WHAT IT IS TO BE “IN LOVE.”
The story of such sudden passions as this, which had come upon Frederick
Eastwood, are common enough and well known. Love is a subject which
concerns and interests the whole world, and though there is not much
that is novel to be said about it, it is the event or accident in life
of which the gentle reader never tires. Let not that kind listener be
shocked if I call it an accident. Sometimes it is the influence which
shapes our lives, but sometimes, also, it is so slight an episode that
we are disposed to smile or to sneer at the prevailing human prejudice
which makes it the chief centre of existence in all song and story. A
pure and genuine love, however, has something of attraction in it for
every creature. It recalls the most delicious moments of life, those in
which the dream of perfect happiness, never to be fully realized, is
forming in the youthful imagination, and all heaven and earth thrills
and quickens with visionary hopes and aspirations; or it suggests, more
sweetly and more vaguely even than those dreams themselves, the visions
that are to come. The ignoble love which it is my evil fortune to have
now in hand, would, no doubt, could I enter into it, recall its own
ignoble yet exciting memories to the minds which are capable of such
feelings. Frederick Eastwood scarcely slept all night, and when he did
drop into a feverish doze, the image of Miss ’Manda, her golden hair
dropping warm and bright upon her beautiful shoulders, the soft
rose-white of her hand supporting the milky rose of her cheek, the
curves of her face, the splendour and glow of beauty about her, haunted
his dreams. Better visions, I hope, haunt the pillows of most lovers,
but this was how Frederick loved, or rather how he fell into passion and
frenzy, suddenly, without warning or thought, over the attractions of
Mr. Batty’s daughter, whom the day before he would have thought quite
beneath his lightest thought. Thus Love, even when of the least worthy
kind, laughs at prejudice and class distinctions, and at all those
conventional restraints which are stronger than the suggestions of
wisdom. I do not think that any generous or exalted emotion would have
led Frederick Eastwood to commit himself, to depart from what he thought
becoming to his own elevated position and character; and this being the
case, there may be a certain human satisfaction in the thought that
something does exist which is capable of plucking the intellectualist
from his eminence, and the man of social pretence from his position, as
well as the prince from his throne. Love, that conquers all things,
conquers in this way even the predominant influence of self. Frederick
for once was superior to that determined adherence to his own will and
pleasure which had accompanied him through his whole life. His first
thought in the morning was for her. He got up earlier than usual, though
he had been late on the previous night. He had no wish to sleep; it was
sweeter to wander about the garden in the morning sunshine and think of
her, which was a proceeding which filled the family with consternation.
When he was discovered at the breakfast-table making himself very
pleasant and friendly, the surprise of Nelly and Dick came to a height.
As for Mrs. Eastwood, she had a mother’s natural certainty that her
son’s manners were always agreeable, except when something had disturbed
him. Nothing, it was evident, had disturbed him this morning, and he
could show himself in his true colours. He was very communicative and
conciliatory, and told them how he had been persuaded to accompany some
people whom he met to the play, and that the piece was very stupid, like
so many pieces now-a-days.
“That’s all very well for you who were there,” said Dick; “I should like
to find out for myself. All pieces are stupid to a fellow that can see
them whenever he likes.”
“You might have had my share and welcome, old fellow,” said Frederick,
with undiminished amiability. “I didn’t pay much attention, to tell the
truth. There was the loveliest girl in the box--a Miss Batty. Her father
is a--country doctor, I think; but such a beautiful creature!”
I don’t know what tempted him to make this confidence; probably the
desire to be talking of her. And then he described her, which raised a
discussion round the table.
“I am sick of golden hair,” said Dick, who was moved by a spirit of
contradiction. “There are so many of ’em in novels, great, sleek,
indolent, cat-like----”
“And rather improper,” said Mrs. Eastwood; “doing things that one cannot
approve of girls doing. In my day what you call golden hair was known as
red. Raven locks were the right thing for a heroine, very smooth and
glossy----”
“Well plastered down with pomade, and not safe to touch,” said Nelly,
shaking her own brown locks. “But I agree with you, Frederick, there is
no hair so lovely as golden hair. Is your beauty going to stay long in
town? Do we know any one who knows her? Has she come for the season?”
“They are staying at an hotel,” said Frederick, very seriously. “I met
the father in Paris, quite by chance, when I was getting better. That is
how I came to know them. They are not quite in your set, I suppose. But
she is simply the most radiant, dazzling creature----”
“All red and white and green and blue,” said the irrepressible Dick,
“with her hair growing down to her eyes--oh, I know! seven feet high,
and weighing twelve stone.”
