Wound with a touch that’s scarcely felt or seen:
_Thine is an oyster-knife that hacks and hews_,” &c.
_Verses addressed to the imitator of the First Satire of the Second Book
of Horace_ (the joint-composition of Lord Hervey and Lady M. W. Montagu).
[129] _Remains_, ii. 163.
[130]
“_Of Vertu_ also _the_ souerayne _enterlude_.”
_Garlande of Laurell_, vol. i. 408.
[131]
“_His commedy, Achademios_ callyd by name.”
_Id._ p. 409.
[132] See Appendix II. to this Memoir.—Mr. Collier is mistaken in
supposing Skelton’s “paiauntis that were played in Ioyows Garde” to have
been dramatic compositions: see Notes, vol. ii. 330.
[133] A writer, of whose stupendous ignorance a specimen has been already
cited (p. xxx, note 3), informs us that _Magnyfycence_ “is one of the
dullest plays in our language.” _Eminent Lit. and Scient. Men of Great
Britain_, &c. (Lardner’s _Cyclop._), i. 281.
[134] See Appendix III. to this Memoir, and _Poems attributed to
Skelton_, vol. ii. 385.
[135] _Amen. of Lit._ ii. 69.
[136] _Hist. of E. P._ ii. 356.
[137]
“In hevyn blyse ye xalle wyn to be
Amonge the blyssyd company _omnium supernorum_
Ther as is alle merth joye and glee
_Inter agmina angelorum_
In blyse to abyde.”
_Coventry Mysteries,—MS. Cott. Vesp. D._ viii. fol. 112.
A reprint of Marshe’s ed. of Skelton’s _Workes_ having appeared in
1736, Pope took occasion, during the next year, to mention them in the
following terms,—casting a blight on our poet’s reputation, from which it
has hardly yet recovered;
“Chaucer’s worst ribaldry is learn’d by rote,
And _beastly Skelton_ Heads of Houses quote”—
Note—“Skelton, Poet Laureat to Hen. 8. a Volume of whose Verses has been
lately reprinted, consisting almost wholly of Ribaldry, Obscenity, and
Billingsgate Language.” _The First Epistle of the Second Book of Horace
imitated_, 1737. But Pope was unjust to Skelton; for, though expressions
of decided grossness occur in his writings, _they are comparatively few_;
and during his own time, so far were such expressions from being regarded
as offensive to decency, that in all probability his royal pupil would
not have scrupled to employ them in the presence of Anne Bulleyn and her
maids of honour.
Since the Memoir of Skelton was sent to press, Mr. W. H. Black (with his
usual kindness) has pointed out to me the following entry;
23d Feb. 12 Edw. iv. [1473]. “Tribus _subclericis_, videlicet
Roberto Lane, Nicholao Neubold, et _Johanni Skelton_, videlicet
prædicto Roberto l._s._ et prædictis Nicholao et Johanni
cuilibet eorum xl._s._” (A like payment was made to _John
Skelton_ on the 9th of Dec. preceding, when he is mentioned
with others under the general denomination of _clerks_.) _Books
of the Treasury of the Receipt of the Exchequer_,—_A_ 4. 38.
fols. 26, 27. (Public Record Office).
There is, Mr. Black thinks, a possibility that Skelton had been employed,
while a youth, as an under-clerk in the Receipt of the Exchequer; and
observes, that it would seem to have been a temporary occupation, as
there is no trace of any person of that name among the admissions to
offices in the Black Book.
APPENDIX I.
MERIE TALES OF SKELTON (see Memoir, p. xxx.); AND NOTICES OF SKELTON FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
MERIE TALES
Newly Imprinted
& made by Master
Skelton
Poet
Laureat.
¶ Imprinted at London
in Fleetstreat beneath the
Conduit at the signe of S.
John Euangelist,
by Thomas
Colwell.
[12ᵐᵒ. n. d.]
Here begynneth certayne merye tales of Skelton, Poet Lauriat.
¶ How Skelten came late home to Oxford from Abington. Tale i.
