SCENE IX.

_Enter_ ZOPIRO _and_ INOPHILUS, _with Soldiers_.

INO. Unhand the prince, or else by heav'n he treads

Into his grave that moves a foot to touch him.

Madam, though Plangus' noble self was blind,

And could not see the deep black darkness of

Your hellish actions, his friends had eyes about them.

Was this your love? this your repentance?

This your advice, your counsel? Had I, I must confess,[100]

And these his noble friends, been[101] rul'd by him, ere this

He'd been a sacrifice to your revenge and you.

Why stand you mute, sir? Want you a tongue to justify

Your innocence our swords and we maintain?

And now, my liege, we turn to you, whom we

Have serv'd as truly as e'er subjects did

Any prince alive; and whilst you're worthy, we

Will do so still; but we'll be no man's slaves

Alive, much less be his that is another's,

While this base witch (for so she is) constrains

You to do actions children would blush at,

And wise men laugh at, which will after leave you

Both to repentance and despair. This beggar, whom

T'other day you took up as some lost thing,

Gave your honour to, and in that our safety;

That knew less to be good than devils do,

And hath ills lodged in her that would make hell

Beyond that the furies dwell in,

Banish her hence, send her to some place

Where murders, rapines, or sins yet

Unheard of do inhabit, and where she can

Do us no mischief. Do you betake yourself

To your former virtue, and restore the prince

To those affections you once had for him.

We then perhaps may live to see

Iberia happy.

EPH. Why am I forc'd thus to declare his shame,

Which at the bound strikes me, and's made my own?

You know not how well Plangus can dissemble:

He is an hypocrite, I need not tell you more,

Those three syllables comprehend all ill.

My queen just now 'scaped from his base attempt,

Wherein he would have forc'd her to have damn'd

Herself and him, and dishonoured me.

What meant that armour on, and why so guarded?

Where was a danger threat'ned him? or doth he

Think his conscience could not sting him through it?

I wish, my lords,[102] he might live. But, as nature

That, as he is my son, bids me preserve him;

So honour, which pleads to the king stronger

Than nature can, tells me, for that very reason,

I can less pardon him than something born

A stranger to my blood. But I deserve

To die, as well as he. If he be grown

A burden to the earth, I am so too,

That gave the monster being. Wherefore

Let me be drawn to execution too,

For fathers are guilty of their children's ills.

INO. Would Plangus then have forc'd Andromana?

Yes, so would Daphne have ravish'd Phoebus!

I'll undertake goats are less salt than she.

But for his armour:--can any man that breathes

One common air with her not need an armour?

Brass walls can't be security enough.

Why speak you not, sir? are you dumb too?

PLAN. 'Tis for them to speak are sure to be believ'd,

And not for him that is condemn'd as guilty.

Words can excuse slight faults.

If mine are esteem'd such, that all my actions,

A speaking duty of one-and-twenty years,

Speak not enough to clear me, silence shall.

I've no more to say, therefore, but

To bid you do your duty to the king,

And ask him pardon for this[103] intemperate zeal:

Heav'n knows I wish'd it not, nor would I buy

My safety at one of my father's angry thoughts,

Much less his fears, for those I fall by.

Obey my father, and if ye love me, gentlemen,

Shed not one tear for Plangus.

For I am timely taken from those plagues

This woman's crying sins must bring upon

Iberia, and make you wish that you

Had died as soon and innocent as I.

AND. That I was nothing, I confess; that what I am,

I owe to Ephorbas; nay, that the greatness

I am now in tells me it is too high

To be secure, my fears bear witness.

I wish my life would excuse Plangus his; at least

My blood wash off the blackness of his guilt,

Heav'n knows it should not be one minute, ere

He should be restor'd to his former virtues;

But since it cannot be, I'll in and weep--

Not for myself, but him.

[_Exit._

INO. Millions of plagues go with thee. Sir [_To_ PLANGUS], you

shall

Along with us; we will not trust you

Or to the king or her.

[_Exeunt._

ACT V., SCENE 1.

LIBACER _solus_.

LIB. What politician was there ever yet

Who, swimming through a sea of plots and treasons,

Sank not at last i' th' very haven's mouth?

And shall I do so too? No, my thoughts prompt me,

I shall be told in story, as the first

That stood secure upon the dreadful ruins

He had thrown down beneath him. Yet I'm nigh

The precipice I strive to shun with so much care.

I have betray'd Plangus, 'tis true, and still

Have found a growing fortune; but so long

As jealousy binds up Ephorbas' thoughts

From searching deeper, deeper, 'tis not well

That Plangus lives at all: though he be disgrac'd.

H' has friends enow about the king, and they

Will find a time to pacify him, which will be

My undoing. He must not therefore live.

Andromana is of that mind too;

But how to compass it? or when perhaps

I have, what will become of me?

Nothing more usual than for those folks, who

Have by sinister means reach'd to the top

O' th' mountain of their hopes, but they throw down

And forget the power that rais'd them; indeed

Necessity enforceth them, lest others climb

By the same steps they did, and ruin them.

I must not therefore trust her womanship,

Who, though I know she cannot stand without

Me now; yet, when she's queen alone,

Fortune may alter her, and make her look

Upon me as one whose life whispers

Unto her own guilt. 'Tis not safe to be

The object of a princess' fear; then she will find

Others will be as apt to keep her up

As I to raise her. I'll prevent her first.

Time is not ripe yet; but when it is (for

I must walk on with her a little farther)

I will unravel all this labyrinth ev'n

To the king himself. Then let her accuse me,

Though she should damn herself to hell,

I know she'll be believ'd no more

Than Plangus hath been hitherto.

Thus shall I still grow great, though all the world

Be to a dreadful ruin madly hurl'd.

[_Exit._

SCENE II.

PLANGUS _solus_.

PLAN. I can no longer hold; 'tis not i' th' power

Of fate to make me less. Bid me outstare

The sun, outrun a falling star,

Feed upon flames, or pocket up the clouds;

Or if there be a task mad Juno's hate

Could not invent to plague poor Hercules,

Impose it upon me, I'll do't without a grudge.

Condemn me to a galley, load me with chains

Whose weight may so keep me down, I can scarce

Swell under my burden to let out a sigh,

I would o'ercome all. Were there a deity

That men adore, and throw their prayers upon,

That would lend just ears to human wishes,

I would grow great by being punished, and be

A plague myself, so that when people curs'd

Beyond invention, to their prodigious rhetoric

This epiphonema should be added,

"Become as miserable as wretched Plangus."

I have been jaded, basely jaded,

By those tame fools, honour and piety,

And now am wak'd into revenge, breathing forth ruin

To those first spread this drowsiness upon

My soul. A woman! O heaven, had I been gull'd

By anything had borne the name of man!

But this will look so sordidly in story:

I shall be grown discourse for grooms and footboys,

Be balladed, and sung to filthy tunes. But do

I talk still? well, I must leave this patience.

And now, Ephorbas,

Since thou hast wrought me to this temper,

I'll be reveng'd with as much skill as thou

Hast injur'd me. I will to these presently, for

My hour-glass shall not run ten minutes longer,

And having kill'd myself before thee,

I'll pluck my heart out, tell thee all

My innocence, and leave thee hemm'd in with

A despair thicker than Egyptian darkness.

I know thou canst not choose but die for grief.

But here he is.

[_Exit._

SCENE III.

EPHORBAS _solus_.

EPH. Riddle on[104] riddle! I have dream'd this night

Plangus was cloth'd, like innocence, all white;

And Andromana then methought was grown

So black, nothing but all one guilt was shown.

What shall I do? Shall I believe a dream?

Which is a vapour borne along the stream

Of fancy, and sprung up from the gross fumes

Of a full stomach, sent to th' upper rooms

O' th' brain by our ill genius, to spoil our sight,

And cloud our judgments like a misty night.

Why do I doubt? 'tis ominous to stay

Demurring, when the way is plain. Is day

Or night best to judge colours? shall I stand,

Trying the water's soundness, when the land

Presents firm footing? Truth by day appears,

And I from tapers hope to find my fears

Oppos'd. And yet methinks 'tis very strange,

A son of mine should suddenly thus change,

And throw his nature off; I did not so

When I was young. I am resolv'd to know

The truth, and clear this mist from 'fore my eyes,

If't can be done by care, by gold, or spies.

[_Exit._

SCENE IV.

ANDROMANA _sola_.

AND. So badgers dig the holes, and foxes live in them.

Of all factors, state-factors are the worst,

And get least to themselves of all their labour.

This Libacer

Is wading to the throat in blood to do me

Service. Tame fool! can he imagine I

Remove a husband and a son, to suffer him

To live still and upbraid my ills?

_Enter_ LIBACER.

LIB. It is resolv'd.

But here she is, I must speak fairly for awhile.

AND. How doth it succeed now, my darling?

Shall we be great? [be] great alone?

LIB. As great as pride and fulness of revenge

Can swell us. Hark in your ear, madam,

I'll tell you all our plot; but softly, for

Perhaps the jealous walls may echo back

The treason.

[_They whisper._

SCENE V.

_Enter_ PLANGUS _with his sword drawn_.

PLAN. I bore whil[e]st I could; but now 'tis grown

Too great to be contain'd in human breast,

And it shall out, though hoop'd with walls of brass.

Are they at it? I stood once listening

At their entreaty; this time at my own

I'll stand and hearken.

[_Steps aside._

AND. 'Tis impossible.

LIB. I tell you, no. I'll aggravate the injuries,

And tell him how basely poor it was for

A father to betray his son so.

AND. His piety shall never----

LIB. But his fury shall.

I'll stab the king himself, and bring

Those witnesses shall swear 'twas Plangus.

PLAN. Nay, then, 'tis time to strike--

There, carry thy intents to hell.

[_He stabs_ LIBACER.

AND. Help! murder, murder! a rape, a rape!

_Enter_ EPHORBAS.

EPH. What dismal note was that?

AND. Sir, there

You see your martyr, whose force being

Too weak to save my honour, his fidelity

Was greater, and [has] died a royal sacrifice,

Offer'd by th' impious hand of that vile man.

EPH. O heav'n! doth not the earth yet gape and swallow thee?

Thy life shall be my crime no longer; I gave it thee,

And thus resume it with a thousand curses.

[_He stabs_ PLANGUS.

PLAN. Sir, I at length am happy to the height

Of all my wishes. I'm a-going suddenly

[_Faints._

From all my troubles, all your fears; but I

Will tell my story first--

How you have wrong'd, and been wronged yourself.

This woman, to be short, hath twin'd

Like ivy with my naked limbs, before

She married you, and would--O,

In spite of death

I will go on--have tempted me

To bed her since. Upon refusal, she

Turned her love to hate, and plots my ruin,

And next your death--I can no more--I kill'd

The instrument--farewell, forgive me.

[_Dies._

EPH. Can this be true, Andromana?

AND. Do you believe it?

EPH. I wish I had not cause----

AND. Sir, every syllable was true he told you;

Whose words I thus confirm.

[_She takes_ PLANGUS'S _dagger, flings it at_ EPHORBAS, _and

kills him_.