“Yes, that is odd too,” said Mrs. Eastwood; “people like that kind of
huge woman. In my days, now, a light, elastic figure----”
“They all died of consumption,” said Nelly. She was herself exactly the
kind of being whom her mother described; but she took up the cause of
the other with natural perverseness. A curious sense of possible help
gleamed across Frederick’s mind as he listened. He would not allow
himself to realize under what possible circumstances Nelly’s
championship might be useful to him; but his mind jumped at the thought,
with a sudden perception of possibilities which he by no means wished to
follow out at once to their full length and breadth. When he went to the
office he congratulated himself secretly on his skill in having thus
introduced the subject so as to awaken no suspicion--and he went into
the conservatory, and cut a lovely little white camellia bud, which
Nelly had been saving up for quite another button-hole. It was just
after the exciting moment of Nelly’s betrothal, and the house was full
of a certain suggestion of love-making, which, perhaps, helped to
stimulate Frederick’s thoughts; but his blaze of sudden passion was very
different from the sentiments of the others. He went to the office
first, feeling it too early to be admitted to Amanda’s beautiful
presence. Happily, there was not very much to do at the Sealing Wax
Office. He spent an hour or two there, in a feverish flutter, disturbing
the others (who, fortunately, were not very hard at work), and throwing
all his own occupations into confusion. At twelve he went out, and made
his way to the hotel. He found Batty there, but not his daughter.
“‘Manda? Oh, she’s all right,” said the father; “but the laziest girl in
Christendom. Pretty women are all lazy. _I_ haven’t seen her yet, and
don’t expect to for an hour or more. Have a glass of something,
Eastwood, to fill up the time?”
Frederick winced at this free-and-easy address, and hastened to explain
that he was on his way to keep a pressing engagement, and would return
in the afternoon, to pay his respects to Miss Batty. At three o’clock he
went back, and found her indeed; but found also Lord Hunterston and
another visitor, with whom Miss Amanda kept up a very lively
conversation. Batty himself filled up the centre of the scene, and made
a variety with talk of horses and feats in the hunting field. Frederick
was left in the background, to his intense misery. He heard one of the
other visitors asked in easy terms to dinner that evening, with again
the thrilling prospect of the play after it. He himself, it would seem,
had had his day. The only crumb of comfort he procured from the visit
was the name of the theatre they were going to. He rushed to Covent
Garden after this, poor wretch, and bought the costliest bouquet he
could find and sent it to her. Then he dined, miserable and solitary, at
his club, speaking no word to any man, and went afterwards to the
blessed theatre in which she was to exhibit her beauty to the world. He
saw her from the first moment of her arrival, and watched with horrible
sensations from his stall the comfortable arrangement of Lord Hunterston
in his corner beside her, and the large figure of the father behind
dropping into a gentle doze. He sat and gazed at them in tortures of
adoration and jealousy, wondering if she was saying the same things to
his successor as she had said to him; wondering if Hunterston, too, was
being invited to Sterborne, and ridiculed about the necessity of getting
“leave”--for, Frederick reflected with some satisfaction, “leave” was
necessary also to that distinguished guardsman. As soon as it was
practicable he made his way up to the box; but gained little by it,
since Mr. Batty insisted upon waking up, and entertaining him, which he
did chiefly by chuckling references to their previous meeting in Paris,
and the amusements of that gay place. Frederick went home half wild to
the calm house where his mother and sister were sleeping quietly; and
where poor little Innocent alone heard his step coming up-stairs, and
longed to get up and say good-night to him, though he had “scolded” her.
Had she known it, Innocent was deeply avenged. Amanda Batty had not
spared the rash adorer. She had “made fun” of him in a hundred refined
and elegant ways, joking about his gravity and serious looks, about his
fondness for the theatre, and his kindness in coming to speak to
herself. “When I am sure you might have gone behind the scenes if you
liked,” she said, with a laugh that showed all her pearly teeth. “You,
who know so much about the theatres: how I should like to go behind the
scenes!”
Frederick, who had made so many sacrifices to appearances, and who was
distinguished in society for the stateliness of his demeanour, would
have been infinitely insulted had any one else said this--all the more
insulted for his own consciousness of those moments of aberration in
which he had been behind a great many scenes--- though never, so far as
he was aware, where he could be found out. But a man in love is
compelled, when the lady of his affections is like Miss Amanda, to put
up with insults, and does so in scores of cases with a meekness which is
nowhere apparent in his domestic character. Frederick felt himself
punctured by shafts of ridicule not too finely pointed. He was laughed
at, he was rallied, jokes were made upon him. He was even treated with
absolute rudeness, Amanda turning her beautiful shoulders upon him, and
addressing Lord Hunterston, in the very midst of something Frederick was
saying to her. A thrill of momentary fury went through him, but next
moment he was abject in his endeavours to get a glance from her--a word
of reply.
