Powder, and wash-balls, and snuff, they said; and gloves and stockings.
O come, I'll be your customer. Will. do I want wash-balls?
Yes, and please your Honour, you can dispense with one or two.
Give him half a dozen, dame Smith.
She told me she must come where I was, to serve them. Pray, Sir, walk
from behind the compter.
Indeed but I won't. The shop shall be mine. Where are they, if a
customer shall come in?
She pointed over my head, with a purse mouth, as if she would not have
simpered, could she have helped it. I reached down the glass, and gave
Will. six. There--put 'em up, Sirrah.
He did, grinning with his teeth out before; which touching my conscience,
as the loss of them was owing to me, Joseph, said I, come hither. Come
hither, man, when I bid thee.
He stalked towards me, his hands behind him, half willing, and half
unwilling.
I suddenly wrapt my arm round his neck. Will. thy penknife, this moment.
D----n the fellow, where's thy penknife?
O Lord! said the pollard-headed dog, struggling to get his head loose
from under my arm, while my other hand was muzzling about his cursed
chaps, as if I would take his teeth out.
I will pay thee a good price, man: don't struggle thus? The penknife,
Will.!
O Lord, cried Joseph, struggling still more and more: and out comes
Will.'s pruning-knife; for the rascal is a gardener in the country. I
have only this, Sir.
The best in the world to launch a gum. D----n the fellow, why dost
struggle thus?
Master and Mistress Smith being afraid, I suppose, that I had a design
upon Joseph's throat, because he was their champion, (and this, indeed,
made me take the more notice of him,) coming towards me with countenances
tragic-comical, I let him go.
I only wanted, said I, to take out two or three of this rascal's broad
teeth, to put them into my servant's jaws--and I would have paid him his
price for them.--I would by my soul, Joseph.
Joseph shook his ears; and with both hands stroked down, smooth as it
would lie, his bushy hair; and looked at me as if he knew not whether he
should laugh or be angry: but, after a stupid stare or two, stalked off
to the other end of the shop, nodding his head at me as he went, still
stroking down his hair; and took his stand by his master, facing about
and muttering, that I was plaguy strong in the arms, and he thought would
have throttled him. Then folding his arms, and shaking his bristled
head, added, 'twas well I was a gentleman, or he would not have taken
such an affront.
I demanded where their rappee was? the good woman pointed to the place;
and I took up a scollop-shell of it, refusing to let her weight it, and
filled my box. And now, Mrs. Smith, said I, where are your gloves?
She showed me; and I chose four pair of them, and set Joseph, who looked
as if he wanted to be taken notice of again, to open the fingers.
A female customer, who had been gaping at the door, came in for some
Scots sniff; and I would serve her. The wench was plaguy homely; and I
told her so; or else, I said, I would have treated her. She, in anger,
[no woman is homely in her own opinion,] threw down her penny; and I put
it in my pocket.
Just then, turning my eye to the door, I saw a pretty, genteel lady, with
a footman after her, peeping in with a What's the matter, good folks? to
the starers; and I ran to her from behind the compter, and, as she was
making off, took her hand, and drew her into the shop; begging that she
would be my customer; for that I had but just begun trade.
What do you sell, Sir? said she, smiling; but a little surprised.
Tapes, ribbands, silk laces, pins, and needles; for I am a pedlar:
powder, patches, wash-balls, stockings, garters, snuffs, and pin
cushions--Don't we, goody Smith?
So in I gently drew her to the compter, running behind it myself, with an
air of great dilingence and obligingness. I have excellent gloves and
wash-balls, Madam: rappee, Scots, Portugal, and all sorts of snuff.
Well, said she, in a very good humour, I'll encourage a young beginner
for once. Here, Andrew, [to her footman,] you want a pair of gloves,
don't you?
I took down a parcel of gloves, which Mrs. Smith pointed to, and came
round to the fellow to fit them on myself.
No matter for opening them, said I: thy fingers, friend, are as stiff as
drum-sticks. Push!--Thou'rt an awkward dog! I wonder such a pretty lady
will be followed by such a clumsy varlet.
The fellow had no strength for laughing: and Joseph was mightily pleased,
in hopes, I suppose, I would borrow a few of Andrew's teeth, to keep him
in countenance: and, father and mother Smith, like all the world, as the
jest was turned from themselves, seemed diverted with the humour.
The fellow said the gloves were too little.
Thrust, and be d----d to thee, said I: why, fellow, thou hast not the
strength of a cat.
Sir, Sir, said he, laughing, I shall hurt your Honour's side.
D----n thee, thrust I say.
He did; and burst out the sides of the glove.
Will. said I, where's thy pruning-knife? By my soul, friend, I had a
good mind to pare thy cursed paws. But come, here's a larger pair: try
them, when thou gettest home; and let thy sweetheart, if thou hast one,
mend the other, so take both.
