On turning out, and then turning over, a mass of old papers which had
lain packed up in a heavy mail-trunk for a period of more than forty
years, I came the other day upon a little bundle of documents in legal
German manuscript, the sight of which set me, old as I am, a laughing
involuntarily, and brought back in full force to my memory the
circumstances which I am about briefly to relate. A strange thing is
this memory, by the way, and strangely moved by trifles to the
exercise of its marvellous power. For more than thirty years--for the
average period that suffices to change the generation of man upon
earth--had this preposterous adventure, and everything connected with
it, lain dormant in some sealed-up cavity of my brain, when the bare
sight of the little bundle of small-sized German foolscap, with its
ragged edges and blotted official pages, has set the whole paltry
drama, with all its dignified performers, in motion before the retina
of my mind's eye with all the reality of the actual occurrence.
It was in the spring or early summer of the year 1806, that, in the
capacity of companion and interpreter to a young nobleman who was
making the tour of Germany, I was travelling on the high-road from
Magdeburg to Berlin. We rolled along in a stout English carriage drawn
by German post-horses, and having left Magdeburg after an early
breakfast, stopped at a small neat town, some eighteen or twenty miles
on our route--my patron intending to remain there for an hour or two,
in the hope of being rejoined by a friend who had promised to overtake
us. He ordered refreshment, and sat down and partook of it, while I,
not choosing to participate, seated myself in the recess of
an old-fashioned window, and kept my eyes fixed upon our
travelling-carriage, from which the wearied horses had been removed,
and which stood but a few paces from where I sat. At the end of an
hour, my patron having satisfied his appetite, declined to wait any
longer, and proposed that we should proceed on our journey. It was my
office to discharge all accounts, and of course to check any attempt
at peculation which might be made. I summoned the innkeeper, whose
just demand was soon paid, and ordered the horses to be put to. This
was done in a few minutes, and the stable-man, as we walked out to the
carriage, came forward and presented his little bill. As I ran it
hastily over before paying it, I saw that the rascal had charged for
services which he had not rendered. With the design of making the most
of a chance-customer, he had put down in his account a charge for
greasing the wheels of the carriage. Now, as I had never taken my eyes
from the carriage during the whole period of our stay, I could not be
deceived in the conviction that this was a fraud. True, it was the
merest trifle in the world; but the fellow who wanted to exact it was
the model of an ugly, impudent, and barefaced rogue, and therefore I
resolved not to pay him. Throwing him the money, minus the attempted
imposition, I told him to consider himself fortunate that he had got
that, which was more than such a rogue-_schurke_ was the word I
used--deserved.
'Do you call me a rogue?' said he.
'Certainly; a rogue is your right name,' I replied, and sprang into
the carriage.
'Ho! ho!' said he; 'that is against the law. Hans Felder,' he bawled
to the postilion, 'I charge you not to move; the horses may be led
back to the stable: the gracious gentleman has called me a rogue.
Stiefel, run for the police: the gracious gentleman says I am a rogue.
I will cite him before the council.'
It was in vain that I put my head out of the window, and bawled to the
postilion to proceed. He was evidently afraid to move. In a few
minutes a crowd began to collect around us, and in less than a quarter
of an hour half the inhabitants of the place had assembled in front of
the inn. The noise of a perfect Babel succeeded in an instant to the
dull silence of the quiet town. I soon gathered from the vehement
disputes that arose on all sides, that the populace were about equally
divided into two parties. The more reasonable portion were for
allowing us to proceed on our journey, and this would perhaps have
been permitted, had not my companion, on understanding what was the
matter, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, and repeated the
offensive word, accompanying it with a declaration in French, which
many of the bystanders understood, that he considered it generally
applicable. The landlord of the inn now came forth, and after a not
very energetic attempt to conciliate the ostler, who refused to forego
his determination to obtain legal redress, invited us to alight and
resume our quarters in the inn. This we were compelled to do, to
escape the annoyance of the crowd; and the carriage being housed under
a shed, the horses returned to the stable. We had not been three
minutes in the inn before the police appeared to take me into custody,
and march me off to durance vile. By this time I began to see that the
charge, and the dilemma into which it had led us, was no joke. I might
perhaps have bribed the scoundrel who preferred it, and have sent away
the police with a gratuity; but I felt as little disposed to do that
as to go to prison. I refused to leave the inn, protested against the
jurisdiction of their absurd laws over strangers, and at length, with
the assistance of my companion, and a good deal of threatening talk,
succeeded in ejecting the two police functionaries from the room. They
kept watch, however, at the door, and planted sentinels at the
windows, to prevent an ignominious flight that way.
