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_LADY FREDERICK_
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_LADY FREDERICK_
_A COMEDY_
_In Three Acts_
_BY W. S. MAUGHAM_
_LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN_
_MCMXII_
_Copyright: London William Heinemann 1912_
This play was produced at the Court Theatre on Saturday, October 26,
1907, with the following cast:
LADY FREDERICK BEROLLES ETHEL IRVING
SIR GERALD O'MARA EDMUND BREON
MR. PARADINE FOULDES C. M. LOWNE
MARCHIONESS OF MERESTON BERYL FABER
MARQUESS OF MERESTON W. GRAHAM BROWN
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE ARTHUR HOLMES-GORE
ADMIRAL CARLISLE E. W. GARDEN
ROSE BEATRICE TERRY
LADY FREDERICK'S DRESSMAKER FLORENCE WOOD
LADY FREDERICK'S FOOTMAN CLAUDE VERNON
LADY FREDERICK'S MAID INA PELLY
THOMPSON REGINALD EYRE
A WAITER HEATH J. HAVILAND
_LADY FREDERICK_
_CHARACTERS_
LADY FREDERICK BEROLLES
SIR GERALD O'MARA
MR. PARADINE FOULDES
MARCHIONESS OF MERESTON
MARQUESS OF MERESTON
ADMIRAL CARLISLE
ROSE
LADY FREDERICK'S DRESSMAKER
LADY FREDERICK'S FOOTMAN
LADY FREDERICK'S MAID
THOMPSON
A WAITER AT THE HOTEL SPLENDIDE
TIME: _The Present Day_
ACTS I and II--_Drawing-room at the Hotel Splendide, Monte Carlo._
ACT III--_Lady Frederick's Dressing-Room._
_The Performing Rights of this play are fully protected, and
permission to perform it, whether by Amateurs or Professionals,
must be obtained in advance from the author's Sole Agent, R.
Golding Bright, 20 Green Street, Leicester Square, London, W.C.,
from whom all particulars can be obtained._
LADY FREDERICK
THE FIRST ACT
SCENE: _Drawing-room of the Hotel Splendide at Monte Carlo. A
large, handsomely furnished room, with doors right and left, and
French windows at the back leading to a terrace. Through these is
seen the starry southern night. On one side is a piano, on the
other a table with papers neatly laid out on it. There is a lighted
stove._
LADY MERESTON, _in evening dress, rather magnificently attired, is
reading the papers. She is a handsome woman of forty. She puts down
the paper impatiently and rings the bell. A servant answers. He has
a French accent._
LADY MERESTON.
Did Mr. Paradine Fouldes come this evening?
SERVANT.
Yes, miladi.
LADY MERESTON.
Is he in the hotel now?
SERVANT.
Yes, miladi.
LADY MERESTON.
Will you send some one up to his room to say I'm waiting to see him?
SERVANT.
Pardon, miladi, but the gentleman say 'e was on no account to be
disturbed.
LADY MERESTON.
Nonsense. Mr. Fouldes is my brother. You must go to him immediately.
SERVANT.
Mr. Fouldes his valet is in the 'all. Will your ladyship speak with him?
LADY MERESTON.
Mr. Fouldes is more difficult to see than a cabinet minister. Send his
servant to me.
SERVANT.
Very good, miladi.
[_Exit Servant, and presently_ THOMPSON, Mr. Fouldes' _man, comes in_.
THOMPSON.
Your ladyship wished to see me.
LADY MERESTON.
Good evening, Thompson. I hope you had a comfortable journey.
THOMPSON.
Yes, my lady. Mr. Fouldes always has a comfortable journey.
LADY MERESTON.
Was the sea calm when you crossed?
THOMPSON.
Yes, my lady. Mr. Fouldes would look upon it as a great liberty if the
sea was not calm.
LADY MERESTON.
Will you tell Mr. Fouldes that I should like to see him at once?
THOMPSON.
[_Looking at his watch._] Excuse me, my lady, but Mr. Fouldes said no
one was to disturb him till ten o'clock. It's more than my place is
worth to go to him at five minutes to.
LADY MERESTON.
But what on earth's he doing?
THOMPSON.
I don't know at all, my lady.
LADY MERESTON.
How long have you been with Mr. Fouldes?
THOMPSON.
Twenty-five years, my lady.
LADY MERESTON.
I should have thought you knew how he spent every minute of his day.
[PARADINE _comes in. He is a very well-dressed man of forty-odd.
Self-possessed, worldly, urbane. He is never at a loss or put out of
countenance. He overhears_ LADY MERESTON'S _last words_.
FOULDES.
When I engaged Thompson I told him the first thing he must learn was the
very difficult feat of keeping his eyes open and shut at one and the
same time.
LADY MERESTON.
My dear Paradine, I've been waiting to see you for the last two hours.
How tiresome you are.
FOULDES.
You may give me a kiss, Maud, but don't be rough.
LADY MERESTON.
[_Kissing his cheek._] You ridiculous creature. You really might have
come to see me at once.
FOULDES.
My dear, you cannot grudge me a little repose after a long and tedious
journey. I had to repair the ravages to my person caused by twenty-seven
hours in the train.
LADY MERESTON.
Don't be so absurd. I'm sure your person is never ravished.
FOULDES.
Ravaged, my dear, ravaged. I should look upon it as an affectation at my
age if I were not a little upset by the journey from London to Monte
Carlo.
LADY MERESTON.
I'll be bound you ate a very hearty dinner.
FOULDES.
Thompson, did I eat any dinner at all?
THOMPSON.
[_Stolidly._] Soup, sir.
FOULDES.
I remember looking at it.
THOMPSON.
Fish, sir.
FOULDES.
I trifled with a fried sole.
THOMPSON.
Bouchées à la Reine, sir.
FOULDES.
They have left absolutely no impression upon me.
THOMPSON.
Tournedos à la Splendide.
FOULDES.
They were distinctly tough, Thompson. You must lodge a complaint in the
proper quarter.
THOMPSON.
Roast pheasant, sir.
FOULDES.
Yes, yes, now you mention it, I do remember the pheasant.
THOMPSON.
Chocolate ice, sir.
FOULDES.
It was too cold, Thompson. It was distinctly too cold.
LADY MERESTON.
My dear Paradine, I think you dined uncommonly well.
FOULDES.
I have reached an age when love, ambition and wealth pale into
insignificance beside a really well-grilled steak. That'll do, Thompson.
THOMPSON.
Very well, sir.
[_He goes out._
LADY MERESTON.
It's too bad of you, Paradine, to devour a substantial meal when I'm
eating out my very heart with anxiety.
FOULDES.
It seems to agree with you very well. I've not seen you look better for
years.
LADY MERESTON.
For heaven's sake be serious and listen to me.
FOULDES.
I started immediately I got your telegram. Pray tell me what I can do
for you?
LADY MERESTON.
My dear Paradine, Charlie's head over ears in love.
FOULDES.
It's not altogether an unexpected condition for a young man of
twenty-two. If the lady's respectable, marry him and resign yourself to
being a dowager. If she's not, give her five hundred pounds and pack her
off to Paris or London or wherever else she habitually practises her
arts and graces.
LADY MERESTON.
I wish I could. But who d'you think it is?
FOULDES.
My dear, there's nothing I detest more than riddles. I can imagine quite
a number of fair ladies who would look without disdain upon a young
marquess with fifty thousand a year.
LADY MERESTON.
Lady Frederick Berolles.
FOULDES.
By Jupiter!
LADY MERESTON.
She's fifteen years older than he is.
FOULDES.
Then she's not old enough to be his mother, which is a distinct
advantage.
LADY MERESTON.
She dyes her hair.
FOULDES.
She dyes it uncommonly well.
LADY MERESTON.
She paints.
FOULDES.
Much better than a Royal Academician.
LADY MERESTON.
And poor Charlie's simply infatuated. He rides with her all the morning,
motors with her all the afternoon, and gambles with her half the night.
I never see him.
FOULDES.
But why should you think Lady Frederick cares two straws for him?
LADY MERESTON.
Don't be ridiculous, Paradine. Every one knows she hasn't a penny, and
she's crippled with debts.
FOULDES.
One has to keep up appearances in this world. Life nowadays for the
woman of fashion is a dilemma of which one horn is the Bankruptcy Court
and the other--dear Sir Francis Jeune.
LADY MERESTON.
I wish I knew how she manages to dress so beautifully. It's one of the
injustices of fate that clothes only hang on a woman really well when
she's lost every shred of reputation.
FOULDES.
My dear, you must console yourself with the thought that she'll probably
frizzle for it hereafter.
LADY MERESTON.
I hope I'm not wicked, Paradine, but to wear draperies and wings in the
next world offers me no compensation for looking dowdy in a Paquin gown
in this.
FOULDES.
I surmised she was on the verge of bankruptcy when I heard she'd bought
a new motor. And you seriously think Charlie wants to marry her?
LADY MERESTON.
I'm sure of it.
FOULDES.
And what d'you want me to do?
LADY MERESTON.
Good heavens, I want you to prevent it. After all he has a magnificent
position; he's got every chance of making a career for himself. There's
no reason why he shouldn't be Prime Minister--it's not fair to the boy
to let him marry a woman like that.
FOULDES.
Of course you know Lady Frederick?
LADY MERESTON.
My dear Paradine, we're the greatest friends. You don't suppose I'm
going to give her the advantage of quarrelling with me. I think I shall
ask her to luncheon to meet you.
FOULDES.
Women have such an advantage over men in affairs of this sort. They're
troubled by no scruples, and, like George Washington, never hesitate to
lie.
LADY MERESTON.
I look upon her as an abandoned creature, and I tell you frankly I shall
stop at nothing to save my son from her clutches.
FOULDES.
Only a thoroughly good woman could so calmly announce her intention of
using the crookedest ways to gain her ends.
LADY MERESTON.
[_Looking at him._] There must be some incident in her career which she
wouldn't like raked up. If we could only get hold of that....
FOULDES.
[_Blandly._] How d'you imagine I can help you?
LADY MERESTON.
A reformed burglar is always the best detective.
FOULDES.
My dear, I wish you could be frank without being sententious.
LADY MERESTON.
You've run through two fortunes, and if we all got our deserts you would
be starving now instead of being richer than ever.
FOULDES.