Skelton was an Englysheman borne as Skogyn was, and hee was educated &
broughte vp in Oxfoorde: and there was he made a poete lauriat. And on a
tyme he had ben at Abbington to make mery, wher that he had eate salte
meates, and hee did com late home to Oxforde, and he did lye in an ine
named yᵉ Tabere whyche is now the Angell, and hee dyd drynke, & went to
bed. About midnight he was so thyrstie or drye that hee was constrained
to call to the tapster for drynke, & the tapster harde him not. Then hee
cryed to hys oste & hys ostes, and to the ostler, for drinke; and no man
wold here hym: alacke, sayd Skelton, I shall peryshe for lacke of drynke!
what reamedye? At the last he dyd crie out and sayd, Fyer, fyer, fyer!
When Skelton hard euery man bustled hymselfe vpward, & some of them were
naked, & some were halfe asleepe and amased, and Skelton dyd crye, Fier,
fier, styll, that euerye man knewe not whether to resorte; Skelton did go
to bed, and the oste and ostis, & the tapster with the ostler, dyd runne
to Skeltons chamber with candles lyghted in theyr handes, saying, Where,
where, where is the fyer? Here, here, here, said Skelton, & poynted hys
fynger to hys moouth, saying, Fetch me some drynke to quenche the fyer
and the heate and the drinesse in my mouthe: & so they dyd. Wherfore it
is good for euerye man to helpe hys owne selfe in tyme of neede wythe
some policie or crafte, so bee it there bee no deceit nor falshed vsed.
¶ How Skelton drest the Kendallman in the sweat time. [Tale ii.]
On a time Skelton rode from Oxforde to London with a Kendalman, and at
Uxbridge they beyted. The Kendallman layd hys cap vpon the borde in the
hall, and he went to serue hys horse. Skelton tooke yᵉ Kendalmans cappe,
and dyd put betwixte the linyng & the vtter syde a dishe of butter: and
when the Kendalman had drest hys horse, hee dyd come in to diner, and dyd
put on hys cappe (that tyme the sweating sycknes was in all Englande);
at the last, when the butter had take heate of the Kendallmans heade, it
dyd begynne to run ouer hys face and aboute hys cheekes. Skelton sayde,
Syr, you sweate soore: beware yᵗ you haue not the sweatynge sycknesse.
The Kendalman sayde, By the mysse, Ise wrang; I bus goe tyll bed. Skelton
sayd, I am skild on phisicke, & specially in the sweatynge sycknesse,
that I wyll warant any man. In gewd faith, saith the Kendallman, do
see, and Ise bay for your skott to London. Then sayde Skelton, Get you
a kerchiefe, and I wyll bryng you abed: the whiche was donne. Skelton
caused the capp to bee sod in hoat lee, & dryed it: in the mornyng
Skelton and the Kendalman dyd ride merely to London.
¶ Howe Skelton tolde the man that Chryst was very busye in the woodes
with them that made fagots. Tale iii.
When Skelton did cum to London, ther were manye men at the table at
diner. Amongest all other there was one sayde to Skelton, Be you of
Oxforde or of Cambridge a scoler? Skelton sayd, I am of Oxford. Syr,
sayde the man, I will put you a question: you do know wel that after
Christ dyd rise from death to life, it was xl. days after ere he dyd
ascend into heauen, and hee was but certaine times wyth hys discyples,
and when that he did appeare to them, hee dyd neuer tary longe amongest
them, but sodainely vanished from them; I wold fayne know (saith the
man to Skelton) where Chryste was all these xl. dayes. Where hee was,
saythe Skelton, God knoweth; he was verye busye in the woods among hys
labourers, that dyd make fagottes to burne heretickes, & such as thou
art the whych doest aske such diffuse questions: but nowe I wyll tell
thee more; when hee was not with hys mother & hys disciples, hee was in
Paradyce, to comforte the holye patriarches and prophets soules, the
which before he had fet out of hell. And at the daye of hys ascencion,
hee tooke them all vp wyth him into heauen.
¶ Howe the Welshman dyd desyre Skelton to ayde hym in hys sute to the
kynge for a patent to sell drynke. The iiii. Tale.
