NEW TRACES OF THE FATE OF GEOFFREY LESTER.--WALTER AND THE
CORPORAL PROCEED ON A FRESH EXPEDITION.--THE CORPORAL IS
ESPECIALLY SAGACIOUS ON THE OLD TOPIC OF THE WORLD.--HIS
OPINIONS ON THE MEN WHO CLAIM 'KNOWLEDGE THEREOF.--ON THE
ADVANTAGES ENJOYED BY A VALET.--ON THE SCIENCE OF SUCCESSFUL
LOVE.--ON VIRTUE AND THE CONSTITUTION.--ON QUALITIES TO BE
DESIRED IN A MISTRESS,--A LANDSCAPE.
This way of talking of his very much enlivens the
conversation among us of a more sedate turn.
--Spectator, No. 3.
Walter found, while he made search himself, that it was no easy matter,
in so large a county as Yorkshire, to obtain even the preliminary
particulars, viz. the place of residence, and the name of the Colonel
from India whose dying gift his father had left the house of the worthy
Courtland, to claim and receive. But the moment he committed the inquiry
to the care of an active and intelligent lawyer, the case seemed to
brighten up prodigiously; and Walter was shortly informed that a Colonel
Elmore, who had been in India, had died in the year 17--; that by a
reference to his will it appeared that he had left to Daniel Clarke the
sum of a thousand pounds, and the house in which he resided before his
death, the latter being merely leasehold at a high rent, was specified in
the will to be of small value: it was situated in the outskirts of
Knaresborough. It was also discovered that a Mr. Jonas Elmore, the only
surviving executor of the will, and a distant relation of the deceased
Colonel's, lived about fifty miles from York, and could, in all
probability, better than any one, afford Walter those farther particulars
of which he was so desirous to be informed. Walter immediately proposed
to his lawyer to accompany him to this gentleman's house; but it so
happened that the lawyer could not, for three or four days, leave his
business at York, and Walter, exceedingly impatient to proceed on the
intelligence thus granted him, and disliking the meagre information
obtained from letters, when a personal interview could be obtained,
resolved himself to repair to Mr. Jonas Elmore's without farther delay;
and behold, therefore, our worthy Corporal and his master again mounted,
and commencing a new journey.
The Corporal, always fond of adventure, was in high spirits.
"See, Sir," said he to his master, patting with great affection the neck
of his steed, "See, Sir, how brisk the creturs are; what a deal of good
their long rest at York city's done'em. Ah, your honour, what a fine town
that ere be!--yet," added the Corporal, with an air of great superiority,
"it gives you no notion of Lunnun, like--on the faith of a man, no!"
"Well, Bunting, perhaps we may be in London within a month hence."
"And afore we gets there, your honour,--no offence,--but should like to
give you some advice; 'tis ticklish place, that Lunnun, and though you be
by no manner of means deficient in genus, yet, Sir, you be young, and I
be--" "Old,--true, Bunting," added Walter very gravely.
"Augh--bother! old, Sir, old, Sir!--A man in the prime of life,--hair
coal black, (bating a few grey ones that have had, since twenty--care,
and military service, Sir,)--carriage straight,--teeth strong,--not an
ail in the world, bating the rheumatics--is not old, Sir,--not by no
manner of means,--baugh!"
"You are very right, Bunting; when I said old, I meant experienced. I
assure you I shall be very grateful for your advice; and suppose, while
we walk our horses up this hill, you begin lecture the first. London's a
fruitful subject. All you can say on it won't be soon exhausted."
"Ah, may well say that," replied the Corporal, exceedingly flattered with
the permission he had obtained, "and any thing my poor wit can suggest,
quite at your honour's sarvice--ehem!--hem! You must know by Lunnun, I
means the world, and by the world means Lunnun,--know one--know t'other.
But 'tis not them as affects to be most knowing as be so at bottom.