“Don’t you mind her--it’s ’Manda’s way,” said Batty, laughing as he saw
the gloom on Frederick’s face. “The more insulting she is one evening,
the nicer she’ll be the next. Don’t you pay any attention: it’s his turn
to-night, and yours to-morrow. Don’t take it too serious, Eastwood; if
you’ll be guided by me----”
“I fear I don’t quite understand you, Mr. Batty,” said poor Frederick,
writhing in impotent pride at the liberties taken with him. Upon which
Batty laughed again, more insolently good-humoured than ever.
“As you like--as you like,” he said; “you are more likely to want me, I
can tell you, than I am to want you.”
Frederick answered nothing: his mind was torn in pieces. Could he have
had strength to go away, to break those fatal chains which in a day--in
a moment--had been thrown over him, he would have done it. A sudden
impulse to fly came over him; but a hundred past yieldings to temptation
had sapped the strength of his nature, and taken away from him all power
to make such a strenuous resistance to his own wishes. The self-willed,
proud young man put down his head and licked the dust before the coarse
beauty who had stolen away his wits, and the coarse man whose
familiarity was so odious to him. He turned from the father, and
addressed himself with eager adoration to the daughter; and, perhaps
because Amanda was a thorough coquette, and enjoyed her own cleverness
in pitting one admirer against another--perhaps because the misery and
earnestness in the eyes of her new slave softened her, she was friendly
to him for the rest of the evening, and wrapped his foolish soul in
happiness. Before they parted he was made happy by another invitation.
They were but to be two nights more in town, and one of these evenings
Frederick was to spend with them.
“Be sure and find out for me the very nicest thing that is to be played
in London,” she said, turning round to him as she left the theatre,
though the rival had her hand on his arm. The sweetness of this
preference, the sign she made to him as the carriage drove away,
contented, and more than contented, Frederick. He went home happy; he
got through--he did not know how--the intervening time. Next afternoon
he went to call on her, at one moment gaining a few words, which made
him blessed, at another turning away with his pride lacerated and his
heart bleeding. The succession of ups and downs was enough to have
given variety to months of ordinary love-making. Frederick was tossed
from delight to despair, and back again. He was jibed at, flattered,
made use of, tormented, and consoled. Had he been a man of finer mind,
he might possibly have been disgusted; but it is astonishing what even
men of the finest minds will submit to under the force of such an
imperious passion. They console themselves by the conclusion that all
women are the same, and that theirs is the common fate. If Frederick had
any time to think in the hurry of emotion and excitement which swept him
as into the vortex of a whirlpool, he excused Miss ’Manda’s cruelties
and caprices by this explanation. All women who possessed, as she did,
those glorious gifts of beauty--all the Cleopatras of existence--were
like her; they had to be worshipped blindly, not considered as
reasonable creatures. Reason! what had reason to do with those
shoulders, those cheeks, those eyes?
The evening came at last--the evening of rapture and misery which he was
to spend by her side, but which was to be the last. He counted how many
hours it could be lengthened out to, and gave himself up to the
enjoyment, not daring to forecast to himself what he might say or do
before that cycle of happiness was ended. He dressed himself with so
much care that Mrs. Eastwood, who had never forgotten that enthusiastic
description of Miss Batty, felt an uneasiness for which she could give
no very distinct reason. This time the roses in the conservatory were
not enough for Frederick. He had brought one from Covent Garden,
carefully wrapped up in cotton wool; and he spoiled half-a-dozen ties
before he could tie one to his satisfaction. His mother peeped at him
from the door of her room as he went down-stairs. In consequence of
their play-going propensities, the Battys had to dine early. It was but
half-past six when Frederick left The Elms in his hansom, which he had
taken the trouble to order beforehand. Mrs. Eastwood opened her window,
with a faint hope that perhaps the wind might convey his instructions to
the driver to her anxious ear. She withdrew blushing, poor soul, when
this attempt proved unsuccessful. It was almost dishonourable--like
listening at a door. When one does not succeed in a little wile of this
description, one realizes how ignoble was the attempt.
“Of course, if I had asked him where he was going, he would have told
me,” she said to herself.
But the truth was that Frederick had so often returned disagreeable
answers to such questions, and had made so many remarks upon the
curiosity of women, &c., that the household had ceased to inquire into
his movements. He was the only one of the family whose comings and
goings were not open as daylight to whomsoever cared to see.
His heart beat higher and higher as he threaded the streets and
approached the second-rate London inn which was to him the centre of the
world. When he was shown into the room, however, in which dinner was
prepared as usual, he went in upon a scene for which he was totally
unprepared. Seated by the fire, which had suddenly become unnecessary by
a change in the weather, and which made the little room very stuffy and
hot, was Amanda, wrapped in a great shawl. Her usual sublime evening
toilette had been exchanged for a white dressing-gown, all frills and
bows of ribbon. High up on her cheeks, just under her eyes, were two
blazing spots of pink. Her face, except for these, was pale and drawn.