Skelton, when he was in London, went to the kynges courte, where there
did come to hym a Welshman, saying, Syr, it is so, that manye dooth come
vpp of my country to the kyngs court, and some doth get of the kyng by
patent a castell, and some a parke, & some a forest, and some one fee
and some another, and they dooe lyue lyke honest men; and I shoulde lyue
as honestly as the best, if I myght haue a patyne for good dryncke:
wherefore I dooe praye you to write a fewe woords for mee in a lytle
byll to geue the same to the kynges handes, and I wil geue you well for
your laboure. I am contented, sayde Skelton. Syt downe then, sayde the
Welshman, and write. What shall I wryte? sayde Skelton. The Welshman
sayde, Wryte, dryncke. Nowe, sayd the Welshman, wryte, more dryncke. What
now? sayde Skelton. Wryte nowe, a great deale of dryncke. Nowe, sayd the
Welshman, putte to all thys dryncke a littell crome of breade, and a
great deale of drynke to it, and reade once agayne. Skelton dyd reade,
Dryncke, more dryncke, & a great deale of dryncke, and a lytle crome of
breade, and a great deale of dryncke to it. Then the Welsheman sayde, Put
out the litle crome of breade, and sett in, all dryncke, and no breade:
and if I myght haue thys sygned of the kynge, sayde the Welsheman, I care
for no more as longe as I dooe lyue. Well then, sayde Skelton, when you
haue thys signed of the kyng, then wyll I labour for a patent to haue
bread, that you wyth your drynke, and I with the bread, may fare well,
and seeke our liuinge with bagge and staffe.
¶ Of Swanborne the knaue, that was buried vnder Saint Peters wall in
Oxford. [Tale v.]
There was dwelling in Oxford a stark knaue, whose name was Swanborn; and
he was such a notable knaue that, if any scoler had fallen out thone
wyth thother, the one woulde call thother Swanborn, the whyche they dyd
take for a worser woorde then knaue. Hys wife woulde diuers tymes in the
weeke kimbe his head with a iii. footed stoole: then hee woulde runne
out of the doores wepinge, and if anye man had asked hym what he dyd
aile, other whyle he woulde saye hee had the megrym in hys head, or ells,
there was a great smoke wythin the house: & if the doores were shut, hys
wyfe woulde beate him vnder the bed, or into the bench hole, and then he
woulde looke out at the cat hole; then woulde his wife saye, Lookest thou
out, whoreson? Yea, woulde he saye, thou shalt neuer let me of my manly
lookes. Then with her distaff she would poore in at hym. I knewe him
when that he was a boye in Oxforde; hee was a littell olde fellowe, and
woulde lye as fast as a horse woulde trotte. At last hee dyed, and was
buried vnder the wall of S. Peters church. Then Skelton was desyred to
make an epitaphe vppon the churche wall, & dyd wryte wyth a role, saying,
Belsabub his soule saue, _Qui iacet hic hec_ a knaue: _Jam scio[138]
mortuus est, Et iacet hic hec_ a beast: _Sepultus[139] est_ amonge the
weedes: God forgiue him his misdeedes!
¶ Howe Skelton was complayned on to the bishop of Norwich. Tale vi.
Skelton dyd keepe a musket at Dys, vpon the which he was complayned on to
the bishop of Norwych. The byshoppe sent for Skelton. Skelton dyd take
two capons, to geue theym for a presente to the byshop. And as soone as
hee had saluted the byshopp, hee sayde, My lorde, here I haue brought
you a couple of capons. The byshop was blynde, and sayde, Who bee you?
I am Skelton, sayd Skelton. The byshop sayd, A hoare head! I will none
of thy capons: thou keepest vnhappye rule in thy house, for the whyche
thou shalt be punished. What, sayde Skelton, is the winde at that doore?
and sayd, God be with you, my lorde! and Skelton with his capons went
hys way. The byshop sent after Skelton to come agayne. Skelton sayde,
What, shal I come[140] agayne to speake wythe a madde man? At last hee
retourned to the byshop, whyche sayde to hym, I would, sayd the byshop,
that you shoulde not lyue suche a sclaunderouse lyfe, that all your
parisshe shoulde not wonder & complaine on you as they dooe; I pray you
amende, and hereafter lyue honestlye, that I heare no more suche woordes
of you; and if you wyll tarye dynner, you shall be welcome; and I thanke
you, sayde the byshoppe, for your capons. Skelton sayde, My lord, my
capons haue proper names; the one is named Alpha, the other is named
Omega: my lorde, sayd Skelton, this capon is named Alpha, thys is the
fyrst capon that I dyd euer geue to you; and this capon is named Omega,
and this is the last capon that euer I wil giue you: & so fare you well,
sayd Skelton.
