My visits gradually became more frequent. Meanwhile my wants increased,
and the necessity of some change in my condition became daily more
urgent. This incited my reflections on the scheme which I had formed.
The time and place suitable to my design, were not selected without much
anxious inquiry and frequent waverings of purpose. These being at length
fixed, the interval to elapse, before the carrying of my design into
effect, was not without perturbation and suspense. These could not be
concealed from my new friend and at length prompted him to inquire into
the cause.
It was not possible to communicate the whole truth; but the warmth of
his manner inspired me with some degree of ingenuousness. I did not hide
from him my former hopes and my present destitute condition. He listened
to my tale with no expressions of sympathy, and when I had finished,
abruptly inquired whether I had any objection to a voyage to Europe? I
answered in the negative. He then said that he was preparing to depart
in a fortnight and advised me to make up my mind to accompany him.
This unexpected proposal gave me pleasure and surprize, but the want
of money occurred to me as an insuperable objection. On this being
mentioned, Oho! said he, carelessly, that objection is easily removed, I
will bear all expenses of your passage myself.
The extraordinary beneficence of this act as well as the air of
uncautiousness attending it, made me doubt the sincerity of his offer,
and when new declarations removed this doubt, I could not forbear
expressing at once my sense of his generosity and of my own
unworthiness.
He replied that generosity had been expunged from his catalogue as
having no meaning or a vicious one. It was the scope of his exertions
to be just. This was the sum of human duty, and he that fell short, ran
beside, or outstripped justice was a criminal. What he gave me was my
due or not my due. If it were my due, I might reasonably demand it from
him and it was wicked to withhold it. Merit on one side or gratitude on
the other, were contradictory and unintelligible.
If I were fully convinced that this benefit was not my due and yet
received it, he should hold me in contempt. The rectitude of my
principles and conduct would be the measure of his approbation, and no
benefit should he ever bestow which the receiver was not entitled to
claim, and which it would not be criminal in him to refuse.
These principles were not new from the mouth of Ludloe, but they had,
hitherto, been regarded as the fruits of a venturous speculation in my
mind. I had never traced them into their practical consequences, and if
his conduct on this occasion had not squared with his maxims, I should
not have imputed to him inconsistency. I did not ponder on these
reasonings at this time: objects of immediate importance engrossed my
thoughts.
One obstacle to this measure was removed. When my voyage was performed
how should I subsist in my new abode? I concealed not my perplexity and
he commented on it in his usual manner. How did I mean to subsist, he
asked, in my own country? The means of living would be, at least, as
much within my reach there as here. As to the pressure of immediate and
absolute want, he believed I should be exposed to little hazard.
With talents such as mine, I must be hunted by a destiny peculiarly
malignant, if I could not provide myself with necessaries wherever my
lot were cast.
He would make allowances, however, for my diffidence and self-distrust,
and would obviate my fears by expressing his own intentions with regard
to me. I must be apprized, however, of his true meaning. He laboured to
shun all hurtful and vitious things, and therefore carefully abstained
from making or confiding _in promises_. It was just to assist me in this
voyage, and it would probably be equally just to continue to me similar
assistance when it was finished. That indeed was a subject, in a great
degree, within my own cognizance. His aid would be proportioned to my
wants and to my merits, and I had only to take care that my claims were
just, for them to be admitted.
This scheme could not but appear to me eligible. I thirsted after an
acquaintance with new scenes; my present situation could not be changed
for a worse; I trusted to the constancy of Ludloe's friendship; to this
at least it was better to trust than to the success of my imposture on
Dorothy, which was adopted merely as a desperate expedient: finally I
determined to embark with him.
In the course of this voyage my mind was busily employed. There were
no other passengers beside ourselves, so that my own condition and the
character of Ludloe, continually presented themselves to my reflections.
It will be supposed that I was not a vague or indifferent observer.
There were no vicissitudes in the deportment or lapses in the discourse
of my friend. His feelings appeared to preserve an unchangeable tenor,
and his thoughts and words always to flow with the same rapidity. His
slumber was profound and his wakeful hours serene. He was regular and
temperate in all his exercises and gratifications. Hence were derived
his clear perceptions and exuberant health.
This treatment of me, like all his other mental and corporal operations,
was modelled by one inflexible standard. Certain scruples and delicacies
were incident to my situation. Of the existence of these he seemed to
be unconscious, and yet nothing escaped him inconsistent with a state of
absolute equality.
