DEACON ROBERTS. [_Severely._] Mrs. Jones, mum, hell is paved with words

of lightness.

HUGH. [_Looking up from book, his face expressing delight._] Deacon

Roberts, I have searched for the place of hell, but one book sayeth one

thing, an' another another. Where is hell?

TOM MORRIS THE SHEEP. Aye, where is hell?

[_The bell rings violently. All start except_ NELI. MRS. JENKINS

THE MIDWIFE _enters. She is an old woman, white-haired, and with a

commanding, somewhat disagreeable expression on her face. She wears

a cloak and black Welsh beaver and walks with a stick._

NELI. Yiss, yiss, Mrs. Jenkins the Midwife, I am just lookin' out a

relish for the Deacon. Sit down by the fire, please.

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. [_Seating herself on other side of fire._]

Aye, mum, I've come for pins; I'm in no haste.

NELI. is it Jane Elin's baby?

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. Aye, Jane Elin's, an' 'tis my sixth hundredth

birth.

HUGH. We're discussing the place of hell, Mrs. Jenkins, mum.

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. Well, indeed, I have seen the place of hell

six hundred times then. [_Coughs and nods her head up and down over

stick._] Heaven an' hell I'm thinkin' we have with us here.

HUGH. Nay, nay, how could that be? Tell us where is the place of hell,

Deacon Roberts.

[_All listen with the most intense interest._

DEACON ROBERTS. [_Nodding._] Aye, the place of hell-- [_stopping

suddenly, a terrified look on his face, as the butter slides against the

forward rim of his hat, almost knocking it off, then going on with neck

rigid and head straight up_] to me is known where is that place--their

way is dark an' slippery; they go down into the depths, an' their soul

is melted because of trouble.

NELI. [_Pausing sceptically._] Aye, 'tis my idea of hell whatever with

souls meltin', Mr. Roberts!

HUGH. [_Tense with expectation._] Tell us where is that place!

DEACON ROBERTS. [_Neck rigid, head unmoved, and voice querulous._] Yiss,

yiss. [_Putting his hand up and letting it down quickly._] Ahem! Ye

believe that it rains in Bala?

HUGH. [_Eyes on_ DEACON, _in childlike faith_.] I do.

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. Yiss, yiss, before an' after every birth

whatever!

MRS. JONES THE WASH. Yiss, yiss, who would know better than I that it

rains in Bala?

TOM MORRIS THE SHEEP. Aye, amen, it rains in Bala upon the hills an' in

the valleys.

DEACON ROBERTS. Ye believe that it can rain in Bala both when the moon

is full an' when 'tis new?

HUGH. [_Earnestly._] I do.

MRS. JONES THE WASH. [_Wearily._] Yiss, any time.

TOM MORRIS THE SHEEP. Aye, all the time.

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE.. Yiss, yiss, it rains ever an' forever!

NELI. [_Forgetting the relish search._] Well, indeed, 'tis true it can

rain in Bala at any time an' at all times.

DEACON ROBERTS. [_Paying no attention to Neli._] Ye believe that

Tomen-y-Bala is Ararat?

HUGH. [_Clutching his book more tightly and speaking in a whisper._]

Yiss.

MRS. JONES THE WASH. Aye, 'tis true.

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE.. Yiss, the Hill of Bala is Ararat.

TOM MORRIS THE SHEEP. Yiss, I have driven the sheep over it whatever

more than a hundred times.

NELI. [_Both hands on counter, leaning forward, listening to_ DEACON'S

_words_.] Aye, Charles-y-Bala said so.

DEACON ROBERTS. [_Still ignoring_ NELI _and lowering his coat-tails

carefully_.] Ye believe, good people, that the Druids called Noah

"Tegid," an' that those who were saved were cast up on Tomen-y-Bala?

HUGH. Amen, I do!

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. [_Nodding her old head._] Aye, 'tis true.

MRS. JONES THE WASH. Yiss, yiss.

TOM MORRIS THE SHEEP. Amen, 'tis so.