My second cousins have a knack of dying at the psychological moment.
LADY MERESTON.
You've been a horrid, dissipated wretch all your life, and heaven knows
the disreputable people who've been your bosom friends.
FOULDES.
With my knowledge of the world and your entire lack of scruple we should
certainly be a match for one defenceless woman.
LADY MERESTON.
[_Looking at him sharply._] Common report says that at one time you were
very much in love with her.
FOULDES.
Common report is an ass whose long ears only catch its own braying.
LADY MERESTON.
I was wondering how far things went. If you could tell Charlie of the
relations between you....
FOULDES.
My good Maud, there were no relations--unfortunately.
LADY MERESTON.
Poor George was very uneasy about you at the time.
FOULDES.
Your deceased husband, being a strictly religious man, made a point of
believing the worst about his neighbours.
LADY MERESTON.
Don't, Paradine; I know you didn't like one another, but remember that I
loved him with all my heart. I shall never get over his death.
FOULDES.
My dear girl, you know I didn't mean to wound you.
LADY MERESTON.
After all, it was largely your fault. He was deeply religious, and as
the president of the Broad Church Union he couldn't countenance your
mode of life.
FOULDES.
[_With great unction._] Thank God in my day I've been a miserable
sinner!
LADY MERESTON.
[_Laughing._] You're quite incurable, Paradine. But you will help me
now. Since his father's death, the boy and I have lived a very retired
life, and now we're quite helpless. It would break my heart if Charlie
married that woman.
FOULDES.
I'll do my best. I think I can promise you that nothing will come of it.
[_The door is flung open, and_ LADY FREDERICK _enters, followed by_
MERESTON, _a young boyish man of twenty-two; by her brother_, SIR
GERALD O'MARA, _a handsome fellow of six-and-twenty; by_ CAPTAIN
MONTGOMERIE, ADMIRAL CARLISLE, _and_ ROSE, _his daughter_. LADY
FREDERICK _is a handsome Irish woman of thirty to thirty-five,
beautifully dressed. She is very vivacious, and light-hearted. She
has all the Irish recklessness and unconcern for the morrow.
Whenever she wants to get round anybody she falls into an Irish
brogue, and then, as she knows very well, she is quite
irresistible._ CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE _is a polished, well-groomed man
of thirty-five, with suave manners_. THE ADMIRAL _is bluff and
downright_. ROSE _is a pretty ingénue of nineteen_.
LADY MERESTON.
Here they are.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Enthusiastically going to him with open arms._] Paradine! Paradine!
Paradine!
MERERSTON.
Oh, my prophetic soul, mine uncle!
FOULDES.
[_Shaking hands with_ LADY FREDERICK.] I heard you were at the Casino.
LADY FREDERICK.
Charlie lost all his money, so I brought him away.
LADY MERESTON.
I wish you wouldn't gamble, Charlie dear.
MERERSTON.
My dear mother, I've only lost ten thousand francs.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_To_ PARADINE FOULDES.] I see you're in your usual robust health.
FOULDES.
You needn't throw it in my face. I shall probably be very unwell
to-morrow.
LADY FREDERICK.
D'you know Admiral Carlisle? This is my brother Gerald.
FOULDES.
[_Shaking hands._] How d'you do?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Introducing._] Captain Montgomerie.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I think we've met before.
FOULDES.
I'm very pleased to hear it. How d'you do. [_To_ MERERSTON.] Are you
having a good time in Monte Carlo, Charles?
MERERSTON.
A 1, thanks.
FOULDES.
And what do you do with yourself?
MERERSTON.
Oh, hang about generally, you know--and there's always the tables.
FOULDES.
That's right, my boy; I'm glad to see that you prepare yourself properly
for your duties as a hereditary legislator.
MERERSTON.
[_Laughing._] Oh, shut it, Uncle Paradine.
FOULDES.
I rejoice also to find that you have already a certain command of the
vernacular.
MERERSTON.
Well, if you can browbeat a London cabby and hold your own in repartee
with a barmaid, it oughtn't to be difficult to get on all right in the
House of Lords.
FOULDES.
But let me give you a solemn warning. You have a magnificent chance,
dear boy, with all the advantages of wealth and station. I beseech you
not to throw it away by any exhibition of talent. The field is clear and
the British people are waiting for a leader. But remember that the
British people like their leaders dull. Capacity they mistrust,
versatility they cannot bear, and wit they utterly abhor. Look at the
fate of poor Lord Parnaby. His urbanity gained him the premiership, but
his brilliancy overthrew him. How could the fortunes of the nation be
safe with a man whose speeches were pointed and sparkling, whose mind
was so quick, so agile, that it reminded you of a fencer's play? Every
one is agreed that Lord Parnaby is flippant and unsubstantial; we doubt
his principles and we have grave fears about his morality. Take warning,
my dear boy, take warning. Let the sprightly epigram never lighten the
long periods of your speech nor the Attic salt flavour the roast beef of
your conversation. Be careful that your metaphors show no imagination
and conceal your brains as you would a discreditable secret. Above all,
if you have a sense of humour, crush it. Crush it.
MERESTON.
My dear uncle, you move me very much. I will be as stupid as an owl.
FOULDES.
There's a good, brave boy.
MERESTON.
I will be heavy and tedious.
FOULDES.
I see already the riband of the Garter adorning your shirt-front.
Remember, there's no damned merit about that.
MERESTON.
None shall listen to my speeches without falling into a profound sleep.
FOULDES.
[_Seizing his hand._] The premiership itself is within your grasp.
LADY MERESTON.
Dear Paradine, let us take a stroll on the terrace before we go to bed.
FOULDES.
And you shall softly whisper all the latest scandal in my ear.
[_He puts on her cloak and they go out._
LADY FREDERICK.
May I speak to you, Admiral?
ADMIRAL.
Certainly, certainly. What can I do for you?
[_While_ LADY FREDERICK _and the_ ADMIRAL _talk,
the others go slowly out. Through the
conversation she uses her Irish brogue._
LADY FREDERICK.
Are you in a good temper?
ADMIRAL.
Fairly, fairly.
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm glad of that because I want to make you a proposal of marriage.
ADMIRAL.
My dear Lady Frederick, you take me entirely by surprise.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Laughing._] Not on my own behalf, you know.
ADMIRAL.
Oh, I see.
LADY FREDERICK.
The fact is, my brother Gerald has asked your daughter to marry him, and
she has accepted.
ADMIRAL.
Rose is a minx, Lady Frederick, and she's much too young to marry.
LADY FREDERICK.
Now don't fly into a passion. We're going to talk it over quite calmly.
ADMIRAL.
I tell you I won't hear of it. The boy's penniless.
LADY FREDERICK.
That's why it's so lucky you're rich.
ADMIRAL.
Eh?
LADY FREDERICK.
You've been talking of buying a place in Ireland. You couldn't want
anything nicer than Gerald's--gravel soil, you know. And you simply dote
on Elizabethan architecture.
ADMIRAL.
I can't bear it.
LADY FREDERICK.
How fortunate, then, that the house was burnt down in the eighteenth
century and rebuilt in the best Georgian style.
ADMIRAL.
Ugh.
LADY FREDERICK.
And you'd love to have little grandsons to dandle on your knee.
ADMIRAL.
How do I know they wouldn't be girls?
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh, it's most unusual in our family.
ADMIRAL.
I tell you I won't hear of it.
LADY FREDERICK.
You know, it's not bad to have the oldest baronetcy in the country but
one.
ADMIRAL.
I suppose I shall have to pack Rose off to England.
LADY FREDERICK.
And break her heart?
ADMIRAL.
Women's hearts are like old china, none the worse for a break or two.
LADY FREDERICK.
Did you ever know my husband, Admiral?
ADMIRAL.
Yes.
LADY FREDERICK.
I was married to him at seventeen because my mother thought it a good
match, and I was desperately in love with another man. Before we'd been
married a fortnight he came home blind drunk, and I had never seen a
drunken man before. Then I found out he was a confirmed tippler. I was
so ashamed. If you only knew what my life was for the ten years I lived
with him. I've done a lot of foolish things in my time, but, my God, I
have suffered.
ADMIRAL.
Yes, I know, I know.
LADY FREDERICK.
And believe me, when two young things love one another it's better to
let them marry. Love is so very rare in this world. One really ought to
make the most of it when it's there.
ADMIRAL.
I'm very sorry, but I've made up my mind.
LADY FREDERICK.
Ah, but won't you alter it--like Nelson. Don't be hard on Rose. She's
really in love with Gerald. Do give them a chance. Won't you? Ah,
do--there's a dear.
ADMIRAL.
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but Sir Gerald is about the most
ineligible young man that I've ever come across.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Triumphantly._] There, I knew we should agree. That's precisely what I
told him this morning.
ADMIRAL.
I understand his place is heavily mortgaged.
LADY FREDERICK.
No one will lend a penny more on it. If they would Gerald would borrow
it at once.
ADMIRAL.
He's got nothing but his pay to live upon.
LADY FREDERICK.
And his tastes are very extravagant.
ADMIRAL.
He's a gambler.
LADY FREDERICK.
Yes, but then he's so good looking.
ADMIRAL.
Eh?
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm glad that we agree so entirely about him. Now there's nothing left
but to call the young things in, join their hands and give them our
united blessing.
ADMIRAL.
Before I consent to this marriage, madam, I'll see your brother----
LADY FREDERICK.
Damned?
ADMIRAL.
Yes, madam, damned.
LADY FREDERICK.
Now listen to me quietly, will you?
ADMIRAL.
I should warn you, Lady Frederick, that when I once make up my mind
about a thing, I never change it.
LADY FREDERICK.
Now that is what I really admire. I like a man of character. You know,
I've always been impressed by your strength and determination.
ADMIRAL.
I don't know about that. But when I say a thing, I do it.
LADY FREDERICK.
Yes, I know. And in five minutes you're going to say that Gerald may
marry your pretty Rose.
ADMIRAL.
No, no, no.
LADY FREDERICK.
Now look here, don't be obstinate, I don't like you when you're
obstinate.
ADMIRAL.
I'm not obstinate. I'm firm.
LADY FREDERICK.
After all, Gerald has lots of good qualities. He's simply devoted to
your daughter. He's been a little wild, but you know you wouldn't give
much for a young man who hadn't.
ADMIRAL.
