Friend TWAIN--Allow an old statesman, which has served his country for 4
yeers as Gustise of the Peece, rite a congratulotery letter to you on
your success as a boy raisest. Altho your name is MARK TWAIN, I notiss
that on this occashon you dident Mark but One.
I am a little older in years and _Parentelism_ than you are, and am able
to call myself the seenyer pardner in a firm who are the sole
proprieters of eleven offspring and 2 grand-children.
Raisin children is a bizziniss which haint every mans best holt, and as
long as you've got into the bizziness, excoose me for givin you a little
wisdom, which you as a parent must swaller without makin up a face.
If your child, in its infantile days, is given to squallin nites, obtain
a beverige, called soothin sirup, and just before you pull off your
butes nites, give the little cuss about 3 tablespoons full, and he will
sleep so sound that you can use him for a piller. Should he kick &
squall, and refuse to take it, lay him down onto the floor, set on him,
then takin hold of his nose, pour the stuff down his throte, and you've
got him, ekal to Jo JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle 20 yeers snooze.
To amoose him--If your wife is too bizzy durin the day, doin the cookin,
washin, &c. 4th, to amoose the child, give him an ink bottle, and set
him down on the parler carpet. If he has any idee of geografy, when you
come home nites you will find a good helthy map of the black sea, which
Rooshy will insist on bein added to your war map.
Another way of amusin him, is to give him a raiser, and let him play
learn to shave. If he should cut his nose off, it would make the little
_shaver smart_.
If you expect to bring your boy up to hold offis,' let him cultivate
cheek. This is done by tyin his grandmother in her rockin cheer, and
lettin him pelt the old lady with snow balls in the winter time. In the
summer time get him a bow and arrer, and let him see how neer he come to
the venerable lady's nose without breakin her spectorcals. If this don't
make him cheeky enuff to hold offis, let him pour a lot of benzine onto
his little cuzzin, then push her onto a red hot cole stove. If he can do
this and think it a joak, he will do for a cabinet offiser.
If he tries to jump over parental authority, fill him with shot, same as
_your_ man did his jumpin frog, only pour it into him with a mustick.
If you've got any regard for our nashnal caracter, don't let your son
rite comic copy for the noosepapers, after which, be so rash as to rite
a book, and have English crickets set up their darn singin, when they
catch your little _innocent abroad_.
JOHN BULL don't tickle easy, remember that. I actually believe you
couldent stir him with a hul bag full of laffin gas.
As your boy has entered the Lecture field, I shouldent be surprised if
he got up quite a _breeze_ on the roast-rum. In fact, when he opens his
mouth before an audience, look out for _squalls_.
When your offspring is big enuff to enjoy chastisin, remember the "good
little boy," and examine your son's garments to see if the lad has been
roostin onto any nitro-gleserine cans, lest the parental hand, when
brought in contact with the youth's _habeas corpus_, mite necessitate the
sweepin up of father and son's scattered remnants.
Let your son reed the works on good morril men's lives.
By the time he gets old enuff to read, I will have my life out in
pamphlet form, and you can draw onto me for a copy. Beware of works of
fiction. Don't let your boy have a great deal to do with such readin as
HOYLE on Games, TOM PAINE on Infidelity, nor HORRIS GREELY on farmin.
Such works are bringin more ruin onto the country, than the numerous
jewrys of twelve talented men, who allow murderers to come the loonatic
dodge over 'em.
I don't believe in spoilin the rod and sparin the child, but I think it
is well enuff to keep a rod hung up in the barn, where your child can
occasionally look at it, to see what he will come to, if he undertakes
to kick over the traces.
Children are a good deal like wimmen. If you don't set _your_ foot down
when you first get married your wimmen will raise _their_ foot up, and
afore you realize any pain, your gentle form will be histed out into the
street.
With boys you must begin talkin _turkey_, when they are young _goblins_,
ef you don't, when they get old enuff, they will "strike for their
sires," and _gobble_ up the old man's scalp.
Teach your son to honor his pa and ma, and decline the English mission,
when it comes his turn.
Between you and I, aspirants for the honor of bordin with St. JIMMY are
on the _decline_, Pitty it haint a gin-cocktail. I shouldent be
surprised, if some big criminal was sentenced to go there yet, which
minds me of a konundrum. Why is the English mission like lager beer?
Give 'er up?
Because it ruins any _minister's_ reputation, who goes for it.
Hopin that when you shovel off your mortil coil, that your mantle may
not pass out of the family, and as time flies on with greased wings, you
may make the family name _sound_ by bein able to Mark Twain in your
family record, I drop the goose feather.
Ewers, parentally,