EPH. I'm slain! mercy, Heaven!

_Enter_ INOPHILUS.

AND. You should have come a little sooner.

INO. Do I see well? or is the prince here slain?

AND. He is, and 'cause you love him,

Carry that token of my love to him.

[_Stabs_ INOPHILUS.

I know he'll take it kindly that you take

So long a journey only to see him.

INO. It was the devil struck, sure,

A woman could not do it.--Plangus, O!

[_Dies._

SCENE VI.

_Enter_ RINATUS, EUBULUS, ANAMEDES.

RIN. Heav'n defend us! what a sight is here? The king,

The prince, both slain? what, and my son too?

Only this woman living? Speak out, [thou]

Screech-owl, witch, how came they by their deaths!

AND. By me; how else?

RIN. Let's torture her.

AND. I can

Prevent you; I wouldn't live a minute longer

Unless to act my ills again, for all Iberia.

[_Stabs herself._

I have lived long enough to boast an act,

After which no mischief shall be new----

[_Dies._

RIN. Let's in, and weep our weary lives away;

When this is told, let after-ages say,

But Andromana none could have begun it,

And none but Andromana could have done it.

[_Exeunt._

* * * * *

LADY ALIMONY.

_EDITION._

_Lady Alimony; or, The Alimony Lady. An Excellent Pleasant New

Comedy. Duly Authorized, daily Acted, and frequently Followed._

Nolumus amplexus sponsales; A|ra novellos

Nocte parent Socios, qui placuere magis.

LUCRET.

_London, Printed by Tho. Vere and William Gilbertson, and are

to be sold at the Angel without New-gate, and at the Bible in

Gilt-spur-street._ 1659. 4^o.

This piece is now first reprinted from the original edition. It

is a curious and peculiar production, and was perhaps written

twenty or twenty-five years before the date which appears on the

title-page. Its attribution jointly to Thomas Lodge and Robert

Greene is one of those alike silly and capricious affiliations of

our earlier bibliographers, which sometimes scarcely seem as if

they were seriously intended. From a passage at p. 281, it is

readily apparent that it was not in existence till after 1633.

The interest and point of the present play principally depend on

a vivid description of the doings of certain ladies of pleasure,

or _bona-robas_, who are styled Ladies Alimony. The peculiarity

of the piece in point of structure and character may be thought,

perhaps, to go some way in atoning for its occasional

licentiousness.

A considerable number of uncommon phrases are scattered through

"Lady Alimony;" some of them are not noticed by our

glossographers.

THE ACTORS PERSONATED IN THIS DRAMATIC.

EUGENIO, _the duke_.

SIR AMADIN PUNY, }

SIR JASPER SIMPLETON, }

SIR ARTHUR HEARTLESS, } _cashiered consorts_.

SIR GREGORY SHAPELESS, }

SIR TRISTRAM SHORTTOOL, }

SIR REUBEN SCATTERGOOD, }

MADAM FRICASE, }

MADAM CAVEARE, }

MADAM JULIPPE, } _alimony ladies_.

MADAM JOCULETTE, }

MADAM MEDLER, }

MADAM TINDER, }

FLORELLO, }

CARANTO, }

PALISADO, } _the ladies' Platonic confidants_.

SALIBRAND, }

MORISCO, }

TILLYVALLY, }

GALLERIUS, _ghost_.

TIMON, _the composer_.

TRILLO, _the censor_.

SIPARIUS, _the book-holder_.

_Chorist, Constable, Watch, Country Boors, Trepanners, Pages,

with other Officials._

_The Scene, Seville._

LADY ALIMONY.

ACT I., SCENE 1.

_Enter_ TRILLO.

TRIL. Hey, boys! never did my spirit chirp more cheerfully since

I had one. Here is work for Platonics. Never did ladies, brave

buxom girls, dispense at easier rates with their forfeited

honours. This were an excellent age for that Roman Carvilius to

live in, who never loved any sheets worser than those his wife

lay in, nor his wife any lodging worse than where her decrepit

consort slept in. Divorces are now as common as scolding at

Billingsgate. O Alimony, Alimony! a darling incomparably dearer

than a sear-icy bed, possessed of the spirit of a dull, inactive

husband! A fresh flowery spring and a chill frosty winter never

suit well together. He were a rare justice, in these times of

separation, who had the ceremonial art to join hearts together as

well as hands; but that chemical cement is above the alchemy of

his office or verge of his ministerial charge. Heyday! who comes

here? The very professed smock-satyr or woman-hater in all

Europe; one who, had he lived in that state, or under that zone,

might have compared with any Swetnam[105] in all the Albion

Island.

SCENE II.

_Enter_ TIMON, SIPARIUS, _and a_ PAGE.

But, sure, he has some high design in hand; he pores so fixedly

upon the ground, as on my life he has some swingeing stuff for

our fresh Dabrides, who have invested themselves in the Platonic

order, and retain courage enough to make an exchange of their old

consorts with their new confidants and amorous pretenders. Let us

hear him; he mumbles so strangely, he must surely either

disburthen [him]self, or stifle his teeming birth for want of

timely delivery.

TIM. Good, as I live, wondrous good! this is the way to catch the

old one. Be all things ready, Siparius?

SIP. How do you mean, sir?

TIM. What a drolling bufflehead is this! He has been book-holder

to my revels for decades of years, and the cuckoldry drone, as if

he had slept in Trophonius' cave all his days, desires to know my

meaning in the track of his own calling! Sir, shall I question

you in your own dialect? Be your stage-curtains artificially

drawn, and so covertly shrouded as the squint-eyed groundling[s]

may not peep into your discovery?

SIP. Leave that care to me, sir; it is my charge.

TIM. But were our bills posted, that our house may be with a

numerous auditory stored? our boxes by ladies of quality and of

the new dress crowdingly furnished? our galleries and

ground-front answerably to their pay completed?

SIP. Assure yourself, sir, nothing is a-wanting that may give way

to the poet's improvement.

TIM. Thou sayest well; this is indeed the poet's third day, and

must raise his pericranium deeply steeped in Frontiniac, a fair

revenue for his rich Timonic fancy; or he must take a long adieu

of the spirit of sack and that noble napry till the next vintage.

But, Siparius----

SIP. Your will, sir?

TIM. Be sure that you hold not your book at too much distance.

The actors, poor lapwings, are but pen-feathered; and once out,

out for ever. We had a time, indeed--and it was a golden time for

a pregnant fancy--when the actor could embellish his author, and

return a pA|an to his pen in every accent; but our great disaster

at CannA|, than which none ever more tragical to our theatre, made

a speedy despatch of our rarest Rosciuses, closing them jointly

in one funeral epilogue. Now for you, boy: as you play the

chorus, so be mindful of your hint. I know you to be a wag by

nature, and you must play the waggish actor.

PAGE. I shall not sleep in my action, sir, if your line have so

much life as to provoke a laughter. I shall not strangle the

height of your conceit with a dull gesture; nor weaken the weight

of your plot with too flat or unbecoming a deportment.

TIM. Thou promisest fairly; go on.

TRIL. And so does Timon too, or his judgment fails him. Well, I

will accost him.--Health to our stock of stoical wit, ingenious

Timon! Come, sir, what brave dramatic piece has your running

Mercury now upon the loom? The title of your new play, sir?

TIM. Every post may sufficiently inform you; nay, the fame of the

city cannot choose but echo it to you, so much is expected.

Neither shall you discover a mouse peeping out of a mountain,

believe it.

[Sidenote: _Nulla fides spectanda feris, nec gratia victis._]

TRIL. No, nor a monkey dancing his tricotee on a rope, for want

of strong lines from the poet's pen.

[Sidenote: _Corpora distendunt versibus affanda nefandis._]

TIM. You are i' th' right on't, Trillo. These pigmies of mine

shall not play the egregious puppies in deluding an ignorant

rabble with the sad presentment of a roasted savage.

[Sidenote: _Tempora sunt Cuculi gratissima labilis anni;_]

TRIL. Your conceit is above the scale of admiration. But the

subject of your invention, sir? Where may you lay your scene; and

what name [do] you bestow upon this long-expected comedy?

[Sidenote: _Cornua sunt sponsis trista, lA|ta procis._--Auson.]

TIM. My scene, Trillo, is Horn Alley: the name it bears is "Lady

Alimony." The subject I shall not preoccupate. Let the fancies of

my thirsty auditory fall a-working; if ever their small expense

confined to three hours' space were better recompensed, I will

henceforth disclaim my society with a happy genius, and bestow

the remainder of my time in catching flies with Domitian.

TRIL. Excellent, excellent! I am confident your acrimonious

spirit will discurtain our changeable taffeta ladies to a hair.

TIM. Thou knowest my humour, and let me perish if I do not pursue

it. Thou hast heard, no doubt, how I never found any branch more

pleasingly fruitful, nor to my view more grateful, than when I

found a woman hanging on it; wishing heartily that all trees in

mine orchard bore such fruit.

TRIL. If your wish had proved true, no doubt but your orchard

would have rendered you store of medlars. But your hour, sir,

your hour.

TIM. You know, Trillo, our theatral time to a minute. One thing I

must tell you, and you will attest it upon our presentment, that

never was any stage, since the first erection of our ancient

Roman amphitheatres, with suitable properties more accurately

furnished, with choicer music more gracefully accommodated, nor

by boys, though young, with more virile spirits presented.

TRIL. I'm already noosed in your poetical springe, and shall

henceforth wish, for your sake, that all crop-eared

histriomastixes, who cannot endure a civil, witty comedy, but by

his racked exposition renders it downright drollery, may be

doomed to Ancyrus, and skip there amongst satyrs for his rough

and severe censure.

TIM. Parnassus is a debtor to thee, Trillo, for thy clear and

serene opinion of the Muses and their individual darling; of

which, meaning to imprint our addresses all the better in your

memory, our stage presents ever the most lively and lovely

fancy:--

"Where th' stage breathes lines, scenes, subject, action fit, Th'

age must admire it, or it has no wit."

TRIL. Yet I have heard, Timon, that you were sometimes stoical,

and could not endure the noise of an interlude, but snuff at it,

as the satyr did at the first sight of fire.

TIM. All this is most authentically true; but shall I unbosom

myself ingeniously[106] to thee, my dear Trillo? As his hate to

woman made Eupolis eat nettle pottage, so became I fired in my

spirit. My experience of a shrew drove me to turn the shrewd

comedian; and yet all our boxes are stored with complete doxies;

nay, some, whose carriage give life to this day's action.

TRIL. May the poet's day prove fair and fortunate! Full audience

and honest door-keepers. I shall, perchance, rank myself amongst

your gallery-men.

TIM. We shall hold our labours incomparably heightened by the

breath of such approved judgments.

_Enter_ MESSENGER.

MES. Sir, here is a proud, peremptory, pragmatical fellow, newly

come into our tiring-room, who disturbs our preparation, vowing,

like a desperate haxter,[107] that he has express command to

seize upon all our properties.

TIM. The devil he has! What furious Mercury might this be?