[_Gruffly._] I don't want a milksop for a son-in-law.
LADY FREDERICK.
As soon as he's married, he'll settle into a model country squire.
ADMIRAL.
Well, he's a gambler, and I can't get over that.
LADY FREDERICK.
Shall he promise you never to play cards again? Now, don't be horrid.
You don't want to make me utterly wretched, do you?
ADMIRAL.
[_Unwillingly._] Well, I'll tell you what I'll do--they shall marry if
he doesn't gamble for a year.
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh, you duck. [_She impulsively throws her arms round his neck and
kisses him. He is a good deal taken aback._] I beg your pardon, I
couldn't help it.
ADMIRAL.
I don't altogether object, you know.
LADY FREDERICK.
Upon my word, in some ways you're rather fascinating.
ADMIRAL.
D'you think so, really?
LADY FREDERICK.
I do indeed.
ADMIRAL.
I rather wish that proposal of marriage had been on your own behalf.
LADY FREDERICK.
Ah, with me, dear Admiral, experience triumphs over hope. I must tell
the children. [_Calling._] Gerald, come here. Rose.
[GERALD _and_ ROSE _come in_.
LADY FREDERICK.
I always knew your father was a perfect darling, Rose.
ROSE.
Oh, papa, you are a brick.
ADMIRAL.
I thoroughly disapprove of the marriage, my dear, but--it's not easy to
say no to Lady Frederick.
GERALD.
It's awfully good of you, Admiral, and I'll do my best to make Rose a
ripping husband.
ADMIRAL.
Not so fast, young man, not so fast. There's a condition.
ROSE.
Oh, father!
LADY FREDERICK.
Gerald is to behave himself for a year, and then you may marry.
ROSE.
But won't Gerald grow very dull if he behaves himself?
LADY FREDERICK.
I have no doubt of it. But dullness is the first requisite of a good
husband.
ADMIRAL.
Now you must pack off to bed, my dear. I'm going to smoke my pipe before
turning in.
ROSE.
[_Kissing_ LADY FREDERICK.] Good-night, dearest. I'll never forget your
kindness.
LADY FREDERICK.
You'd better not thank me till you've been married a few years.
ROSE.
[_Holding out her hand to_ GERALD.] Good-night.
GERALD.
[_Taking it and looking at her._] Good-night.
ADMIRAL.
[_Gruffly._] You may as well do it in front of my face as behind my
back.
ROSE.
[_Lifting up her lips._] Good-night.
[_He kisses her, and the_ ADMIRAL _and_ ROSE _go out._
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh lord, I wish I were eighteen.
[_She sinks into a chair, and an expression of utter weariness comes
over her face._
GERALD.
I say, what's up?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Starting._] I thought you'd gone. Nothing.
GERALD.
Come, out with it.
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh, my poor boy, if you only knew. I'm so worried that I don't know what
on earth to do.
GERALD.
Money?
LADY FREDERICK.
Last year I made a solemn determination to be economical. And it's
ruined me.
GERALD.
My dear, how could it?
LADY FREDERICK.
I can't make it out. It seems very unfair. The more I tried not to be
extravagant, the more I spent.
GERALD.
Can't you borrow?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Laughing._] I have borrowed. That's just it.
GERALD.
Well, borrow again.
LADY FREDERICK.
I've tried to. But no one's such a fool as to lend me a penny.
GERALD.
Did you say I'd sign anything they liked?
LADY FREDERICK.
I was so desperate I said we'd both sign anything. It was Dick Cohen.
GERALD.
Oh lord, what did he say?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Imitating a Jewish accent._] What's the good of wathting a nithe clean
sheet of paper, my dear lady?
GERALD.
[_Shouting with laughter._] By George, don't I know it.
LADY FREDERICK.
For heaven's sake don't let's talk of my affairs. They're in such a
state that if I think of them at all I shall have a violent fit of
hysterics.
GERALD.
But look here, what d'you really mean?
LADY FREDERICK.
Well, if you want it--I owe my dressmaker seven hundred pounds, and last
year I signed two horrid bills, one for fifteen hundred and the other
for two thousand. They fall due the day after to-morrow, and if I can't
raise the money I shall have to go through the Bankruptcy Court.
GERALD.
By George, that's serious.
LADY FREDERICK.
It's so serious that I can't help thinking something will happen.
Whenever I've got in a really tight fix something has turned up and put
me on my legs again. Last time, Aunt Elizabeth had an apoplectic fit.
But of course it wasn't really very profitable because mourning is so
desperately expensive.
GERALD.
Why don't you marry?
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh, my dear Gerald, you know I'm always unlucky at games of chance.
GERALD.
Charlie Mereston's awfully gone on you.
LADY FREDERICK.
That must be obvious to the meanest intelligence.
GERALD.
Well, why don't you have him?
LADY FREDERICK.
Good heavens, I'm old enough to be his mother.
GERALD.
Nonsense. You're only ten years older than he is, and nowadays no nice
young man marries a woman younger than himself.
LADY FREDERICK.
He's such a good fellow. I couldn't do him a nasty turn like that.
GERALD.
How about Montgomerie? He simply stinks of money, and he's not a bad
sort.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Surprised._] My dear boy, I hardly know him.
GERALD.
Well, I'm afraid it means marriage or bankruptcy.
LADY FREDERICK.
Here's Charlie. Take him away, there's a dear. I want to talk to
Paradine.
_Enter_ PARADINE FOULDES _with_ MERESTON.
FOULDES.
What, still here, Lady Frederick?
LADY FREDERICK.
As large as life.
FOULDES.
We've been taking a turn on the terrace.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_To_ MERESTON.] And has your astute uncle been pumping you, Charlie?
FOULDES.
Eh, what?
MERESTON.
I don't think he got much out of me.
FOULDES.
[_Good-naturedly._] All I wanted, dear boy. There's no one so
transparent as the person who thinks he's devilish deep. By the way,
what's the time?
GERALD.
About eleven, isn't it?
FOULDES.
Ah! How old are you, Charlie?
MERESTON.
Twenty-two.
FOULDES.
Then it's high time you went to bed.
LADY FREDERICK.
Charlie's not going to bed till I tell him. Are you?
MERESTON.
Of course not.
FOULDES.
Has it escaped your acute intelligence, my friend, that I want to talk
to Lady Frederick?
MERESTON.
Not at all. But I have no reason to believe that Lady Frederick wants to
talk to you.
GERALD.
Let's go and have a game of pills, Charlie.
MERESTON.
D'you want to be left alone with the old villain?
FOULDES.
You show no respect for my dyed hairs, young man.
LADY FREDERICK.
I've not seen him for years, you know.
MERESTON.
Oh, all right. I say, you're coming for a ride to-morrow, aren't you?
LADY FREDERICK.
Certainly. But it must be in the afternoon.
FOULDES.
I'm sorry, but Charles has arranged to motor me over to Nice in the
afternoon.
MERESTON.
[_To_ LADY FREDERICK.] That'll suit me A 1. I had an engagement, but it
was quite unimportant.
LADY FREDERICK.
Then that's settled. Good-night.
MERESTON.
Good-night.
[_He goes out with_ GERALD. LADY FREDERICK
_turns and good-humouredly scrutinises_
Paradine FOULDES.
LADY FREDERICK.
Well?
FOULDES.
Well?
LADY FREDERICK.
You wear excellently, Paradine.
FOULDES.
Thanks.
LADY FREDERICK.
How do you manage it?
FOULDES.
By getting up late and never going to bed early, by eating whatever I
like and drinking whenever I'm thirsty, by smoking strong cigars, taking
no exercise, and refusing under any circumstances to be bored.
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm sorry you had to leave town in such a hurry. Were you amusing
yourself?
FOULDES.
I come to the Riviera every year.
LADY FREDERICK.
I daresay, but not so early.
FOULDES.
I've never surrendered so far to middle age as to make habits.
LADY FREDERICK.
My dear Paradine, the day before yesterday, Lady Mereston, quite
distracted, went to the post office and sent you the following wire:
"Come at once, your help urgently needed. Charlie in toils designing
female, Maud." Am I right?
FOULDES.
I never admit even to myself that a well-dressed woman is mistaken.
LADY FREDERICK.
So you started post-haste, bent upon protecting your nephew, and were
infinitely surprised to learn that the designing female was no other
than your humble servant.
FOULDES.
You'd be irresistible, Lady Frederick, if you didn't know you were so
clever.
LADY FREDERICK.
And now what are you going to do?
FOULDES.
My dear lady, I'm not a police officer, but a very harmless, inoffensive
old bachelor.
LADY FREDERICK.
With more wiles than the mother of many daughters and the subtlety of a
company promoter.
FOULDES.
Maud seems to think that as I've racketted about a little in my time,
I'm just the sort of man to deal with you. Set a thief to catch a thief,
don't you know? She's rather fond of proverbs.
LADY FREDERICK.
She should have thought rather of: When Greek meets Greek, then comes
the tug of war. I hear Lady Mereston has been saying the most agreeable
things about me.
FOULDES.
Ah, that's women's fault; they always show their hand. You're the only
woman I ever knew who didn't.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_With a brogue._] You should have avoided the Blarney Stone when you
went to Ireland.
FOULDES.
Look here, d'you want to marry Charlie?
LADY FREDERICK.
Why should I?
FOULDES.
Because he's got fifty thousand a year, and you're head over ears in
debt. You've got to raise something like four thousand pounds at once,
or you go under. You've got yourself a good deal talked about during the
last ten years, but people have stood you because you had plenty of
money. If you go broke they'll drop you like a hot potato. And I daresay
it wouldn't be inconvenient to change Lady Frederick Berolles into Lady
Mereston. My sister has always led me to believe that it is rather
attractive to be a Marchioness.
LADY FREDERICK.
Unlike a duchess, its cheap without being gaudy.
FOULDES.
You asked me why you might want to marry a boy from ten to fifteen years
younger than yourself, and I've told you.
LADY FREDERICK.
And now perhaps you'll tell me why you're going to interfere in my
private concerns?
FOULDES.
Well, you see his mother happens to be my sister, and I'm rather fond of
her. It's true her husband was the most sanctimonious prig I've ever met
in my life.
LADY FREDERICK.
I remember him well. He was president of the Broad Church Union and wore
side-whiskers.
FOULDES.