Begging your honour's pardon, I thinks gentlefolks what lives only with
gentlefolks, and call themselves men of the world, be often no wiser nor
Pagan creturs, and live in a gentile darkness."
"The true knowledge of the world," said Walter, "is only then for the
Corporals of the Forty-second,--eh, Bunting?"
"As to that, Sir," quoth the Corporal, "'tis not being of this calling or
of that calling that helps one on; 'tis an inborn sort of genus the
talent of obsarving, and growing wise by obsarving. One picks up crumb
here, crumb there: but if one has not good digestion, Lord, what
sinnifies a feast?--Healthy man thrives on a 'tatoe, sickly looks pale on
a haunch. You sees, your honour, as I said afore, I was own sarvant to
Colonel Dysart; he was a Lord's nephy, a very gay gentleman, and great
hand with the ladies,--not a man more in the world;--so I had the
opportunity of larning what's what among the best set; at his honour's
expense, too,--augh! To my mind, Sir, there is not a place from which a
man has a better view of things than the bit carpet behind a gentleman's
chair. The gentleman eats, and talks, and swears, and jests, and plays
cards and makes love, and tries to cheat, and is cheated, and his man
stands behind with his eyes and ears open,--augh!"
"One should go to service to learn diplomacy, I see," said Walter,
greatly amused.
"Does not know what 'plomacy be, Sir, but knows it would be better for
many a young master nor all the Colleges;--would not be so many bubbles
if my Lord could take a turn now and then with John. A-well, Sir!--how I
used to laugh in my sleeve like, when I saw my master, who was thought
the knowingest gentleman about Court, taken in every day smack afore my
face. There was one lady whom he had tried hard, as he thought, to get
away from her husband; and he used to be so mighty pleased at every
glance from her brown eyes--and be d--d to them!--and so careful the
husband should not see--so pluming himself on his discretion here, and
his conquest there,--when, Lord bless you, it was all settled 'twixt man
and wife aforehand! And while the Colonel laughed at the cuckold, the
cuckold laughed at the dupe. For you sees, Sir, as how the Colonel was a
rich man, and the jewels as he bought for the lady went half into the
husband's pocket--he! he!--That's the way of the world, Sir,--that's the
way of the world!"
"Upon my word, you draw a very bad picture of the world: you colour
highly; and, by the way, I observe that whenever you find any man
committing a roguish action, instead of calling him a scoundrel, you show
those great teeth of yours, and chuckle out 'A man of the world! a man of
the world!"'
"To be sure, your honour; the proper name, too. 'Tis your green-horns who
fly into a passion, and use hard words. You see, Sir, there's one thing
we larn afore all other things in the world--to butter bread. Knowledge
of others, means only the knowledge which side bread's buttered. In
short, Sir, the wiser grow, the more take care of oursels. Some persons
make a mistake, and, in trying to take care of themsels, run neck into
halter--baugh! they are not rascals--they are would-be men of the world.
Others be more prudent, (for, as I said afore, Sir, discretion is a pair
of stirrups;) they be the true men of the world."
"I should have thought," said Walter, "that the knowledge of the world
might be that knowledge which preserves us from being cheated, but not
that which enables us to cheat."
"Augh!" quoth the Corporal, with that sort of smile with which you see an
old philosopher put down a sounding error from the lips of a young
disciple who flatters himself he has uttered something prodigiously
fine,--"Augh! and did not I tell you, t'other day, to look at the
professions, your honour? What would a laryer be if he did not know how
to cheat a witness and humbug a jury?--knows he is lying,--why is he
lying? for love of his fees, or his fame like, which gets fees;--Augh! is
not that cheating others?--The doctor, too, Master Fillgrave, for
instance?--" "Say no more of doctors; I abandon them to your satire,
without a word."
