THE POPE'S MULE

When Provencal people talked about an aggressive man with a grudge,

they used to say, "Beware of that man!... he is like the Pope's mule,

who saved up her kick for seven years."

I have long been trying to find out where the saying came from, and

what this papal mule and the seven year kick was all about. Nobody, not

even Francet Mamaï, my fife player, who knows the Provencal legends

like the back of his hand, has been able to tell me. Francet, like me,

thinks that it is from an old tale from Avignon, but he has not heard

of it elsewhere.

--You'll find it in the Cicada's open library, the old piper told me

with a snigger.

It seemed a good idea to me, and, the Cicada's library being right

outside my door, I decided to shut myself in for a week.

It's a marvellous library, well stocked, and open twenty four hours a

day to poets and it is served by those little cymbal-clashing

librarians who make music for you all the time. I stayed in there for

several delightful days, and after a week's searching--lying on my

back--I came up with just what I was looking for: my own version of the

mule with the famous seven year grudge. The story is charming and

simple, and I will tell it to you as I read it yesterday from a

manuscript, which had the lovely smell of dried lavender, and long

strands of maiden hair fern for bookmarks.

* * * * *

If you hadn't seen Avignon in papal times, you'd seen nothing. For

gaiety, life, vitality, and a succession of feasts, no town was its

peer. From morning till night there were processions, pilgrimages,

flower strewn streets, high-hung tapestries, cardinals' arriving on the

Rhone, buntings, galleries with flags flying, papal soldiers chanting

Latin in the squares, and brothers' rattling their collecting boxes.

There were such noises coming from the tallest to the smallest

dwelling, which crowded and buzzed all around the grand Papal Palace,

like bees round a hive. There was the click-click of the lace-makers'

machines, the to and fro of the shuttles weaving gold thread for the

chasubles, the little hammer taps of the cruet engravers, the twanging

harmonic scales of the string instrument makers, the sing-songs of the

weavers, and above all that, the peal of the bells, and the

ever-throbbing tambourines, down by the bridge. You see, here in

Provence, when people are happy, they must dance and dance. And then;

they must dance again. When the town streets proved too narrow for the

farandole, the fifers and tambourine players were placed in the cooling

breeze of the Rhone, _Sur le pont d'Avignon_, where, round the clock,

_l'on y dansait, l'on y dansait_. Oh, such happy times; such a happy

town. The halberds which have never killed anyone, the state prisons

used only to cool the wine. Never any famine. Never any war.... That's

how the Comtat Popes governed their people, and that's why their people

missed them so much....

There was one pope called Boniface who was a particularly good old

stick. Oh, how the tears flowed in Avignon when he died. He was such a

loveable, such a pleasant prince. He would laugh along with you as he

sat on his mule. And when you got near to him--were you a humble madder

plant gatherer or a great town magistrate--he blessed you just as

thoughtfully. Truly, a Pope from Yvetot, but a Provencal Yvetot, with

something joyful in his laugh, a hint of marjoram in his biretta, and

no sign of a lady love.... The only romantic delight ever known to the

good father, was his vineyard--a small one that he had planted himself

amongst the myrtles of Château-Neuf, a few kilometres from Avignon.

Every Sunday, after vespers, this decent man went to pay court to the

vineyard. As he sat in fine sunshine, his mule close by, his cardinals

sprawled out under the vines, he opened a bottle of vintage wine--a

fine wine, the colour of rubies, which has been known ever since as

_Château-Neuf du Pape_--which he liked to sip while looking fondly at

his vineyard. Then, the bottle empty and the daylight fading, he went

merrily back to town, his whole chapter in tow. As he passed over the

_pont d'Avignon_, amongst the drums and farandoles, his mule, taking

her cue from the music, began a jaunty little amble, while he himself

beat the dance rhythm out with his biretta. This shocked his cardinals,

but not so the people, who were delighted by it, and said, "What a good

prince! What a great pope!"

