JOLLY VOYAGE--MOCK TRIALS ON SHIPBOARD--BARNUM ON TRIAL FOR HIS
LIFE--DISCOMFITED WITNESSES AND A TRIUMPHANT PRISONER--FAIR
WEATHER FRIENDS--THE BURNING OF IRANISTAN
Barnum made in his life many voyages across the Atlantic, but
none, perhaps, pleasanter than this. On every such trip he got
under rest and relief from his multitudinous business cares and
arduous labors; and he always contrived to organize plenty of
merry-making among his fellow-passengers. On this occasion he
felt in uncommonly good spirits because he was so rapidly
retrieving his well-nigh fallen fortunes. The feature of the
voyage was a series of mock trials, in which a judge was
selected, jurymen drawn, prisoners arraigned, counsel employed,
and all the formalities of a court established. "I have the
vanity to think," said he, afterwards, in telling in his own
inimitable way the story of this voyage, "that if my good fortune
had directed me to that profession, I should have made a very
fair lawyer for I have always had a great fondness for debate and
especially for the cross-examination of witnesses, unless that
witness was P. T. Barnum in examination under supplementary
proceedings at the instance of some note shaver, who had bought a
clock note at a discount of thirty-six per cent. In this mock
court, I was unanimously chosen as prosecuting attorney, and, as
the court was established expressly to convict, I had no
difficulty in carrying the jury and securing the punishment of
the prisoner. A small fine was generally imposed, and the fund
thus collected was given to a poor sailor boy who had fallen from
the mast and broken his leg."
"After several of these trials had been held, a dozen or more of
the passengers secretly put their heads together and resolved to
place the 'showman' on trial for his life. An indictment,
covering twenty pages, was drawn up by several legal gentlemen
among the passengers, charging him with being the Prince of
Humbugs, and enumerating a dozen special counts, containing
charges of the most absurd and ridiculous description. Witnesses
were then brought together, and privately instructed what to say
and do. Two or three days were devoted to arranging this mighty
prosecution, 'When everything was ready, I was arrested, and the
formidable indictment read to me. I saw at a glance that time and
talent had been brought into requisition, and that my trial was
to be more elaborate than any that had preceded it. I asked for
half an hour to prepare for my defense, which was granted.
Meanwhile, seats were arranged to accommodate the court and
spectators, and extra settees were placed for the ladies on the
upper deck, where they could look down, see and hear all that
transpired. Curiosity was on tip-toe, for it was evident that
this was to be a long, exciting and laughable trial. At the end
of half an hour the judge was on the bench the jury had taken
their places; the witnesses were ready; the counsel for the
prosecution, four in number, with pens, ink, and paper in
profusion, were seated, and everything seemed ready. I was
brought in by a special constable, the indictment read, and I was
asked to plead guilty, or not guilty. I rose and In a most solemn
manner, stated that I could not conscientiously plead guilty or
not guilty; that I had, in fact, committed many of the acts
charged in the indictment, but these acts, I was ready to show,
were not criminal, but on the contrary, worthy of praise. My plea
was received and the first witness called.
"He testified to having visited the prisoner's museum, and of
being humbugged by the Feejee mermaid; the nurse of Washington;
and by other curiosities, natural and unnatural. The questions
and answers having been all arranged in advance, everything
worked smoothly. Acting as my own counsel, I cross-examined the
witness by simply asking whether he saw anything else in the
museum besides what he had mentioned.
" 'Oh! yes, I saw thousands of other things.'
" 'Were they curious?'
" 'Certainly; many of them very astonishing.'
" 'Did you ever witness a dramatic representation in the museum?'
" 'Yes, sir, a very good one.'
" 'What did you pay for all this?'
" 'Twenty-five cents.'
" 'That will do, sir; you can step down.'
"A second, third and fourth witness were called, and the
examination was similar to the foregoing. Another witness then
appeared to testify in regard to another count in the indictment.
He stated that for several weeks he was the guest of the
prisoner, at his country residence Iranistan and he gave a most
amusing description of the various schemes and contrivances which
were there originated for the purpose of being carried out at
some future day in the museum.
" 'How did you live there?' asked one of the counsel for the
prosecution.
" 'Very well, indeed, in the daytime,' was the reply; 'plenty of
the best to eat and drink except liquors. In bed, however, it was
impossible to sleep. I rose the first night, struck a light, and
on examination found myself covered with myriads of tattle bugs,
so small as to be almost imperceptible. By using my microscope I
discovered them to be infantile bedbugs. After the first night I
was obliged to sleep in the coach-house in order to escape this
annoyance.'
"Of course this elicited much mirth. The first question put on
the cross-examination was this:
" 'Are you a naturalist, sir?'
"The witness hesitated. In all the drilling that had taken place
before the trial, neither the counsel nor witnesses had thought
of what questions might come up in the cross-examination, and
now, not seeing the drift of the question, the witness seemed a
little bewildered, and the counsel for the prosecution looked
puzzled.
"The question was repeated with some emphasis.
" 'No, sir,' replied the witness, hesitatingly, 'I am not a
naturalist.'
" 'Then, sir, not being a naturalist, dare you affirm that those
microscopic insects were not humbugs instead of bedbugs'--(here
the prisoner was interrupted by a universal shout of laughter, in
which the solemn judge himself joined)--land if they were
humbugs, I suppose that even the learned counsel opposed to me
will not claim that they were out of place.
" 'They may have been humbugs,' replied the witness.
" 'That will do, sir; you may go,' said I; and at the same time,
turning to the array of counsel, I remarked, with a smile, 'You
had better have a naturalist for your next witness, gentlemen.'
" 'Don't be alarmed, sir, we have got one, and we will now
introduce him,' replied the counsel.