DEACON ROBERTS. [_Moving a few steps away from the fire, standing

sidewise, and lifting hand to head, checking it in midair._] An' ye know

that Bala has been a lake, an' Bala will become a lake?

HUGH. Amen, I do!

NELI. [_Assenting for the first time._] Yiss, 'tis true--that is.

MRS. JONES THE WASH. Dear anwyl, yiss!

DEACON ROBERTS. [_With warning gesture toward window._] Hell is out

there--movin' beneath Bala Lake to meet all at their comin'. [_Raises

his voice suddenly._] Red-hot Baal stones will fall upon your

heads--Baal stones. Howl ye! [_Shouting loudly._] Meltin' stones

smellin' of the bullocks. Howl, ye sinners! [_Clasping his hands

together desperately._] Scorchin' hot--Oo--o--o--Howl ye!--howl ye!

[_The_ DEACON'S _hat sways, and he jams it down more tightly on his

head. Unclasping his hands and as if stirring up the contents of a

pudding-dish._] 'Round an' round like this! Howl, ye sinners, howl!

[_All moan and sway to and fro except_ NELI.

NELI. [_Sceptically._] What is there to fear?

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. [_Groaning._] Nay, but what is there not to

fear?

MRS. JONES THE WASH. Aye, outermost darkness. Och! Och!

TOM MORRIS THE SHEEP. Have mercy!

DEACON ROBERTS. [_Shouting again._] Get ready! Lift up your eyes!

[_Welsh beaver almost falls off and is set straight in a twinkling._]

Beg for mercy before the stones of darkness burn thee, an' there is no

water to cool thy tongue, an' a great gulf is fixed between thee an'

those who might help thee!

NELI. [_Spellbound by the_ DEACON'S _eloquence and now oblivious to hat,

etc._] Yiss, yiss, 'tis true, 'tis very true!

[_She steps down from chair and places hands on counter._

DEACON ROBERTS. [_His face convulsed, shouting directly at her._]

Sister, hast thou two eyes to be cast into hell fire?

NELI. [_Terrified and swept along by his eloquence._] Two eyes to be

burned?

[_All lower their heads, groaning and rocking to and fro._

DEACON ROBERTS. [_The butter trickling down his face, yelling with

sudden violence._] Hell is here an' now. Here in Bala, here in Y Gegin,

here with us! Howl ye! Howl, ye sinners!

[_All moan together._

HUGH. [_Whispering._] Uch, here!

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. Yiss, here!

MRS. JONES THE WASH. Yiss.

TOM MORRIS THE SHEEP. [_Terrified._] Aye. Amen! Yiss!

NELI. [_Whispering._] Here in Y Gegin!

DEACON ROBERTS. [_Clapping his hands to his face._] Stones of Baal,

stones of darkness, slimy with ooze, red-hot ooze, thick vapors! Howl

ye, howl, ye sinners! [_All moan and groan. Takes a glance at clock,

passes hand over face and runs on madly, neck rigid, eyes staring, fat

red cheeks turning to purple._] Midday, not midnight, is the hour of

hell; its sun never sets! But who knows when comes that hour of hell?

NELI. [_Taking hands from counter and crossing them as she whispers._]

Who knows?

ALL. [_Groaning._] Who knows?

HUGH. [_Voice quavering and lifting his Welsh essays._] Who knows?

DEACON ROBERTS. [_Big yellow drops pouring down his face, his voice full

of anguish._] I will tell ye when is the hour of hell. [_He points to

the clock._] Is one the hour of hell? Nay. Two? Nay. Three? No, not

three. Four? Four might be the hour of hell, but 'tis not. Five? Nor

five, indeed. Six? Nay. Seven? Is seven the hour, the awful hour? Nay,

not yet. Eight? Is eight the hour--an hour bright as this bright hour?

Nay, eight is not. [_The_ DEACON _shouts in a mighty voice and points

with a red finger at the clock_.] 'Tis comin'! 'Tis comin', I say! Howl

ye, howl! Only one minute more! Sinners, sinners, lift up your eyes! Cry

for mercy! [_All groan._] Cry for mercy! When the clock strikes twelve,

'twill be the hour of hell! Fix your eyes upon the clock! Watch! Count!