* * * * *

After his Château-Neuf vineyard, the pope loved his mule more than

anything else on earth. The old man was quite simply besotted with the

creature. Every night before going to bed, he made sure that the stable

was locked and that there was plenty for her to eat. Also, he never

rose from the table without a large bowl of wine, _à la française_,

made with sugar, herbs, and spices, and prepared under his own watchful

eye. He then took it, personally, to the mule, ignoring the cardinals'

reproaches. Certainly, the beast was well worth the trouble, for she

was a handsome, red-dappled, black mule, sure footed, glossy coated,

with a large full rump and proudly carrying her small, slim head fully

got up in pompoms, knots, silver bells and ribbons. She also showed an

honest eye, as sweet as an angel's, and her ever-twitching long ears

gave her a child-like, innocent appearance. Everybody in Avignon loved

her, and when she was trotting through the streets, they all looked

approvingly at her and made a great fuss of her; for everybody knew

that this was the best way to gain the pope's favour. In all innocence,

she had led many a one to good fortune, the proof of which lay in the

person of Tistet Védène and his wonderful venture.

This Tistet Védène was, in truth, a mischief-maker, to the point where

his father Guy Védène, the renowned goldsmith, had to run him out of

the house, because he refused to do anything and coaxed the apprentices

away from their work. For six months, he was seen hanging around every

low place in Avignon. He was mainly to be seen near the Papal house,

though, because this ne'er-do-well had something in mind for the Pope's

mule, and, as you will see, it was something malicious.... One day, as

His Holiness was out with his mule under the ramparts, along came

Tistet and accosted him, clasping his hands together in feigned

admiration:

--Oh, my lord, most Holy Father, what a splendid mule you have

there!... Let me feast my eyes on her.... Oh, my dear Pope, she's a

real beauty. I'll warrant the German Emperor doesn't have one like her.

Then he stroked her, and spoke gently to her as if she were a young

lady:

--Come here, my jewel, my treasure, my priceless pearl....

The kind Pope was truly moved and thought to himself:

--What a fine young boy!... And how kind he is to my mule.

And the result? The very next day, Tistet Védène exchanged his old

yellow coat for a beautiful lace cassock, a purple silk cape, and

buckled shoes ready for his entry into the Pope's choir school. An

establishment which, previously, had only taken in sons of the nobility

or cardinals' nephews. That's how intrigue was done. But Tistet didn't

stop at that.

Once he was in the Pope's service, the monkey did exactly the same

tricks he had mastered before. He was insolent to everybody, having

neither time nor consideration for anyone but the mule, and was to be

seen for ever in the palace courtyard with handfuls of oats or bundles

of sainfoin, gently shaking the pink bunches, as he looked at the Holy

Father's balcony, with a look as if to say,

"Who's this lovely food for, then?" So much so, indeed, that finally

the good Pope, who was beginning to feel his age, decided to leave the

care of looking after the stable and taking the mule her bowl of wine,

_à la française_, to none other than Tistet Védène. This did not amuse

the cardinals.

* * * * *

As for the mule; it didn't amuse her at all.... From now on, at the

time for her wine, she would witness five or six clerics from the choir

school, with their lace and capes, get in amongst her straw. Then,

shortly afterwards, a fine warm smell of caramel and aromatic herbs

filled the stable, and Tistet Védène appeared carefully carrying the

bowl of wine _à la française_. But the mule's agony was only just

beginning.

This scented wine, which she loved so much, and kept her warm, and made

her walk on air, was bought to her, in her very own manger, where it

was put right under her nose. And then, just as her flared nostrils

were full of it--it was cruelly snatched away--and the beautiful rosy

red liqueur disappeared down the throats of those clerical brats.... If

only they had been satisfied with just stealing the wine from her, but

there was more to come. They were like demons, these clerical nobodies;

after they had drunk the wine, one pulled her ears, another her tail;

and while Quiquet mounted her, Béluguet tried his biretta on her. But

not one of these thugs realised that with one butt or kick in the

kidneys, the brave animal could have sent them all to kingdom come, or

beyond. But, she wouldn't! She was not the Pope's mule for nothing, the

mule associated with benedictions and indulgences. They often did their

worst; but she kept her temper under control. It was just Tistet Védène

that she really hated. When she felt him behind her, her hoof would

itch to give him what for. The villainous Tistet played some terrible

tricks on her. And after a drink or two, he came up with some very

cruel inventions.

