_House of Commons, Monday, February 27._--"Am thinking, TOBY," said RIGBY,
just now, "of applying for Chiltern Hundreds. Parliament isn't quite the
place I pictured to myself when I fought for a seat. Of course I've done
pretty well. To be made SOLICITOR-GENERAL right off, with WADDY around, and
WILLIS still in prime of life and energy, was a fine thing. But House seems
perversely inclined to accept me as a joke, and that's not the sort of
thing I'm accustomed to at Chancery Bar. Look what happened the other
night, when, in my learned brother RUSSELL'S absence, I answered questions.
Did it in my best, most imposing, and conclusive style. Kept my eye on
SPEAKER throughout, to see how he'd take it. Effect most satisfactory. You
know I make CHITTY sit up, and NORTH tremble. They, to certain extent, used
to it; all new to SPEAKER, and told accordingly. Was really fascinated
myself. I frowned at him, pursed my mouth, wrinkled my forehead, squared my
jaw, sometimes lowered my voice into my boots, anon uplifted it above where
my wig ought to have been. Being my first appearance at table, thought it
worth while to make an effort. Judging from SPEAKER'S limp appearance
towards conclusion of my remarks, felt I had done it. Suddenly curious
noise, that I'm told is known as a titter, interrupted me, and, before I
had quite finished, there was a boisterous roar of laughter."
"Oh, come," I said, "you mustn't take that too much to heart. House will
have its joke, and, if you won't make it, it sometimes makes it round you,
using you as lay-figure. Your voice and manner in answering simple
matter-of-fact question, were perhaps a size or so too large. But you'll
get the hang of the place by-and-by, and will be all right."
"I don't think so," said SOLICITOR-GENERAL, sadly. "Look again what
happened just now. House unexpectedly goes into Committee. Can't find
MELLOR. 'You take the Chair,' says the SQUIRE; 'you'll fill it admirably.'
No time for hesitation; I take the Chair; Clerk claps Bill into my hand. I
say, 'Question is, that I do report progress, and ask leave to sit again.'
Shouts of 'Aye,' and 'No.' 'I think the Ayes have it,' I say, in deep
chest-notes, with persuasive fall of eyebrows. 'The Noes have it!' they
shout. Very well; first duty of Chairman is to be impartial; so _I_ say,
'The Noes have it.' Again they roar with laughter. WOODALL, in charge of
Bill, feels for sword of Financial Secretary to War Office. Fortunately,
can't find it. Otherwise, Chair of Committees might have been steepled with
my gore. What shall I do next? 'Put question again,' Clerk hoarsely
whispered. 'Question is, that I do report progress, and ask leave to sit
again. Those who are of that opinion say Aye; the contrary, No. I think the
Ayes have it.' That would at least get me out of the Chair, and you
certainly won't find me asking for leave to sit again. But what follows? In
all parts of the House, just now opposing progress, hilarious shout of 'No!
No!' rises up. That means I'm to go on with the Bill; but I know if I
declare 'the Noes have it,' they'll turn round to the 'Ayes.' So, after
standing for moment irresolutely, Bill in hand, I'm not ashamed to say I
bolted from table, taking Bill with me. House roared louder than ever. Seem
to have discovered excellent joke. But I don't see it, TOBY. If this is
House of Commons life, give me the dignity and quiet of the Chancery Bar."
Quite a procession of new Members took their seats on election. Honours of
the day with HARRY LAWSON, who, after stubborn fight, has won Cirencester.
As young HARRY, with his beaver on, marched to table, Liberals temporarily
relieved themselves from imputation that they don't know how to cheer.
_Business done._--Local Veto Bill brought in.
* * * * *
[Illustration: APPLYING FOR THE CHILTERN HUNDREDS.]
_Tuesday Night._--"It's a natural temptation," said CHARLES RUSSELL, "for
the human mind to believe that Mr. G.'s latest performance at table of
House of Commons excels all he has done before. There is a phrase--you are
probably familiar with it in HORACE--which speaks of the _Laudator temporis
acti_. But the other impulse is certainly, in this connection, quite as
strong, I, therefore, hesitate to affirm that that's the best speech Mr. G.
ever made; but certainly it's among the best."
[Illustration: Young Harry obtaining his Majority on Coming of Age in the
Parliamentary Time.]
It was on Bimetallism. Like olives and claret, Bimetallism quite an
acquired taste; ordinary Member will have none of it; flees House when
subject announced. In the Parliamentary world, Bimetallism supplies part of
the BROWNING or IBSEN cult known out-of-doors. Analogy accurate inasmuch,
that whilst mass of mankind are averse to contemplation of topic, the few
faithful pass all ordinary bounds in the enthusiasm of their worship. Thus,
for upwards of hour to-night, MEYSEY-THOMPSON handled it as if he loved it.