In the meanwhile, the whole town was in commotion, and everybody was
hurrying towards the _rathhaus_, or town-hall, where it was plain
enough that preparations were making for putting me immediately upon
my trial. I saw the old _burgermeister_ go waddling by in his robe of
office, accompanied by a crowd of nondescript officials, with one of
whom my villainous-looking adversary was in close confabulation. In a
short space of time, a band of very scurvy-looking police, plainly
vamped up for the occasion, made its appearance; and one of the band
entering the room without ceremony, presented me with a summons,
couched in legal diction, citing me to appear instantly before the
commission then sitting, to answer an indictment preferred against me
by Karl Gurtler, Supernumerary Deputy Road Inspector of the district,
whose honourable character I had unjustly and wantonly assailed and
deteriorated by the application of the scandalous and defamatory term,
schurke. There was nothing for it but to obey the mandate; and
accordingly, requesting the bearer to convey my compliments to the
assembled council, and to say that I would have the honour of
attending them in a few minutes, I dismissed him, evidently soothed
with my courteous reception. I did this with a view of getting rid of
the _posse comitatus_, in whose company I did not much relish the idea
of being escorted as a prisoner. My politeness, however, had not the
anticipated effect, as, upon emerging from the inn, we found the whole
squad waiting at the door as a sort of body-guard, to make sure of our
attendance.
On arriving at the rathhaus, which was crammed to overflowing with all
the inhabitants of the place who could possibly wedge themselves into
it, way was cleared for us through the crowd to the seats which had
been considerately allotted for us, in front of the tribunal. A more
extraordinary bench of justice was perhaps never convened. It was
plain that the little village was steeped in poverty to the lips, and
that I, having been entrapped, through an unconscious expression, in
the meshes of some antiquated law, was doomed to administer in some
measure to their need by the payment of a penalty and costs. The fat
old fellow who presided as judge, and beneath whose robe of office an
unctuous leathery surtout was all too visible, peered in vain through
a pair of massive horn-spectacles into a huge timber-swathed volume in
search of the act, the provisions of which I had violated. At length,
the schoolmaster--a meagre, pensive-looking scarecrow, industriously
patched all over--came to his assistance, turned over the ponderous
code by which the little community were governed, and having rummaged
out the law, and the clause under the provisions of which I had been
so summarily arrested, handed it to the clerk, who I shrewdly
suspected to be nothing more or less than the village barber. He, at
the command of the judge, read it aloud for the information of all
present, and for my especial admonition. From the contents, it
appeared to have been decreed, how long ago I had no means of judging,
that, for the better sustentation of good morals and good-breeding,
and for the prevention of quarrelling, or unseemly and abusive
conversation, any person who should call or designate any other person
in the said town by the name of thief, villain, rascal, rogue
(schurke), cheat, charlatan, impostor, wretch, coward, sneak,
suborner, slanderer, tattler, and sundry other titles of ill-repute,
which I cannot recollect now, and could not render into English were I
to recall them, should, upon complaint of the person aggrieved, and
upon proof of the offence by the evidence of worthy and truth-speaking
witnesses, be amerced in such penalty, not exceeding a certain sum, as
in the estimation of the presiding magistrate should be held to be a
proper compensation for the injury to his reputation suffered by the
plaintiff. When the clerk drew breath at the end of the long-winded
clause, I inquired if the law in question made no counter-provision
for cases which might occur where, the abusive term being richly
deserved, it could be no crime to apply it. The schoolmaster, who,
despite his patched habiliments, was a clever fellow, at once answered
my question in the negative, and justified the omission of any such
provision by contraverting the position I had advanced upon moral
grounds. This he did in a speech of some length, and with remarkable
ingenuity and good sense; proving--to the satisfaction of his
fellow-townsmen at least--that to taunt a malefactor openly with his
misdeeds, was not the way to reform him, while it was a sure mode of
producing a contrary result; and winding up with an assurance, that
the law was a good law, and perfect in all its parts; and that if I
had suffered wrong, I might obtain at their hands redress as readily
and with as much facility as my antagonist.
I had nothing to reply to this, and the proceedings went on in due
form. Without being sworn, the plaintiff was called upon to state his
case, which he did with an elaborate circumlocution altogether without
a parallel in my experience. He detailed the whole history of his
life--from his birth, in Wolfenbüttel, up to his seven years' service
in the army; then followed his whole military career; and after that,
his service under the _weg_-inspector, which was rewarded at length by
the gratification of his honest ambition, in his appointment as
supernumerary deputy road inspector of the district. He enlarged upon
the service he had rendered to, and the honours he had received from,
his country; and then put it to his judges to decide whether, as a
public officer, a soldier, and a man of honour, he could submit to be
stigmatised as a schurke, without appealing to the laws of his
Fatherland to vindicate his character. Of course it was not to be
thought of. He then detailed the circumstances of the assault I had
made upon his character, forgetting to mention, however, the
provocation he had given by the fraudulent charge for greasing. Having
finished his peroration, he proceeded to call witnesses to the fact of
the abuse, and cited Hans Felder, our postilion, to be first examined.