The sound of her voice, fretful and impatient, was the first thing
Frederick heard. By her sat a middle-aged woman in an elaborate cap with
flowers. There was a medicine bottle on the mantelpiece. Frederick
rushed forward, in wonder and dismay.
“Miss Batty--Good God, you are ill----!”
“You may see that, I think, without asking,” said Amanda; “when one is
well one does not show like this, I hope. The last night, too--the last
time for ages I shall have the least chance of enjoying myself, or
having a little fun. Oh, it is too shocking! When one is at home, with
nothing going on, one does not mind; it is always something to occupy
one. Oh, go away please. Dine somewhere with papa. He is waiting for you
outside; never mind me. Oh, aunty, can’t you be still--rustling and
rustling for ever and ever, and setting all my nerves on edge.”
A sudden blackness came over Frederick’s soul. “Dine somewhere with
papa.” Good heavens! was that the entertainment offered to him after all
his hopes? He stood transfixed as it were, immovable in a blank and
horrible pause of disappointment. The close room and the sudden
revulsion of feeling made him sick and faint. His perfect and faultless
costume, the delicate rosebud in his coat, his tie which it had taken
him so much trouble to bring to perfection, his boots upon which he had
been so careful not to have a speck--all struck Amanda with relenting as
she looked at him, and finally roused her a little out of her absorption
in her own troubles. He looked such a gentleman! Miss Batty belonged to
that class which is given to describe its heroes as “looking like
gentlemen,” with often an uneasy sense that the looks are the only
things gentlemanlike about them. Frederick impressed her profoundly and
suddenly by this means. She relented as she looked at him.
“Dinner was laid here,” she said, “as you see--but I don’t think I could
stand it,--and then when one is not dressed or anything--it would not be
nice for you----”
“It is perfectly nice for me,” said Frederick, coming to life again--“a
thousand times more nice than anything else. Your dress is always
perfect, whatever it may be. Let me stay! What do I care for dining or
anything else? Let me be with you. Let me read to you. Don’t send me
into outer darkness----”
“Oh, how you do talk, Mr. Eastwood,” said Amanda, though with a smile.
“No, of course you must dine. We must all dine. No, now go away. I could
not have it. Let some one call papa, and you can go with him----” she
paused for a moment, enjoying the blank misery that once more fell upon
Frederick’s face; then added suddenly,--“On second thoughts, after all,
it might amuse me. Aunty, ring the bell. If you are sure you don’t mind
my dressing gown--and the room being so warm--and aunty being here,--and
the medicine bottle, and the big fire,--well, perhaps,” she said,
pausing to laugh in a breathless way,--“you may stay.”
If the Queen had created him Earl of Eastwood with corresponding
revenues, it would have been nothing to the bliss of this moment. He
drew a footstool to her feet and sat down on it, half kneeling, and made
his inquiries.--What was it? How was it? was she suffering? did she feel
ill? had she a doctor, the best doctor that London could produce,
Jenner, Gull, somebody that could be trusted? Amanda informed him that
it was heart disease from which she was suffering, an intimation which
she made not without complacency, but which Frederick felt to pierce him
like a horrible, sudden arrow--and that “Aunty” here present, whom she
introduced with a careless wave of her hand, knew exactly what to do.
“It is dreadful, isn’t it, to think I might die any moment?” she said
with a smile.
“Good God!” Frederick said, with unaffected horror, “it cannot be true!”
and he sat, stricken dumb, gazing at her, the tears forcing themselves
to his eyes. Mr. Batty entered at this moment, and the man, who was
human and a father, was touched by this evidence of emotion. He wrung
Frederick’s hand and whispered him aside.
“It ain’t as bad as it seems,” he said. “We daren’t cross her. If she
wanted the moon I’d have to tell her we’d get it somehow. We’ve known
for years that she wasn’t to be crossed; but barring that, I hope all’s
pretty safe. It’s bad for her temper, poor girl, but I’m not afraid of
her life.”
Frederick spent such an evening as he had never spent in his life. He
sat at Amanda’s feet and read to her, and talked to her, and listened to
her chatter, which was soft and subdued, for she was languid after her
spasms. Mr. Batty sat by most part of the evening admiring, and so did
the person called Aunty, who kept in constant attendance. Frederick
could not throw himself at Miss ’Manda’s feet according to conventional
form; he could not declare his love and entreat her to marry him, as he
was burning to do, for he was not permitted a minute alone with her. But
short of that, he said everything that a man in love could do. He told
his adoration by a hundred signs and inferences. And he went home in
such a whirl of sentiment and emotion as I cannot attempt to describe.
His love was frantic, yet so tinged and imbued with a sense of the
virtuous and domestic character of this evening of complete happiness,
that he felt as good as he was blessed. She was going away; that was the
only drawback to his rapture; and even that impressed a certain intense
and ecstatic character upon it, as of a flower snatched from the edge of
a precipice of despair.