MES. Nay, sir, I know not what he may be; but, sure, if he be

what he seems to be, he can be no less than one of our city

Hectors; but I hope your spirit will conjure him, and make him a

Clinias. He speaks nothing less than braving, buff-leather

language, and has made all our boys so feverish, as if a

quotidian ague had seized on them.

TIM. Sure, it is one of our trepanning decoys, sent forth for a

champion to defend those ladies' engaged honour, whom our stage

is this day to present! This shall not serve their turn. Call him

in; we will collar him.

TRIL. Ha-ha-ha! This will prove rare sport, to see how the poet's

genius will grapple with this bawdry!

SCENE III.

_Enter_ HAXTER.

HAX. Sir!

TIM. Surly sir, your design?

HAX. To ruin your design, illicentiate playwright. Down with your

bills, sir.

TIM. Your bill cannot do it, sir.

HAX. But my commission shall, sir. Can you read, sir?

TIM. Yes, sir, and write too, else were I not fit for this

employment.

[_He reads the paper._

TRIL. With what a scurvy, screwed look the myrmidon eyes him! He

will surely bastinado our comedian out of his laureate periwig.

Hold him tug, poet, or thou runs thy poetical pinnace on a

desperate shelf!

TIM. What bugbear has your terrible bladeship brought us here? A

mandate from one of our own society to blanch the credit of our

comedy! You're in a wrong box, sir; this will not do't.

HAX. You dare not disobey it!

TIM. Dare not! A word of high affront to a professed Parnassian!

I dare exchange in pen with you and your penurious poetaster's

pike; and if your valour or his swell to that height or heat as

it will admit no other cooler but a downright scuffle, let wit

perish and fall a-wool-gathering, if with a cheerful brow I leave

not the precious rills of Hippocrene, and wing my course for

Campus Martius.

HAX. 'Slid, this MusA|us is a Martialist; and if I had not held

him a feverish white-livered staniel,[108] that would never have

encountered any but the Seven Sisters, that knight of the

sun[109] who employed me should have done his errand himself.

Well, I would I were out of his clutches! The only way, then, is

to put on a clear face, lest I bring a storm upon myself.

[_Aside._] Virtuous sir, what answer will your ingenuity be

pleased to return by your most humble and obsequious vassal?

TIM. Ho! sir, are you there with you[r] bears? How this

Gargantua's spirit begins to thaw! Sirrah, you punto[110] of

valour!

HAX. I have, indeed, puissant sir, been in my time rallied

amongst those blades; but it has been my scorn of late to engage

my tuck upon unjust grounds.

TIM. Tucca, thy valour is infinitely beholden to thy discretion.

But, pray thee, resolve me: art thou made known to the purport of

thine errand?

HAX. In part I am.

TIM. And partly I will tell thee; this squirt-squib wherewith

that pragmatical monopolist Nasutius Neapolitanus has here

employed thee to obstruct our action shall be received and

returned with as much scorn as it was sent us with spiteful

impudence! Let him come if he like; he may trouble himself and

his own impoverished patience, but we shall slight him on our

stage, and tax him of frontless insolence.

HAX. You shall do well, sir.

TIM. Well or ill, sir, we will do it. Pray, tell me, brave spark,

what Archias may this be who takes thus upon him to excise the

revenues of our theatral pleasure to his purse? Be his

monopolising brains of such extent as they have power to engross

all inventions to his coffer, all our stage-action to his

exchequer?

HAX. I would be loth to praise him too much, because your

transcendent self prize[s] him so little; but his travels have

highly improved his expression.

TIM. We know it, don, and he knows it too, to his advantage. But

no man knows the issue of his travel better than Timon. It is

true, he addressed his course for Malagasco; but for what

end?--to learn hard words, school himself in the Utopian tongue;

and, to close up all, he sticked not, Xerxes-like, to deface

bridges in the ruins whereof, poor gentleman, he irreparably

suffered.

HAX. To my knowledge, he speaks no more than authentic truth; for

I myself, in my own proper person, got a snap by a Neapolitan

ferret at the very same time; ever since which hot A†tnean service

my legs have been taught to pace iambics, and jadishly to

interfere upon any condition.

[_Aside._

TIM. Thus much for your despatch. Only this: be it your civility,

valiant don, to present my service to his naked savages, monkeys,

baboons, and marmosets, advising, withal, your master of the

bear-yard, that he henceforth content his hydroptic thoughts with

his own box-holders; and, lest he lose by his outlandish

properties, be it his care to pick out some doxies of his own,

lest those she-sharks whom he has employed upon that trading

occasion abuse his confidence.

HAX. Your commands, sir, shall be observed with all punctuality.

TIM. Do so, brave don, lest I call you to account, and return

your wages with a bastinado. But withal tell that cockspur, your

magnificent MecA|nas, that he keep at home, and distemper not our

stage with the fury of his visits, lest he be encountered by my

little terriers, which will affright him more than all his

Spanish gipsies.

HAX. Account me, invincible sir, your most serviceable slave upon

all interests. Well, I have secured my crazy bulk as well from a

basting as ever mortal did; and if ever I be put on such

desperate adventures again, let this weak radish body of mine

become stuck round with cloves, and be hung up for a gammon of

Westphalia bacon to all uses and purposes.

[_Aside._

[_Exit._

TRIL. So, you have conjured down the spirit of one furious

haxter!

SCENE IV.

_Enter_ BOY.

TIM. And just so must all our tavern tarmagons be used, or

they'll trepan you, as they did that old scarified friar, whose

bitter experiences furnished with ability enough to discover

their carriage and his feverish distemper.

BOY. Sir, all our boxes are already stored and seated with the

choicest and eminentest damosellas that all Seville can afford.

Besides, sir, all our galleries and ground-stands are long ago

furnished. The groundlings within the yard grow infinitely

unruly.

TIM. Go to, boy; this plebeian incivility must not precipitate

the course of our action. How oft have they sounded?

BOY. They're upon the last sound; but our expectance of that

great Count, whose desires are winged for us, foreflow our entry.

TIM. These comic presentments may properly resemble our comet

apparitions, where their first darting begets impressions of an

affectionate wonder or prophetic astonishment. The world, I must

confess, is a ball racketed above the line and below into every

hazard: but whimseys and careers challenge such influence over

the judgment of our gallant refined wits; as their fancies must

be humoured, and their humours tickled, or they leave our rooms

discontented. So as the comedian's garden must find lettuce for

all lips, or the disrelished poet must be untrussed, and paid

home with a swingeing censure. This must be my fate; for I can

expect no less from these satirical madams, whose ticklish

resentment of their injured honour will make them kick before

they be galled. But Timon is armed _cap-a-pie_ against all such

feminine assailants. They shall find my scenes more modest than

some of their actions have merited; and I must tell thee one

thing by the way, my ingenious Trillo--that I never found more

freedom in my sprightly genius, than in the very last night, when

I set my period to this living fancy. But time and conveniences

of the stage enjoin me to leave thee; make choice of thy place,

and expect the sequel.

[Sidenote: _ExtremAc nocte nullam scA|nis feliciorem

reperi._--Afran.]

TRIL. May your acts live to a succeeding age, And the Ladies

Alimony enrich your stage.

[_Exeunt._

_After the third sound_--

PROLOGUE.

_Madams, you're welcome; though our poet show

A severe brow, it is not meant to you.

Your virtues, like your features, they are such,

They neither can be priz'd nor prais'd too much:

Lov'd and admir'd wheres'ever you are known,

Scorning to mix Platonics with your own:

Sit with a pleasing silence, and take view

Of forms vermillion'd in another hue.

Who make free traffic of their nuptial bed,

As if they had of fancy surfeited:

Who come not here to hear our comic scenes,

But to complete imaginary dreams

With realler conceptions. If you mind them,

Their new loves stand before, old loves behind them:

And from that prospect this_ impresa _read,

Rich pearls show best when they are set in lead.

Such be your blameless beauties, which comply

With no complexion but a native dye,

Apt for a spousal hug, and, like rich ore,

Admit one choice impression and no more.

Those faces only merit our esteem,

Seem what they be, and be the same they seem.

For they who beauty clothe with borrow'd airs,

May well disclaim them, being none of theirs.

Here shall you see Nature adorn'd with skill,

And if this do not please, sure, nothing will._

ACT II., SCENE 1.

_Enter two_ BOYS.

1ST BOY. Room, room for the ladies of the new dress.

2D BOY. Thou styles them rightly, Tim; for they have played the

snakes, and put off their old slough. New brooms sweep clean.

Frosty age and youth suit not well together. These _bona-robas_

must sate their appetites with fresh cates, or their sharp

attractive stomachs will be quickly cloyed.

1ST BOY. True, Nick; hadst thou known their nightly quartering as

well as I have done, thou wouldst hold them rare coy-ducks for

retrieving new game, and storing their lobbies upon all

adventures.

2D BOY. Why, Tim, art thou one of that covey?

1ST BOY. Let it suffice thee, wag, I know all their fagaries[111]

to a hair. I have not played such a truant in my place as to

become their pee-dee[112] during all the time of their restraint,

and not to attain the principles of a puisne bolt: a faithful

secret pimp deserves his constant pay.

2D BOY. But, in good sadness, resolve me: were these dainty

Dabrides ever in restraint?

1ST BOY. As close cooped up, believe it, as any parachitoes ever

were. Only they assumed to their pretended aggrievances to

exclaim against their hard fortunes in being matched with such

impotent and defective husbands; and now they have, by long

flickering and strong favourites, got out o' th' cage, and

wrought themselves into alimony.

2D BOY. Uds! so will their dainty fingers tug in alum-work?

1ST BOY. What an ignorant puppy thou art! This is no alum-work,

but such a calcinated metal as it will run like quicksilver over

all their husbands' domains, and in very short time make a quick

despatch of all his Long-acre.

2D BOY. Trust me, Tim, these be mad-mettled girls, brave braches

to breed on!

1ST BOY. What a wanton monkey is this? He's but newly bred, and

he can talk of wenches breeding! Well, thou wilt grow a cock of

th' game if thy pen-feathered youth mount to't. But silence, wag;

the she-myrmidons are entering the stage, and I am pricked out

for the chorus.

SCENE II.

_Enter six Ladies fantastically habited, in a wanton and

pleasant posture: passing over the stage, they are

encountered by six amorous complimental Servants, every

one singling forth his mistress for discourse._

2D BOY. What humorous tomboys be these?

1ST BOY. The only gallant Messalinas of our age. That

love-spotted ermine is Madam Fricase, a woman of a rampant

spirit; a confident pretender to language; and, for the Latin,

she makes herself as familiar with the breach of Priscian's head

as if it were her husband's.

2D BOY. Who is she, that looks like a mounted scaledrake?[113]

1ST BOY. That spitfire is Madam Caveare: one whose assiduate

trading brought age upon her before her time. But art has taught

her to supply furrowed deformities with ceruse boxes, and to

repair a decayed complexion with an Italian fucus. This, with

other fomentations, have so enlivened her, as they render her no

less active than if she at last grass had but casten her

colt's-tooth. The next in rank is that mincing madam Julippe, who

would not bear a child for a world (though her endeavours be

pregnant enough), for fear she should disfeature the comeliness

of her body.