But she stuck to me through thick and thin. I've been in some pretty
tight places in my day, and she's always given me a leg up when I wanted
it. I've got an idea it would just about break her heart if Charlie
married you.
LADY FREDERICK.
Thanks.
FOULDES.
You know, I don't want to be offensive, but I think it would be a pity
myself. And besides, unless I'm much mistaken, I've got a little score
of my own that I want to pay off.
LADY FREDERICK.
Have you?
FOULDES.
You've got a good enough memory not to have forgotten that you made a
blithering fool of me once. I swore I'd get even with you, and by
George, I mean to do it.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Laughing._] And how do you propose to stop me if I make up my mind
that I'm going to accept Charlie?
FOULDES.
Well, he's not proposed yet, has he?
LADY FREDERICK.
Not yet, but I've had to use every trick and device I can think of to
prevent him.
FOULDES.
Look here, I'm going to play this game with my cards on the table.
LADY FREDERICK.
Then I shall be on my guard. You're never so dangerous as when you
pretend to be frank.
FOULDES.
I'm sorry you should think so badly of me.
LADY FREDERICK.
I don't. Only it was a stroke of genius when Nature put the soul of a
Jesuit priest into the body of a Yorkshire squire.
FOULDES.
I wonder what you're paying me compliments for. You must be rather
afraid of me.
[_They look at one another for a moment._
LADY FREDERICK.
Well, let's look at these cards.
FOULDES.
First of all, there's this money you've got to raise.
LADY FREDERICK.
Well?
FOULDES.
This is my sister's suggestion.
LADY FREDERICK.
That means you don't much like it.
FOULDES.
If you'll refuse the boy and clear out--we'll give you forty thousand
pounds.
LADY FREDERICK.
I suppose you'd be rather surprised if I boxed your ears.
FOULDES.
Now, look here, between you and me high falutin's rather absurd, don't
you think so? You're in desperate want of money, and I don't suppose it
would amuse you much to have a young hobbledehoy hanging about your
skirts for the rest of your life.
LADY FREDERICK.
Very well, we'll have no high falutin! You may tell Lady Mereston that
if I really wanted the money I shouldn't be such an idiot as to take
forty thousand down when I can have fifty thousand a year for the
asking.
FOULDES.
I told her that.
LADY FREDERICK.
You showed great perspicacity. Now for the second card.
FOULDES.
My dear, it's no good getting into a paddy over it.
LADY FREDERICK.
I've never been calmer in my life.
FOULDES.
You always had the very deuce of a temper. I suppose you've not given
Charlie a sample of it yet, have you?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Laughing._] Not yet.
FOULDES.
Well, the second card's your reputation.
LADY FREDERICK.
But I haven't got any. I thought that such an advantage.
FOULDES.
You see Charlie is a young fool. He thinks you a paragon of all the
virtues, and it's never occurred to him that you've rather gone the pace
in your time.
LADY FREDERICK.
It's one of my greatest consolations to think that even a hundred
horse-power racing motor couldn't be more rapid than I've been.
FOULDES.
Still it'll be rather a shock to Charlie when he hears that this modest
flower whom he trembles to adore has....
LADY FREDERICK.
Very nearly eloped with his own uncle. But you won't tell him that story
because you hate looking a perfect ass.
FOULDES.
Madam, when duty calls, Paradine Fouldes consents even to look
ridiculous. But I was thinking of the Bellingham affair.
LADY FREDERICK.
Ah, of course, there's the Bellingham affair. I'd forgotten it.
FOULDES.
Nasty little business that, eh?
LADY FREDERICK.
Horrid.
FOULDES.
Don't you think it would choke him off?
LADY FREDERICK.
I think it very probable.
FOULDES.
Well, hadn't you better cave in?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Ringing the bell._] Ah, but you've not seen my cards yet. [_A servant
enters._] Tell my servant to bring down the despatch-box which is on my
writing-table.
SERVANT.
Yes, miladi.
[_Exit._
FOULDES.
What's up now?
LADY FREDERICK.
Well, four or five years ago I was staying at this hotel, and Mimi la
Bretonne had rooms here.
FOULDES.
I never heard of the lady, but her name suggests that she had an
affectionate nature.
LADY FREDERICK.
She was a little singer at the Folies Bergères, and she had the
loveliest emeralds I ever saw.
FOULDES.
But you don't know Maud's.
LADY FREDERICK.
The late Lord Mereston had a passion for emeralds. He always thought
they were such pure stones.
FOULDES.
[_Quickly._] I beg your pardon?
LADY FREDERICK.
Well, Mimi fell desperately ill, and there was no one to look after her.
Of course the pious English ladies in the hotel wouldn't go within a
mile of her, so I went and did the usual thing, don't you know.
[LADY FREDERICK'S _man comes in with a small
despatch-box which he places on a table. He
goes out._ LADY FREDERICK _as she talks,
unlocks it_.
FOULDES.
Thank God I'm a bachelor, and no ministering angel ever smoothes my
pillow when I particularly want to be left alone.
LADY FREDERICK.
I nursed her more or less through the whole illness, and afterwards she
fancied she owed me her worthless little life. She wanted to give me the
precious emeralds, and when I refused was so heart-broken that I said
I'd take one thing if I might.
FOULDES.
And what was that?
LADY FREDERICK.
A bundle of letters. I'd seen the address on the back of the envelope,
and then I recognised the writing. I thought they'd be much safer in my
hands than in hers. [_She takes them out of the box and hands them to_
PARADINE.] Here they are.
[_He looks and starts violently._
FOULDES.
89 Grosvenor Square. It's Mereston's writing. You don't mean? What! Ah,
ah, ah. [_He bursts into a shout of laughter._] The old sinner. And
Mereston wouldn't have me in the house, if you please, because I was a
dissolute libertine. And he was the president of the Broad Church Union.
Good Lord, how often have I heard him say: "Gentlemen, I take my stand
on the morality, the cleanliness and the purity of English Family Life."
Oh, oh, oh.
LADY FREDERICK.
I've often noticed that the religious temperament is very susceptible to
the charms of my sex.
FOULDES.
May I look?
LADY FREDERICK.
Well, I don't know. I suppose so.
FOULDES.
[_Reading._] "Heart's delight".... And he signs himself, "your darling
chickabiddy." The old ruffian.
LADY FREDERICK.
She was a very pretty little thing.
FOULDES.
I daresay, but thank heaven, I have some sense of decency left, and it
outrages all my susceptibilities that a man in side-whiskers should call
himself anybody's chickabiddy.
LADY FREDERICK.
Protestations of undying affection are never ridiculous when they are
accompanied by such splendid emeralds.
FOULDES.
[_Starting and growing suddenly serious._] And what about Maud?
LADY FREDERICK.
Well?
FOULDES.
Poor girl, it'd simply break her heart. He preached at her steadily for
twenty years, and she worshipped the very ground he trod on. She'd have
died of grief at his death except she felt it her duty to go on with his
work.
LADY FREDERICK.
I know.
FOULDES.
By Jove, it's a good card. You were quite right to refuse the emeralds:
these letters are twice as valuable.
LADY FREDERICK.
Would you like to burn them?
FOULDES.
Betsy!
LADY FREDERICK.
There's the stove. Put them in.
[_He takes them up in both hands and hurries to
the stove. But he stops and brings them
back, he throws them on the sofa._
FOULDES.
No, I won't.
LADY FREDERICK.
Why not?
FOULDES.
It's too dooced generous. I'll fight you tooth and nail, but it's not
fair to take an advantage over me like that. You'll bind my hands with
fetters.
LADY FREDERICK.
Very well. You've had your chance.
FOULDES.
But, by Jove, you must have a good hand to throw away a card like that.
What have you got--a straight flush?
LADY FREDERICK.
I may be only bluffing, you know.
FOULDES.
Lord, it does me good to hear your nice old Irish brogue again.
LADY FREDERICK.
Faith, and does it?
FOULDES.
I believe you only put it on to get over people.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Smiling._] Begorrah, it's not easy to get over you.
FOULDES.
Lord, I was in love with you once, wasn't I?
LADY FREDERICK.
Not more than lots of other people have been.
FOULDES.
And you did treat me abominably.
LADY FREDERICK.
Ah, that's what they all said. But you got over it very well.
FOULDES.
I didn't. My digestion was permanently impaired by your brutal
treatment.
LADY FREDERICK.
Is that why you went to Carlsbad afterwards instead of the Rocky
Mountains?
FOULDES.
You may laugh, but the fact remains that I've only been in love once,
and that was with you.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Smiling as she holds out her hand._] Good-night.
FOULDES.
For all that I'm going to fight you now for all I'm worth.
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm not frightened of you, Paradine.
FOULDES.
Good-night.
[_As he goes out_, CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE _enters_.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Yawning and stretching her arms._] Oh I'm so sleepy.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I'm sorry for that. I wanted to have a talk with you.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Smiling._] I daresay I can keep awake for five minutes, you
know--especially if you offer me a cigarette.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Here you are.
[_He hands her his case and lights her cigarette._
LADY FREDERICK.
[_With a sigh._] Oh, what a comfort.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I wanted to tell you, I had a letter this morning from my solicitor to
say that he's just bought Crowley Castle on my behalf.
LADY FREDERICK.
Really. But it's a lovely place. You must ask me to come and stay.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I should like you to stay there indefinitely.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_With a quick look._] That's charming of you, but I never desert my
London long.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
[_Smiling._] I have a very nice house in Portman Square.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Surprised._] Really?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
And I'm thinking of going into Parliament at the next election.
LADY FREDERICK.
It appears to be a very delightful pastime to govern the British nation,
dignified without being laborious.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Lady Frederick, although I've been in the service I have rather a good
head for business, and I hate beating about the bush. I wanted to ask
you to marry me.
LADY FREDERICK.
It's nice of you not to make a fuss about it. I'm very much obliged but
I'm afraid I can't.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Why not?
LADY FREDERICK.
Well, you see, I don't know you.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
We could spend the beginning of our married life so usefully in making
one another's acquaintance.
LADY FREDERICK.
It would be rather late in the day then to come to the conclusion that
we couldn't bear the sight of one another.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Shall I send my banker's book so that you may see that my antecedents
are respectable and my circumstances--such as to inspire affection.
LADY FREDERICK.
I have no doubt it would be very interesting--but not to me.
