(_From_ 144, _in Fraser's Magazine_.)
It is perfectly possible to make champagne from gooseberries, equal to
that yielded by the grape. _Exampli gratiâ_: Lord Haddington, who
is a first-rate judge of wines, had a bottle of mock and one of real
champagne set before him, and was requested to say which was which. He
mistook the product of the gooseberry for the genuine article; and many
persons, reputed good judges, have done the same thing.
By putting a piece of lump-sugar, the size of a walnut, into the
tea-pot, you will make the tea infuse in one-half the time. This fact is
well known to bag-men and stage-coach travellers.
Members of dilletanti societies are generally especial asses:
their eternal talk about the fine arts, drawing, colouring, harmony,
composition, chiaro-scuro, fore-shortening, design, and so forth,
is enough to turn the stomach of a horse. The thing is the more
insufferable, because they absolutely know nothing of the subject,
and have about as much real appreciation of works of genius as
a pig possesses for the inventions of Watt or Daedalus.
While prigs of the above description are eternally chattering about such
topics, men who are really eminent in the fine arts never say a word on
the subject. Goldsmith describes this matter well in his account of Sir
Joshua Reynolds:--
To coxcombs averse, yet most civilly steering,
When they judged without skill he was still hard of hearing;
When they talk'd of their Raphaels, Correggios, and stuff,
He shifted his trumpet, and only took snuff."
When I see a man who affects to doubt everything he hears, I never
hesitate about writing him down an ass. A great doubter is a solemn and
self-conceited prig. How amusing is it to see the blockhead shake his
empty pate, compress his lips into a sneer, and turn up his absurd
unmeaning eyes in dubious disbelief, when he hears aught which he thinks
it would imply sagacity to discredit! Such persons imagine, that to be a
great doubter implies wisdom; whereas, in their case, it has its origin
in constitutional phlegm and stupidity.
Arguers and spouters are invariably asses.
If you wish to make yourself agreeable to any one, talk as much as you
please about his or her affairs, and as little as possible about your
own. People are such downright egotists themselves, that they cannot
tolerate egotism in others.
A person who cannot relish absurdity and wit, and must, moreover, have
a satisfactory reason for whatever is said or done, is a philosophical
blockhead.
The best tooth-powder in the world is Armenian hole, a pennyworth of
which will serve a man for six months.
If a man pronounces you a liar, it is very absurd to call him out for
the same. This ceremony does not prove that you are _not a liar_;
it only shows, that you possess sufficient courage to stand at the
distance of twelve paces, while a pistol--probably a leadless one--is
fired at you.
Snuff-taking in a woman is abominable, unless she be very aged--say
eighty, or upwards--when it is rather becoming than otherwise.
Young girls, of from fourteen to seventeen, are fond of aping the woman
in their dress, and are partial to long shawls, which give the young
things a matronly appearance. When they become women in reality, they
are rather too apt to go upon the opposite tack, and to assume the dress
and airs of the girl.
A well-made man always looks shorter than he is; ditto a well-made
woman.
A story-teller, or dealer in anecdote, is an abomination that ought to
be expelled from all well-regulated societies. A man of an original and
truly powerful mind never deals in anecdotes, unless it be for the
purpose of illustrating some general principle. Women and weak men are
all addicted to the vice. If a person of this description begins to
annoy a company with his or her twaddle, the only cure for it is to
affect deafness--a very convenient infirmity at times.
_A hint to Cooks_.--Roasted chestnuts, grated or sliced, make an
excellent addition to the stuffing for turkeys or geese.
_Another hint_.--In boiling salmon, split the fish from head to
tail; if you do not do this, but boil it entire, or cut horizontally
through the middle, it is impossible to cook it thoroughly, the
thickness of the back and shoulders being such, that, if the outside be
properly done, the inside must needs be little better than parboiled. On
the Tweed, and other salmon districts, the latter system is held in
abomination.
A clever servant is almost invariably quick tempered. The reason is
obvious: superior talent is always accompanied by pride, which must meet
with many petty annoyances in the menial state.
Never praise or talk of your children to other people; for, depend upon
it, no person except yourself cares a single farthing about them.
Sea-gull eggs, when boiled hard and eaten cold, with pepper, salt,
vinegar, and mustard, make a delightful breakfast dish. Many persons
have an antipathy to such eggs; but it is from eating them in the soft
state, when they have always a fishy taste. Try them as above, and they
will change their opinions upon the subject.