¶ Howe Skelton, when hee came from the bishop, made a sermon. Tale vii.
Skelton the nexte Sondaye after wente into the pulpet to prech, and
sayde, _Vos estis, vos estis_, that is to saye, You be, you be. And what
be you? sayd Skelton: I saye, that you bee a sorte of knaues, yea, and
a man might saye worse then knaues; and why, I shall shew you. You haue
complayned of mee to the bysop that I doo keepe a fayre wench in my
house: I dooe tell you, if you had any fayre wiues, it were some what
to helpe me at neede; I am a man as you be: you haue foule wyues, and I
haue a faire wenche, of the whyche I haue begotten a fayre boye, as I doe
thinke, and as you all shall see. Thou wyfe, sayde Skelton, that hast my
childe, be not afraid; bring me hither my childe to me: the whyche was
doone. And he, shewynge his childe naked to all the parishe, sayde, How
saye you, neibours all? is not this child as fayre as is the beste of all
yours? It hathe nose, eyes, handes, and feete, as well as any of your:
it is not lyke a pygge, nor a calfe, nor like no foule nor no monstruous
beast. If I had, sayde Skelton, broughte forthe thys chylde without armes
or legges, or that it wer deformed, being a monstruous thyng, I woulde
neuer haue blamed you to haue complayned to the bishop of me; but to
complain without a cause, I say, as I said before in my antethem, _vos
estis_, you be, and haue be, & wyll and shall be knaues, to complayne
of me wythout a cause resonable. For you be presumptuous, & dooe exalte
yourselues, and therefore you shall be made low: as I shall shewe you
a famyller example of a parish priest, the whiche dyd make a sermon in
Rome. And he dyd take that for hys antethem, the which of late dayes is
named a theme, and sayde, _Qui se exaltat humiliabitur, et qui se[141]
humiliat exaltabitur_, that is to say, he that doth exalte himselfe or
dothe extoll hymselfe shalbe made meke, & he that doth humble hymselfe or
is meke, shalbe exalted, extoulled, or eleuated, or sublimated, or such
lyke: and that I will shewe you by this my cap. This cappe was fyrste
my hoode, when that I was studente in Jucalico, & then it was so proude
that it woulde not bee contented, but it woulde slippe and fall from
my shoulders. I perceyuynge thys that he was proude, what then dyd I?
shortly to conclude, I dyd make of hym a payre of breches to my hose, to
brynge hym lowe. And when that I dyd see, knowe, or perceyue that he was
in that case, and allmoste worne cleane oute, what dyd I then to extoll
hym vppe agayne? you all may see that this my cap was made of it that was
my breches. Therefore, sayde Skelton, _vos estis_, therfore you bee, as
I dyd saye before: if that you exalte yourselfe, and cannot be contented
that I haue my wenche still, some of you shall weare hornes; and therfore
_vos estis_: and so farewell. It is merye in the hall, when beardes wagge
all.
¶ How the fryer asked leaue of Skelton to preach at Dys, which Skelton
wold not grant. Tale viii.
There was a fryer yᵉ whych dydde come to Skelton to haue licence to
preach at Dys. What woulde you preache there? sayde Skelton: dooe not
you thynke that I am sufficiente to preache there in myne owne cure?