[_She makes as if to go._
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Ah, don't go yet. Won't you give me some reason?
LADY FREDERICK.
If you insist. I'm not in the least in love with you.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
D'you think that much matters?
LADY FREDERICK.
You're a friend of Gerald's, and he says you're a very good sort. But I
really can't marry every one that Gerald rather likes.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
He said he'd put in a good word for me.
LADY FREDERICK.
If I ever marry again it shall be to please myself, not to please my
brother.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I hope I shall induce you to alter your mind.
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm afraid I can give you no hope of that.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
You know, when I determine to do a thing, I generally do it.
LADY FREDERICK.
That sounds very like a threat.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
You may take it as such if you please.
LADY FREDERICK.
And you've made up your mind that you're going to marry me?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Quite.
LADY FREDERICK.
Well, I've made up mine that you shan't. So we're quits.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Why don't you talk to your brother about it?
LADY FREDERICK.
Because it's no business of his.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Isn't it? Ask him!
LADY FREDERICK.
What do you mean by that?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Ask him? Good-night.
LADY FREDERICK.
Good-night. [_He goes out._ LADY FREDERICK _goes to the French window
that leads to the terrace and calls_.] Gerald!
GERALD.
Hulloa!
[_He appears and comes into the room._
LADY FREDERICK.
Did you know that Captain Montgomerie was going to propose to me?
GERALD.
Yes.
LADY FREDERICK.
Is there any reason why I should marry him?
GERALD.
Only that I owe him nine hundred pounds.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Aghast._] Oh, why didn't you tell me?
GERALD.
You were so worried, I couldn't. Oh, I've been such a fool. I tried to
make a _coup_ for Rose's sake.
LADY FREDERICK.
Is it a gambling debt?
GERALD.
Yes.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Ironically._] What they call a debt of honour?
GERALD.
I must pay it the day after to-morrow without fail.
LADY FREDERICK.
But that's the day my two bills fall due. And if you don't?
GERALD.
I shall have to send in my papers, and I shall lose Rosie. And then I
shall blow out my silly brains.
LADY FREDERICK.
But who is the man?
GERALD.
He's the son of Aaron Levitzki, the money-lender.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Half-comic, half-aghast._] Oh lord!
END OF THE FIRST ACT
THE SECOND ACT
_The scene is the same as in_ ACT I. ADMIRAL CARLISLE _is sleeping
in an armchair with a handkerchief over his face_. ROSE _is sitting
on a grandfather's chair, and_ GERALD _is leaning over the back_.
ROSE.
Isn't papa a perfectly adorable chaperon?
[_The_ ADMIRAL _snores_.
GERALD.
Perfectly.
[_A pause._
ROSE.
I've started fifteen topics of conversation in the last quarter of an
hour, Gerald.
GERALD.
[_Smiling._] Have you?
ROSE.
You always agree with me, and there's an end of it. So I have to rack my
brains again.
GERALD.
All you say is so very wise and sensible. Of course I agree.
ROSE.
I wonder if you'll think me sensible and wise in ten years.
GERALD.
I'm quite sure I shall.
ROSE.
Why, then, I'm afraid we shan't cultivate any great brilliancy of
repartee.
GERALD.
Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever.
ROSE.
Oh, don't say that. When a man's in love, he at once makes a pedestal of
the Ten Commandments and stands on the top of them with his arms akimbo.
When a woman's in love she doesn't care two straws for Thou Shalt and
Thou Shalt Not.
GERALD.
When a woman's in love she can put her heart on the slide of a
microscope and examine how it beats. When a man's in love, what do you
think he cares for science and philosophy and all the rest of it!
ROSE.
When a man's in love he can only write sonnets to the moon. When a
woman's in love she can still cook his dinner and darn her own
stockings.
GERALD.
I wish you wouldn't cap all my observations.
[_She lifts up her face, and he kisses her lips._
ROSE.
I'm beginning to think you're rather nice, you know.
GERALD.
That's reassuring, at all events.
ROSE.
But no one could accuse you of being a scintillating talker.
GERALD.
Have you ever watched the lovers in the Park sitting on the benches hour
after hour without saying a word?
ROSE.
Why?
GERALD.
Because I've always thought that they must be bored to the verge of
tears. Now I know they're only happy.
ROSE.
You're certainly my soldier, so I suppose I'm your nursery-maid.
GERALD.
You know, when I was at Trinity College, Dublin----
ROSE.
[_Interrupting._] Were you there? I thought you went to Oxford.
GERALD.
No, why?
ROSE.
Only all my people go to Magdalen.
GERALD.
Yes.
ROSE.
And I've decided that if I ever have a son he shall go there too.
[_The_ ADMIRAL _starts and pulls the handkerchief
off his face. The others do not notice him.
He is aghast and astounded at the conversation._
LADY FREDERICK _comes in later and
stands smiling as she listens_.
GERALD.
My darling, you know I hate to thwart you in any way, but I've quite
made up my mind that my son shall go to Dublin as I did.
ROSE.
I'm awfully sorry, Gerald, but the boy must be educated like a
gentleman.
GERALD.
There I quite agree, Rose, but first of all he's an Irishman, and it's
right that he should be educated in Ireland.
ROSE.
Darling Gerald, a mother's love is naturally the safest guide in these
things.
GERALD.
Dearest Rose, a father's wisdom is always the most reliable.
LADY FREDERICK.
Pardon my interfering, but--aren't you just a little previous?
ADMIRAL.
[_Bursting out._] Did you ever hear such a conversation in your life
between a young unmarried couple?
ROSE.
My dear papa, we must be prepared for everything.
ADMIRAL.
In my youth young ladies did not refer to things of that sort.
LADY FREDERICK.
Well, I don't suppose they're any the worse for having an elementary
knowledge of natural history. Personally I doubt whether ignorance is
quite the same thing as virtue, and I'm not quite sure that a girl makes
a better wife because she's been brought up like a perfect fool.
ADMIRAL.
I am old-fashioned, Lady Frederick; and my idea of a modest girl is that
when certain topics are mentioned she should swoon. Swoon, madam,
swoon. They always did it when I was a lad.
ROSE.
Well, father, I've often tried to faint when I wanted something that you
wouldn't give me, and I've never been able to manage it. So I'm sure I
couldn't swoon.
ADMIRAL.
And with regard to this ridiculous discussion as to which University
your son is to be sent, you seem to forget that I have the right to be
consulted.
GERALD.
My dear Admiral, I don't see how it can possibly matter to you.
ADMIRAL.
And before we go any further I should like you to know that the very day
Rose was born I determined that her son should go to Cambridge.
ROSE.
My dear papa, I think Gerald and I are far and away the best judges of
our son's welfare.
ADMIRAL.
The boy must work, Rose. I will have no good-for-nothing as my grandson.
GERALD.
Exactly. And that is why I'm resolved he shall go to Dublin.
ROSE.
The important thing is that he should have really nice manners, and that
they teach at Oxford if they teach nothing else.
LADY FREDERICK.
Well, don't you think you'd better wait another twenty years or so
before you discuss this?
ADMIRAL.
There are some matters which must be settled at once, Lady Frederick.
LADY FREDERICK.
You know, young things are fairly independent nowadays. I don't know
what they'll be in twenty years' time.
GERALD.
The first thing the boy shall learn is obedience.
ROSE. Certainly. There's nothing so hateful as a disobedient child.
ADMIRAL.
I can't see my grandson venturing to disobey me.
LADY FREDERICK.
Then you're all agreed. So that's settled. I came to tell you your
carriage was ready.
ADMIRAL.
Go and put on your bonnet, Rose. [_To_ LADY FREDERICK.] Are you coming
with us?
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm afraid I can't. Au revoir.
ADMIRAL.
A tout à l'heure.
[_He and_ ROSE _go out_.
GERALD.
Have you ever seen in your life any one so entirely delightful as Rose?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Laughing._] Only when I've looked in the glass.
GERALD.
My dear Elizabeth, how vain you are.
LADY FREDERICK.
You're very happy, my Gerald.
GERALD.
It's such a relief to have got over all the difficulties. I thought it
never would come right. You are a brick, Elizabeth.
LADY FREDERICK.
I really think I am rather.
GERALD.
The moment you promised to arrange things I felt as safe as a house.
LADY FREDERICK.
I said I'd do my best, didn't I? And I told you not to worry.
GERALD.
[_Turning round suddenly._] Isn't it all right?
LADY FREDERICK.
No, it's about as wrong as it can possibly be. I knew Cohen was staying
here, and I thought I could get him to hold the bills over for a few
days.
GERALD.
And won't he?
LADY FREDERICK.
He hasn't got them any more.
GERALD.
[_Startled._] What!
LADY FREDERICK.
They've been negotiated, and he swears he doesn't know who has them.
GERALD.
But who could have been such a fool?
LADY FREDERICK.
I don't know, that's just the awful part of it. It was bad enough
before. I knew the worst Cohen could do, but now.... It couldn't be
Paradine.
GERALD.
And then there's Montgomerie.
LADY FREDERICK.
I shall see him to-day.
GERALD.
What are you going to say to him?
LADY FREDERICK.
I haven't an idea. I'm rather frightened of him.
GERALD.
You know, dear, if the worst comes to the worst....
LADY FREDERICK.
Whatever happens you shall marry Rose. I promise you that.
[PARADINE FOULDES _appears_.
FOULDES.
May I come in?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Gaily._] It's a public room. I don't see how we can possibly prevent
you.
GERALD.
I'm just going to take a stroll.
LADY FREDERICK.
Do.
[_He goes out._
FOULDES.
Well? How are things going?
LADY FREDERICK.
Quite well, thank you.
FOULDES.
I've left Charlie with his mother. I hope you can spare him for a couple
of hours.
LADY FREDERICK.
I told him he must spend the afternoon with her. I don't approve of his
neglecting his filial duty.
FOULDES.
Ah!... I saw Dick Cohen this morning.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Quickly._] Did you?
FOULDES.
It seems to interest you?
LADY FREDERICK.
Not at all. Why should it?
FOULDES.
[_Smiling._] Nice little man, isn't he?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Good humouredly._] I wish I had something to throw at you.
FOULDES.
[_With a laugh._] Well, I haven't got the confounded bills. I was too
late.
LADY FREDERICK.
Did you try?
FOULDES.