If a person has a great knack at finding out feats of legerdemain, you
may pronounce him a blockhead. I never knew a clever man who was worth
a farthing at detecting such tricks.
I have a profound veneration for great liars of a certain class. On this
account Baron Munchausen, Major Longbow, and Ferdinand Mendez Pinto,
are my especial favourites. Men of this description are invariably
good-tempered, benevolent, and generous; and will, any day, treat you to
a bottle of wine, provided you do them the favour of listening to their
adventures.
_Important to Drunkards_.--If, an hour before sitting down to
drink, you take a grain or two of opium, you will be able to withstand
a much greater quantity than otherwise of liquor. This fact has escaped
the observation of Macnish.
Some stupid people suppose that imagination and philosophy are
incompatible. Blockheads! Was not Bacon, the greatest of philosophers,
one of the most imaginative of men? There is more true philosophy in the
writings of Shakespeare, Milton, and Scott, than in those of all the
metaphysicians that ever existed.
An accomplished woman, in common parlance, means one who sings and
dances well, knows a little French, a little Italian, a little drawing,
a little embroidery, and not much of any thing, excepting fashionable
novels; in which she is a great adept.
A lady's album is generally worth looking at, as a psychological
curiosity, indicative, to a considerable extent, of the taste and
feelings of its owner.
If a man borrows a shilling from you, and on being dunned pretends to
have forgotten it, you may with considerable safety set him down for
a liar.
When a man finds it convenient to tell a lie, he should sport a good
thumping one when he is about it. If a great lie serves his purpose
better than a little one, why hesitate between the two, when the sin is
equally great in both cases? The former has this advantage, that, when
detected, its enormity may be so great as to enable the person to pass
it off as a piece of quizzery, which can never be done with the latter.
Heroic liars, such as the Baron or Major, are a godly race; but those
who practise the sin in a small way, and keep fibbing about trifles are
a despicable crew, and should be held by the heels, and soused head
down-most in a firkin of small beer.
Men who are, or who fancy themselves to be good singers, are great
bores. The airs which they assume in company are most insufferable. If
asked for a song, they affect, with an aspect of the most hypocritical
humility, that really they cannot sing--that their voice is out of
order--that they are hoarse, and so forth; the fellows all the while
being most anxious to show forth, only wanting to be pressed, in order
to enhance their own importance, and stimulate the curiosity of the
company. Nor is this the worst of the case; for no sooner do they
perpetrate one song, than they volunteer a dozen, interlarding the
intervals between their performances with pedantic disquisitions on
music, and flooring every man who ventures to hazard an opinion on
the subject. These people, whether amateur or professional, must be
extinguished; and the best way to accomplish their overthrow, and
reduce them to their native insignificance, is, in the first instance,
to take them at their word, and not urge them to sing. By so doing, they
immediately take the pet, and sport mum for the rest of the evening.
The same remarks apply to musical people in general, whether in the
shape of fiddlers, fluters, horn blowers, thumpers on the pianoforte,
&c. These individuals can think of nothing else but their favourite
pursuit, and imagine all the world to be equally interested in it. Take
a musician off music, and he is the most ignorant of animals. A good
story in illustration of this is told about Madame Catalani. Being at a
large party in Vienna, where Goethe was present, she was much surprised
at the great respect with which that illustrious man was treated.
On inquiring his name, she was informed it was the celebrated Goethe.
"Celebrated!" said the siren; "what music did he ever compose? Why,
I never heard of him!"
An absurd prejudice prevails among many people against the skate. If
this fish is hung up and dried for a day or two, then cut in slices,
done on the gridiron, and eaten with butter, it is most delicious.
N.B. The female skate is more delicate than the male.
Persons who indulge in conundrums, charades &c. are invariably poor
creatures; as are those who have a knack at finding out such trifles.
The same remark applies to punsters. It is difficult for a man of
sterling talent to perpetrate a pun, or to solve an enigma. On the
latter account, Oedipus must have been an ass.
A fact.--Nine-tenths of the catsup which is sold in the shops is a vile
compound of liver and the roan of fish, seasoned with vinegar, pepper,
and other condiments. If you wish the article genuine, you must procure
mushrooms, and make it yourself.
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