Syr, sayde the freere, I am the limyter of Norwych, and once a yeare one
of our place dothe vse to preache wyth you, to take the deuocion of the
people; and if I may haue your good wil, so bee it, or els I will come
and preach against your will, by the authoritie of the byshope of Rome,
for I haue hys bulles to preache in euerye place, and therfore I wyll be
there on Sondaye nexte cummyng. Come not there, freere, I dooe counsell
thee, sayd Skelton. The Sundaye nexte followynge Skelton layde watch for
the comynge of the frere: and as sone as Skelton had knowledge of the
freere, he went into the pulpet to preache. At last the freere dyd come
into the churche with the bishoppe of Romes bulles in hys hande. Skelton
then sayd to all hys parishe, See, see, see, and poynted to thee fryere.
All the parish gased on the frere. Then sayde Skelton, Maisters, here is
as wonderfull a thynge as euer was seene: you all dooe knowe that it is a
thynge daylye seene, a bulle dothe begette a calfe; but here, contrarye
to all nature, a calfe hathe gotten a bulle; for thys fryere, beeynge a
calfe, hath gotten a bulle of the byshoppe of Rome. The fryere, beynge
ashamed, woulde neuer after that time presume to preach at Dys.
¶ How Skelton handled the fryer that woulde needes lye with him in his
inne. Tale ix.
As Skelton ryd into yᵉ countre, there was a frere that hapened in at an
alehouse wheras Skelton was lodged, and there the frere dyd desire to
haue lodgyng. The alewife sayd, Syr, I haue but one bed whereas master
Skelton doth lye. Syr, sayd the frere, I pray you that I maye lye with
you. Skelton said, Master freere, I doo vse to haue no man to lye with
me. Sir, sayd the frere, I haue lyne with as good men as you, and for my
money I doo looke to haue lodgynge as well as you. Well, sayde Skelton,
I dooe see than that you wyll lye with me. Yea, syr, sayd the frere.
Skelton did fill all the cuppes in the house, and whitled the frere, that
at the last, the frere was in myne eames peason. Then sayde Skelton,
Mayster freere, get you to bed, and I wyll come to bed within a while.
The frere went, and dyd lye vpright, and snorted lyke a sowe. Skelton
wente to the chaumber, and dyd see that the freere dyd lye soe; sayd to
the wyfe, Geue me a washyng betle. Skelton then caste downe the clothes,
and the freere dyd lye starke naked: then Skelton dyd shite vpon the
freeres nauil and bellye; and then he did take the washyng betle, and
dyd strike an harde stroke vppon the nauill & bellye of the freere, and
dyd put out the candell, and went out of the chaumber. The freere felt
hys bellye, & smelt a foule sauour, had thought hee had ben gored, and
cried out and sayde, Helpe, helpe, helpe, I am kylled! They of the house
with Skelton wente into the chaumber, and asked what the freere dyd ayle.
The freere sayde, I am kylled, one hathe thrust me in the bellye. Fo,
sayde Skelton, thou dronken soule, thou doost lye; thou haste beshytten
thyselfe. Fo, sayde Skelton, let vs goe oute of the chaumber, for the
knaue doothe stynke. The freere was ashamed, and cryed for water. Out
with the whoreson, sayd Skelton, and wrap the sheetes togyther, and putte
the freere in the hogge stye, or in the barne. The freere said, geue me
some water into the barne: and there the freere dyd wasshe himselfe,
and dydde lye there all the nyght longe. The chaumber and the bedde was
dressed, and the sheetes shyfted; and then Skelton went to bed.
¶ Howe the cardynall desyred Skelton to make an epitaphe vpon his graue.
Tale x.
Thomas Wolsey, cardynall and archbyshop of Yorke, had made a regall
tombe to lye in after hee was deade: and he desyred Master Skelton to
make for his tombe an epytaphe, whyche is a memoriall to shewe the lyfe
with the actes of a noble man. Skelton sayde, If it dooe lyke your
grace, I canne not make an epytaphe vnlesse that I do se your tombe. The
cardynall sayde, I dooe praye you to meete wyth mee to morowe at the West
Monesterye, and there shall you se my tombe a makynge. The pointment
kept, and Skelton, seyng the sumptuous coste, more pertaynyng for an
emperoure or a maxymyous kynge, then for suche a man as he was (although
cardynals wyll compare wyth kyngs), Well, sayd Skelton, if it shall like
your grace to creepe into thys tombe whiles you be alyue, I can make an
epitaphe; for I am sure that when that you be dead you shall neuer haue
it. The whyche was verifyed of truthe.