Oh--yes, I thought it would interest Charlie to know how extremely
needful it was for you to marry him.
LADY FREDERICK.
Then who on earth has got them?
FOULDES.
I haven't an idea, but they must make you very uncomfortable. Three
thousand five hundred, eh?
LADY FREDERICK.
Don't say it all at once. It sounds so much.
FOULDES.
You wouldn't like to exchange those letters of Mereston's for seven
thousand pounds, would you?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Laughing._] No.
FOULDES.
Ah.... By the way, d'you mind if I tell Charlie the full story of
your--relations with me?
LADY FREDERICK.
Why should I? It's not I who'll look ridiculous.
FOULDES.
Thanks. I may avail myself of your permission.
LADY FREDERICK.
I daresay you've noticed that Charlie has a very keen sense of humour.
FOULDES.
If you're going to be disagreeable to me I shall go. [_He stops._] I
say, are you quite sure there's nothing else that can be brought up
against you?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Laughing._] Quite sure, thanks.
FOULDES.
My sister's very jubilant to-day. What about the Bellingham affair?
LADY FREDERICK.
Merely scandal, my friend.
FOULDES.
Well, look out. She's a woman, and she'll stick at nothing.
LADY FREDERICK.
I wonder why you warn me.
FOULDES.
For the sake of old times, my dear.
LADY FREDERICK.
You're growing sentimental, Paradine. It's the punishment which the gods
inflict on a cynic when he grows old.
FOULDES.
It may be, but for the life of me I can't forget that once----
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Interrupting._] My dear friend, don't rake up my lamentable past.
FOULDES.
I don't think I've met any one so entirely devoid of sentiment as you
are.
LADY FREDERICK.
Let us agree that I have every vice under the sun and have done with it.
[_A_ SERVANT _comes in_.]
SERVANT.
Madame Claude wishes to see your ladyship.
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh, my dressmaker.
FOULDES.
Another bill?
LADY FREDERICK.
That's the worst of Monte. One meets as many creditors as in Bond
Street. Say I'm engaged.
SERVANT.
Madame Claude says she will wait till miladi is free.
FOULDES.
You make a mistake. One should always be polite to people whose bills
one can't pay.
LADY FREDERICK.
Show her in.
SERVANT.
Yes, miladi.
[_Exit_ SERVANT.
FOULDES.
Is it a big one?
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh, no; only seven hundred pounds.
FOULDES.
By Jove.
LADY FREDERICK.
My dear friend, one must dress. I can't go about in fig-leaves.
FOULDES.
One can dress simply.
LADY FREDERICK.
I do. That's why it costs so much.
FOULDES.
You know, you're devilish extravagant.
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm not. I'm content with the barest necessities of existence.
FOULDES.
You've got a maid.
LADY FREDERICK.
Of course I've got a maid. I was never taught to dress myself.
FOULDES.
And you've got a footman.
LADY FREDERICK.
I've always had a footman. And my mother always had a footman. I
couldn't live a day without him.
FOULDES.
What does he do for you?
LADY FREDERICK.
He inspires confidence in tradesmen.
FOULDES.
And you have the most expensive suite of rooms in the hotel.
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm in such a dreadful mess. If I hadn't got nice rooms I should brood
over it.
FOULDES.
Then, as if that weren't enough, you fling your money away at the
tables.
LADY FREDERICK.
When you're as poor as I am, a few louis more or less can make
absolutely no difference.
FOULDES.
[_With a laugh._] You're quite incorrigible.
LADY FREDERICK.
It's really not my fault. I do try to be economical, but money slips
through my fingers like water. I can't help it.
FOULDES.
You want a sensible sort of a man to look after you.
LADY FREDERICK.
I want a very rich sort of a man to look after me.
FOULDES.
If you were my wife, I should advertise in the papers that I wasn't
responsible for your debts.
LADY FREDERICK.
If you were my husband, I'd advertise immediately underneath that I
wasn't responsible for your manners.
FOULDES.
I wonder why you're so reckless.
LADY FREDERICK.
When my husband was alive I was so utterly wretched. And afterwards,
when I looked forward to a little happiness, my boy died. Then I didn't
care any more. I did everything I could to stupefy myself. I squandered
money as other women take morphia--that's all.
FOULDES.
It's the same dear scatter-brained, good-hearted Betsy that I used to
know.
LADY FREDERICK.
You're the only person who calls me Betsy now. To all the others I'm
only Elizabeth.
FOULDES.
Look here, what are you going to do with this dressmaker?
LADY FREDERICK.
I don't know. I always trust to the inspiration of the moment.
FOULDES.
She'll make a devil of a fuss, won't she?
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh, no; I shall be quite nice to her.
FOULDES.
I daresay. But won't she be very disagreeable to you?
LADY FREDERICK.
You don't know what a way I have with my creditors.
FOULDES.
I know it's not a paying way.
LADY FREDERICK.
Isn't it? I bet you a hundred louis that I offer her the money and she
refuses it.
FOULDES.
I'll take that.
LADY FREDERICK.
Here she is.
[MADAME CLAUDE _enters, ushered in by the_
SERVANT. _She is a stout, genteel person,
very splendidly gowned, with a Cockney
accent. Her face is set to sternness, decision
to make a scene, and general sourness._
SERVANT.
Madame Claude.
[_Exit_ SERVANT. LADY FREDERICK _goes up to
her enthusiastically and takes both her
hands_.
LADY FREDERICK.
Best of women. This is a joyful surprise.
MADAME CLAUDE.
[_Drawing herself up._] I 'eard quite by chance that your ladyship was
at Monte.
LADY FREDERICK.
So you came to see me at once. That was nice of you. You're the very
person I wanted to see.
MADAME CLAUDE.
[_Significantly._] I'm glad of that, my lady, I must confess.
LADY FREDERICK.
You dear creature. That's one advantage of Monte Carlo, one meets all
one's friends. Do you know Mr. Fouldes? This is Madame Claude, an
artist, my dear Paradine, a real artist.
MADAME CLAUDE.
[_Grimly._] I'm pleased that your ladyship should think so.
FOULDES.
How d'you do.
LADY FREDERICK.
Now, this gown. Look, look, look. In this skirt there's genius, _mon
cher_. In the way it hangs my whole character is expressed. Observe the
fullness of it, that indicates those admirable virtues which make me an
ornament to Society, while the frill at the bottom just suggests those
foibles--you can hardly call them faults--which add a certain grace and
interest to my personality. And the flounce. Paradine, I beseech you to
look at it carefully. I would sooner have designed this flounce than won
the Battle of Waterloo.
MADAME CLAUDE.
Your ladyship is very kind.
LADY FREDERICK.
Not at all, not at all. You remember that rose chiffon. I wore it the
other day, and the dear Archduchess came up to me and said: "My dear, my
dear." I thought she was going to have a fit. But when she recovered she
kissed me on both cheeks and said: "Lady Frederick, you have a
dressmaker worth her weight in gold." You heard her, Paradine, didn't
you?
FOULDES.
You forget that I only arrived last night.
LADY FREDERICK.
Of course. How stupid of me. She'll be perfectly delighted to hear that
you're in Monte Carlo. But I shall have to break it to her gently.
MADAME CLAUDE.
[_Unmoved._] I'm sorry to intrude upon your ladyship.
LADY FREDERICK.
Now what are you talking about? If you hadn't come to see me I should
never have forgiven you.
MADAME CLAUDE.
I wanted to have a little talk with your ladyship.
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh, but I hope we shall have many little talks. Have you brought your
motor down?
MADAME CLAUDE.
Yes.
LADY FREDERICK.
That's charming. You shall take me for a drive in it every day. I hope
you're going to stay some time.
MADAME CLAUDE.
That depends on circumstances, Lady Frederick. I 'ave a little business
to do here.
LADY FREDERICK.
Then let me give you one warning--don't gamble.
MADAME CLAUDE.
Oh, no, my lady. I gamble quite enough in my business as it is. I never
know when my customers will pay their bills--if ever.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Slightly taken aback._] Ha, ha, ha.
FOULDES.
[_With a deep guffaw._] Ho, ho, ho.
LADY FREDERICK.
Isn't she clever? I must tell that to the Archduchess. She'll be so
amused. Ha, ha, ha, ha. The dear Archduchess, you know she loves a
little joke. You must really meet her. Will you come and lunch? I know
you'd hit it off together.
MADAME CLAUDE.
[_More genially._] That's very kind of your ladyship.
LADY FREDERICK.
My dear, you know perfectly well that I've always looked upon you as one
of my best friends. Now who shall we have? There's you and me and the
Archduchess. Then I'll ask Lord Mereston.
MADAME CLAUDE.
The Marquess of Mereston, Lady Frederick?
LADY FREDERICK.
Yes. And Mr. Fouldes, his uncle.
MADAME CLAUDE.
Excuse me, are you the Mr. Paradine Fouldes?
FOULDES.
[_Bowing._] At your service, madam.
MADAME CLAUDE.
I'm so glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. Fouldes. [_Unctuously._] I've
always heard you're such a bad man.
FOULDES.
Madam, you overwhelm me with confusion.
MADAME CLAUDE.
Believe me, Mr. Fouldes, it's not the ladies that are married to saints
who take the trouble to dress well.
LADY FREDERICK.
Now we want a third man. Shall we ask my brother--you know Sir Gerald
O'Mara, don't you? Or shall we ask Prince Doniani? Yes, I think we'll
ask the Prince. I'm sure you'd like him. Such a handsome man! That'll
make six.
MADAME CLAUDE.
It's very kind of you, Lady Frederick, but--well, I'm only a
tradeswoman, you know.
LADY FREDERICK.
A tradeswoman? How can you talk such nonsense. You are an artist--a real
artist, my dear. And an artist is fit to meet a king.
MADAME CLAUDE.
Well, I don't deny that I'd be ashamed to dress my customers in the
gowns I see painted at the Royal Academy.
LADY FREDERICK.
Then it's quite settled, isn't it, Madame Claude--oh, may I call you
Ada?
MADAME CLAUDE.
Oh, Lady Frederick, I should be very much flattered. But how did you
know that was my name?
LADY FREDERICK.
Why you wrote me a letter only the other day.
MADAME CLAUDE.
Did I?
LADY FREDERICK.
And such a cross letter too.
MADAME CLAUDE.