2D BOY. Yet she's a medlar.[114]

1ST BOY. A mellow one, and as ready to fall in autumn upon all

occasions.

2D BOY. What may that gaudy gewgaw lady be, that throws such

scornful looks upon our galleries?

1ST BOY. That's a brave martial Milanoise: Semiramis never had a

more imperious spirit. She styles herself Madam Joculette; a

jocund girl, on my word, and one that will not engage her honour,

nor barter in a low commodity, for nothing. She was a tirewoman

at first in the suburbs of Milan; but falling into an ebb of

fortune, and hearing the quaint and various fancies of our

country damosellas, she took upon her this adventure to improve

her annual pension; which she has by the dexterity of her wit and

incomparable curiosity of art highly enlarged, and by this

unexpected means--for it happened, to give an addition to her

future happiness, that one Sir Gregory Shapeless, a mundungo[115]

monopolist, a paltry-penurious-pecking pinchgut, who had smoked

himself into a mercenary title of knightship, set his affection

upon her soon after her arrival here; whom thou may imagine,

Nick, to be no sooner wooed than won. But scarcely were their

marriage-sheets warm, till her dissembled fancy, having no other

bait but lucre to feed it, grew cold, and the mundungo-knight

became pitifully crest-fallen--more in love with the world than

his Italian doxy. A divorce she sues, and so happily pursues, as

by the solicitancy of her private ingles she became whole sharer

in his trucking fortunes; since which time she pastures freely

upon the common without fear of enclosure.

2D BOY. Why should she not? A barren ranging doe, having once

leapt over her own pale, may encroach, though not with security,

upon any other's liberty.

1ST BOY. That next her in rank, and as right as my leg in her

career, is Madam Medler, a cunning civil trader, who with much

simpering secrecy, as one that would seem sparing in discovery of

her husband's debility, calls him[116] Sir Tristram Shorttool, a

good, well-meaning man, and one that might content any woman

under the equinoctial line, if Nature had measured her[117]

right. Whereas his sufficiency has been elsewhere tried, which

his many branches, sprung from other stocks, may sufficiently

witness, being scions[118] of his own inoculating, and at his own

proper charge for breeding. As for that lady with the inflamed

face, Madam Tinder, her desires are so strong and enlarged, as

that torrid zone, where she sometimes planted, could not

accommodate her supplies. And let this serve thee, Nick, for a

short character of these alimonial ladies.

2D BOY. Those Platonic servants of theirs are upon a strong

debate with their amorous mistresses.

1ST BOY. But note, my precious wag, how infinitely they seem

tickled with the accounts, which those ladies return them of

their court proceedings.

[_They retire, and listen._

SCENE III.

FLO. You overglad me, Madam Fricase,

With your select discourse, closing so fairly

With our expected wishes.

CAR. No conceit

Struck more on fancy than the tale you told me;

'Tis so attractive, Madam Caveare.

It acts delight without a passive object,

And forms an embryo in the phantasy

By love's mysterious spell. May Ida's court

Ne'er see Caranto exercise his revels,

If he neglect those ceremonial rites

Which love and duty have oblig'd him to.

May all the orbs make music in their motion,

And smile on our enjoyment!

PAL. Fair Julippe,

Your choice has crown'd me; nor shall track of time

Raze out that imprese which[119] your free assent

Has here engraven. Palisado's zeal

Shall merit your affection, if endeavours

May mount to such a pitch as they may cheer

My hopes in retribution. Secrecy,

Or what may most suit with a lady's honour,

Shall in this breast keep constant sentry.[120]

SAL. If Salibrand fall short, may he be forc'd

To sue his own divorce. Dear Joculette,

May your estrangement from a loathed bed

Complete your choice with a delightful change.

MOR. Balls, treats, rear-banquets, theatral receipts

To solace tedious hours, shall entertain

My mellow Medlar; and when evening pleasure

Shall with enlivening vigour summon more

Duly-reserved offices, which Love

In her arrival, her desir'd repose,

Shall pay his loyal tribute, only due

To crowns and nuptial rites: or as pure times

Make these divisions legal, to supply

Defects by abler farmers, which defray'd,

Proves man to be himself. I'll vow no more:

Only give leave to your devoted servant,

Whose purest victim is a constant heart,

To make this tender good. Before I fail

In acting your content, may youthful heat

Disclaim its interest in me, and this spirit,

Active and sprightly, lose his native strength--

Nay, thaw itself to atoms, and resolve

To ophic powder, juice of cucumber,

Or what may show most chilness in the blood.

TIL. Like brave Platonic, you profess much love,

Which, you enamel with gilt promises;

But my affection's conscious of no guilt,[121]

Nor a rhetoric tincture. Some can speak,

And call the heavens to record, when their fancy,

Mere planet-struck, has fix'd their influence

On various objects: this deludes poor wenches,

And makes them melt like ceruse! Heav'ns forgive them!

I'm none of that light leaven; nor, Florello,

Caranto, Palisado, Salibrand,

Nor you, Morisco. Moments of delight

May prompt unmanag'd youths to damn'd protests

And vows which they intend not: whereas, madams,

Your choice has made you happy in your change.

This shall my dear affianc'd Tinder find

In her embraces; and in those conclude

Stol'n waters be the sweetest.

ALL. Excellent;

Thou shalt be styl'd th' Platonic Pythias.

FRI. Our faith is not confirm'd by oratory.

If man, he cannot falsify his trust

In offices of love; we leave our own

For your enjoyment; were there piety

In making love the anvil of your treason?

No, no; we shall not entertain a thought,

That may suggest suspicion, nor retain

In our late-widow'd breasts a crime so foul

As jealousy. Let our cornutos harbour

That marrow-eating fury. Dear Florello,

Hold my exchanged love complete in thee!

CAV. Hold same opinion of thy Caveare,

My best Caranto.

JUL. Treasure like esteem

In thy Julippe's choice, brave Palisado.

JOC. In Joculette, active Salibrand.

MED. Thy sprightliest revels, may they be reserv'd

For thy endearA"d Medlar, my Morisco.

TIN. So may thy hopes be crownA"d in thy Tinder,

My valiant Tilly; and rest thus resolv'd:

That th' tender tinder of my tried affection

Shall ne'er obscure its lustre, if neglect

Extinguish not that heat.

TIL. May th' frigid zone

Sooner contract my sinews!

MOR. And love's grove

Become an hermit's cell!

SAL. And our revels

A sullen stoic dream.

PAL. And this exchange

A period to our joys.

CAR. And our protests

Affrighting shadows.

FLO. Or (what's worst of all)

May those contents, which you expect from us,

Discover our defects, and make you wish

Your nuptial beds untouch'd.

ALL. May all these fall,

And crush us with their grandeur.

LADIES. Be it so,

And if our levity disvalue vows,

Or what may most oblige us: may like censure

Impeach our perish'd honours.

[_They retire._

1ST BOY. So: the match

Is clapp'd already up. They need no witness.

2D BOY. Trust me, they couple handsomely, as if they had been

married after th' new fashion.

1ST BOY. These need no dispensation. Fancy can act it without

more ado. A mad match soon shuffled up!

2D BOY. But what shuffling would there be, if any of these wanton

gossips should cry out before their time?

1ST BOY. That cry, my dainty wag, would be soon stifled. There be

many ways, as I have heard my old grannam say (who had been in

her youth a Paracelsian doctor's leman), to impregnate a birth,

and, by secret applications o' possems[122] and cordials, not

only to facilitate, but expedite, their production.

2D BOY. And what of all this?

1ST BOY. Why then, Tim, the only safe way for these gamesome

macquerellas[123] is to antedate their conception before their

separation. This has been an approved receipt; and, upon a long

consult, found so, and returned authentic. Joy or grief produce

wondrous effects in humorous[124] ladies.

2D BOY. Thou art a cunning, sifting ningle for all rogueries.

SCENE IV.

_Enter again the Ladies with their Platonic Confidants._

1ST BOY. What! so soon returned? upon my life, there's some

amorous design on foot, either in displaying of the weakness of

those rams'-heads whom they have deserted, or some pasquil of

light mirth to ingratiate their late-entertained servants.

2D BOY. No drollery, for love sake:

"Facetious fancies are the least profane."

1ST BOY. That's a precious strain of modesty,

Nick: make much on't: let's fasten our attentions.

They are moving.

[BOYS _retire again_.

FLO. Dear Madam Fricase, present those scenes,

Those love-attractive scenes, your noble self

With these long-injur'd ladies tend'red

To your prudential senate.

FRI. Sure, Florello,

You much mistake them; can you call them scenes

Which just complaints exhibit? True, they might,--

They might have prov'd to us, and to our honours

That lay at stake, and by spectators thought

Highly engag'd, nay, desperately expos'd

To a judicial sentence--a decree

Of fatal consequence.

CAR. But pregnant wits,

Stor'd with maturest judgment, polite tongues,

Calm'd an approaching storm.

PAL. Nay, made you gracious

Before those rigid consuls.

SAL. For my part,

I never knew a good face spoil a cause,

Though th' bench were ne'er so gravely ancient:

Nor ripe in years.

MOR. Beauty's a taking bait,

Which each fish nibbles at: this Appius felt,

A reverend sage, whom furrowed brow, loose lip,

Strait line of life, a rough distemper'd cough,

Aged catarrhs, a shiver'd shell turn'd earth,

Where nought appear'd that might partake of man,

Save a weak breathing motion: yet could he

Send forth light wand'ring eyes, and court Virginia

With a dull admiration: so the bard

Describes his daring-doting appetite,

Which he pursu'd, yet thought none durst discover:

"Appius had silent tongue, but speaking eyes;

Yet who says Appius loves Virginia, lies."

TIL. Not I, I vow; let age attire itself,

And in that garish habit fool his soul

With fruitless wishes. What's all this to me?

Pygmalion may with his incessant vows,

Sweet'ned with fancy's incense, seek t'enliven

Motionless marble; but such statues render

Icy content. Imagination may

Make th' image seem a Leda, yet the swan

Retains her feature and her nature too.

Let's leave these apprehensions; they suit better

With shady than essential favourites.

Good madams, second our desires; let's hear,

How you were dealt withal.

FLO. Our instancy

Begs so much favour.

CAR. It will cheer our spirits

In the relation of your fair proceedings.

MOR. Where th' issue crown'd your suit with that success,

No fates seem'd more propitious.

PAL. We must leave't;

You know what longing means.

SAL. Come, who begins?

LADIES. Stay, gallants, wing not your too speedy course

With such Pegasian quickness; our consent

Should go along: our interests are concern'd

To perfect your desires.

FLO. And we presume

Your acquiescence will accomplish it.

Our mutual loves close in that harmony

That, though the airs of music still admit

Their closure in divisions, our joint strings,

So sweetly tun'd, may run their diapason

Without a discord.