MONTAGU, whilst musically jingling in trowser-pocket handful of
newly-minted sovereigns, equally adulatory. Then Mr. G. walked in. It was
reasonably thought in advance that Bimetallism would prove too much even
for the charm of his oratory. Had evidently come down unprepared for
special effort; neither sheaf of notes nor pomatum-pot. He listened to
mover and seconder, and then just talked to entranced House, crowding up in
every corner. Quite surprised, as Mr. G. was himself when he sat down, to
find he'd been talking for an hour.
_Business done._--House declares by 229 votes against 148, will have
nothing to do with Bimetallism.
* * * * *
_Wednesday._--Hear a very pleasant thing in connection with an old friend.
Am told that as soon as Local Veto Bill passes into law, WILFRID LAWSON is
to be raised to the Peerage.
"Why not?" asks SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. "On the principle that the Devil
shouldn't have all the good tunes suitable for WESLEY'S hymns, why should
the Trade have the monopoly of the Peerage? Why shouldn't there be a
Viscount APPOLINARIS as well as a Baron BASS, a Lord BARLEYWATER to pair
off with a Baron BARLEYCORN? Let us drink (in toast-and-water), health and
long life to Lord BARLEYWATER of Brayton!"
_Business done._--In discussion on Irish National Education Bill GRANDOLPH
effects little surprise. Been running admirably in double harness with
Prince ARTHUR. This afternoon suddenly jibs; nearly upsets coach.
* * * * *
_Friday_, 1 A.M.--"Begin to think, TOBY," said Prince ARTHUR, as we walked
home together in the moonlight, "that we shall scotch this Home-Rule Bill
yet. Expectation only just dawned on me. When I went down to House in the
afternoon, was of different opinion. Had philosophically settled down to
acceptance of inevitable. Might maim it a bit in Committee; play with it so
as to block off other business, and send it up to Lords at so late period
of Session that they would seem justified in throwing it out, on score of
inadequate time to discuss it. Now I think we shall go one better. COURTNEY
thought he could serve Unionist cause better from standpoint below Gangway.
The supremest service he could render to that cause was effected when he
created vacancy in Chair."
"Don't you think," I said, "they were a little hard on MELLOR? Wasn't the
sport something after the fashion of the gallant emprise in Windsor Park
with the carted stag? And then the merry sportsmen didn't give the new
Chairman the ordinary courtesy of a fair start and a little run."
"Oh," said Prince ARTHUR, "if you put it in that way, of course there's
something to be said. But all is fair in hate and war. Mr. G. should have
thought of that before he got rid of COURTNEY. Our business is to stop
Home-Rule Bill from passing, and after to-night the way is clear, and the
goal certain."
_Business done._--New Chairman baited for an hour by Westminster Clock.
Before the lawless, disorderly squabble about Law and Order in County
Clare, regular foot-ball scrimmage, in which SAUNDERSON naturally turned
up. In one of the pauses the Colonel dropped into poetry? could hear him
crooning to himself:--
There's Justice O'BRIEN of Clare,
How rare!
'Tis little for justice they care
Down there!
They're choke full of crimes,
(So at least says the _Times_),
And they've got no policemen to spare,
How quare!
They've got no policemen to spare.
_Friday Night._--Seems, after all, MELLOR quite right in his ruling
yesterday. Point was that, on supplementary Estimate, you may not debate
questions of policy settled when original vote agreed to. Prince ARTHUR
denounced this as absolutely novel principle. CHAMBERLAIN kept game up from
other side, and for full hour conviction borne in upon new Chairman that
life not worth living. SPEAKER, appealed to to-day, declares MELLOR to have
been in the right. Report of Select Committee on Estimates. Procedure cited
to show COURTNEY categorically laid down the principle challenged, and
systematically acted upon it.
[Illustration: Irish National Football Match.]
"Yes," said SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, reflectively stroking his chin, "and
COURTNEY might have got up and said so last night. Only his fatal
bashfulness, his irreclaimably retiring disposition, could have kept him
silent in such circumstances. True, his interposition would have spoiled
the little game of his friends. It would not have been War, but it would
have been Magnanimous."
_Business done._--ALBERT ROLLIT, and Ex-Lord Mayor WHITEHEAD, carry
Resolution declaring Revised Railway Rates prejudicial to commercial
interests of country.