Hans, who had heard every syllable that passed, was not, however, so
manageable a subject as the plaintiff expected to find him. Whether,
like Toby Allspice in the play, he 'made it a rule never to disoblige
a customer;' or whether, which was not unlikely, he owed Karl Gurtler
a grudge, either for stopping him on his route, or for some previous
disagreement with that conscientious public functionary; or whether,
which was likeliest of all, he feared to compromise his claim for
_trinkgeld_ from the highborn, gracious gentlemen he had the honour of
driving, I cannot pretend to determine. Certain it is, that when
brought to the bar, he had heard nothing, and seen nothing, and knew
nothing, and could recollect nothing, and say nothing, about the
business in hand; and nothing but nothing could be got out of him by a
single member of the bench, though all took him in hand by turns. He
was finally sent down. By this time, so dilatory had been the
proceedings, the sun was sinking in the west. My companion, weary of
the prosecutor's long story, had withdrawn to the inn to order dinner.
As the second witness was about to give his testimony, a note was
handed to the old burgermeister, who, having given it a glance,
immediately adjourned the court till the next morning at nine o'clock.
The assembly broke up, and, returning to the inn, I found that the
proceedings had been stopped by the landlord, to save the reputation
of his cookery, which would have been endangered had the dinner waited
much longer. Having first consulted my fellow-traveller, he had
despatched directions to the judge to adjourn the case till the
morrow, who, like a good and obliging neighbour, had accordingly done
so.
The little town was unusually alive and excited that evening. Karl
Gurtler was the centre of an admiring circle, who soon enveloped him
in the incense of their meerschaums. He held a large levée in the
common room of the inn, where a succession of very terrific
battle-songs kept us up to a late hour, as it was of no use to think
of slumber during their explosion. The next morning, at the appointed
hour, the proceedings recommenced, and the remainder of the witnesses
were examined at full length. It was in vain that I offered to plead
guilty, and pay the penalty, whatever it might be, so that we might be
allowed to proceed on our journey. I was solemnly reminded, that it
was not for me to interrupt the course of justice, but to await its
decision with patience. I saw they were determined to prevent our
departure as long as possible; and, judging that the only way to
assist in the completion of the unlucky business, was to interpose no
obstacle to its natural course, I henceforth held my peace, conjuring
my companion on no account to give directions for dinner. After a
sitting of nearly seven hours on the second day, when everything that
could be lugged into connection with the silly affair had been said
and reiterated ten times over, the notary in attendance read over his
condensed report of the whole, and I was called upon for my defence. I
told them plainly that I did not choose to make any; that I was sick
of the company of fools; that since it was a crime to speak the truth
in their good town, I was willing to pay the penalty for so doing, for
the privilege of leaving it; that I was astonished and disgusted at
the spectacle of a company of grave men siding with such a beggarly
_räuber_ (I believed that term was not proscribed in their precious
statute) as Karl Gurtler was, and taking advantage of the law, of
which a stranger must necessarily be ignorant, to obstruct him on his
journey, and levy a contribution on his purse; and I added, finally,
for I had talked myself into an angry mood, that if the farce were not
immediately brought to a conclusion, I should despatch my friend
forthwith to Berlin, and lay a report of their proceedings before the
British ambassador. I could perceive something like consternation in
the broad visage of the burgermeister as I concluded my harangue; but
without attempting to answer it, the Solons on the bench laid their
heads together, and after a muttering of a few minutes' duration, the
schoolmaster pronounced the sentence of the court, which was, that I
should indemnify the plaintiff to the amount of one dollar, and pay
the costs of the proceedings, which amounted to three more. I could
scarce forbear laughing at the mention of a sum so ludicrous. Fifteen
shillings for penalty and costs of a trial which had lasted nearly two
days! I threw down the money, and was hastening from the court, when
the notary called upon me to stop for one moment, while he concluded
his report of the case, to which, it appeared, their laws gave me a
valid claim. I took the papers, and crammed them into my valise, in
the hasty packing which took place so soon as I got back to my
companion. In a quarter of an hour, we were on our road towards
Berlin, having been taught a lesson of politeness, even towards
rogues, at the expense of a stoppage of more than thirty hours on our
route. I have no recollection how the papers found their way into the
old trunk from which they were lately unkennelled. They are now before
me, and consist of nearly fifty sides of small foolscap, written in a
bold legal hand, affording a unique specimen of the cheapness of law
amongst a community who, it is to be supposed, had but little demand
for it.
A few short months after this event, and the little town where it took
place had something else to think of. The ill-advised step of the
Prussian government, who, relying upon the aid of Russia, declared war
against Napoleon, brought the devastating hordes of republican France
among them. The battle of Jena placed the whole kingdom at the foot of
the conqueror; and few towns suffered more, comparatively, than the
little burgh which, by the decree of a very doubtful sort of justice,
had mulcted me in penalties for calling a very ill-favoured rogue by
his right name.