Listen! 'Tis strikin'. The stroke! The hour is here!

[_All dropped on their knees and turned toward the clock, their

backs to the street door, are awaiting the awful stroke. The book

has fallen from_ HUGH'S _hands_. NELI'S _hands are clenched_. MRS.

JENKINS THE MIDWIFE _is nodding her old head_. MRS. JONES THE WASH

_on her knees, her face upturned to the clock, is rubbing up and

down her thighs, as if at the business of washing_. TOM MORRIS THE

SHEEP _is prostrate and making a strange buzzing sound between his

lips. The wheels of the clever old timepiece whir and turn. Then in

the silent noonday the harsh striking begins: One, Two, Three,

Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve._

DEACON ROBERTS. [_Yelling suddenly in a loud and terrible voice._] Hell

let loose! Howl ye! Howl, ye sinners! [_All cover their eyes. All groan

or moan. The clock ticks, the flame in the grate flutters_, NELI'S

_bosom rises and falls heavily_.] Lest worse happen to ye, sin no more!

[_The_ DEACON _looks at them all quietly. Then he lifts his hands

in sign of blessing, smiles and vanishes silently through street

door. All remain stationary in their terror. Nothing happens. But

at last_ NELI _fearfully, still spellbound by the_ DEACON'S

_eloquence, lifts her eyes to the clock. Then cautiously she turns

a little toward the fire and the place of_ DEACON ROBERTS.

NELI. Uch! [_She stands on her feet and cries out._] The Deacon is gone!

HUGH. [_Raising his eyes._] Uch, what is it? Babylon----

NELI. Babylon nothing! [_She wrings her hands._

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. [_Groaning._] Is he dead? Is he dead?

NELI. [_With sudden plunge toward the door._] Uch, ye old hypocrite, ye

villain! Uch, my butter an' my eggs, my butter an' my eggs!

[NELI _throws open the door and slams it to after her as she

pursues the_ DEACON _out into the bright midday sunshine_.

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. Well, indeed, what is it? Has she been taken?

MRS. JONES THE WASH. [_Getting up heavily._] Such movin' eloquence! A

saintly man is Deacon Roberts!

TOM MORRIS THE SHEEP. Aye, a saintly man is Deacon Roberts!

HUGH. [_Picking up his book and speaking slowly._] Aye, eloquence that

knoweth the place of hell even better than it knoweth Bala whatever!

MRS. JENKINS THE MIDWIFE. [_Very businesslike._] Aye, 'twas a treat--a

rare treat! But where's my pins now?

MRS. JONES THE WASH. [_Very businesslike._] Yiss, yiss, 'twas a grand

an' fine treat. But I'm wantin' my soap now.

TOM MORRIS THE SHEEP. Have ye any tobacco, Hughie lad?

CURTAIN

WHERE BUT IN AMERICA

BY

OSCAR M. WOLFF

_Where But In America_ is reprinted by special permission of the author

and of the _Smart Set Magazine_, in which this play was first printed.

For permission to perform address the author at Room 1211, 105 Monroe

Street, Chicago, Illinois.

OSCAR M. WOLFF

Oscar M. Wolff was born July 13, 1876. After graduation from Cornell

University he completed his law course in the University of Chicago. In

addition to his interest in law, which he has practised and taught, he

has done considerable writing and editing. He has published a legal

text-book, and his articles on legal subjects have appeared both in law

journals and in magazines of general interest. During the war he was

connected with the United States Food Administration at Washington. At

present he lives in Chicago, Illinois.

In addition to some stories, he has written several one-act plays:

_Where But in America_, _The Claim for Exemption_, and _The

Money-Lenders_.

_Where But in America_ is an excellent play of situation, as well as a

delicate satire on a certain aspect of American social life.