One day he decided to drive her up the bell tower of the choir school;

to the very pinnacle of the palace. This really happened--two hundred

thousand Provencal folk will tell you they've seen it! Imagine the

terror of the luckless mule, when, after being shoved blindly up a

spiral staircase and climbing who knows how many steps, she found

herself suddenly dazzled on a brilliantly lit platform from where she

could see the whole of a fantastic Avignon far below her, the market

stalls no bigger than hazel nuts, the Pope's soldiers in front of their

barracks looking like red ants, and there on a silvery thread, a tiny,

microscopic bridge where _l'on y dansait, l'on y dansait_. Oh, the poor

beast! She really panicked. She cried out loud enough to rattle the

palace windows.

--What's the matter, what's happening to her? cried the Pope rushing to

his balcony.

Tistet Védène, already back down in the courtyard, was pretending to

cry and pull out his hair,

--Oh, most Holy Father, it's ... it's your mule.... My lord, how will

it all end? Your mule has climbed up into the bell tower....

--All alone?

--Yes, most Holy Father, all alone.... Look, look at her, up there....

Can't you see the end her ears sticking up?... They look like a couple

of swallows from here....

--God help us! said the Pope beside himself and looking up.... She must

have gone mad! She's going to kill herself.... Come down, you fool!...

Well! there was nothing she would have liked better ... but how? The

stairs were not to be entertained, you could climb them alright, but

coming down was a different story; there were a hundred different ways

to break your legs.... The poor mule was very distressed, and wandered

about the platform, her huge eyes spinning from vertigo, and

contemplated Tistet Védène,

--Well, you swine, if I get out of this alive ... tomorrow morning will

bring you such a kicking!

The thought of revenge revitalised her; without it she couldn't

possibly have held on. At last, somebody managed to bring her down, but

it was quite a struggle needing ropes, a block and tackle, and a

cradle. Imagine what a humiliation it was for a Pope's mule to find

herself hanging from a great height, legs thrashing about like a fly

caught in a web. Just about everyone in Avignon was there to witness it.

The unhappy creature could no longer sleep at nights. She imagined that

she was still spinning round on the cradle, with the whole town below

laughing at her. Then her mind turned to the despicable Tistet Védène

and the really good kicking that she was going to give him the very

next morning. Oh, what a hell of a kicking that was going to be! The

dust would be seen flying from far away.... Now, while the stable was

being prepared for her, what do you think our Tistet Védène was up to?

He was sailing down the Rhone, if you please, singing on a papal galley

on his way to the court at Naples, accompanying the troupe of young

nobles who were sent there by the town to practice their diplomacy and

good manners in Italy. Tistet was no nobleman, but the Pope insisted on

rewarding him for his care of the mule, particularly for the part he

had just played in her rescue.

So, it was the mule who was disappointed the next day.

--Oh, the swine, he has got wind of something! she thought shaking her

bells furiously...; but that's alright, go away if you must, you

mischief-maker, you will still get your kicking when you get back.... I

will save it for you!

And save it for him, she did.

After Tistet's departure, the Pope's mule returned to her tranquil life

and ways of the old times. No more Quiquet, or Béluguet in the stable.

The happy days of wine _à la française_ returned, and with them came

contentment, long siestas, and even the chance to do her own little

gavotte once again, when she went _sur le pont d'Avignon_. And yet,

since her adventure, she felt a certain coolness towards her in the

town. Whispers followed her on her way, old folks shook their heads,

and youngsters laughed and pointed at the bell tower. Even the good

Pope himself hadn't as much confidence in his furry friend and when he

wanted a nap mounted on the mule, coming back from the vineyard on

Sundays, he feared that he would wake up on top of the bell tower! The

mule felt all this, but suffered it in silence, except when the name

Tistet Védène was mentioned in front of her, when her ears would twitch

and she would snort briefly as she whetted her iron shoes on the paving

stones.

Seven years passed before Tistet Védène returned from the court at

Naples. His time over there wasn't finished, but he had heard that the

Pope's Head Mustard-Maker had suddenly died in Avignon, and he thought

the position was a good one, so he rushed to join the line of

applicants.

When the scheming Védène came into the palace, he had grown and

broadened out so much, that the Holy Father hardly recognised him. It

has to be admitted though that the Pope himself had aged and couldn't

see too well without his spectacles.

