The lady has just finished her letter, and has entertained Mrs. Lovick,
Mrs. Smith, and me, with a noble discourse on the vanity and brevity of
life, to which I cannot do justice in the repetition: and indeed I am so
grieved for her, that, ill as she is, my intellects are not half so clear
as her's.
A few things which made the strongest impression upon me, as well from
the sentiments themselves as from her manner of uttering them, I
remember. She introduced them thus:
I am thinking, said she, what a gradual and happy death God Almighty
(blessed be his name) affords me! Who would have thought, that, suffering
what I have suffered, and abandoned as I have been, with such a
tender education as I have had, I should be so long a dying!--But see now
by little and little it had come to this. I was first take off from the
power of walking; then I took a coach--a coach grew too violent an
exercise: then I took up a chair--the prison was a large DEATH-STRIDE
upon me--I should have suffered longer else!--Next, I was unable to go to
church; then to go up or down stairs; now hardly can move from one room
to another: and a less room will soon hold me.--My eyes begin to fail me,
so that at times I cannot see to read distinctly; and now I can hardly
write, or hold a pen.--Next, I presume, I shall know nobody, nor be able
to thank any of you; I therefore now once more thank you, Mrs. Lovick,
and you, Mrs. Smith, and you, Mr. Belford, while I can thank you, for all
your kindness to me. And thus by little and little, in such a gradual
sensible death as I am blessed with, God dies away in us, as I may say,
all human satisfaction, in order to subdue his poor creatures to himself.
Thou mayest guess how affected we all were at this moving account of her
progressive weakness. We heard it with wet eyes; for what with the
women's example, and what with her moving eloquence, I could no more help
it than they. But we were silent nevertheless; and she went on applying
herself to me.
O Mr. Belford! This is a poor transitory life in the best enjoyments.
We flutter about here and there, with all our vanities about us, like
painted butterflies, for a gay, but a very short season, till at last we
lay ourselves down in a quiescent state, and turn into vile worms: And
who knows in what form, or to what condition we shall rise again?
I wish you would permit me, a young creature, just turned of nineteen
years of age, blooming and healthy as I was a few months ago, now nipt by
the cold hand of death, to influence you, in these my last hours, to a
life of regularity and repentance for any past evils you may have been
guilty of. For, believe me, Sir, that now, in this last stage, very few
things will bear the test, or be passed as laudable, if pardonable, at
our own bar, much less at a more tremendous one, in all we have done, or
delighted in, even in a life not very offensive neither, as we may think!
--Ought we not then to study in our full day, before the dark hours
approach, so to live, as may afford reflections that will soften the
agony of the last moments when they come, and let in upon the departing
soul a ray of Divine mercy to illuminate its passage into an awful
eternity?
She was ready to faint, and choosing to lie down, I withdrew; I need not
say with a melancholy heart: and when I got to my new-taken apartment, my
heart was still more affected by the sight of the solemn letter the
admirable lady had so lately finished. It was communicated to me by Mrs.
Lovick; who had it to copy for me; but it was not to be delivered to me
till after her departure. However, I trespassed so far, as to prevail
upon the widow to let me take a copy of it; which I did directly in
character.
I send it enclosed. If thou canst read it, and thy heart not bleed at
thy eyes, thy remorse can hardly be so deep as thou hast inclined me to
think it is.