FRI. By which sense we gather,

That we must prove your fiddlers?

FLO. You mistake me.

We hold you instruments; your fancies, strings,

To actuate our motion with that fulness

Arion ne'er attain'd to.

LADIES. We must yield,

Or they will storm us.

FRI. Yet let our conditions

Bring them within our lists. Well, our surprise

Must make you parties i' th' discovery.

ALL. For love's sake, how?

FRI. As thus: we stand at bar

T' express our grievances: and you must set

Grave censors or examinates to discuss

The weight of our complaints.

ALL. Content; we'll do't.

LADIES. But do't exactly, or you spoil the plot.

CAR. 'Slid, doubt not, ladies, we have wit enough

To frame intergotaries, so you make answer,

And with your quickness do not puzzle us.

ALL. Advance, advance; let's mount, and play the consuls.

[_The Confidants ascend the higher seats, erected after the

form of the Roman exedras, the Ladies, with petitions in

their hands, standing at the bar._

1ST BOY. How will these dainty dottrels act their parts?

2D BOY. Rarely, no doubt; their audience makes them confident.

SCENE V.

FLO. Now, fair ladies, what wind has blown you hither?

FRI. The storm of our insufferable wrongs

Call unto you for justice.

CAR. And your beauties

Enjoin our just assistance. Show your griefs.

1ST BOY. This is a caranto-man, with all my heart! must

Beauty be his landskip on the seat of justice?

[_Aside._

2D BOY. Pray thee, give them line.

[_Aside._

FRI. Should I discover my misfortunes, consuls,

They would enforce compassion, even in strangers,

Who know not my extraction. My descent,

Besides the fortunes I deriv'd from them

Who gave me being, breeding, with whate'er

Might complete youth, or give embellishment

To Nature's curious workmanship, was known

To shine more graceful in the eye of fame

Than to remain obscure: yet see my fate--

My sad occurring fate!

FLO. Express it, madam.

FRI. I married, reverend consul, and in that

Lost both my freedom, fortune, and myself.

My former single sweet condition

Clothes that remembrance in a sable weed,

Resolves mine eyes to Niobe's, whose tears

Might drop to marble, and erect an urn

T' inhume my funeral spousals.

[_She feigns to weep, in resentment of her former estate._

CAR. Alas! poor lady.

1ST BOY. Pitiful senator, if he have not drunk some coffee to

keep him waking, he will questionless fall asleep, or melt into

tears, before he delivers his sentence.

[_Aside._

PAL. Whence sprung this spring of infelicity?

Resolve us, madam.

FRI. From mine helpless match;

A tender stripling, whose unmanly chin

Had ne'er known razor, nor discover'd

A youthful down: yet his minority

Was by o'erpow'ring friends accounted fit

To match with my maturer growth; but time

Display'd their folly who enjoined me to't.

And (my misfortune most) light was his brain,

But weaker far his strength to satisfy

Those lawful nuptial heats which breathe[125] in us

An active fire. Now I appeal to you,

Judicious consuls.

2D BOY. Hold there, madam, under favour; these brave senators you

appeal to are more for execution than judgment.

[_Aside._

FRI. Could the patience

Of Grisel, were she living, reap content

In such enjoyments? Could she suffer youth,

Quicken'd with blooming fancy, to expire,

And quench her heat with such an useless snuff?

FLO. A match insufferable!

CAR. Opposing nature!

PAL. Nay, what in time would quite depopulate,

And make the world a desert.

SAL. Higher wrongs

Cannot inflicted be on womankind.

TIL. Nor aspersing more dishonour on that sex,

That most endearA"d sex, to which we owe

Ourselves and fortunes; for should their choice beauties

Suffer a pillage by desertless hands,

Forc'd to a loathed bed, and made a prey

To seared age, or to unripen'd youth:

How soon might these unparallel'd deities,

By fixing their affections on strange faces

And their more graceful posture, which they valued

Above their churlish consorts, become strangers

To their due spousal rites? How soon engage

Their honour to th' embraces of a servant

Of brave deportment, sprightly eyes, neat limbs:

A virile presence and a countenance

'Twixt Ajax and Adonis; neither fierce

Nor too effeminate, but mix'd 'twixt both:

Neither too light to scorn, nor stern to loathe.

'Twas this brought Troy to ruin; for had Helen

Espous'd where she had lov'd, poor Menelaus

Had ne'er been branch'd, nor Troy reduc'd to flames;

Nor Priam and his Hecuba [been] the grounds

Of sad succeeding stories.

1ST BOY. A gallant consult, trust me; he has got by heart the

ballad of "The Destruction of Troy" to a syllable.

[_Aside._

FLO. Honour'd colleague,

You show yourself both learn'd and eloquent.

Madam, be pleased to solace discontent

With a retir'd repose. We have discuss'd

And balanced the grandeur of your wrongs

In a judicious scale, and shall apply

Proper receipts to your aggrievances,

When we have heard the rest.

1ST BOY. Receipts of their own application, I warrant thee.

[_Aside._

CAR. Madam Caveare,

You here appear as a complainant too?

CAV. And none more justly: ne'er was woman match'd

To such a stupid, sottish animal:

One that's compos'd of nonsense, and so weak

In masculine abilities, he ne'er read

The "Wife of Bath's Tale," nor what thing might please

A woman best; my curtain-lectures have

No influence on him. I must confess

He's simply honest; but what's that to me?

He apprehends not what concerns a woman:

Nor what may suit her quality in state

And fit dimension.

CAR. A most unfitting husband!

CAV. It was my parents' caution, I remember;

But 'twas my sad fate not t' observe[126] that lesson--

Never to fix my fancy on a person

Who had no sage in's pate, lest progeny of fools

Should make my race unhappy: this has made

My thoughts mere strangers to his weak embraces;

Nor shall I e'er affect him.

FLO. Madam, no law

Would in the Spartan state enjoin a lady

So nobly accomplished to confine

Her fancy to such fury.

PAL. This objection

Admits no long debate.

SAL. Her rich deserts,

Adorn'd with such choice native faculties,

And grac'd with art to make them more complete,

In humane reason should exempt her youth

From such a servile yoke.

MOR. In ancient times,

When wisdom guarded senates, a decree,

Confirmed by public vote, enacted was,

That none should marry till he had observ'd

Domestic discipline; and first to bear

With a composed garb th' indignities

Of a Xantippe, if his fortune were

To cope with such a fury: and to calm

Her passion with his patience. Now, grave colleagues,

What comfort might this injur'd lady drain,

In these punctilios which import her state,

From this insensate sot?

TIL. Exchange his bed,

And sue his patent for the _Fatuano_;

And, to display him to his visitants

In clearer colours, let this motto be

Engraven on those walls, deep-ach'd with time,

"Defective in his head-piece, here he lies,

Object of scorn to all surveying eyes."

2D BOY. So, poor scatterbrain, he has got his judgment already.

[_Aside._

CAR. Praxiteles could ne'er portray him better,

Nor lodge his sconce more fitly. You may, madam,

Conceive how sensibly we feel your wounds,

And with what promptness we shall expedite

Your long-expected cure.

PAL. Madam Julippe,

You come next in rank; declare your griefs,

And if our judgments hold them meriting

Our just relief, we have compassionate hearts

And powerful hands to vindicate your wrongs

To th' utmost scruple.

JUL. If they weigh not heavy,

Let me incur your censure. Patriots--

For I appeal to your judicious bosoms,

Where serious justice has a residence

Mix'd with a pious pity--I shall unravel

The clue of my misfortunes in small threads,

Thin-spun as is the subtle gossamer.[127]

Deep wounds, like griefs, require contracted lines;

Few words, long sighs: accents that want express.

First give me leave one beamling to bestow

On my obscur'd, once glorious, family.

ALL. Madam, proceed; Fame made it eminent.

JUL. But now contemptive--by marrying one

Who bears the shape of man, and that is all:

A base, white-liver'd coward, whose regard

To his lost honour stamps him with that brand,

That hateful stigma, which humanity

Scorns as the basest complice.

PAL. Style it, madam.

JUL. Pusillanimity. That ranter breathes not,

Who with his peek'd mouchatoes[128] may not brave him,

Baffle, nay baste him out of his possessions.

His fortunes he esteems not, so his person

May be secur'd from beating.

ALL. Matchless coward!

JUL. Nor is this all. 'Has sought t' engage my bed,

My nuptial bed and honour--nay, those sheets

Where, I may safely vow, ne'er man lay in,

Beside my husband.

2D BOY. Very like; but how many when he was not there?

[_Aside._

FLO. No misfortune worse,

Nor humour hateful to a virile spirit,

Whereof your noble family partakes,

Than want of courage.

PAL. Tush, sir, that's not all.

Her line, in time, might grow degenerate,

And blanch the living memory of those

From whence she came.

CAV. There's none who here appears

Before you, conscript consuls, but can give

Store of evincing instances of this:

For matching with Sir Jasper Simpleton,

An hairbrain'd puppy, most of all my brood

Run like shell-headed lapwings in careers,

Just as their own supposed father did,

Simple Sir Jasper, whose small dose of sense

Proportion'd their discretion--till a change

Impregnated me more wisely.

FRI. So did I

Suffer in my raw, puny Amadin;

Though all my fears summ'd up their period,

And in it crown'd my wishes for one boy

(Who, while he lives, I think, will prove a boy),

I had by my young stripling, who can trace

His father's steps directly: all his games,

Wherein his lineal youth takes sole delight

Are yert-point, nine-pins, job-nut, or span-counter,

Or riding cock-horse, which his dad admires,

Smiling to see such horsemanship perform'd.

Now I appeal to you, whose judgments are

Maturely serious, if these tomboy tricks

Might not perplex me, and enforce me too,

To act what my affections prompt me do?

JOC. If one complain of the minority

Of her thin-downy consort, and you, madam,

Of his simplicity whom you have choos'd,

And you, Julippe, of his cowardice

Whom with averseness you have made your spouse,

What grounds of discontent may I conceive,

Unhappy Joculette, in my choice--

My nightly torture, whose embraces be

Worse than those snaky windings unto me,

Dipt in Medusa's charms.

CAR. Unbare your wound.

2D BOY. Nay, let that be the least of your fears; she'll do that

to a hair.

[_Aside._

JOC. Know, then, judicious consuls,

These arms are forc'd t' enwreathe a shapeless mass

Of all deformity, a bear unlick'd:

One whom Thersites, that disfigur'd Greek,

So far excell'd in native lineaments,

Proportion, feature, and complexion

(All rare attractives to the eye of love),

As amorous Narcissus in his prime

Surpass'd the roughest sylvan that the woods

E'er nurs'd or harbour'd. Yet enjoin'd am I

To hug this centaur, who appears to me

A prodigy in Nature.

ALL. 'Tis a fate

Exacts compassion, and deserves redress.

FLO. Such a complete and exquisite beauty

Accomplish'd in all parts!

CAR. Nay, qualifi'd

With rarity of arts to make her sex

With pious emulation to admire

Her choice perfections----

PAL. And all these obscur'd,

Soil'd, sullied, perish'd by th' immeriting touch

Of a misshapen boor!

