(_According to the Modern Method._)
SCENE--_The Old Bailey._ Judge _seated on the Bench, thoroughly
enjoying himself_. Prisoner _in the Dock_. Jurymen _in the Box_.
Counsel, Solicitors, _and_ Public, _in attendance_.
_Judge._ Now I will swear the Jury.
_Officer of the Court._ I beg your Lordship's pardon, but I have always
been accustomed to----
_Judge_ (_interrupting_). Not at all; I will do it myself. You can't give
_me_ too much work. (_Swears the_ Jury.) And now, Prisoner, what do you
plead, guilty or not guilty?
_Prisoner._ Well, my Lord, I should say----
[Illustration]
_Judge._ Not guilty. Quite right, always give yourself the benefit of the
doubt. You can't imagine what stupid Jurymen we have sometimes. Quite right
to say Not guilty. And now who appears for the prosecution?
_Counsel._ I do, my Lord, I----
_Judge._ Glad to see the eminent counsel here, and I know of no one who can
better conduct a case. Still, with my learned friend's or rather my learned
brother's, I should say the learned Counsel's permission, I will just open
for the Crown myself. (_Opens for the Crown with brilliant effect.
Applause._) No; I cannot allow any demonstration of that sort. By the way
(_to_ Counsel for the Prosecution), Have we any witnesses?
_Counsel._ Yes, my Lord, a Police Sergeant.
_Judge._ Oh, indeed, I will soon settle him. (Witness _enters box and is
sworn_.) And now, you Sir, I am not going to allow any speeches--so be on
your guard. (_Examines and cross-examines him._) Have we any more
witnesses?
_Counsel._ No, my Lord--that is our case.
_Judge._ Quite so. The face of the learned Counsel, who is retained for the
defence, is new to me, but if he has no objection, I will open for him.
_Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases.
_Judge._ Thank you. (_Addresses the Jury._) And now, if we have no
witnesses, I think I will sum up. (_To_ Counsel for the Defence.) Have we
any witnesses?
_Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases.
_Judge._ Well, I think we won't call any witnesses, because then the
Prosecution won't have a reply.
_Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases.
_Judge._ Quite so. And now, Gentlemen of the Jury, I have now my own
special functions to perform. I will sum up the case in my judicial
capacity. You must know then----(_Sums up._) And now I will leave you to
decide upon your verdict. (_Jury consults._) Or perhaps you would like to
leave the matter to me?
_Foreman of the Jury._ As your Lordship pleases.
_Judge._ Thank you. Then I think we may say "Guilty." Prisoner at the Bar,
it is now my duty to sentence you. I think, under all the circumstances of
the case, that I need not treat you too harshly. There is no doubt that the
prosecution has been conducted in a very able manner; and this remark is
equally applicable to the manner in which the defence has been carried out.
I think a month's imprisonment will be sufficient. Prisoner, you are
sentenced to a month's imprisonment.
_Prisoner._ As your Lordship pleases.
_Judge._ But, as I have had a good deal to do with this case, I think I may
as well remain in it to the end. So, with the consent of the convict, the
Counsel, and the Jury, I will go to prison myself.
_The Entire Court._ As your Lordship pleases.
_Judge._ Thank you all very much. I hope, after a month's retirement, to
have the pleasure of meeting you again.
[_Exit, in custody. Curtain._
* * * * *
FOR A FEW NIGHTS OHNET.--Mr. and Mrs. KENDAL have revived _The Ironmaster_.
As may be imagined, the dialogue is full of irony.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE OLD COUNTRY. ST. WYCLIFFE'S COLLEGE, OXBRIDGE.
_Mr. Jonah P. Skeggs, from Chicago (with his family) suddenly bursts on
Jones, who keeps at Letter A in the Cloisters._
"SIR--WE OFFER YOU--MANY APOLOGIES--FOR THIS--UNWARRANTABLE INTRUSION! WE
WERE NOT AWARE THE OLD RUIN WAS INHABITED!"]
* * * * *