The near approach of Christmas, with its fireside stories, has suggested
the following list of questions for examination that may be put to
himself by any intending _raconteur_. As he may be sure that if he can
tackle them satisfactorily he will be able effectually to enchain any
family circle he may come across during the coming festive season, he
may be safely recommended to go at them in all confidence:--
1. What is a "spook"? Have you ever met one in society? Define
"telepathy." Can you send a "telepathigram"? If so, do you think it
would cost more than a halfpenny a word?
2. Write a short biographical notice of Messrs. MYERS AND GURNEY. State
which of the two you would rather be, and give, if you can, your reasons
for your answer.
3. Furnish a brief abstract, that must not exceed 300 pages, of their
joint work, _Phantasms of the Living_. What would be the present price
of the two volumes on MUDIE'S Second-hand List?
4. A certain Mr. BROWN knew a Captain JONES, who knew a Major ROBINSON,
who one night sitting at Mess at a hill-station in the Central Provinces
of India, thought he saw a figure on the verandah and felt a sudden dig
in the side as if somebody had pushed him with his elbow. He had been
mixing his wines rather freely, but turning to his neighbour, he said,
"I am almost sure something has happened to my Uncle JAMES." He
subsequently wrote a dozen letters to England on the subject, but could
never get any answer; and to this day, though his Uncle JAMES is known
to be alive and quite well, the matter remains a mystery. To what class
of "inconsequent warnings" could you refer this experience?
5. At Bansbury House, Buckinghamshire, a phantom omnibus full inside and
out of headless passengers, drives three times round the central
grass-plot on the eve of the day on which the heir orders a new
dress-coat. Account for this, if you can, and compare it with the
reported apparition of the famous luminous elephant said to be visible
to the Lairds of Glenhuish whenever the amount of their butcher's-book
reaches the sum of L20.
6. Detail the circumstances that are said to explain the curious conduct
of the celebrated little old man in the bagwig and faded blue velvet
coat, that haunts the principal guest bedchamber at Tokenhouse Manor. To
what is he supposed to refer when after mournfully shaking his head
three times he says, "It's the mustard that did it!" Examine this, and
give some reasons to account for the fact that he invariably disappears
in the linen cupboard.
7. Give the various popular versions of the secret which imparted at
Rheums Castle to (1) the heir, on his attaining his majority, (2) the
family butler, and (3) a select circle of intimate friends who may have
chanced to attend on the occasion regarding the matter as an excellent
joke, instantly turns their hair white, causes them to look thirty years
older, and makes them talk in whispers, and wear an expression of
melancholy terror for the rest of their lives.
8. The hall of a well-known modern villa at Brixton is haunted by the
spectre of a coal-heaver, who carries his head under his arm; and,
whenever it is opened, he is visible on the mat, just inside the front
door. Tradesmen, therefore, calling with their accounts, rush away,
terror-stricken, without waiting for payment, and visitors coming to
five o'clock tea are carried off in violent hysterics to the nearest
chemist's. As the landlord cannot induce any bailiffs to cross the
threshold, the tenant who is, notwithstanding their ghastly condition,
quite cheerful on the premises, is several quarters in arrear with his
rent. State, under the circumstances, what proceedings, if any, you
would take to "lay" the ghost.
9. It is well known that the celebrated gallery at Bingham Place,
Somersetshire, is haunted, after midnight, by the apparition of a knight
in full armour, who heralds his approach by the clanking of chains and
cannon-balls, and who, after flinging about the boots and hot-water cans
standing at the doors of the various guest-chambers, tumbles
head-over-heels down-stairs, shrieking the refrain of a thirteenth
century hunting-chorus, and having thoroughly awakened everybody
sleeping on the premises, finally disappears with a loud unearthly wail,
in the butler's pantry. State what you think would be the probable
result of waiting for the appearance of this spectre, and then suddenly
hitting it hard over the knees with a cricket-bat.
10. Give the story of the well-known "haunted house" in Belgrave Square.
How would the unconscious tenant who had taken it furnished be likely to
account for the punctual appearance, at half-past nine every evening,
among his guests in the back drawing-room, of the eyeless baronet, in a
dressing-gown, dragging the two elderly females by the hair of their
heads about in a deadly struggle, and, after continuing it for
three-quarters of an hour, ultimately vanishing, as if exhausted,
apparently into the grand piano? Would you advise him to take his guests
into his confidence, and apologise for the intrusion, or pretend to
notice nothing unusual in the phenomenon, and simply ignore it? Examine
the situation, and conclude your paper by dealing with it in the shape
of a short essay on "the position of the Ghost considered in relation to
Society."
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[Illustration: "LUXURY."
(_According to the latest Edition of "Knight Thoughts."_)
_Alderman (to his Guest, after a good dinner)._ "'ELP Y'SHELF! RECOLLEC'
EVERY BO'LE O' CHAMPAGNE WE DRINK, PROVI'SH EMPLOYMENT FOR THE WORKIN'
CLASSHESH!!"]
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