SAL. Such precious gems,

Set in ignoble metals, cannot choose

But much detract from th' native graceful lustre,

Which they retain'd, by means of that base ore

Impales their orient splendour.

MOR. This is nothing

To th' injury her lineage may receive

From his deformity.

TIL. I must confess

That threat'neth much of danger: yet I read not

That Vulcan's poult foot or his smutted look

Black'ned with Lemnian sea-coal, brought the issue

Begot by Venus, if he any got,

To change their amorous physnomy.

MOR. He may thank

Mars for that active courtesy, or it had

Disfigur'd much his spurious progeny.

FLO. Well, madam, we compassionate your choice

In your Sir Gregory Shapeless, and shall find

A quick receipt to cure your discontent

With a new-moulded and more pleasing feature

Than your sad fate enjoys. Repose, till we

Have run through all your griefs, and felt your pulses.

2D BOY. For shame's sake, no further, my dainty doctors.

[_Aside._

FLO. With th' symptoms or gradations as they stream

In your desertless sufferings; paroxysms,

Or what extremes may most surprise your fancies:

In these our serious judgments shall supply

Such sov'reign cordials as you shall not need

No use nor application of more help

Than what we shall prepare. Let this suffice:

It rests in us to cure your maladies--

Excuse us, Madam Medler; these debates

Have kept us from discovery of your wrongs.

MED. Than which none more depressive--would you judge

Th' musician good that wants his instrument?

Or any artisan, who goes to work

Without provision of a proper tool,

To manage that employment? Modesty

Bids me conceal the rest: my secret wants

Require an active tongue; but womanhood

Enjoins me silence.

MOR. 'Las! I'm sensible

Of her aggrievance, ere her dialect

Can give it breath or accent.

MED. But you say--

And our experience has inform'd us, too--

In that essential truth, that we must first

Disclose our wounds, if we expect a cure:

Let your impartial judgments, then, give ear

To a distressed lady's just complaint.

In my first years, as now I am not old,

My friends resolved to supply a portion,

Which my descent (though good) could not afford,

To match my youth unto a man of age,

Whose nest was richly feather'd, stor'd of all

But native vigour, which express'd itself

As if all radical humour had been drench'd

In a chill shady bed of cucumbers

Before our nuptial night. Oft had I begg'd.

With sighs and tears, that this unequal match

Might be diverted; but it might not be.

The fulness of his fortunes winged them

To consummate the match: this pleased them,

But me displeas'd, whom it concerned most.

FLO. The issue, madam?

MED. None; nor ever shall

With that sear, suckless kex.

MOR. Never was lady

So rarely beautifi'd, so highly wrong'd.

CAR. What flinty worldling[s] were those friends of yours

To value fortunes more than your content!

PAL. To prostitute your honour to a clod

Of mould'red earth!

SAL. And in an icy bed

To starve your blooming comforts?

TIL. This exceeds

All spousal suffering, which preceding times

In our Italian stories ever read,

Or in their sable annals register'd.

FLO. Much of Sir Tristram Shorttool (so I think

Men call your husband) have I ofttimes heard,

And his penurious humour. But your wrongs

Were strangers to me, till your own relation

Display'd their quality; which to allay,

Nay, quite remove, transmit the care to us

And our directions, to supply your wants.

We should be just to all, but still retain

A bosom-pity to the weaker sex.

If we observ'd not this with tenderness,

We should not merit this judicial seat,

Whereto----

1ST BOY. These Dabrides rais'd you.

[_Aside._

TIL. Now, Madam Tinder, your aggrieves are last.

TIN. But not the least. What woman could endure

In spousal rights to have a stranger share

In her enjoyments? or remain depriv'd

Of her propriety by losing those

Appropriate dues which nature has ordain'd,

And sacred rights approv'd? You see I'm young,

And youth expects that tribute which our sex

May challenge by descent.

ALL. Her plea is good.

TIN. Would you not, reverend consuls, hold it strange

To see a savage, unconfined bull,

When th' pasture's fruitful, and the milk-pail full,

And all delights that might content a beast,

Range here and there, and break into those grounds

Which are less fertile, and where neither shade

Affords him umbrage, nor smooth-running brooks

Streams to allay his thirst: nay, where the grass,

Too strow[129] for fodder, and too rank for pasture,

Would generate more fatal maladies

Than a whole college of state empirics

Or country farriers had art to cure?

FLO. Such bullocks, madam, well deserve a baiting.

TIL. And beating too!

TIN. Yet this is my condition:

For marrying one Sir Reuben Scattergood,

A person in appearance like enough,

And well-dispos'd for aught my watchful eyes

Could long discover; but, his father dead,

And his revenues by his death swol'n great,

His nuptial bed he leaves, and entertains

Such mercenary prostitutes as fancy--

His loose-exposed fancy--lur'd him to.

CAR. Injurious ribald!

PAL. Hateful libertine!

TIL. Had she been old, or crook'd, or any way

Deform'd.

SAL. Or ill-condition'd.

MOR. Or averse,

When he was active.

FLO. Or run retrograde

To his just pleasures: these might have abridg'd

And weaken'd his affection. But when beauty,

Composed temper, and a graceful presence,

Cloth'd both with majesty and a sweet smile

Of such attractive quality, as the adamant

Cannot more virtually enforce its object,

Than these impressive motives of content:

He merits not the title of a man,

Much less the embraces of so choice a spouse,

Who violates his faith, deceives her trust.

CAR. I am directly, sir, of your opinion.

PAL. So I.

MOR. And I.

ALL. So all of us concur,

To make our judgments more unanimous.

TIN. And, to confirm't, may you be pleas'd to give

Attention to a story I shall tell,

As true as strange, to manifest th' affronts

My patience has endur'd, and to what height

His luxury ascended.

ALL. Madam, do;

We shall lend ready ears to your discourse.

TIN. It chanc'd one day,--and ofttimes so it chanc'd,

For doubtful thoughts have ever jealous eyes,--

That my suspicion had begot a fear

That my neglectful husband had a kindness,

And more than usual, unto my maid--

A proper maid, if so she might be call'd:

Now, to possess myself whether those grounds

Whereon I built might just inducements be

Of my late-hatch'd fears, I made pretence,

(What is it jealousy will not design?)

To go from home. But this was no recede,

But a retire: for in the ev'ning-time,

When these two amorous pair expected least

Such an unwelcome visit, I repair'd

To a close arbour set with sycamores,

The tamarisk, and sweet-breath'd eglantine,

That local object which I fix'd upon,

Not of myself, but by direction,

Where I found out what I suspected long:

Such wanton dalliance as the Lemnian smith

Never discover'd more, when he prepar'd

His artful net t' enwreath his Eriena

Impal'd in Mars his arms.

ALL. Could you contain

Your passion in such Aretine a posture?

TIN. With much reluctancy I did indeed,

Curbing my temper, which was much enrag'd,

With this too mild expression, "Fie, for shame!

Minion, I'll have none of this work, not I."

"You may, when it is offer'd you," said he.

1ST BOY. Ha, ha, ha! this was a bold-fac'd niggler;[130] trust

me, wag.

[_Aside._

FLO. Was't not enough for him t' enjoy his pleasure,

But he must jeer you too?

CAR. As if you were

A stale to his light dalliance!

PAL. Or a scorn to his embraces!

Was her servile beauty,

Expos'd to sale, dishonour of her sex,

To be compar'd to yours?

SAL. Whose native splendour,

Without the help of art, which makes complexion

By borrow'd colours much unlike itself:

May challenge a prerogative i' th' rank

Of our completest features.

MOR. It seems strange,

How you could brook th' affront without revenge

On that insulting prostitute.

TIL. No doubt

She would take hold of opportunity

By th' foretop, and repair her pressing wrongs

By private satisfactions; which works best,

When their revenge seems sleeping and at rest.

This lady would not rate her worth so small,

As to forego both use and principal.

2D BOY. No, reverend favourite, you will find this madam Spitfire

of a keener metal than so. She's right tinder: no sooner touch

than take.

[_Aside._

FLO. Ladies, we've heard your different complaints,

Forcing our just compassion and resolves

To tender your condition, and redress.

What may the purport be of your petition,

Relating to your grievances?

ALL-LADIES. A freedom

From our disrelish'd beds.

ALL-PLATONICS. 'Tis granted you.

LADIES. With alimony to support our state

In this division.

PLAT. Your suit is just;

Should we oppose it, we might wrong ourselves.

1ST BOY. Very likely; for they mean to be made whole sharers both

in their persons and personal estates. This is brave judicial

brokage.

[_Aside._

FLO. Speak, fellow-colleagues, shall I limit them,

What we in justice hold expedient

For th' alimonal charge proportion'd them,

And in what measure to supply their wants?

ALL. Do so, Florello; we shall second it.

FLO. Thus, I conceive, these ladies have resign'd

Their title, property and interest,

In whole and not in part, which they enjoy'd

In their defective husbands. Were't not just

In lieu o' th' whole, which they have here disclaim'd,

That they should seize upon the moiety

Of their revenues, whom they've here deserted

As useless instruments unto the state?

PLAT. A just proportion.

LADIES. We submit to it.

2D BOY. And so ye may well, if your husbands will yield to't.

1ST BOY. These be nimble shavers, Nick, as well as sharers;

they know how to cut large thongs out of other folks'

leather.[131]

[_Aside._

FLO. This crowns our wishes, when with joint consent

We close our votes, and render you content.

CAR. Dismount, dismount, let's exercise no more

These purple seats; their stories stand too high

For our ascent: only let's thus much know,

Whether our parts were acted well or no.

[_They descend._

LADIES. Above expectance. Singular in all,

But best in your conclusion.

FRI. You did well

In your proportioning of our alimony,

Moulded to th' moiety of their estates

Whom we have justly left; but we had less

Allotted us in more authentic courts.

PAL. That was not in our verge to regulate.

CAV. Nor skills it much; we have a competence

Aspiring to exceedings; and in this

More bless'd, because exempted from those bonds,

Which our long servitude enchain'd us to.

FLO. Of consuls, then, which title we usurp'd

To cheer your fancies, we shall now become

Your servants, confidants, or favourites,

Or how you please to style us. We are all

Affianc'd yours: firm as the solid rock

In your reserved councils, and what may

Hold correspondence with your interests,

But soft and malleable as liquid amber

In its resolving temper, when delight

Shall sport it in your bosom, and admit

A sociable dalliance.

FRI. Your free discourse,

Grounded on former proofs of constancy,

Has so endear'd me, I am wholly yours.

CAV. Madam, we mean not you shall have it so:

You've broke the ice, and we will trace your steps.

Former experience has engaged me

To fix on my Caranto.

JUL. Palisado shall

Enjoy my love.

JOC. I for my Salibrand.

MED. Morisco mine.

TIN. Tinder shall Tilly's be.

TIL. Pure tender Tinder of affection,

The new-blown bloom, that craves a native warmth

To cherish its young growth, shall not receive

More solace from those orient rays which shine

On its fresh-springing beauty, than your choice

Shall in my dear embraces.