"The lying knaves! Don't they say one's well when one's ill--ill when
one's well?--profess to know what don't know?--thrust solemn phizzes into
every abomination, as if larning lay hid in a--? and all for their
neighbours' money, or their own reputation, which makes money--augh! In
short, Sir--look where will, impossible to see so much cheating allowed,
praised, encouraged, and feel very angry with a cheat who has only made a
mistake. But when I sees a man butter his bread carefully--knife steady--
butter thick, and hungry fellows looking on and licking chops--mothers
stopping their brats--'See, child--respectable man--how thick his
bread's buttered!--pull off your hat to him:'--When I sees that, my heart
warms: there's the true man of the world--augh!"
"Well, Bunting," said Walter, laughing, "though you are thus lenient to
those unfortunate gentlemen whom others call rogues, and thus laudatory
of gentlemen who are at best discreetly selfish, I suppose you admit the
possibility of virtue, and your heart warms as much when you see a man of
worth as when you see a man of the world?"
"Why, you knows, your honour," answered the Corporal, "so far as vartue's
concerned, there's a deal in constitution; but as for knowledge of the
world, one gets it oneself!"
"I don't wonder, Bunting--as your opinion of women is much the same as
your opinion of men--that you are still unmarried."
"Augh! but your honour mistakes!--I am no mice-and-trope. Men are neither
one thing nor t'other--neither good nor bad. A prudent parson has nothing
to fear from 'em--nor a foolish one any thing to gain--baugh! As to the
women creturs, your honour, as I said, vartue's a deal in the
constitution. Would not ask what a lassie's mind be--nor what her
eddycation;--but see what her habits be, that's all--habits and
constitution all one--play into one another's hands."
"And what sort of signs, Bunting, would you mostly esteem in a lady?"
"First place, Sir--woman I'd marry, must not mope when alone!--must be
able to 'muse herself; must be easily 'mused. That's a great sign, Sir,
of an innocent mind, to be tickled with straws. Besides, employments
keeps 'em out of harm's way. Second place, should obsarve, if she was
very fond of places, your honour--sorry to move--that's a sure sign she
won't tire easily; but that if she like you now from fancy, she'll like
you by and by from custom. Thirdly, your honour, she should not be avarse
to dress--a leaning that way shows she has a desire to please: people who
don't care about pleasing, always sullen. Fourthly, she must bear to be
crossed--I'd be quite sure that she might be contradicted, without
mumping or storming;--'cause then, you knows, your honour, if she wanted
any thing expensive--need not give it--augh! Fifthly, must not be over
religious, your honour; they pyehouse she-creturs always thinks themsels
so much better nor we men;--don't understand our language and ways, your
honour: they wants us not only to belave, but to tremble--bother!"
"I like your description well enough, on the whole," said Walter, "and
when I look out for a wife, I shall come to you for advice."
"Your honour may have it already--Miss Ellinor's jist the thing."
Walter turned away his head, and told Bunting, with great show of
indignation, not to be a fool.
The Corporal, who was not quite certain of his ground here, but who knew
that Madeline, at all events, was going to be married to Aram, and deemed
it, therefore, quite useless to waste any praise upon her, thought that a
few random shots of eulogium were worth throwing away on a chance, and
consequently continued.
"Augh, your honour--'tis not 'cause I have eyes, that I be's a fool. Miss
Ellinor and your honour be only cousins, to be sure; but more like
brother and sister, nor any thing else. Howsomever, she's a rare cretur,
whoever gets her. has a face that puts one in good-humour with the world,
if one sees it first thing in the morning--'tis as good as the sun in
July--augh! But, as I was saying, your honour--'bout the women-creturs in
general--" "Enough of them, Bunting; let us suppose you have been so
fortunate as to find one to suit you--how would you woo her? Of course,
there are certain secrets of courtship, which you will not hesitate to
impart to one, who, like me, wants such assistance from art--much more
than you can do, who are so bountifully favoured by Nature."
