We are at length returned to our own home. I had intended to wait on you
in London: but my mother is very ill--Alas! my dear, she is very ill
indeed--and you are likewise very ill--I see that by your's of the 25th--
What shall I do, if I lose two such near, and dear, and tender friends?
She was taken ill yesterday at our last stage in our return home--and has
a violent surfeit and fever, and the doctors are doubtful about her.
If she should die, how will all my pertnesses to her fly in my face!--
Why, why, did I ever vex her? She says I have been all duty and
obedience!--She kindly forgets all my faults, and remembers every thing I
have been so happy as to oblige her in. And this cuts me to the heart.
I see, I see, my dear, that you are very bad--and I cannot bear it. Do,
my beloved Miss Harlowe, if you can be better, do, for my sake, be
better; and send me word of it. Let the bearer bring me a line. Be sure
you send me a line. If I lose you, my more than sister, and lose my
mother, I shall distrust my own conduct, and will not marry. And why
should I?--Creeping, cringing in courtship!--O my dear, these men are a
vile race of reptiles in our day, and mere bears in their own. See in
Lovelace all that is desirable in figure, in birth, and in fortune: but
in his heart a devil!--See in Hickman--Indeed, my dear, I cannot tell
what any body can see in Hickman, to be always preaching in his favour.
And is it to be expected that I, who could hardly bear control from a
mother, should take it from a husband?--from one too, who has neither
more wit, nor more understanding, than myself? yet he to be my
instructor!--So he will, I suppose; but more by the insolence of his will
than by the merit of his counsel. It is in vain to think of it. I
cannot be a wife to any man breathing whom I at present know. This I the
rather mention now, because, on my mother's danger, I know you will be
for pressing me the sooner to throw myself into another sort of
protection, should I be deprived of her. But no more of this subject, or
indeed of any other; for I am obliged to attend my mamma, who cannot bear
me out of her sight.
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