TIN. I shall try you.

1ST BOY. Thus walks the poor gentlemen's revenues to raise these

doxies' alimony: and thus runs their alimony to feed these

youngsters' riot.

[_Aside._

PLA. Our joy's completed. Seal this joint conveyance

With those ambrosiac signets of your lips.

[_They kiss._

"One house did hold, one house shall hold us twain;

Once did we kiss, and we will kiss again."

2D BOY. How turtle-like they couple!

[_Aside._

SCENE VI.

_Upon these Platonics' private parlance, dalliance, and

embraces of the Ladies, Enter_ SIR AMADIN PUNY, SIR

JASPER SIMPLETON, SIR ARTHUR HEARTLESS, SIR GREGORY

SHAPELESS, SIR TRISTRAM SHORTTOOL, SIR REUBEN

SCATTERGOOD, _in a melancholy, discontented mood, with

their hats over their eyes_.

SIR AMA. Is this th' platonic law, all things in common?

SIR JAS. Must all forego their wives that are not wise?

SIR ART. Or be divorc'd, because we dare not fight?

SIR GRE. Or lose our mates, because we are not handsome?

SIR TRIS. Nay, 'cause we are not arm'd so well as others be,

Forfeit our consort and our fortunes too?

SIR REU. Yes, that's the plague on't. Lose a light-heeled trull--

That in my judgment's nothing; but to lose all

Or moiety of that all, or any part at all

For a poor nifling[132] toy that's worse than nothing,

'Tis this that nettleth me! I must confess

Tinder, that light-skirt, with impetuous heat

Sometimes pursu'd me, till that quenchless fire

Burst into flames of boundless jealousy,

Which cross'd mine humour; for variety

Relish'd my palate. Phoenix' brains be rare;

But if our dishes had no other fare,

They would offend the stomach, and so sate it,

As grosser meats would give a better taste:

Such was my surfeit to a marriage-bed;

My fortunes I prefer before her beauty,

Or what may most content the appetite.

Money will purchase wenches; but this want--

This roguish thing called want--makes wanton thoughts

Look much unlike themselves: 'tis this white metal

Enliveneth spirits, knits our arteries

Firm as Alcides. He that binds himself

Apprentice to his wife merely for love,

May he, pen-feathered widgeon, forfeit's freedom,

With whatsoe'er is dearest to the vogue

Of his affections. She were a rare piece

That could engage me, or oblige me hers

With all those ceremonial rites which Flamens use

To Hymen's honour. Beauty, still say I,

Will breed a surfeit, be it ne'er so choice

Nor eye-attractive. I should choose a grave

Before one mistress all mine interest have.

O my alimony, alimony! this is the goad that only prickles me.

PLA. Those be your husbands, ladies;--how pitifully they look?

LADIES. Alas, poor cuckolds!

KNIGHTS. Ladies, we were sometimes your husbands.

[_These Platonics discover the Knights, and scornfully eye

them._

LADIES. True,

You were so: but your known defects have raz'd

That style of wedlock, and enfranchis'd us

From that tyrannic yoke. We're now our own;

Nor shall our beds by you be henceforth known.

SIR AMA. What have I done?

FRI. Nothing, Sir Amadin.

And that's sufficient to divide us two.

Your puny years must grow in strength and sinews

To prove you man, before you can partake

In my enjoyments; the court has so decreed,

And by resentment of that injury

Your blooming youth, unripened for delight,

Has done to me, your hapless virgin bride,

Held fit to number me amongst these ladies,

All different sufferers; and for supportance

(As everything, you know, would gladly live)

Allots us alimony.

FLO. So his score is paid.

[_Aside._

SIR JAS. Madam, look on Sir Jasper.

CAV. Honest simpleton,

And so I will, just as the fowler is wont

On a catch'd dottrel; till your wasted brain

Rise to more growth, I from my widow'd bed

Will rise untouch'd: these breasts shall never give

Their nursing teats unto a brood of fools.

CAR. So, good Sir Jasper, you've your doom in

folio.[133]

[_Aside._

SIR ART. Receive me, dear Julippe.

JUL. For what end?

Have you stol'n from your colours? O, I hate

A coward worser than a maidenhead

Basely bestow'd. These Paphlagonian birds--

These heartless partridges--shall never nestle

Under my feathers. Till your spirit revive,

And look like man, disclaim your interest

And injur'd title in Julippe.

PAL. So;

He must first learn to fight, ere she to love.

[_Aside._

JOC. What would Sir Gregory?

SIR GRE. That you would love me.

JOC. No; you must cast your slough first: can you see

Ought in yourself worth loving? Have you ever,

Since our unhappy meeting, us'd a glass,

And not been startled in the sad perusal

Of your affrightful physnomy? Sir, hear me;

And let me beg your patience, if you hear

Aught may disrelish you. When th' camel shall

Trans-shape himself into a nimble weasel,

Or such-like active creature, and this bunch,

Which Nemesis has on your shoulders pitch'd

(This bunch of grapes, I mean) shall levell'd be,

[_She lays her hand upon his shoulders._

And brought into proportion by a press

Equally squeezing, till it shall retain

Adonis' feature, I shall value you,

And hug you for my consort. But till then

Excuse my strangeness.

SAL. So; his cause is heard:

He must unshape himself to gain her love.

MED. Sir Tristram Shorttool, have you ought to do

In this pursuit of fancy?

SIR TRIS. Something, madam.

MED. But to small[134] purpose. Sir Tristram, you have been

A man of reading, and on winter nights

You told me tales (for that was all[135] you did),

What strange adventures and what gallant acts

Redoubted knights did for their ladies' sakes;

But what did you for Medler all the while?

Did you e'er toss a pike or brandish blade

For her dear sake? Go to, I shall conceal,

And with a modest, bashful veil enshroud

What sense bids me discover. Let me, sir,

Advise you as a friend; for other styles,

Relating to an husband, I shall never

Henceforth resent them with a free comply:

Love suits not well with your decrepit age;

Let it be your chief care t' intend your health;

Use caudles, cordials, julips, pectorals;

Keep your feet warm; bind up your nape o' th' neck

Close against chilling airs, that you may live

An old man long; but take especial care

You button on your nightcap.

MOR. After th' new fashion

With his loave-ears[136] without it.

[_Aside._

MED. This is all--

Only your absence.

MOR. So good night, Sir Tristram.

[_Aside._

SIR REU. Sweet Madam Tinder.

[SIR REUBEN _offers to kiss her_.

TIN. Keep your distance, sir;

I love not to be touch'd.

SIR REU. Are you so hot,

My tender tinder?

TIN. No, sir; look to the clime

Where you inhabit; there's the torrid zone.

TIL. Yea, there goes the hare[137] away!

[_Aside._

SIR REU. Can you not love?

TIN. Not one that loves so many.

SIR REU. 'Las, pretty peat!

[_Offers to touch her._

TIN. Pray, sir, hold off your hand;

Truck with your low-pric'd traders; I must tell you

Mine honour's higher rated.

SIR REU. Be it so;

I wish you would disclaim your alimony

With that indiff'rent touch as you do love,

You should not need a dispensation, madam;

It should be granted unpetitioned!

TIN. I'm confident it would; nor shall the coolness

Of your affection bring me to an ebb

Of favour with myself. Plant where you please,

I'll henceforth scorn to hug my own disease.

TIL. So, Sir Reuben's despatched, and, like a ranger, may

tappis[138] where he likes.

[_Aside._

SIR REU. But hark you, madam; what be these brave blades

That thus accoutre you? Are they your Platonics,

Hectors, or champion-haxters,[139] pimps or palliards,

Or your choice cabinet-confidants?

TIN. You may exact accompt from them.

SIR REU. No, but I will not;

Long since I've heard a proverb made me wise,

And arm'd me cap-a-pie 'gainst such accounts:

"Whos'e'er he be that tugs with dirty foes,

He must be soil'd, admit he win or lose."

TIN. Shall I acquaint them with your adage, sir?

SIR REU. Do, if you please.

TIN. No, sir, I am too tender

Of your endanger'd honour. Should a baffle

Engage your fame, and I the instrument,

It would disgust me.

SIR REU. You are wondrous kind;

But, pray you, tell me, is this favourite,

Or turnkey of your council, in the rank

Of generous Hectors? I would be resolv'd,

For it concerns me.

TIN. Pray, good sir, as how?

SIR REU. Since 'tis my fate, I would be branched nobly,

Lest mine adulterate line degenerate,

And raze the ancient splendour of mine house,

As many noble families have done

By mixing with inferior apple-squires,

Grooms, pages, ushers, which in time begot

Such middle wits in this our middle region,

None could distinguish them from Corydons,

Nor well discover whence they might derive

Their prime descent, unless it were by th' crest

Their footmen wore, or what their coach presented

In its rear quarter. All your Sir Reuben begs

Aims mainly at your honour's privilege,

Which shielded, I'm secure; and it is this:

"Let choice hands meddle with your tinder-box!"

TIN. Make that your least of fears. We'll keep our fame,

Amidst this freedom, still unblemished.

KNIGHTS. So we have all receiv'd their final answers.

SIR REU. Now[140] do I mean to draw up my rejoinder.

"He who will lose his wits or break his heart

For such a wench as will not take his part,

And will not shun what he may safely fly,

May he a Bedlam or a beggar die!"

KNIGHTS. Farewell, inconstant ladies.

LADIES. Adieu, constant Acteons.

[_Exeunt omnes, the Ladies ushered in by their Confidants._

ACT III., SCENE 1.

_Enter_ TWO CITIZENS.

1ST CIT. Is it for certain that the duke's voyage holds for

Salamanca?

2D CIT. No doubt on't; his resolution is so firmly fixed no

motion can decline it; and if we may credit Fame (which seldom

errs in all, though it exceed in many), never was fleet more

bravely rigged, better prepared, nor with more military strength

furnished, nor more virile spirits accompanied, nor by more

expert commanders at any time since the battle of Lepanto

conducted.

1ST CIT. It was thought he would not personally have engaged

himself in this adventure, but have deputed some experienced

general for perfecting this grand design, and imposing a final

period to an action of such high consequence.

2D CIT. 'Tis true: but those many aggrievances, aggravated with

numerous petitions presented by our Seville merchants, wrought

such strong effects upon the sweet, compassionate nature of the

good duke, as endeared that[141] resentment, which he retained

upon those merchants' relation, touching the infinitely

surcharging losses which they had suffered through the hostile

piracy of the Salamancans, as he made a solemn vow to engage

himself in their quarrel, and either revenge the injuries and

indignities they had sustained, or seal his just desires with the

sacrifice of his dearest life.

1ST CIT. Were the merchant-losses great?

