No. VI.--REGISTRATION REFORM.
(_Scene and Persons as Usual._)
_First Well-Informed Man_ (_bristling with indignation, as he lays down his
newspaper_). Well, I'm dashed!
_Inquirer_ (_nervously_). What's up?
_First W. I. M._ _What's up!_ Everything's up. Up the spout, that's where
this blessed country will be if this kind of thing's going on.
_Inquirer._ What kind of thing?
_First W. I. M._ Why, all this gerrymandering kind of business.
_Inquirer._ Oh, by the way, that reminds me. I came on that word the other
day. Can any of you chaps tell me what it means?
_First W. I. M._ It's as plain as a pikestaff. It means playing ducks and
drakes with things all round, and letting the whole business go thoroughly
rotten.
_Inquirer._ Has it got anything to do with jerry-builders?
_First W. I. M._ It's the same thing precisely.
_Inquirer_ (_insisting_). But what's the point of calling 'em jerry? Where
does that come in?
_First W. I. M._ It's a French word.
_Second W. I. M._ It isn't. It's German.
_First W. I. M._ Bosh, it's French.
_Second W. I. M._ I bet you a dollar it's German.
_First W. I. M._ And I bet you a dollar it's French. (_To Average Man._)
Here, you decide. Which is it?
_Average Man._ Well, I'm sure it isn't French----
_Second W. I. M._ (_interrupting_). Of course it isn't. Pay up, my boy!
_Average Man_ (_continuing_). But, on the other hand, it isn't German.
_First W. I. M._ Oh, rot! It must be one or the other, you know.
(_Scornfully._) You'll be telling us it's Greek next.
_Average Man._ Well, of course, it _might_ be; but, as a matter of fact, I
fancy it's English.
_First W. I. M._, _Second W. I. M._ (_together_). Oh, you tell that to the
Marines! It won't wash here.
_Inquirer_ (_doubtfully_). Perhaps it's American.
_Average Man_ (_resignedly_). Well I daresay it is. Any way, you can have
it so if you like, It may be Sanskrit for all I care.
[_Retires to his paper. A pause._
_Inquirer_ (_to First W. I. M._). But, look here, what made you lose your
hair, just now? You looked as angry as blazes about something.
_First W. I. M._ (_with dignity_). Did I? Well, isn't it enough to make
anybody, who loves his country, angry when he sees what's going on. Why,
the Government's going to turn everything inside out, with some blessed new
law about elections. Registration Bill, they call it, or something of that
sort. Just as if we hadn't had enough tinkering and pottering lately. It's
all through this confounded County Council interfering with everything.
_Second W. I. M._ (_aggressive_). What the dickens has the County Council
got to do with it? You're always dropping on the County Council.
_First W. I. M._ Oh, they've got their finger in every pie. I'm pretty
certain this is their job.
_Second W. I. M._ Well, you're wrong this time, that's all. You're thinking
of the Employers' Liability Bill.
_First W. I. M._ No, I'm not. I never even heard of it. So that's where
_you're_ wrong. What has the Employers' Liabill got----I mean the
Employers' (_steadily, and with determination_) Li-a-bil-ity Bill got to do
with the County Council?
_Second W. I. M._ Everything. Didn't you read JOHN BURNS'S speech about it?
_First W. I. M._ No--and I don't mean to. Ask me another.
_Second W. I. M._ All right--I will. Do you mean to deny that our present
Registration System is a ridiculous one?
_First W. I. M._ (_hotly_). Yes, I do.
_Second W. I. M._ (_with triumph_). Ah, I've got you now. You said, only
yesterday, that any system by which a Government like this got into power
must be ridiculous. (_To_ Inquirer.) Didn't he?
_Inquirer_ (_hesitating_). Well, I'm not quite sure. I rather fancy he did
say something of that kind. But--(_deprecatingly_)--perhaps he meant
something else.
_First W. I. M._ No, I didn't. I meant what I said--and I stick to it. But
that isn't the same thing as the Registration System.
_Second W. I. M._ Perhaps you'll tell us, then, what the Registration
System is?
_Inquirer_ (_eagerly_). Yes, do. I should like to get to the bottom of it,
because I'm constantly meeting a sort of third cousin of mine, who's a
Registrar of something or other, and I never quite know what he does. All I
know is, that he isn't a Registrar in Bankruptcy.
_First W. I. M._ Let me see--how can I put it shortly? It's just this--you
chaps have got votes.
_Inquirer_ (_decisively_). No, I haven't.
_First W. I. M._ (_put out_). Ah, but you ought to have.
_Second W. I. M._ (_cutting in_). There you are again. That's just what
I've been saying all along. He ought to have--but he hasn't; so where's
your beautiful system now?
_First W. I. M._ (_retreating strategically_). I never said it was
_perfect_, did I? But I'll come to that afterwards. (_To_ Inquirer.) Now
why haven't you got a vote?
_Inquirer_ (_with a painful sense of inferiority_). I'm sure I don't know.
I suppose the old Johnny, whoever he is, didn't chalk me down when he went
round last time.
_First W. I. M._ Probably you haven't lived in your house long enough. You
haven't got a qualifying period.
_Inquirer._ Haven't I? How long ought I to have lived there?
_First W. I. M._ (_vaguely_). Oh, it's something between three and four
years. I can't tell you the exact number; they alter it every year.
_Second W. I. M._ Who alter it?
_First W. I. M._ The Revising Barristers, or somebody.
_Second W. I. M._ Well, my brother-in-law's a Revising Barrister, and I
never heard of him doing that.
_First W. I. M._ (_sarcastic_). But you don't suppose he'd tell _you_
everything he does, do you?
_Inquirer._ But I've lived in my house six years.
_First W. I. M._ Ah! but aren't you a lodger?
_Second W. I. M._ What's the odds if he is? My brother's a lodger, and I
know he's got a vote.
_First W. I. M._ But that's a different franchise altogether.
_Second W. I. M._ How do you mean? They're both lodgers.
_First W. I. M._ But they don't live in the same district. Perhaps they
don't give him a latch-key.
_Inquirer_ (_producing it_). Yes they do. Here it is. (_Chuckles._) I think
I jolly well see myself without a latch-key. But, I say, about this vote. I
don't half like not having got one. What shall I do about it?
_First W. I. M._ You'd better see somebody about it.
_Inquirer._ Somebody was talking about Leasehold Franchise the other day.
Perhaps I could get in on that.
_First W. I. M._ Ah! I daresay that _might_ help you. [_Terminus._
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[Illustration: "NOUS AVONS CHANGÉ TOUT CELA!"
"WERE YOU EVER IN CHICAGO, DUCHESS?"
"WHY YES, LADY MARY. IT'S MY NATIVE PLACE, YOU KNOW--AT LEAST, IT USED TO
BE!"]
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