MY DEAR CHARLES,--There comes a time in the life of the military motor
when, owing to one thing or another (but mostly another), it becomes a
casualty and retires, on the ground of ill-health, to the Base. As such
it is towed into the nearest workshops; but, before it departs to the
Base there arrive, from all corners of the Army area, drivers of other
similar motors, coming, as you might say, "for a purpose." These are the
vultures who have got to hear of the affair, are sorry indeed that such
mishaps should occur, but, stifling their sorrow, see their way to
snaffle some little benefit for themselves.
One vulture will come to exchange old lamps for new, another to do a
deal in magnetos, and a third, may be, to better himself in the matter
of wheels. There will be some squabbling, and, when the work is done,
the last state of that casualty will be worse than the first, and it
will proceed to the Base a melancholy collection of all the most
dilapidated parts in the area, for which even the most optimistic
authority at the back of beyond will see no useful future.
Yesterday the following interview took place at my little office, which
is also my little home and is very handsomely and elaborately furnished
with a system of boxes, some to sit on, some to write on and some to go
to sleep in.
"An officer to see you, Sir," said the orderly, and in there came a
representative from Signals who was pleased to meet me. I put aside my
work in order to deal with him politely, firmly and once and for all.
"If," I said haughtily, "you are the gentleman who rings me up on the
telephone every morning at 7 A.M., goes on ringing me up till I creep to
the instrument and murmur 'Hello!' and then tells me that is all and
will I please ring off, then I too am glad we have met at last."
He denied the suggestion so hotly that I unbent a little. I asked him to
be seated, and offered him a part of my bed for the purpose.
"It's like this," he began.
"Is it?" said I. "Then no doubt you want me to sign an Army Form and
take all the responsibility?"
"For what?" he asked.
"I'm sure I don't know," I answered; "and it doesn't much matter, for I
shall only pass it on to someone else, please."
For once it wasn't an Army Form. Was I not, he ventured to ask, the
proprietor of a small car?
"What was once a small car before it met what was once a large telegraph
pole," I said thoughtlessly.
He was glad to hear this, as he too was the owner of a small car. We
shook hands on that, though we knew all the time that H.M. Government
was the owner of both. H.M. Government not being present, however, to
insist on its rights, we were able to do a quiet swank. In the course of
it he mentioned, quite by the way, the matter of shock-absorbers. He had
reason to believe that my car could spare his car a couple of these.
I saw the need for hedging. "That telegraph pole I mentioned just now
wasn't really very large," I explained, "and it came away quietly,
offering no resistance."
He smiled knowingly at that.
"Were _you_," I continued, fixing a cold and relentless eye upon
him--"were you equally lucky with your--your--?"
"Small lorry," he said, with a faint blush. "A tiny lorry, in fact."
"Not more than a dozen tons or so?" I suggested. "No doubt it passed
quite gradually over you, frightening more than hurting you, and you
were able to walk home with remainder of small motor in pocket of
greatcoat?"
He didn't go into that subject. "By the way," he said, "I happened to be
round at the workshops just now----"
"Did you, indeed?" I took him up. "Then let me tell you at once that the
wreckage in the workshop's yard was not my small car, so you may abandon
any hopes you had built upon that."
He appeared to be surprised at the attitude I adopted.
"No," he said slowly--"no, I knew that wasn't _your_ car."
I thought rapidly. "It was _yours_," I hazarded, "and your idea was to
re-equip that battered wreck at the expense of my very slightly injured
property?"
He smiled shamelessly.
"You are a most unscrupulous officer," I said, "and I'm beginning to
think you _are_ the voice which gets me out of bed--I mean, interrupts
my work--every morning at dawn."
"No, really," he replied, glad to have something to be honest about. "At
that hour I am always in--at work myself."
We shook hands again on that and I offered him a cigarette.
"Have one of mine," said he.
"No, no," I pressed; "you have one of mine."
Again, if the truth had been admitted, H.M. Government was the rightful
owner of both.
"Of course," he explained, "you saw my little 'bus from quite its worst
aspect in that yard."
I was for getting to business. "I want," said I, "a back axle-shaft, a
head-light, a wind-screen and some mud-guards. What's yours?"
"I could do with a spare wheel-holder, a horn, a couple of yards of
foot-board," he said. "Two shock-absorbers and at least one wheel I must
have."
A little discussion proved that between us we could put up a very decent
car. The only difficulty arose from a doubt as to what was to happen
when we went out in it. It would still be a two-seater, and neither of
our chauffeurs was small enough to be carried in the tool-box. Who was
going to drive, who was going to sit by and, when occasion demanded,
step out and do the dirty work? Neither of us seeing his way to give in
on these points, we had to think of some other solution.
"You mentioned the workshops just now," I said. "Were you going on to
say that the officer in charge told you of another small car which was
in trouble?"
"He did," said Signals.
"Same here," said I. "Did he then recommend you to get what you wanted
off that other car?"
"He did," said Signals.
"Same here," said I. "And did you also ascertain that this officer in
charge possesses a small car of his own rich in standard parts?"
"I did," said Signals.
"Same here," said I. "Let us go out and look for that----"
"Officer in charge," said Signals.
"No," said I, "his car." I felt that we were justified, in the
circumstances, in dividing it between us.
But there is no limit to these officers in charge of workshops. We had
the greatest difficulty in finding his car at all, and, when we did, it
had the appearance of being deliberately concealed. Worse still; when we
found the car we found also a sentry standing over it, with rifle and
fixed bayonet. Though we took this to be a direct insult to ourselves,
we were too proud to go and expostulate with the officer himself about
it.
Yours ever, Henry.
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[Illustration: Unfortunate position of once popular Berlin naval battle
artist, whose occupation has vanished through his having rashly sunk the
entire British Fleet at an early stage of the war.]
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[Illustration: The conscientious special.]
[Illustration: the ingenious bank manager.]
[Illustration: and the cautious burglar.]
[Illustration: who lacked staying power.]
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