[_Apologetically._] Oh, but Lady Frederick, that was only in the way of
business. I don't exactly remember what expressions I may have made use
of----
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Interrupting, as if the truth had suddenly flashed across her._] Ada!
I do believe you came here to-day about my account.
MADAME CLAUDE.
Oh, no, my lady, I promise you.
LADY FREDERICK.
You did; I know you did. I see it in your face. Now that really wasn't
nice of you. I thought you came as a friend.
MADAME CLAUDE.
I did, Lady Frederick.
LADY FREDERICK.
No, you wanted to dun me. I'm disappointed in you. I did think, after
all the things I've had from you, you wouldn't treat me like that.
MADAME CLAUDE.
But I assure your ladyship....
LADY FREDERICK.
Not another word. You came to ask for a cheque. You shall have it.
MADAME CLAUDE.
No, Lady Frederick, I wouldn't take it.
LADY FREDERICK.
What is the exact figure, Madame Claude?
MADAME CLAUDE.
I--I don't remember.
LADY FREDERICK.
Seven hundred and fifty pounds, seventeen and ninepence. You see, I
remember. You came for your cheque and you shall have it.
[_She sits down and takes a pen._
MADAME CLAUDE.
Now, Lady Frederick, I should look upon that as most unkind. It's
treating me like a very second-rate establishment.
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm sorry, but you should have thought of that before. Now I haven't got
a cheque; how tiresome.
MADAME CLAUDE.
Oh, it doesn't matter, Lady Frederick. I promise you it never entered my
'ead.
LADY FREDERICK.
What shall I do?
FOULDES.
You can write it on a sheet of paper, you know.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_With a look, aside to him._] Monster! [_Aloud._] Of course I can. I
hadn't thought of that. [_She takes a sheet of paper._] But how on earth
am I to get a stamp?
FOULDES.
[_Much amused._] I happen to have one on me.
LADY FREDERICK.
I wonder why on earth you should have English stamps in Monte Carlo?
FOULDES.
[_Handing her one._] A penny stamp may sometimes save one a hundred
louis.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Ironically._] Thanks so much. I write the name of my bank on the top,
don't I? Pay Madame Claude....
MADAME CLAUDE.
Now, it's no good, Lady Frederick, I won't take it. After all I 'ave my
self-respect to think of.
LADY FREDERICK.
It's too late now.
MADAME CLAUDE.
[_Sniffing a little._] No, no, Lady Frederick. Don't be too 'ard on me.
As one lady to another I ask you to forgive me. I did come about my
account, but--well, I don't want the money.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Looking up good-humouredly._] Well, well. [_She looks at the cheque._]
It shall be as you wish. There. [_She tears it up._]
MADAME CLAUDE.
Oh, thank you, Lady Frederick. I look upon that as a real favour. And
now I really must be getting off.
LADY FREDERICK.
Must you go? Well, good-bye. Paradine, take Madame Claude to her motor.
Ada!
[_She kisses her on the cheek._
MADAME CLAUDE.
[_Going._] I am pleased to have seen you.
[PARADINE _offers his arm and goes out with_
MADAME CLAUDE. LADY FREDERICK _goes
to the window, stands on a chair and waves
her handkerchief. While she is doing this_
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE _enters_.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
How d'you do?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Getting down._] How nice of you to come. I wanted to see you.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
May I sit down?
LADY FREDERICK.
Of course. There are one or two things I'd like to talk to you about.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Yes?
LADY FREDERICK.
First I must thank you for your great kindness to Gerald. I didn't know
last night that he owed you a good deal of money.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
It's a mere trifle.
LADY FREDERICK.
You must be very rich to call nine hundred pounds that?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I am.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_With a laugh._] All the same it's extremely good of you to give him
plenty of time.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I told Gerald he could have till to-morrow.
LADY FREDERICK.
Obviously he wants to settle with you as soon as ever he can.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
[_Quietly._] I often wonder why gambling debts are known as debts of
honour.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Looking at him steadily._] Of course I realise that if you choose to
press for the money and Gerald can't pay--he'll have to send in his
papers.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
[_Lightly._] You may be quite sure I have no wish to bring about such a
calamity. By the way, have you thought over our little talk of last
night?
LADY FREDERICK.
No.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
You would have been wise to do so.
LADY FREDERICK.
My dear Captain Montgomerie, you really can't expect me to marry you
because my brother has been so foolish as to lose more money at poker
than he can afford.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Did you ever hear that my father was a money-lender?
LADY FREDERICK.
A lucrative profession, I believe.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
He found it so. He was a Polish Jew called Aaron Levitzki. He came to
this country with three shillings in his pocket. He lent half-a-crown of
it to a friend on the condition that he should be paid back seven and
six in three days.
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm not good at figures, but the interest sounds rather high.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
It is. That was one of my father's specialities. From these humble
beginnings his business grew to such proportions that at his death he
was able to leave me the name and arms of the great family of
Montgomerie and something over a million of money.
LADY FREDERICK.
The result of thrift, industry, and good fortune.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
My father was able to gratify all his ambitions but one. He was eaten up
with the desire to move in good society, and this he was never able to
achieve. His dying wish was that I should live in those circles which he
knew only....
LADY FREDERICK.
Across the counter?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Precisely. But my poor father was a little ignorant in these matters. To
him one lord was as good as another. He thought a Marquess a finer man
than an Earl, and a Viscount than a Baron. He would never have
understood that a penniless Irish baronet might go into better society
than many a belted earl.
LADY FREDERICK.
And what is the application of this?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I wanted to explain to you one of the reasons which emboldened me last
night to make you a proposal of marriage.
LADY FREDERICK.
But surely you know some very nice people. I saw you lunching the other
day with the widow of a city knight.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Many very excellent persons are glad to have me to dine with them. But I
know quite well that they're not the real article. I'm as far off as
ever from getting into those houses which you have been used to all your
life. I'm not content with third-rate earls and rather seedy dowagers.
LADY FREDERICK.
Forgive my frankness, but--aren't you rather a snob?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
My father, Aaron Levitzki, married an English woman, and I have all the
English virtues.
LADY FREDERICK.
But I'm not quite sure that people would swallow you even as my
husband.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
They'd make a face, but they'd swallow me right enough. And when I asked
them down to the best shoot in England they'd come to the conclusion
that I agreed with them very well.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Still rather amused._] Your offer is eminently businesslike, but you
see I'm not a business woman. It doesn't appeal to me.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I only ask you to perform such of the duties of a wife as are required
by Society. They are few enough in all conscience. I should wish you to
entertain largely and receive my guests, be polite to me, at least in
public, and go with me to the various places people go to. Otherwise I
leave you entire freedom. You will find me generous and heedful to all
your wishes.
LADY FREDERICK.
Captain Montgomerie, I don't know how much of all that you have said is
meant seriously. But, surely you're not choosing the right time to make
such a proposal when my brother owes you so much money that if you care
to be hard you can ruin him.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Why not?
LADY FREDERICK.
D'you mean to say ...?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I will be quite frank with you. I should never have allowed Gerald to
lose so much money which there was no likelihood of his being able to
pay, if I had not thought it earned me some claim upon your gratitude.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Shortly._] Gerald will pay every penny he owes you to-morrow.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
[_Blandly._] Where d'you suppose he'll get it?
LADY FREDERICK.
I have no doubt I shall be able to manage something.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Have you not tried this morning, entirely without success?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Startled._] What?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
You do not forget that you have sundry moneys of your own which are
payable to-morrow?
LADY FREDERICK.
How d'you know that?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I told you that when I took a thing in hand I carried it through. You
went to Dick Cohen, and he told you he'd parted with the bills. Didn't
you guess that only one man could have the least interest in taking them
over?
LADY FREDERICK.
You?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Yes.
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh, God.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
Come, come, don't be worried over it. There's nothing to be alarmed
about. I'm a very decent chap--if you'd accepted me right away you would
never have known that those bills were in my possession. Think it over
once more. I'm sure we should get on well together. I can give you what
you most need, money and the liberty to fling it away as recklessly as
you choose; you can give me the assured and fixed position on which--my
father's heart was set.
LADY FREDERICK.
And if I don't accept, you'll make me a bankrupt and you'll ruin Gerald?
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
I refuse to consider that very unpleasant alternative.
LADY FREDERICK.
Oh! I can't, I can't.
CAPTAIN MONTGOMERIE.
[_Laughing._] But you must, you must. When shall I come for your answer?
To-morrow? I'll come with the bills and Gerald's I.O.U. in my pocket,
and you shall burn them yourself. Good-bye.
[_He kisses her hand and goes out._ LADY
FREDERICK _remains staring in front of
her_. MERESTON _enters, followed by_ LADY
MERESTON _and_ PARADINE.
MERESTON.
[_Going to her eagerly._] Hulloa! I wondered what on earth had become of
you.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_With a laugh._] It's only two hours since I chased you away from me.
MERESTON.
I'm afraid I bore you to death.
LADY FREDERICK.
Don't be so silly. You know you don't.
MERESTON.
Where are you going now?
LADY FREDERICK.
I have rather a headache. I'm going to lie down.
MERESTON.
I'm so sorry.
[LADY FREDERICK _goes out_. MERESTON _stares
after her anxiously, and makes a step
towards the door_.
LADY MERESTON.
[_Sharply._] Where are you going, Charlie?
MERESTON.
I never asked Lady Frederick if I could do anything.
LADY MERESTON.
Good heavens, there are surely plenty of servants in the hotel to get
her anything she wants.
MERESTON.
Don't you think a drive in the motor would do her good?
LADY MERESTON.
[_Unable to control herself._] Oh, I have no patience with you. I never
saw such a ridiculous infatuation in my life.
PARADINE.
Steady, old girl, steady.
MERESTON.
What on earth d'you mean, mother?
LADY MERESTON.
Presumably you're not going to deny that you're in love with that woman.
MERESTON.
[_Growing pale._] Would you mind speaking of her as Lady Frederick?
LADY MERESTON.
You try me very much, Charlie. Please answer my question.
MERESTON.
I don't want to seem unkind to you, mother, but I think you have no
right to ask about my private affairs.
FOULDES.
If you're going to talk this matter over you're more likely to come to
an understanding if you both keep your tempers.
MERESTON.
There's nothing I wish to discuss.
LADY MERESTON.