¶ Howe the hostler dyd byte Skeltons mare vnder the tale, for biting him
by the arme. Tale xi.
Skelton vsed muche to ryde on a mare; and on a tyme hee happened into an
inne, wher there was a folish ostler. Skelton said, Ostler, hast thou any
mares bread? No, syr, sayd the ostler: I haue good horse bread, but I
haue no mares bread. Skelton saide, I must haue mares bread. Syr, sayde
the ostler, there is no mares bred to get in all the towne. Well, sayd
Skelton, for this once, serue my mare wyth horse bread. In the meane time
Skelton commaunded the ostler to sadle his mare; & the hosteler dyd
gyrde the mare hard, and the hostler was in hys ierkyn, and hys shirte
sleues wer aboue his elbowes, and in the girding of the mare hard the
mare bitte the hostler by the arme, and bitte him sore. The hostler was
angry, and dyd bite the mare vnder the tayle, saying, A whore, is it good
byting by the bare arme? Skelton sayde then, Why, fellowe, haste thou
hurt my mare? Yea, sayde the hostler, ka me, ka thee: yf she dooe hurte
me, I wyll displease her.
¶ Howe the cobler tolde maister Skelton, it is good sleeping in a whole
skinne. Tale xii.
In the parysshe of Dys, whereas Skelton was person, there dwelled a
cobler, beyng halfe a souter, which was a tall man and a greate slouen,
otherwyse named a slouche. The kynges maiestye hauynge warres byyonde
the sea, Skelton sayd to thys aforsayd doughtie man, Neybour, you be a
tall man, and in the kynges warres you must bere a standard. A standerd!
said the cobler, what a thing is that? Skelton saide, It is a great
banner, such a one as thou dooest vse to beare in Rogacyon weeke; and a
lordes, or a knyghtes, or a gentlemannes armes shall bee vpon it; and
the souldiers that be vnder the aforesayde persons fayghtynge vnder thy
banner. Fayghtynge! sayde the cobbeler; I can no skil in faighting. No,
said Skelton, thou shalte not fayght, but holde vp, and aduaunce the
banner. By my fay, sayd the cobler, I can no skill in the matter. Well,
sayd Skelton, there is no reamedie but thou shalte forthe to dooe the
kynges seruice in hys warres, for in all this countrey theare is not a
more likelier manne to dooe suche a[142] feate as thou arte. Syr, sayde
the cobbeler, I wyll geue you a fatte capon, that I maye bee at home.
No, sayde Skelton, I wyll not haue none of thy capons; for thou shalte
doe the kyng seruice in his wars. Why, sayd the cobler, what shuld I
doo? wyll you haue me to goe in the kynges warres, and to bee killed for
my labour? then I shall be well at ease, for I shall haue my mendes in
my nown handes. What, knaue, sayd Skelton, art thou a cowarde, hauyng
so great bones? No, sayde the cobler, I am not afearde: it is good to
slepe in a whole skinne. Why, said Skelton, thou shalte bee harnessed to
keepe away the strokes from thy skynne. By my fay, sayde the cobler, if
I must needes forthe, I will see howe yehe shall bee ordered. Skelton
dyd harnesse the doughtye squirell, and dyd put an helmet on his head;
and when the helmet was on the coblers heade, the cobler sayde, What
shall those hoales serue for? Skelton sayd, Holes to looke out to see
thy enemyes. Yea, sayde the cobler, then am I in worser case then euer
I was; for then one may come and thrust a nayle into one of the holes,
and prycke out myne eye. Therfore, said the cobler to Master Skelton, I
wyll not goe to warre: my wyfe shall goe in my steade, for she can fyghte
and playe the deuell wyth her distaffe, and with stole, staffe, cuppe,
or candlesticke; for, by my fay, I cham sicke; I chill go home to bed; I
thinke I shall dye.
¶ How Master Skeltons miller deceyued hym manye times by playinge the
theefe, and howe he was pardoned by Master Skelton, after the stealinge
awaye of a preest oute of his bed at midnight. Tale xiii.