CAST

MRS. ESPENHAYNE

MR. ESPENHAYNE

HILDA

WHERE BUT IN AMERICA[J]

SCENE: _The Espenhayne dining-room._

_The curtain rises on the Espenhayne dining-room. It is furnished

with modest taste and refinement. There is a door, centre, leading

to the living-room, and a swinging door, left, leading to the

kitchen._

_The table is set, and_ ROBERT _and_ MOLLIE ESPENHAYNE _are

discovered at their evening meal. They are educated, well-bred

young Americans._ ROBERT _is a pleasing, energetic business man of

thirty_; MOLLIE _an attractive woman of twenty-five. The bouillon

cups are before them as the curtain rises._

BOB. Mollie, I heard from the man who owns that house in Kenilworth. He

wants to sell the house. He won't rent.

MOLLIE. I really don't care, Bob. That house was too far from the

station, and it had only one sleeping-porch, and you know I want

white-enamelled woodwork in the bedrooms. But, Bob, I've been terribly

stupid!

BOB. How so, Mollie?

MOLLIE. You remember the Russells moved to Highland Park last spring?

BOB. Yes; Ed Russell rented a house that had just been built.

MOLLIE. A perfectly darling little house! And Fanny Russell once told me

that the man who built it will put up a house for any one who will take

a five-year lease. And she says that the man is very competent and they

are simply delighted with their place.

BOB. Why don't we get in touch with the man?

MOLLIE. Wasn't it stupid of me not to think about it? It just flashed

into my mind this morning, and I sat down at once and sent a

special-delivery letter to Fanny Russell. I asked her to tell me his

name at once, and where we can find him.

BOB. Good! You ought to have an answer by to-morrow or Thursday and

we'll go up north and have a talk with him on Saturday.

MOLLIE. [_With enthusiasm._] Wouldn't it be wonderful if he'd build just

what we want! Fanny Russell says every detail of their house is perfect.

Even the garage; they use it----

BOB. [_Interrupting._] Mollie, that's the one thing I'm afraid of about

the North Shore plan. I've said repeatedly that I don't want to buy a

car for another year or two. But here you are, talking about a garage

already.

MOLLIE. But you didn't let me finish what I was saying. The Russells

have fitted up their garage as a playroom for the children. If we had a

garage we could do the same thing.

BOB. Well, let's keep temptation behind us and not even talk to the man

about a garage. If we move up north it must be on an economy basis for a

few years; just a half-way step between the apartment and the house we

used to plan. You mustn't get your heart set on a car.

MOLLIE. I haven't even thought of one, dear. [BOB _and_ MOLLIE _have now

both finished the bouillon course and lay down their spoons. Reaching

out her hand to touch the table button, and at the same time leaning

across the table and speaking very impressively._] Bob, I'm about to

ring for Hilda!

BOB. What of it?

MOLLIE. [_Decidedly and with a touch of impatience._] You know very

well, what of it. I don't want Hilda to hear us say one word about

moving away from the South Side!

BOB. [_Protesting._] But Mollie----

MOLLIE. [_Interrupting hurriedly and holding her finger to her lips in

warning._] Psst!

[_The next instant_ HILDA _enters, left. She is a tall, blonde

Swedish girl, about twenty-five years old. She is very pretty and

carries herself well and looks particularly charming in a maid's

dress, with white collars and cuffs and a dainty waitress's apron.

Every detail of her dress is immaculate._

MOLLIE. [_Speaking the instant that_ HILDA _appears and talking very

rapidly all the time that_ HILDA _remains in the room. While she speaks_

MOLLIE _watches_ HILDA _rather than_ ROBERT, _whom she pretends to be

addressing_.] In the last game Gert Jones was my partner. It was frame

apiece and I dealt and I bid one no trump. I had a very weak no trump.

I'll admit that, but I didn't want them to win the rubber. Mrs. Stone

bid two spades and Gert Jones doubled her. Mrs. Green passed and I

simply couldn't go to three of anything. Mrs. Stone played two spades,

doubled, and she made them. Of course, that put them out and gave them

the rubber. I think that was a very foolish double of Gert Jones, and

then she said it was my fault, because I bid one no trump.

[_As_ MOLLIE _begins her flow of words_ BOB _first looks at her in

open-mouthed astonishment. Then as he gradually comprehends that_

MOLLIE _is merely talking against time he too turns his eyes to_

HILDA _and watches her closely in her movements around the table.