Don't be absurd, Charlie. You're with Lady Frederick morning, noon and
night. She can never stir a yard from the hotel but you go flying after.
You pester her with your ridiculous attentions.
FOULDES.
[_Blandly._] One's relations have always such an engaging frankness.
Like a bad looking-glass, they always represent you with a crooked nose
and a cast in your eye.
LADY MERESTON.
[_To_ MERESTON.] I have certainly a right to know what you mean by all
this and what is going to come of it.
MERESTON.
I don't know what will come of it.
FOULDES.
The question that excites our curiosity is this: are you going to ask
Lady Frederick to marry you?
MERESTON.
I refuse to answer that. It seems to me excessively impertinent.
FOULDES.
Come, come, my boy, you're too young to play the heavy father. We're
both your friends. Hadn't you better make a clean breast of it? After
all, your mother and I are interested in nothing so much as your
welfare.
LADY MERESTON.
[_Imploring._] Charlie!
MERESTON.
Of course I'd ask her to marry me if I thought for a moment that she'd
accept. But I'm so terrified that she'll refuse, and then perhaps I
shall never see her again.
LADY MERESTON.
The boy's stark, staring mad.
MERESTON.
I don't know what I should do if she sent me about my business. I'd
rather continue in this awful uncertainty than lose all hope for ever.
FOULDES.
By George. You're pretty far gone, my son. The lover who's diffident is
in a much worse way than the lover who protests.
LADY MERESTON.
[_With a little laugh._] I must say it amuses me that Lady Frederick
should have had both my brother and my son dangling at her skirts. Your
respective passions are separated by quite a number of years.
MERESTON.
Lady Frederick has already told me of that incident.
FOULDES.
With the usual indiscretion of her sex.
MERESTON.
It appears that she was very unhappy and you, with questionable taste,
made love to her.
FOULDES.
Do your best not to preach at me, dear boy. It reminds me of your
lamented father.
MERESTON.
And at last she promised to go away with you. You were to meet at
Waterloo Station.
FOULDES.
Such a draughty place for an assignation.
MERESTON.
Your train was to start at nine, and you were going to take the boat
over to the Channel Isles.
FOULDES.
Lady Frederick has a very remarkable memory. I remember hoping the sea
wouldn't be rough.
MERESTON.
And just as the train was starting her eye fell on the clock. At that
moment her child was coming down to breakfast and would ask for her.
Before you could stop her she'd jumped out of the carriage. The train
was moving, and you couldn't get out, so you were taken on to
Weymouth--alone.
LADY MERESTON.
You must have felt a quite egregious ass, Paradine.
FOULDES.
I did, but you need not rub it in.
LADY MERESTON.
Doesn't it occur to you, Charlie, that a woman who loves so easily can't
be very worthy of your affection?
MERESTON.
But, my dear mother, d'you think she cared for my uncle?
FOULDES.
What the dickens d'you mean?
MERESTON.
D'you suppose if she loved you she would have hesitated to come? D'you
know her so little as that? She thought of her child only because she
was quite indifferent to you.
FOULDES.
[_Crossly._] You know nothing about it, and you're an impertinent young
jackanapes.
LADY MERESTON.
My dear Paradine, what can it matter if Lady Frederick was in love with
you or not?
FOULDES.
[_Calming down._] Of course it doesn't matter a bit.
LADY MERESTON.
I have no doubt you mistook wounded vanity for a broken heart.
FOULDES.
[_Acidly._] My dear, you sometimes say things which explain to me why my
brother-in-law so frequently abandoned his own fireside for the platform
of Exeter Hall.
MERESTON.
It may also interest you to learn that I am perfectly aware of Lady
Frederick's financial difficulties. I know she has two bills falling due
to-morrow.
FOULDES.
She's a very clever woman.
MERESTON.
I've implored her to let me lend her the money, and she absolutely
refuses. You see, she's kept nothing from me at all.
LADY MERESTON.
My dear Charlie, it's a very old dodge to confess what doesn't matter in
order to conceal what does.
MERESTON.
What do you mean, mother?
LADY MERESTON.
Lady Frederick has told you nothing of the Bellingham affair?
MERESTON.
Why should she?
LADY MERESTON.
It is surely expedient you should know that the woman you have some idea
of marrying escaped the divorce court only by the skin of her teeth.
MERESTON.
I don't believe that, mother.
FOULDES.
Remember that you're talking to your respected parent, my boy.
MERESTON.
I'm sorry that my mother should utter base and contemptible libels
on--my greatest friend.
LADY MERESTON.
You may be quite sure that I say nothing which I can't prove.
MERESTON.
I won't listen to anything against Lady Frederick.
LADY MERESTON.
But you must.
MERESTON.
Are you quite indifferent to the great pain you cause me?
LADY MERESTON.
I can't allow you to marry a woman who's hopelessly immoral.
MERESTON.
Mother, how dare you say that?
FOULDES.
This isn't the sort of thing I much like, but hadn't you better hear the
worst at once?
MERESTON.
Very well. But if my mother insists on saying things, she must say them
in Lady Frederick's presence.
LADY MERESTON.
That I'm quite willing to do.
MERESTON.
Good.
[_He rings the bell. A servant enters._
FOULDES.
You'd better take care, Maudie. Lady Frederick's a dangerous woman to
play the fool with.
MERESTON.
[_To the servant._] Go to Lady Frederick Berolles and say Lord Mereston
is extremely sorry to trouble her ladyship, but would be very much
obliged if she'd come to the drawing-room for two minutes.
SERVANT.
Very well, my lord.
[_Exit._
FOULDES.
What are you going to do, Maud?
LADY MERESTON.
I knew there was a letter in existence in Lady Frederick's handwriting
which proved all I've said about her. I've moved heaven and earth to get
hold of it, and it came this morning.
FOULDES.
Don't be such a fool. You're not going to use that?
LADY MERESTON.
I am indeed.
FOULDES.
Your blood be upon your own head. Unless I'm vastly mistaken you'll
suffer the greatest humiliation that you can imagine.
LADY MERESTON.
That's absurd. I have nothing to fear.
LADY FREDERICK. _comes in._
MERESTON.
I'm so sorry to disturb you. I hope you don't mind?
LADY FREDERICK.
Not at all. I knew you wouldn't have sent for me in that fashion without
good cause.
MERESTON.
I'm afraid you'll think me dreadfully impertinent.
LADY MERESTON.
Really you need not apologise so much, Charlie.
MERESTON.
My mother has something to say against you, and I think it right that
she should say it in your presence.
LADY FREDERICK.
That's very nice of you, Charlie--though I confess I prefer people to
say horrid things of me only behind my back. Especially if they're true.
FOULDES.
Look here, I think all this is rather nonsense. We've most of us got
something in our past history that we don't want raked up, and we'd all
better let bygones be bygones.
LADY FREDERICK.
I'm waiting, Lady Mereston.
LADY MERESTON.
It's merely that I thought my son should know that Lady Frederick had
been the mistress of Roger Bellingham. [LADY FREDERICK _turns quickly
and looks at her_; _then bursts into a peal of laughter_. LADY MERESTON
_springs up angrily and hands her a letter_.] Is this in your
handwriting?
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Not at all disconcerted._] Dear me, how did you get hold of this?
LADY MERESTON.
You see that I have ample proof, Lady Frederick.
LADY FREDERICK.
[_Handing the letter to_ MERESTON.] Would you like to read it? You know
my writing well enough to be able to answer Lady Mereston's question.
[_He reads it through and looks at her in dismay._
MERESTON.
Good God!... What does it mean?
LADY FREDERICK.
Pray read it aloud.
MERESTON.
I can't.
LADY FREDERICK.
Then give it to me. [_She takes it from him._] It's addressed to my
brother-in-law, Peter Berolles. The Kate to whom it refers was his wife.
[_Reads._] Dear Peter: I'm sorry you should have had a row with Kate
about Roger Bellingham. You are quite wrong in all you thought. There is
absolutely nothing between them. I don't know where Kate was on Tuesday
night, but certainly she was not within a hundred miles of Roger. This I
know because....
MERESTON.
[_Interrupting._] For God's sake don't go on.
[LADY FREDERICK _looks at him and shrugs her
shoulders_.
LADY FREDERICK.
It's signed Elizabeth Berolles. And there's a postscript: You may make
what use of this letter you like.
MERESTON.
What does it mean? What does it mean?
LADY MERESTON.
Surely it's very clear? You can't want a more explicit confession of
guilt.
LADY FREDERICK.
I tried to make it as explicit as possible.
LADY MERESTON.
Won't you say something? I'm sure there must be some explanation.
LADY FREDERICK.
I don't know how you got hold of this letter, Lady Mereston. I agree
with you, it is compromising. But Kate and Peter are dead now, and
there's nothing to prevent me from telling the truth.
[PARADINE FOULDES _takes a step forward and
watches her_.
LADY FREDERICK.
My sister-in-law was a meek and mild little person, as demure as you can
imagine, and no one would have suspected her for a moment of kicking
over the traces. Well, one morning she came to me in floods of tears and
confessed that she and Roger Bellingham [_with a shrug_] had been
foolish. Her husband suspected that something was wrong and had kicked
up a row.
FOULDES.
[_Drily._] There are men who will make a scene on the smallest
provocation.
LADY FREDERICK.
To shield herself she told the first lie that came into her head. She
said to Peter that Roger Bellingham was my lover--and she threw herself
on my mercy. She was a poor, weak little creature, and if there'd been a
scandal she'd have gone to the dogs altogether. It had only been a
momentary infatuation for Roger, and the scare had cured her. At the
bottom of her heart she loved her husband still. I was desperately
unhappy, and I didn't care much what became of me. She promised to turn
over a new leaf and all that sort of thing. I thought I'd better give
her another chance of going straight. I did what she wanted. I wrote
that letter taking all the blame on myself, and Kate lived happily with
her husband till she died.
MERESTON.
It was just like you.
LADY MERESTON.
But Lord and Lady Peter are dead?
LADY FREDERICK.
Yes.
LADY MERESTON.
And Roger Bellingham?
LADY FREDERICK.
He's dead too.
LADY MERESTON.
Then how can you prove your account of this affair?
LADY FREDERICK.
I can't.
LADY MERESTON.
And does this convince you, Charlie?
MERESTON.
Of course.