Tistet wasn't one to be intimidated.

--Most Holy Father, can you not recognise me? It is I, Tistet Védène....

--Védène?...

--Yes, you know me well.... I once served the wine, _à la française_,

to your mule.

--Oh, yes, yes.... I remember.... A good little boy, Tistet Védène....

And now, what can we do for him?

--Oh, not a lot, most Holy Father.... I came to ask you something....

By the way, have you still got your mule? Is she keeping well?... Oh,

that's good.... I came to ask you for the position of your Head

Mustard-Maker, who has just died.

--Head Mustard-Maker, you! You're far too young. How old are you, now?

--Twenty years and two months, great pontiff, exactly five years older

than your mule.... Oh, what a prize of God, a fine beast! If you only

knew how much I loved that mule and how much I longed for her in Italy.

Please may I see her?

--Yes, my child, you may see her, said the good, and by now, very moved

Pope, and, as you care so much for the dear thing, I don't want you to

live too far away. From this day forward, I am appointing you into my

presence in the office of Head Mustard-Maker.... My cardinals will

protest, but so what; I'm quite used to that.... Come and see us

tomorrow after vespers, we will give you the insignias of your office

in the presence of our chapter, and then ... I'll take you to see the

mule and you can accompany us to the vineyard.... Well, well, let's do

it....

I needn't tell you that Tistet Védène left the hall walking on air, and

couldn't wait for the next day's ceremony. And yet, there was someone

in the palace, someone even happier and more impatient than he. Yes, it

was the mule. From the moment Védène returned, right until the next

day's vespers, the fearsome beast never stopped stuffing herself with

hay and kicking her rear hoofs out at the wall. She, too, was making

her own special preparations for the ceremony....

And so, the next day, after vespers, Tistet Védène made his entry into

the courtyard of the papal palace. All the head clergymen were there,

the cardinals in red robes, the devil's advocate in black velvet, the

convent's abbots in their petite mitres, the church wardens of

Saint-Agrico, and the purple capes of the choir school. The rank and

file clergy were also there, the papal guard in full dress uniform, the

three brotherhoods of penitentiaries, the Mount Ventoux hermits with

their wild looks, and the little clerk who followed them carrying his

bell. Also there were the flagellant brothers, naked to the waist, the

sacristans, sprouting judge's robes, and all and sundry, even the

holy-water dispensers, and those that light, and those that extinguish,

the candles.... Not one of them was missing.... It was a great

ordination! Bells, fireworks, sunshine, music and, as always, the

tambourine playing fanatics leading the dance, over there, _sur le pont

d'Avignon_....

When Védène appeared in the midst of the assembly, his bearing and

handsome appearance set off quite a murmur of approval. He was the

magnificent type of a man from Provence, from fair-headed stock with

curly hair and a small wispy beard which could have been made from the

fine metal shavings fallen from his goldsmith father's chisel. Rumour

has it that Queen Jeanne's fingers had occasionally toyed with that

blond beard. The majesty of Védène had indeed a glorious aspect; he had

the vain, distracted look of men who have been loved by queens. On that

day, as a courtesy to his native country, he had exchanged his

Neapolitan clothes for a pink, braided jacket in the Provencal style,

and a huge plume from an ibis on the Camargue fluttered on his hood.

The moment he entered as the new Head Mustard-Maker, he gave a general,

gentlemanly greeting and made his way towards the high steps, where the

Pope was waiting to give him his insignias of office: the yellow

boxwood spoon and the saffron uniform. The mule was at the bottom of

the steps, harnessed and ready to go to the vineyard.

As he passed her, Tistet Védène gave a broad smile, and paused to give

her two or three friendly pats on the back, making sure, out of the

corner of his eye, that the pope was watching.... The mule steadied

herself:

--There you are! Caught you, you swine! I have saved this up for you

for seven long years!

And she let loose a mule-kick of really terrible proportions, so that

the dust from it was seen from a long way away--a whirlwind of blond

haze and a fluttering ibis's feather were all that was left of the

unfortunate Tistet Védène!...

Mules' kicks are not normally of such lightning speed, but she was a

papal mule; and consider this; she had held it back for seven long

years. There was never a better demonstration of an ecclesiastical

grudge.