itself
lifts GRANDOLPH once more into the very front rank of political
personages. The Liberal Party cannot ignore nor the Conservatives
dispense with the man who made that speech.
JOKIM not a particular friend of GRANDOLPH'S. "Leg quite on other boot,"
as SHEEHY says. But he did the enemy a service to-night. To complete
GRANDOLPH'S triumph it only required that some Member of the Ministry
whose ineptitude he had demonstrated should rise and, with loud voice,
ungainly gestures, drag the Debate down from the heights to which it had
been lifted, debasing it by personal attacks hoarsely shrieked across
the table at former friends and colleagues. JOKIM did this amidst
uproarious cheers from JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg, who began to think that,
after all, there is something in the Right Hon. Gentleman.
_Business done._--OLD MORALITY'S Motion carried.
_Wednesday._--Attempt by some noisy outsiders who know nothing of House
to make things unpleasant for AKERS-DOUGLAS, because House Counted Out
last Friday. Said he has been wigged; assume he will retire. All arrant
nonsense. Everybody in House, Conservative, Liberal, Dissentient, Irish,
whatever we be, all know AKERS-DOUGLAS as one of best Whips of present
generation. Assiduous, persuasive, courteous, yet firm; always at his
post, never fussy, never cross, apparently never tired, he is a model of
a Whip. His Party could better spare an occasional Secretary of State.
[Illustration: Our Whip (at present without a Handle to his Name).]
For purely business arrangements Ministers have a unique combination of
three men. OLD MORALITY, as Leader of House; AKERS-DOUGLAS, as Whip; and
JACKSON, as Financial Secretary, are strong enough to balance effects of
any reasonable amount of blundering in high politics. They take care of
the pence of efficiency and popularity, and leave the MARKISS an
occasional pound to spend.
_Business Done._--New Irish Land Bill brought in, and cast out.
_Thursday._--TEYNHAM on in the Lords, but what he's on about the Lords
only know, and not all of them. Something to do with Camperdown;
GRANVILLE not entirely out of it; and the MARKISS at least compromised.
TEYNHAM, standing at Cross Benches, holding on to the rail of Bench
before him, as if he were in pulpit, swings about his body, turns to
right and left, sometimes presenting his back to LORD CHANCELLOR, whilst
he contemplates emptiness of Strangers' Galleries. In plaintive voice,
full of tears, he babbles o' Camperdown, green fields, _nemine
contradicente_, and Standing Order No. XXI.
Pretty to watch HOBHOUSE whilst TEYNHAM on his legs. Sits intently
listening; first crossed one knee, then the other; puts his two
forefingers together as if connecting the matter of TEYNHAM'S speech;
gradually, as muddle grows thicker, two locks of hair on top of his head
slowly rise and remained standing, as it were, till TEYNHAM reseated
himself. Most remarkable testimony to mental struggle. Even HOBHOUSE,
having thus given his mind to it, couldn't make out what TEYNHAM was at.
As for DENMAN he, after first ten minutes of speech, flouted out of
House.
[Illustration: A Mental Struggle.]
"TOBY," said he, passing me in the Lobby; "if this is what the House of
Lords is coming to, I shall vote with ROSEBERY for its immediate reform.
Don't like to say anything disrespectful of a Peer; but I must observe
that TEYNHAM is a little lacking in coherency. His observations fail in
point; in short, if he were not a Peer I should say his mind was
wandering. Whatever we do, TOBY, let us be intelligent _and_
intelligible. I trust I am not prejudiced, but I really can't stand
TEYNHAM."
_Business done._--In Commons, Government defeated, in resisting HAMLEY'S
proposal to stump up for Volunteers.
_Friday Night._--TREVELYAN brought forward Motion proposing that
Parliament shall rise at beginning of July, making up necessary time in
winter months. Supported proposition in speech graceful and strong, a
model of rare combination of literary art, with Parliamentary aptitude.
After brisk debate, resolution negatived by 173 votes against 169. "A
majority of four won't long stand in our way," said CHARLES FORSTER, who
having, some Sessions ago, fortuitously found his hat, never now deserts
it.
[Illustration: Sir William Burning.
(_See the Chancellor of the Exchequer's Speech, March 11th._)]
_Business done._--Government vainly tried to get into Committee of
Supply.
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THE DIFFERENCE.--Sir GEORGE TREVELYAN wants the House of Commons to
"rise at the beginning of July." _Mr. Punch_ wishes it to rise at all
times--above rowdyism.
* * * * *
[Illustration:]NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
exception.
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