The lady laughed at the humour; as did my fellow, and Mrs. Smith, and
Joseph: even John laughed, though he seemed by the force put upon his
countenance to be but half pleased with me neither.
Madam, said I, and stepped behind the compter, bowing over it, now I hope
you will buy something for yourself. Nobody shall use you better, nor
sell you cheaper.
Come, said she, give me six-penny worth of Portugal snuff.
They showed me where it was, and I served her; and said, when she would
have paid me, I took nothing at my opening.
If I treated her footman, she told me, I should not treat her.
Well, with all my heart, said I: 'tis not for us tradesmen to be saucy--
Is it, Mrs. Smith?
I put her sixpence in my pocket; and, seizing her hand, took notice to
her of the crowd that had gathered about the door, and besought her to
walk into the back-shop with me.
She struggled her hand out of mine, and would stay no longer.
So I bowed, and bid her kindly welcome, and thanked her, and hoped I
should have her custom another time.
She went away smiling; and Andrew after her; who made me a fine bow.
I began to be out of countenance at the crowd, which thickened apace; and
bid Will. order the chair to the door.
Well, Mrs. Smith, with a grave air, I am heartily sorry Miss Harlowe is
abroad. You don't tell me where she is?
Indeed, Sir, I cannot.
You will not, you mean.--She could have no notion of my coming. I came
to town but last night. I have been very ill. She has almost broken my
heart by her cruelty. You know my story, I doubt not. Tell her, I must
go out of town to-morrow morning. But I will send my servant, to know if
she will favour me with one half-hour's conversation; for, as soon as I
get down, I shall set out for Dover, in my way to France, if I have not a
countermand from her, who has the sole disposal of my fate.
And so flinging down a Portugal six-and-thirty, I took Mr. Smith by the
hand, telling him, I was sorry we had not more time to be better
acquainted; and bidding farewell to honest Joseph, (who pursed up his
mouth as I passed by him, as if he thought his teeth still in jeopardy,)
and Mrs. Smith adieu, and to recommend me to her fair lodger, hummed an
air, and, the chair being come, whipt into it; the people about the door
seeming to be in good humour with me; one crying, a pleasant gentleman, I
warrant him! and away I was carried to White's, according to direction.
As soon as I came thither, I ordered Will. to go and change his clothes,
and to disguise himself by putting on his black wig, and keeping his
mouth shut; and then to dodge about Smith's, to inform himself of the
lady's motions.
***
I give thee this impudent account of myself, that thou mayest rave at me,
and call me hardened, and what thou wilt. For, in the first place, I,
who had been so lately ill, was glad I was alive; and then I was so
balked by my charmer's unexpected absence, and so ruffled by that, and by
the bluff treatment of father John, that I had no other way to avoid
being out of humour with all I met with. Moreover I was rejoiced to
find, by the lady's absence, and by her going out at six in the morning,
that it was impossible she should be so ill as thou representest her to
be; and this gave me still higher spirits. Then I know the sex always
love cheerful and humourous fellows. The dear creature herself used to
be pleased with my gay temper and lively manner; and had she been told
that I was blubbering for her in the back-shop, she would have despised
me still more than she does.
Furthermore, I was sensible that the people of the house must needs have
a terrible notion of me, as a savage, bloody-minded, obdurate fellow; a
perfect woman-eater; and, no doubt, expected to see me with the claws of
a lion, and the fangs of a tiger; and it was but policy to show them what
a harmless pleasant fellow I am, in order to familiarize the Johns and
the Josephs to me. For it was evident to me, by the good woman's calling
them down, that she thought me a dangerous man. Whereas now, John and I
have shaken hands together, and dame Smith having seen that I have the
face, and hands, and looks of a man, and walk upright, and prate, and
laugh, and joke, like other people; and Joseph, that I can talk of taking
his teeth out of his head, without doing him the least hurt; they will
all, at my next visit, be much more easy and pleasant to me than Andrew's
gloves were to him; and we shall be as thoroughly acquainted, as if we
had known one another a twelvemonth.
When I returned to our mother's, I again cursed her and all her nymphs
together; and still refused to see either Sally or Polly! I raved at the
horrid arrest; and told the old dragon that it was owing to her and her's
that the fairest virtue in the world was ruined; my reputation for ever
blasted; and that I was not married and perfectly happy in the love of
the most excellent of her sex.
She, to pacify me, said she would show me a new face that would please
me; since I would not see my Sally, who was dying with grief.
Where is this new face? cried I: let me see her, though I shall never see
any face with pleasure but Miss Harlowe's.
She won't come down, replied she. She will not be at the word of command
yet. She is but just in the trammels; and must be waited upon, I'll
assure you; and courted much besides.
Ay! said I, that looks well. Lead me to her this instant.