2D CIT. In shipping infinite, and by accomptants of approved

trust computed to many millions; for, besides vessels of lesser

burthen in one sea-voyage being driven by contrary winds upon the

coasts of Calabria, they lost at one time The Panther,

Libbard,[142] Bugle, Antelope, caracts[143] of great and

formidable sail, such as would have made their party good against

all assailants, had they not been dispersed and weakened by

violent tempests, besides the unexpected hurricane, which dashed

all the endeavours of the best pilots that all their fleet

afforded: yet, reduced to this strait and sad exigent, they found

no islander so compassionate as to pity their deplorable

condition, but rather such as were ready to add fresh affliction

to their late suffering, by seizing on whatsoever remained

estimable in their freeborn vessels, and exposing them, without

the least remonstrance of humanity or civil hospitality, to the

mercy of the winds. This it was which winged the duke to this

expedition, choosing, as report goes, the Revenge for his

ship-of-war, and that only man-of-war wherein he means to steer

his course, return his errand, and requite his quarrel.

1ST CIT. The duke's a person of a gallant spirit.

2D CIT. I dare affirm it, sir, that the state of Seville was

never with more prowess, prudence, nor martial policy at any time

managed, which not only his prosperous exploits abroad (than

which none were more successive[144]), but likewise his vigilant

care and command at home, may sufficiently manifest. For his late

declaration under his great seal has discovered the incomparable

zeal he had of serving both court and city, in commanding all

such useless and incommodious weeds as trepanners, tarpaulins,

with all our abusively entitled Hectors, that they should by a

peremptory day depart the city and line of communication in

relation to the court: since which time they have resolved, for

want of better supplies, to hazard the remainder of their broken

fortunes upon a desperate adventure for Tunis.

1ST CIT. In such glorious designs, levelling at honour, they

declare themselves really Hectors.

_Enter a_ MARINER.

2D CIT. What news, Segasto?

MAR. The duke's upon his march, and near approaching.

1ST CIT. How quick's his spirit to redress our wrongs!

[CITIZENS _stand aside_.[145]

SCENE II.

_Trumpets and kettle-drums sounding, with other martial music

usually observed in that country._

_Enter_ DUKE EUGENIO, _Officers, and Soldiers with colours

displayed_.

DUKE. Thus far on our address![146] May prosperous gales

Breathe on our sails: sails, on our just designs

In vindicating of our country's fame,

Too long impair'd by suffering injuries;

Till which redress'd, our honour lies at stake,

And we made aliens to our own estate.

March on then bravely, that it may appear

"Our courage can revenge as well as bear."

[_They march over the stage with trumpets, fifes, drums, and

colours, and go out; manentibus civibus._

1ST CIT. This gallant resolve of the duke, pursued with such

alacrity, can never be sufficiently admired; and to engage his

person, too, in so perilous adventure!

2D CIT. And all this in vindication of the merchants' honour, and

their interest.

1ST CIT. Trust me, he appears bravely.

2D CIT. His disposition from his youth foretold

What's manhood would assay----whence comes this noise?

_Enter_ BOY.

BOY. Room for our bravoes, cadets! they march along in ranks and

files; their pockets grow shallow; the taverns and ordinaries

they vow to be infidels, so as they have enlisted themselves

soldiers of fortune.

1ST CIT. These be those trepanners whom the duke

Has proscribed, or I mistake it.

Let us observe their posture.

SCENE III.

_Enter_ CAPTAIN, TREPANNERS, TARPAULINS, _with other

runagadoes, orderly marching, and in the rear_, BENHADAD,

_a Quaker, with tobacco-pipes_.

1ST TRE. Rouse, buckets and tubs! Hey for Tunis and Argiers.[147]

CAPT. Keep your ranks, my comrades, and fight valiantly.

2D TRE. What else, captain? We cheated before for nothing, and

now, having nothing, we mean to fight for something.

3D TRE. 'Slid, bullies, I think the duke has done us a pleasure.

1ST TRE. Pray thee, how, boy?

3D TRE. I'll tell thee the short and long on't. Before, if any of

us had been so valiant (as few of us were) as to borrow money on

the highway, we were sometimes forced to repay it at the gibbet:

but the world is turned upside down; if we get it, we may keep

it, and never answer for it.

1ST TRE. Hey, boy, art thou in that lock?[148] But, noble

lance-presado,[149] let us have a sea-sonnet, before we launch

forth in our adventure-frigate. They say the syrens love singing.

CAPT. Agreed, wags. But which shall we have?

1ST TRE. That old catch of Tunis and Argiers; good captain, it

suits best with our voyage.

CAPT. To't then, my Hectors; and keep your _elas_[150] as you do

your march. The syrens will not relish you, if you sing out o'

tune.[151]

THE SEA-SONG.[152]

CAPT. _To Tunis and to Argiers, boys!

Great is our want, small be our joys.

Let's then some voyage take in hand

To get us means by sea or land.

Come, follow me, my boys, come follow me,

And if thou die, I'll die with thee._

[_They join in the close._

_Hast thou a wife? I have one too,

And children some, as well as thou;

Yet who can see his brats to starve

So long as he has strength to serve?

Come, follow me, my cubs, come follow me,

And if thou die, I'll die with thee._

[_He fixeth his eyes as upon objects in a landskip._

_Methinks, my boys, I see the store

Of precious gems and golden ore;

Arabian silks and sables pure

Would make an haggard stoop to th' lure.

Come, follow me, &c._

_No worthless mind e'er honour sought;

Let's fight as if we feared nought.

If bullets fly about our ears,

Let's laugh at death, and banish fears.

Come, follow me, &c._

_And if thou canst not live so stench,[153]

But thou must needs enjoy thy wench,

If thou, my boy, such pleasure crave,

A dainty doxy thou shalt have.

Come, follow me, &c._

_Courage, my sparks, my knights o' th' sun;

Let Seville fame what we have done.

We'd better ten times fight a foe

Than once for all to Tyburn go.

Come, follow me, &c._

_Come, let's away, mount, march away;

This calm portends a prosperous day.

When we return, it shall be said

That by our voyage we are made.

Come, follow me, &c._

_But if we ne'er again return,

Enclose our ashes in an urn,

And with them spice a wassal-cup,

And to Good Fellows drink it up.

Come, follow me, &c._

_Which health, when it is gone about,

And stoutly set their foot unto't,

No doubt they shall enrolled be

I' th' Book of Fame, as well as we.

Come, follow me, spruce sprigs, come follow me,

And, if thou fall, I'll fall with thee._

_Enter a rank of_ TARPAULINS, _pressed for the same adventure,

marching over the stage, and joining in the catch, an

health-cup in the leader's hand_.

TAR. _When this grand health is gone about,

Where you as stoutly stood unto't,

Doubt not you shall recorded be

I' th' Book of Fame, as well as we.

March after me, &c._

_And when this bowl shall run so round

Your legs can stand upon no ground,

Fear not, brave blades,[154] but you shall be

Sworn brothers made as well as we.

March after me, &c._

_No other obsequies we crave,

Nor quaint inscriptions on our grave;

A simple shroud's a soldier's share,

Which if he want he needs not care.

March after me, &c._

_Such vails are all we wish at last,

Which if we want, the care is past.

This done, to think of us were just--

Who drink not get[155] as dry as dust.

March after me, &c._

_While you act what we did before,

Discharge with chalk[156] the hostess' score;

And if the hussy[157] challenge more,

Charm th' maundring gossip with your roar.

March after me, we'll frolic be,

And, if thou die, I'll die with thee._

SCENE IV.

BENHADAD _furiously accosts them_.

BEN. I proclaim you all Edomites; dragooners of Dagon; ding-dongs

of Dathan! A generation of vipers!

1ST TRE. No, father Benhadad, your gravity is mistaken grossly;

we are rather a generation of pipers!

[_They smoke tobacco._

2D TRE. Go to, holy Benhadad; stand you to your calling as we to

our arms. Thou art for converting the Great Turk, and we for

lining our pockets with Tunis gold. Where if we get our design,

hold to thy principles, but no further than thou canst maintain

them, and we shall create thee our household chaplain.

_Enter_ MARINER.

MAR. To sea, to sea! the winds are prosperous.

CAPT. And may we prosper with them! So farewell Seville and her

dainty doxies.

ALL. Ran-tan! hey for Tunis and Argiers!

[_Exeunt colours displayed, with fifes and drums._

1ST CIT. Such was the duke's care to remove those weeds,

Whose fatal growth might choke maturer seeds.

2D CIT. Good governors wise gardeners imitate:

These cheer their plants; those steer a planted state.

[_Exeunt._

TRIL. [_From the high gallery._] I cannot, gentlemen, contain

myself.

TIM. Thy genius has surpass'd itself;

Thy scene is richly various: prease on still;

These galleries applaud thy comic skill.

[_He takes his seat again._

SCENE V.

_Enter_ CONSTABLE _and_ WATCH, _in rug gowns, bills, and dark

lanthorns_.

CON. Come along with your horns, my lads of metal. It was the

duke's pleasure before his departure, that we should be appointed

the sinks and sentinels of the city, and that none shall have

ingress, egress, or regress but by our special authority and

favour. But, harm watch, harm catch: for my part, since I crept

into this office, I am woven into such a knot of good fellowship,

as I can watch no more than a dormouse: nay, I am verily

persuaded, if I hold constable long, the deputy of the ward will

return me one of the Seven Sleepers. But let me advise you, my

birds of the Capitol, that you walk not after my example: be it

your care to watch, while I sleep. Many eyes are upon you; but my

eyes grow heavy; my day's society bids me take a nap.

WATCH. But one word, good master, before you drop into your

slumber: report goes, that there be spirits that patrol

familiarly in this sentry; what shall we say to them, if they

pass by?

CON. Bid them stand.[158]

WATCH. But what if they either cannot or will not?

CON. Let them then take themselves to their heels, and thank God

you are so well rid of them.

WATCH. One word more, good constable, and then good night. Be

these the spirits that allure our children with spice and

trinkets to their schippers, and so convey them to th'

Bermudas?[159]

CON. In no wise, neighbours; these spirits come from the low

countries: and though at first sight very frightful, yet,

appearing unarmed, they become less fearful.

1ST WATCH. Nay, if these pretty familiars come to our guard

naked,[160] we shall prove hard enough for them.

2D WATCH. Well, neighbour Rugweed, let us not presume too far on

our strength: these spirits be a dangerous kind of whifflers,

and, like our Robin Goodfellows, will play their legerdemain

tricks, scudding here and there in a trice, and nimbly snap you,

when least suspected.

SCENE VI.

_Enter_ GALLERIUS' GHOST.

From the Cinnerian depth here am I come

Leaving an Erra Pater in my tomb,

To take a view, which of my fellows be

The thriving'st artists in astronomy.

Rank one by one in astrologic row,

And dying see, whom thou didst living know.

[_He makes his figure._

Mount, gainful Crinon; for to thee we give,

As thou deserv'st, the sole prerogative:

For thy divining lines have purchas'd more

Than all our prime professors got before.

Jason won much at Colchis; but thy gain

Has lin'd thy shoulders in a Swedish chain.

Rich divination! But what's knowledge worth,

If people do not credit what's set forth?

[Sidenote: _Omnia temporibus cecinit Cassandra futuris. QuA|

ventura suis--via unquam credita Teucris Melitus._]