"As to Nature," replied the Corporal, with considerable modesty, for he
never disputed the truth of the compliment--"'tis not 'cause a man be six
feet without's shoes, that he's any nearer to lady's heart. Sir, I will
own to you, howsomever it makes 'gainst your honour and myself, for that
matter--that don't think one is a bit more lucky with the ladies for
being so handsome! 'Tis all very well with them ere willing ones, your
honour--caught at a glance; but as for the better sort, one's beauty's
all bother! Why, Sir, when we see some of the most fortunatest men among
she-creturs--what poor little minnikens they be! One's a dwarf--another
knock-kneed--a third squints--and a fourth might be shown for a hape!
Neither, Sir, is it your soft, insinivating, die-away youths, as seem at
first so seductive; they do very well for lovers, your honour; but then
it's always rejected ones! Neither, your honour, does the art of
succeeding with the ladies 'quire all those finniken, nimini-pinimi's,
flourishes, and maxims, and saws, which the Colonel, my old master, and
the great gentlefolks, as be knowing, call the art of love--baugh! The
whole science, Sir, consists in these two rules--'Ask soon, and ask
often.'"
"There seems no great difficulty in them, Bunting."
"Not to us who has gumption, Sir; but then there is summut in the manner
of axing--one can't be too hot--can't flatter too much--and, above all,
one must never take a refusal. There, Sir, now--if you takes my advice--
may break the peace of all the husbands in Lunnun--bother--whaugh!"
"My uncle little knows what a praiseworthy tutor he has secured me in
you, Bunting," said Walter, laughing: "And now, while the road is so
good, let us make the most of it."
As they had set out late in the day, and the Corporal was fearful of
another attack from a hedge, he resolved, that about evening, one of the
horses should be seized with a sudden lameness, (which he effected by
slily inserting a stone between the shoe and the hoof,) that required
immediate attention and a night's rest; so that it was not till the early
noon of the next day that our travellers entered the village in which Mr.
Jonas Elmore resided.
It was a soft, tranquil day, though one of the very last in October; for
the reader will remember that Time had not stood still during Walter's
submission to the care of Mr. Pertinax Fillgrave, and his subsequent
journey and researches.
The sun-light rested on a broad patch of green heath, covered with furze,
and around it were scattered the cottages and farm-houses of the little
village. On the other side, as Walter descended the gentle hill that led
into this remote hamlet, wide and flat meadows, interspersed with several
fresh and shaded ponds, stretched away towards a belt of rich woodland
gorgeous with the melancholy pomp by which the "regal year" seeks to veil
its decay. Among these meadows you might now see groups of cattle quietly
grazing, or standing half hid in the still and sheltered pools. Still
farther, crossing to the woods, a solitary sportsman walked careless on,
surrounded by some half a dozen spaniels, and the shrill small tongue of
one younger straggler of the canine crew, who had broke indecorously from
the rest, and already entered the wood, might be just heard, softened
down by the distance, into a wild, cheery sound, that animated, without
disturbing, the serenity of the scene.
"After all," said Walter aloud, "the scholar was right--there is nothing
like the country!"
"'Oh, happiness of sweet retired content,
To be at once secure and innocent!'"
"Be them Verses in the Psalms, Sir?" said the Corporal, who was close
behind.
"No, Bunting; but they were written by one who, if I recollect right, set
the Psalms to verse:--[Denham.] I hope they meet with your approbation?"
"Indeed, Sir, and no--since they ben't in the Psalms, one has no right to
think about 'em at all."
"And why, Mr. Critic?"
"'Cause what's the use of security, if one's innocent, and does not mean
to take advantage of it--baugh! One does not lock the door for nothing,
your honour!"
"You shall enlarge on that honest doctrine of yours another time;
meanwhile, call that shepherd, and ask the way to Mr. Elmore's."
The Corporal obeyed, and found that a clump of trees, at the farther
corner of the waste land, was the grove that surrounded Mr. Elmore's
house; a short canter across the heath brought them to a white gate, and
having passed this, a comfortable brick mansion of moderate size stood
before them.