BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III.: BEING AN ALLEGORICAL PANEGYRIC OF THE
INCONTROVERTIBLE MACHINATIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL USURPER.
[Illustration: RICHARD III.]
We will now write out a few personal recollections of Richard III. This
great monarch, of whom so much has been said pro and con,--but mostly
con,--was born at Fotheringhay Castle, October 2, 1452, in the presence
of his parents and a physician whose name has at this moment escaped the
treacherous memory of the historian.
Richard was the son of Richard, Duke of York, and Cecily Neville,
daughter of the Earl of Westmoreland, his father being the legitimate
heir to the throne by descent in the female line, so he was the head of
the Yorkists in the War of the Roses.
Richard's father, the Duke of York, while struggling one day with Henry
VI., the royal jackass that flourished in 1460, prior to the conquest
of the Fool-Killer, had the misfortune, while trying to wrest the throne
from Henry, to get himself amputated at the second joint. He was brought
home in two pieces, and ceased to draw a salary as a duke from that on.
This cast a gloom over Richard, and inspired in his breast a strong
desire to cut off the heads of a few casual acquaintances.
He was but eight years of age at this time, and was taken prisoner and
sent to Utrecht, Holland. He was returned in good order the following
year. His elder brother Edward having become king, under the title of
Edward IV., Richard was then made Duke of Gloucester, Lord High Admiral,
Knight of the Garter, and Earl of Balmoral.
It was at this time that he made the celebrated _bon-mot_ relative to
dogs as pets.
Having been out the evening before attending a watermelon recital in the
country, and having contributed a portion of his clothing to a
barbed-wire fence and the balance to an open-faced Waterbury bull-dog,
some one asked him what he thought of the dog as a pet.
Richard drew himself up to his full height, and said that, as a rule, he
favored the dog as a pet, but that the man who got too intimate with the
common low-browed bull-dog of the fifteenth century would find that it
must certainly hurt him in the end.
[Illustration: THE MAN WHO GOT TOO INTIMATE WITH THE COMMON LOW-BROWED
BULL-DOG.]
He resided for several years under the tutelage of the Earl of Warwick,
who was called the "Kingmaker," and afterwards, in 1470, fled to
Flanders, remaining fled for some time. He commanded the van of the
Yorkist army at the battle of Barnet, April 14, 1471, and Tewkesbury,
May 4, fighting gallantly at both places on both sides, it is said, and
admitting it in an article which he wrote for an English magazine.
He has been accused of having murdered Prince Edward after the battle,
and also his father, Henry VI., in the Tower a few days later, but it is
not known to be a fact.
Richard was attainted and outlawed by Parliament at one time; but he was
careful about what he ate, and didn't get his feet wet, so, at last,
having a good preamble and constitution, he pulled through.
He married his own cousin, Anne Neville, who made a first-rate queen.
She got so that it was no trouble at all for her to reign while Dick was
away attending to his large slaughtering interests.
Richard at this time was made Lord High Constable and Keeper of the
Pound. He was also Justiciary of North Wales, Seneschal of the Duchy of
Lancaster, and Chief of Police on the North Side.
His brother Clarence was successfully executed for treason in February,
1478, and Richard, without a moment's hesitation, came to the front and
inherited the estates.
[Illustration: RICHARD HAD A STORMY TIME.]
Richard had a stormy time of it up to 1481, when he was made "protector
and defender of the realm" early in May. He then proceeded with a few
neglected executions. This list was headed--or rather beheaded--by Lord
Chamberlain Hastings, who tendered his resignation in a pail of saw-dust
soon after Richard became "protector and defender of the realm." Richard
laid claim to the throne in June, on the grounds of the illegitimacy of
his nephews, and was crowned July 6. So was his queen. They sat on this
throne for some time, and each had a sceptre with which to welt their
subjects over the head and keep off the flies in summer. Richard could
wield a sceptre longer and harder, it is said, than any other
middle-weight monarch known to history. The throne used by Richard is
still in existence, and has an aperture in it containing some very old
gin.
The reason this gin was left, it is said, was that he was suddenly
called away from the throne and never lived to get back. No monarch
should ever leave his throne in too much of a hurry.
Richard made himself very unpopular in 1485 by his forced loans, as they
were called: a system of assessing a man after dark with a self-cocking
writ and what was known as the headache-stick, a small weapon which was
worn up the sleeve during the day, and which was worn behind the ear by
the loyal subject after nightfall. It was a common sight, so says the
historian, to hear the nightfall and the headache-stick fall at the same
time.
[Illustration: THEY SAT ON THE THRONE FOR SOME TIME.]
The queen died in 1485, and Richard thought some of marrying again; but
it got into the newspapers because he thought of it while a
correspondent was going by, who heard it and telegraphed his paper who
the lady was and all about it. This scared Richard out, and he changed
his mind about marrying, concluding, as a mild substitute, to go into
battle at Bosworth and get killed all at once. He did so on the 22d of
August.
[Illustration: A MILD SUBSTITUTE FOR SECOND MARRIAGE.]
After his death it was found that he had rolled up his pantaloons above
his knees, so that he would not get gore on them. This custom was
afterwards generally adopted in England.
He was buried by the nuns of Leicester in their chapel, Richmond then
succeeding him as king. He was buried in the usual manner, and a large
amount of obloquy heaped on him.
That is one advantage of being great. After one's grave is filled up,
one can have a large three-cornered chunk of obloquy put on the top of
it to mark the spot and keep medical students away of nights.
Greatness certainly has its drawbacks, as the Duchess of Bloomer once
said to the author, after she had been sitting on a dry-goods box with a
nail in it, and had, therefore, called forth adverse criticism. An
unknown man might have sat on that same dry-goods box and hung on the
same nail till he was black in the face without causing remarks, but
with the Duchess of Bloomer it was different,--oh, so different!
[Illustration: TOMB OF RICHARD III.]