_Q._ You are happy, then, in your matrimonial relations? _A._ Yes--(and
remembering the oath) reasonably so.
_Q._ Is your wife pretty? _A._ (Witness remembering at once his oath and
his wife's presence in court) She is pretty pretty.
_Q._ What are her defects? _A._ (Witness remembering only his wife's
presence.) I have never been able to discover them.
_Q._ Do you wear flannel? _A._ Yes, in winter.
_Q._ Can you testify, upon your oath, that you do not wear flannel in
summer? _A._ I can.
_Q._ Now be careful in your answer. What do you wear in the spring and
fall? _A._ I--I wear my common clothes.
_Q._ With flannel, or without flannel? _A._ Sometimes with, and
sometimes without.
_Q._ No evasion; you must tell the Court exactly when you wear flannel,
and when you do not.
A series of questions on this subject brought out the fact that I wore
flannel when the weather was cold, or cool; and did not wear it when it
was mild, or warm.
_Q._ Have you a lightning-rod on your house? _A._ I have.
_Q._ How much did it cost you to have it put up? _A._ It has not cost me
anything yet--I owe for it.
_Q._ Is that all you owe for? _A._ No, I have other debts.
_Q._ Have you any money with you now? _A._ I have.
_Q._ How much? _A._ (Counting contents of porte-monnaie.) Sixty-two
cents.
_Q._ Where did you get that? _A._ (With embarrassment.) I borrowed it.
_Q._ Were you present when defendant first offered his land for sale to
the plaintiff? _A._ (Brightening up.) I was.
_Q._ Do you burn gas or kerosene in your house? _A._ Gas.
_Q._ How many burners? _A._ Ten, I think.
_Q._ Are you willing to assert, upon your solemn oath, that there are
only ten? _A._ (Witness counting on his fingers.) I am.
_Q._ Do you wear studs or buttons on your shirt fronts? _A._ Studs.
_Q._ Gold, or pearl? _A._ Mother-of-pearl, as a general thing, but
sometimes I wear one gold one at the top.
_Q._ Were all your studs of mother-of-pearl, at the time when you first
heard this transaction mentioned between the parties? _A._ They were.
_Q._ Do you ever wear your gold stud in the middle of your bosom? _A._
No, sir, I always wear it at the top.
_Q._ Do you ever wear it at the bottom? Can you swear it was not at the
bottom on the day of the transaction referred to? _A._ I distinctly
remember that I did not wear it at all that day.
_Q._ Did you wear it that night? _A._ No, sir.
_Q._ Can you swear that after you went to bed you did not wear it? _A._
I can.
_Q._ Have you ever been vaccinated? _A._ I have.
_Q._ On which arm? _A._ The left.
_Q._ At the of the first mention of this land to the plaintiff, who were
present? _A._ (Witness speaking with hopeful vivacity, as if he hoped
they were now coming to the merits of the case.) The plaintiff, the
defendant, and myself.
_Q._ Do you use the Old Dominion coffee-pot in your house? _A._
(Dejectedly.) No, sir.
_Q._ What kind of a coffee pot do you use? _A._ A common tin one.
_Q._ You are willing to swear it is tin? _A._ I am.
_Q._ Has your wife any sisters? _A._ She has two; ANNA and JANE.
_Q._ Are they married _A._ They are.
_Q._ Are either of them prettier than your wife? _A._ (Quickly.) No,
sir.
_Q._ Have you any children? _A._ Two.
_Q._ Have they had the measles? _A._ They have.
_Q._ Has any other person in your household had the measles? _A._ I have
had them, and my wife has had them.
_Q._ How do you know your wife has had them? _A._ She told me so.
_Q._ Then you did not see her have them? _A._ No, sir.
_Q._ We want no hearsay evidence here; how can you swear that she has
had them when you did not see her have them? _A._ She told me so, and I
believed her.
_Q._ Did she take an oath that she had had them? _A._ No sir.
_Q._ Then, sir, you are trifling with the Court. Do you understand the
obligations of an oath? _A._ I do.
_Q._ Beware, then, that you are not committed for perjury. Is your
gas-metre ever frozen? _A._ Yes, sir.
_Q._ What do you use when the gas will not burn? _A._ Candles.
_Q._ How many to the pound? _A._ Nine.
_Q._ How do you know there are nine to the pound? _A._ They are sold as
nines.
_Q._ Then you never weighed them yourself? _A._ No, sir.
_Counsel_, to the _Court_. May it please your Honor, this is the second
time that this witness has positively testified, under solemn oath, to
important points of which he has no certain knowledge. I ask the Court
for protection for myself and my client.
Here a long discussion took place between the lawyers and the Judge, and
at the end of it the case was postponed for four months. I suppose it is
expected that I will then re-ascend the witness-stand; but I have
determined that when I enter a court-room again I shall appear as a
criminal. These fellows have much the easiest times, and they run so
little risk, nowadays, that their position is far preferable to that of
the unfortunate witnesses.