SCENE--_The Thames Embankment. Crowd discovered, waiting for
Lord Mayor's Show._
_Female Pleasure-seeker (whose temper is apt to be a little uncertain on
these occasions, to her husband)._ We ought to have started at _least_
an hour earlier--just look at the number of people here already! You
_would_ dawdle--and it wasn't for want of speaking to, _I'm_ sure!
_Her Husband (mildly)._ It certainly was _not_. Only, as the Show can't
possibly pass for two hours, at least----
_She._ _Two hours!_ Am I to stand about in this crowd all _that_ time?
_He (with a feeble jocularity)._ Unless you prefer to climb a tree.
_She._ Then, John, all I can say is, I wish I had stayed at home! (_John
murmurs a silent, but fervent assent._)
_A Practical Pleasure-seeker._ Now I tell you what we'll _do_,
MARIA--you take WEETIE, and keep close to me, and I'll look after
DUGGIE, and we'll just stroll comfortably up and down till the very last
minute, and drop comfortably into front places, and there we are!
_Patriotic P._ What I like about occasions like this, is the spectacle
of a thoroughly good-humoured, well-behaved British crowd--you don't see
that on the _Continent_, y'know!
_More Patriotic P. (thoughtfully)._ No, that's perfectly true; and what
I say is--we don't want all these police about. Trust more to the
general spirit of decency and order--let the people feel they _are_
trusted!
_A Socialist._ Ah, you're right. Did you year what one of the Orators
said in the Square the other afternoon? He told 'em Sir CHARLES would
'ave to be as wide awake as what he was 'imself, to prevent a Unemployed
Demonstration to-day. "Let him remember," says he, "it's in our power to
do that within arf a mile of the Mansion House, which would make the
'ole civilised world ring with 'orror," he says. And it's men like that
as they're trying to silence and intimerdate!
_The P. P.'s (edging away a little nervously, to one another)._ Well, I
hope the Police are keeping a sharp look-out. I--I don't seem to see so
many about as usual, eh?
_A Speculator_ (with two tubs and a board) to Female P._ 'Ere you are,
lydy, hony two shellin' fur a fust-rate stand--you won't see no better
if you was to pay a suvring!
_Female P._ You may say what you _like_, but I'm not going to tramp
about any longer, and if you're so mean as to grudge two shillings--why,
I can pay for myself!
_Husb._ Oh, hang it--get up if you want to!
_The Practical P._ Well, MARIA, it's no use worrying _now_--we must go
and ask at the Police-Stations afterwards--it was a mistake to bring
them!
_The Patriotic P._ Of course one is _told_ there's a good deal of rough
horse-play on these occasions, but anything more entirely----
[_A "larrikin" comes up behind and "bashes" his hat in; a
string of playful youths seize each other by the waist and rush
in single file through crowd, upsetting everybody in their way;
both the_ Patriotic Pleasure-seekers _go home by the
Underground, without waiting for the Procession_.
_The Female P. (on the stand)._ JOHN, I'm sure this board isn't safe. We
should see ever so much better on one of those carts--they're only
asking sixpence, JOHN. You _are_ the worst person to come out with--you
never give yourself the smallest trouble--I have to do it all! _You_ can
stop here if you choose, _I'm_ going to get into one of those carts!
[_She and_ JOHN _descend, and mount upon a coal-cart which is being
driven slowly along the route_.
_Later; Procession approaching, distant music._
_Crowd (jumping up and down like "skip-jacks" to see better)._ 'Ere they
are, they're coming!
[_The way is cleared by trotting mounted Constables._
_Stout Lady._ Well, if I wanted to faint ever so, I couldn't now--where
are you, my dear?
_Another Stout Lady (cheerfully)._ I'm all right, Mrs. PORTER, Mum. I've
got tight 'old of this nice young Perliceman's belt--don't you fret
yourself about me!
_Experienced Sightseer (catching hold of little_ DUGGIE _and placing him
in front, then pushing forward_). Make room for this little boy, will
you, please, I want him to see.
_Crowd good-naturedly make way, affording unimpeded view of procession
to_ DUGGIE--_and the_ Experienced Sightseer, _who troubles himself no
further_.
_A Superior Sightseer._ To think of the traffic of the first city in the
world being stopped for this contemptible tomfoolery!
[_Fights hard for a front place._
_Procession passing._
_Impertinent Female (to gorgeous Coachman)._ 'Ow you _'ave_ altered!
_Well-informed Person (pointing out City Marshal)._ That's Sir CHARLES,
that is!
_Unemployed (smarting with sense of recent wrongs)._ Yah, toirant!
[_The C. M. beams with gratification._
_Open carriages pass, containing Aldermen in tall hats and fur-coats._
_Critical Crowd._ Brush yer 'ats! There's a nose! Oh, ain't he bin
'avin' a go at the sherry afore he started, neither! 'Ere comes old "Sir
BEN"--that's 'im in the white pot 'at!
[_They cheer_ Sir BEN--_without, however, any clear notion why_.
_Allegorical Cars pass._
_Crowd._ Don't they look chilly up there! 'Old on to your globe, Sir!
Don't ketch cold in them tights, Miss! They've run up agin somethink,
that lot 'ave. See where it's all bent in--eh?
_Lord Mayor's Coach passes._
_Crowd._ 'Ooray! That's 'im with the muff on. No, it ain't, yer soft
'ed! It's 'im in the feathered 'at a-layin' back. Whoy don't yer let 'im
set on yer lap, Guv'nor? &c., &c.
_A block. Lady Mayoress's Coach stopping._
_Crowd._ There's dresses! They must ha' cost a tidy penny!
_Agitator._ Wrung out of the pockets of the poor working-man! _I'd_
dress 'em, I would! Why should sech as you and me keep the likes
o' them in laziness? If we 'ad our rights, it's _us_ as 'ud be riding in
their places!
_Artisan (after a glance at him)._ Dunno as the Show'd be much the
prettier to look at for _that_, mate.
_After the Procession._
_Practical Pleasure-seeker (who has been pushed into a back row, and
seen nothing but the banners, to_ DUGGIE _and_ WEETIE, _miraculously
recovered_). Thank Heaven, they're found! Children, let this be a
lesson to you in future never to----What? Seen the Show beautifully,
have you? (_Boiling over._) Oh, very well--wait till I get you
home!
_The Female P._ Now, don't say another word, JOHN,--anyone but
an _idiot_ would have _known_ that that cart would be turned down a
back-street! If I hadn't _insisted_ on getting out when I did, we
should have missed the Show altogether. Policeman, is the Show
ever coming? Shall we get a good view from here?
_Policeman._ Capital view, Mum--if you don't mind waiting till
next November! [_Tableau. Curtain._
* * * * *
[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 53.
THE FIRST MEET OF THE SEASON.]
* * * * *
The Ingratitude of Grandolph.
Many terrible things have our patriots seen;
They have seen their dear DIZZY extending the suffrage,
And versatile GLADSTONE a-wearing the Green,
And HARCOURT defending Home Rule and the rough-rage;
And Disintegration approaching our realm,
And Rads--so they fancy--inviting invaders;
But that which their souls must with woe most o'erwhelm
Is--Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL a-chaffing Fair Traders!
* * *
"'_Jam' satis,_" as our Schoolmaster had just breath enough to
murmur when he escaped from out of the midst of a Socialist Meeting
in Trafalgar Square.
* * *
Unfortunately, the great enemy of the Teetotal Temperance Societies
is--the British "Public."
* * * * *