Meanwhile_ HILDA _moves quietly and quickly and pays no attention

to anything except the work she has in hand. She carries a small

serving-tray, and, as_ MOLLIE _speaks_, HILDA _first takes the

bouillon cups from the table, then brings the carving-knife and

fork from the sideboard and places them before_ ROBERT, _and then,

with the empty bouillon cups, exits left_. BOB _and_ MOLLIE _are

both watching_ HILDA _as she goes out. The instant the door swings

shut behind her_, MOLLIE _relaxes with a sigh, and_ ROBERT _leans

across the table to speak_.

BOB. Mollie, why not be sensible about this thing! Have a talk with

Hilda and find out if she will move north with us.

MOLLIE. That's just like a man! Then we might not find a house to please

us and Hilda would be dissatisfied and suspicious. She might even leave.

[_Thoughtfully._] Of course, I must speak to her before we sign a lease,

because I really don't know what I'd do if Hilda refused to leave the

South side. [_More cheerfully._] But there, we won't think about the

disagreeable things until everything is settled.

BOB. That's good American doctrine.

MOLLIE. [_Warningly and again touching her finger to her lips._] Psst!

[HILDA _enters, left, carrying the meat plates, with a heavy napkin

under them_.

MOLLIE. [_Immediately resuming her monologue._] I think my last year's

hat will do very nicely. You know it rained all last summer and I really

only wore the hat a half a dozen times. Perhaps not that often. I can

make a few changes on it; put on some new ribbons, you know, and it will

do very nicely for another year. You remember that hat, don't you dear?

[BOB _starts to answer, but_ MOLLIE _rushes right on_.

Of course you do, you remember you said it was so becoming. That's

another reason why I want to wear it this summer.

[HILDA, _meanwhile, puts the plates on the table in front of_ BOB,

_and goes out, left_. MOLLIE _at once stops speaking_.

BOB. [_Holding his hands over the plates as over a fire and rubbing them

together in genial warmth._] Ah, the good hot plates! She never forgets

them. She _is_ a gem, Mollie.

MOLLIE. [_In great self-satisfaction._] If you are finally convinced of

that, after three years, I wish you would be a little bit more careful

what you say the next time Hilda comes in the room.

BOB. [_In open-mouthed astonishment._] What!

MOLLIE. Well, I don't want Hilda to think we are making plans behind her

back.

BOB. [_Reflectively._] "A man's home is his castle." [_Pauses._] It's

very evident that the Englishman who first said that didn't keep any

servants.

[_Telephone bell rings off stage._

MOLLIE. Answer that, Bob.

BOB. Won't Hilda answer it?

MOLLIE. [_Standing up quickly and speaking impatiently._] Very well, I

shall answer it myself. I can't ask Hilda to run to the telephone while

she is serving the meal.

BOB. [_Sullenly, as he gets up._] All right! All right!

[BOB _exits, centre. As he does so_ HILDA _appears at the door,

left, hurrying to answer the telephone_.

MOLLIE. Mr. Espenhayne will answer it, Hilda.

[HILDA _makes the slightest possible bow of acquiescence, withdraws

left, and in a moment reappears with vegetable dishes and small

side dishes, which she puts before_ MRS. ESPENHAYNE. _She is

arranging these when_ BOB _re-enters, centre_.

BOB. Somebody for you, Hilda.

HILDA. [_Surprised._] For me? Oh! But I cannot answer eet now. Please

ask the party to call later.

[HILDA _speaks excellent English, but with some Swedish accent. The

noticeable feature of her speech is the precision and great care

with which she enunciates every syllable._

MOLLIE. Just take the number yourself, Hilda, and tell the party you

will call back after dinner.

HILDA. Thank you, Messes Aispenhayne.

[HILDA _exits, centre_. BOB _stands watching_ HILDA, _as she leaves

the room, and then turns and looks at_ MOLLIE _with a bewildered

expression_.