"The next witness testified that he was a planter from Georgia,
that some years since the prisoner visited his plantation with a
show, and that while there he discovered an old worthless donkey
belonging to the planter, and bought him for five dollars. The
next year the witness visited Iranistan, the country seat of the
prisoner, and, while walking about the grounds, his old donkey,
recognizing his former master, brayed; 'whereupon,' continued the
witness, 'I walked up to the animal and found that two men were
engaged in sticking wool upon him, and this animal was afterwards
exhibited by the prisoner as the woolly horse.'
"The whole court--spectators, and even the 'prisoner'
himself--were convulsed with laughter at the gravity with which
the planter gave his very ludicrous testimony.
" 'What evidence have you,' I inquired, 'that this was the same
donkey which you sold to me?'
" 'The fact that the animal recognized me, as was evident from
his braying as soon as he saw me.'
" 'Are you a naturalist, sir?'
" 'Yes, I am,' replied the planter, with firm emphasis, as much
as to say, you can't catch me as you did the other witness.
" 'Oh! you are a naturalist, are you? Then, sir, I ask you, as a
naturalist, do you not know it to be a fact in natural history
that one jackass always brays as soon as he sees another?'
"This question was received with shouts of laughter, in the midst
of which the nonplussed witness backed out of court, and all the
efforts of special constables, and even the high sheriff himself,
were unavailing in getting him again on the witness stand.
"This trial lasted two days, to the great delight of all on
board. After my success with the 'naturalist,' not one-half of
the witnesses would appear against me. In my final argument I
sifted the testimony, analyzed its bearings, ruffled the learned
counsel, disconcerted the witnesses, flattered the judge and
jury, and when the judge had delivered his charge, the jury
acquitted me without leaving their seats. The judge received the
verdict, and then announced that he should fine the naturalist
for the mistake he made, as to the cause of the donkey's braying,
and he should also fine the several witnesses, who, through fear
of the cross-fire, had refused to testify."
The trial afforded a pleasant topic of conversation for the rest
of the voyage; and the morning before arriving in port, a vote of
thanks was passed to Barnum, in consideration of the amusement he
had intentionally and unintentionally furnished to the passengers
during the voyage.
The treatment to which Barnum was subjected on his arrival in New
York, was in strange and discreditable contrast to that which he
had enjoyed abroad. He sometimes spoke of it in later life,
though without any bitterness. He was too much of a philosopher
to take it to heart. "After my arrival," he would say, "often, in
passing up and down Broadway, I saw old and prosperous friends
coming, but before I came anywhere near them, if they espied me,
they would dodge into a store, or across the street, or
opportunely meet some one with whom they had pressing business,
or they would be very much interested in something that was going
on over the way, or on top of the City Hall. I was delighted at
this, for it gave me at once a new sensation and a new
experience. 'Ah, ha!' I said to myself, 'my butterfly friends, I
know you now; and, what is more to the point, if ever I get out
of this bewilderment of broken clock-wheels, I shall not forget
you;' and I heartily thanked the old clock concern for giving me
the opportunity to learn this sad but most needful lesson. I had
a very few of the same sort of experiences in Bridgeport, and
they proved valuable to me."
One of Barnum's assignees was his neighbor and quondam
"gamekeeper," Mr. Johnson, and he it was who had written to
Barnum to return to America, to facilitate the settlement of his
affairs. He now told him that there was no probability of
disposing of Iranistan at present, and that therefore he might as
well move back into his old home. That was August. In September,
Barnum's family followed him to America, and they decided to take
Mr. Johnson's advice and re-occupy Iranistan. They went to
Bridgeport, to superintend arrangements, and there Barnum's
second daughter, Helen, was married to Mr. S. W. Hurd, on October
20, 1857.
"Meanwhile, Iranistan, which had been closed and unoccupied for
more than two years, was once more opened to the carpenters and
painters whom Mr. Johnson sent there to put the house in order.
He agreed with Barnum that it was best to keep the property as
long as possible, and in the interval, till a purchaser for the
estate appeared, or till it was forced to auction, to take up the
clock notes, whenever they were offered. The workmen who were
employed in the house were specially instructed not to smoke
there, but nevertheless, it was subsequently discovered that some
of the men were in the habit occasionally of going into the main
dome to eat their dinners which they brought with them, and that
they stayed there awhile after dinner to smoke their pipes. In
all probability, one of these lighted pipes was left on the
cushion which covered the circular seat in the dome and ignited
the tow with which the cushion was stuffed. It may have been days
and even weeks before this smouldering tow fire burst into flame.
Barnum was staying at the Astor House, in New York, when, on the
morning of December 18, 1857, he received a telegram from his
brother, Philo F. Barnum, dated at Bridgeport, and informing him
that Iranistan was burned to the ground that morning. The alarm
was given at eleven o'clock on the night of the 17th, and the
fire burned till one o'clock on the morning of the 18th.
This was, of course, a considerable loss to Barnum's estate, for
the house had cost about $150,000. It was also generally regarded
as a public calamity. This house had been the only building in
its peculiar style of architecture of any pretension in America,
and many persons had visited Bridgeport every year expressly to
see it. The insurance on the mansion had usually been about
$62,000, but Barnum had let some of the policies expire without
renewing them, so that at the time of the fire there was only
$28,000 insurance on the property. Most of the furniture and
pictures were saved, generally in a damaged state.
Subsequently, the assignees sold the grounds and outhouses of
Iranistan to Elias Howe, Jr., the inventor of the sewing-machine.
The property brought $50,000, which, with the $28,000 insurance
went into Barnum's assets to satisfy clock creditors. It was Mr.
Howe's intention to erect a splendid mansion on the estate, but
his untimely and lamented death prevented the fulfilment of the
plan.