[Illustration: Going Nap.]
_Any Time in August._--Just been reading capital article in _Nineteenth
Century_, by Dr. JAMES MUIR HOWIE, on the "Nerve Rest-Cure," which
says--"For those who cannot get a sufficient holiday, the best
substitute is an occasional day in bed." Why not several days in bed? In
fact one's whole summer holiday? "Better than climbing toilsome
mountains," he remarks. Quite so--and much better than toilsome trip to
Ramsgate with one's whole family in tow. (Think of the Old Woman who
lived in a Shoe. _She_ had all her family in _toe_. Laugh feebly at my
own joke. Really my nerves must be _very_ bad.) Best feature of new
holiday plan, however, is its _cheapness_. Was quite at a loss how to
afford our annual trip till HOWIE came to rescue with his "(y)early to
bed" cure. Announce to family that I intend following Dr. HOWIE'S
advice. Family seems too stupefied to say anything.
_Evening._--Family has found its voice. Protests unanimously and quite
fiercely against new holiday plan. Wife "sure I can afford trip to
sea-side." If not, _where_ does my money go to? Argument forcible, but
unpleasant.
_First Day._--Holiday begins. Sleep till 11 A.M. Scrumpshous! Should
have slept longer, but two hurdy-gurdies stop outside, playing different
airs. Not only murder the tunes, but "murder sleep" as well. Listen for
ten minutes--nerves terribly shaky. Oughtn't to get out of bed, HOWIE
says, but must. See my eldest boy, HENRY, giving Italian fiends money!
What does this unwonted generosity mean?
_Afternoon._--Dinner in bed not a success. Everything underdone. Tell
wife. She says, "Cook and servants in bad tempers; thought we were all
going to Ramsgate, and they would have rest." Rest means clandestine
kitchen parties. Feel angry--bad for nerves, but can't help it. Sleep
impossible, as bed full of crumbs. Wonder HOWIE didn't think of this.
Send HENRY for evening paper--perhaps it will soothe me.
It doesn't. He brings back one three days old. Says shopman gave it him!
Send him again, and shop closed for night. Nerves actually _worse than
ever_.
_Second Day._--Had disturbed night, owing to lack of my usual exercise
yesterday. Still must stick to HOWIE'S prescription. Terrific row in
house. Wife comes up after breakfast (in tears) to say children,
deprived of sea-side trip, are ungovernable; pretend to be buffaloes and
Cowboys _in drawing-room_! Already two valuable vases wrecked. Hang the
children! Hang Colonel CODY too! Still even paying for new vases cheaper
than Ramsgate lodgings. Read morning paper. Just dropping off to sleep
over somebody's important speech on Ireland, when----
_Three_ hurdy-gurdies outside! Rush to window, open it, and bid men
avaunt. They won't avaunt. Say "they've been ordered to come every
morning for a month by the young gent." This must be HENRY'S "Plan of
Campaign." Send for him, and find he has prudently gone out. Nothing for
it but to stuff cotton-wool into ears till men go. Cotton-wool in ears
for a whole hour _shatters_ nerves.
_Third Day._--Much worse. Though I've given strict orders that no
letters or bills are to be sent up to my bed-room, find Tax-Collector's
little "Demand-Note" wrapped in fold of morning paper! Annoyed. Perhaps,
after all, HOWIE wrong. Hullo! what's that? Somebody on my window-sill!
Burglars? No, can't be. How bad all this is for my nerves. Spring up in
time to see HENRY disappearing down rope-ladder, which he and his
brothers have let down from roof. How horribly dangerous! Ring
violently. Hear heavy thud in garden. Talk of "Nerve Rest-Cure"--rest of
my nerves gone long ago, none left to be cured.
Wife (in tears again--awfully bad for nerves this) says the thud was not
HENRY falling; boys have pulled down part of chimney, which has smashed
the front steps--that's all. She suggests that perhaps, after all, this
holiday plan in bed is not so good as----
_Five hurdy-gurdies_ to-day! Maddening! Hired by HENRY, wife says. Send
_him_ to bed for whole day; we'll see how he likes "Rest-Cure" for _his_
nerves. Get up gloomily, dress, and go downstairs. Pitch _Nineteenth
Century_ into waste-paper basket. Feel nerves better after it. Decide on
Ramsgate, as usual, and so ends my holiday in bed--my "Sleepy Hollow"
day!
* * * * *
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Transcriber Notes:
Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.
Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=.
Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.
Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe".
Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of
the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.
The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up
paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.
Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected
unless otherwise noted.