I was naturally inquisitive as to his fortune and the collateral
circumstances of his condition. My notions of politeness hindered me
from making direct inquiries. By indirect means I could gather nothing
but that his state was opulent and independent, and that he had two
sisters whose situation resembled his own.
Though, in conversation, he appeared to be governed by the utmost
candour; no light was let in upon the former transactions of his life.
The purpose of his visit to America I could merely guess to be the
gratification of curiosity.
My future pursuits must be supposed chiefly to occupy my attention. On
this head I was destitute of all stedfast views. Without profession or
habits of industry or sources of permanent revenue, the world appeared
to me an ocean on which my bark was set afloat, without compass or sail.
The world into which I was about to enter, was untried and unknown, and
though I could consent to profit by the guidance I was unwilling to rely
on the support of others.
This topic being nearest my heart, I frequently introduced into
conversation with my friend; but on this subject he always allowed
himself to be led by me, while on all others, he was zealous to
point the way. To every scheme that I proposed he was sure to cause
objections. All the liberal professions were censured as perverting the
understanding, by giving scope to the sordid motive of gain, or embuing
the mind with erroneous principles. Skill was slowly obtained, and
success, though integrity and independence must be given for it, dubious
and instable. The mechanical trades were equally obnoxious; they were
vitious by contributing to the spurious gratifications of the rich
and multiplying the objects of luxury; they were destruction to the
intellect and vigor of the artizan; they enervated his frame and
brutalized his mind.
When I pointed out to him the necessity of some species of labour, he
tacitly admitted that necessity, but refused to direct me in the choice
of a pursuit, which though not free from defect should yet have the
fewest inconveniences. He dwelt on the fewness of our actual wants,
the temptations which attend the possession of wealth, the benefits of
seclusion and privacy, and the duty of unfettering our minds from the
prejudices which govern the world.
His discourse tended merely to unsettle my views and increase my
perplexity. This effect was so uniform that I at length desisted from
all allusions to this theme and endeavoured to divert my own reflections
from it. When our voyage should be finished, and I should actually tread
this new stage, I believed that I should be better qualified to judge of
the measures to be taken by me.
At length we reached Belfast. From thence we immediately repaired to
Dublin. I was admitted as a member of his family. When I expressed
my uncertainty as to the place to which it would be proper for me to
repair, he gave me a blunt but cordial invitation to his house. My
circumstances allowed me no option and I readily complied. My attention
was for a time engrossed by a diversified succession of new objects.
Their novelty however disappearing, left me at liberty to turn my eyes
upon myself and my companion, and here my reflections were supplied with
abundant food.
His house was spacious and commodious, and furnished with profusion
and elegance. A suit of apartments was assigned to me, in which I
was permitted to reign uncontroled and access was permitted to a well
furnished library. My food was furnished in my own room, prepared in
the manner which I had previously directed. Occasionally Ludloe would
request my company to breakfast, when an hour was usually consumed in
earnest or sprightly conversation. At all other times he was invisible,
and his apartments, being wholly separate from mine, I had no
opportunity of discovering in what way his hours were employed.
He defended this mode of living as being most compatible with liberty.
He delighted to expatiate on the evils of cohabitation. Men, subjected
to the same regimen, compelled to eat and sleep and associate at certain
hours, were strangers to all rational independence and liberty. Society
would never be exempt from servitude and misery, till those artificial
ties which held human beings together under the same roof were
dissolved. He endeavoured to regulate his own conduct in pursuance
of these principles, and to secure to himself as much freedom as the
present regulations of society would permit. The same independence which
he claimed for himself he likewise extended to me. The distribution of
my own time, the selection of my own occupations and companions should
belong to myself.
But these privileges, though while listening to his arguments I could
not deny them to be valuable, I would have willingly dispensed with. The
solitude in which I lived became daily more painful. I ate and drank,
enjoyed clothing and shelter, without the exercise of forethought or
industry; I walked and sat, went out and returned for as long and at
what seasons I thought proper, yet my condition was a fertile source of
discontent.
I felt myself removed to a comfortless and chilling distance from
Ludloe. I wanted to share in his occupations and views. With all his
ingenuousness of aspect and overflow of thoughts, when he allowed me his
company, I felt myself painfully bewildered with regard to his genuine
condition and sentiments.
He had it in his power to introduce me to society, and without an
introduction, it was scarcely possible to gain access to any social
circle or domestic fireside. Add to this, my own obscure prospects and
dubious situation. Some regular intellectual pursuit would render my
state less irksome, but I had hitherto adopted no scheme of this kind.