BOB. [_Standing at his chair._] But I thought Hilda couldn't be running

to the telephone while she serves the dinner?

MOLLIE. But this call is for Hilda, herself. That's quite different, you

see.

BOB. [_Slowly and thoughtfully._] Oh, yes! Of course; I see! [_Sits down

in his chair._] That is--I don't quite see!

MOLLIE. [_Immediately leaning across the table and speaking in a

cautious whisper._] Do you know who it is?

[BOB _closes his lips very tightly and nods yes in a very important

manner_.

MOLLIE. [_In the same whisper and very impatiently._] Who?

BOB. [_Looking around the room as if to see if any one is in hiding, and

then putting his hand to his mouth and exaggerating the whisper._] The

Terrible Swede.

MOLLIE. [_In her ordinary tone and very much exasperated._] Robert, I've

told you a hundred times that you shouldn't refer to--to--the man in

that way.

BOB. And I've told you a hundred times to ask Hilda his name. If I knew

his name I'd announce him with as much ceremony as if he were the

Swedish Ambassador.

MOLLIE. [_Disgusted._] Oh, don't try to be funny! Suppose some day Hilda

hears you speak of him in that manner?

BOB. You know that's mild compared to what you think of him. Suppose

some day Hilda learns what you think of him?

MOLLIE. I think very well of him and you know it. Of course, I dread the

time when she marries him, but I wouldn't for the world have her think

that we speak disrespectfully of her or her friends.

BOB. "A man's home is his castle."

[MOLLIE'S _only answer is a gesture of impatience_. MOLLIE _and_

BOB _sit back in their chairs to await_ HILDA'S _return. Both sit

with fingers interlaced, hands resting on the edge of the table in

the attitude of school children at attention. A long pause._ MOLLIE

_unclasps her hands and shifts uneasily_. ROBERT _does the same_.

MOLLIE, _seeing this, hastily resumes her former attitude of quiet

waiting_. ROBERT, _however, grows increasingly restless. His

restlessness makes_ MOLLIE _nervous and she watches_ ROBERT, _and

when he is not observing her she darts quick, anxious glances at

the door, centre_. BOB _drains and refills his glass_.

MOLLIE. [_She has been watching_ ROBERT _and every time he shifts or

moves she unconsciously does the same, and finally she breaks out

nervously_.] I don't understand this at all! Isn't to-day Tuesday?

BOB. What of it?

MOLLIE. He usually calls up on Wednesdays and comes to see her on

Saturdays.

BOB. And takes her to the theatre on Thursdays and to dances on Sundays.

He's merely extending his line of attack.

[_Another long pause--then Bob begins to experiment to learn

whether the plates are still hot. He gingerly touches the edges of

the upper plate in two or three places. It seems safe to handle. He

takes hold of upper and lower plates boldly, muttering, as he does

so, "Cold as--" Drops the plates with a clatter and a smothered

oath. Shakes his fingers and blows on them. Meanwhile_ MOLLIE _is

sitting very rigid, regarding_ BOB _with a fixed stare and beating

a vigorous tattoo on the tablecloth with her fingers. Bob catches

her eye and cringes under her gaze. He drains and refills his

glass. He studies the walls and the ceiling of the room, meanwhile

still nursing his fingers._ BOB _steals a sidelong glance at_

MOLLIE. _She is still staring at him. He turns to his water goblet.

Picks it up and holds it to the light. He rolls the stem between

his fingers, squinting at the light through the water. Reciting

slowly as he continues to gaze at the light._

BOB. Starlight! Starbright! Will Hilda talk to him all night!

MOLLIE. [_In utter disgust._] Oh, stop that singing.

[BOB _puts down his glass, then drinks the water and refills the

glass. He then turns his attention to the silverware and cutlery

before him. He examines it critically, then lays a teaspoon

carefully on the cloth before him, and attempts the trick of

picking it up with the first finger in the bowl and the thumb at

the point of the handle. After one or two attempts the spoon shoots

on the floor, far behind him._ MOLLIE _jumps at the noise_. BOB

_turns slowly and looks at the spoon with an injured air, then

turns back to_ MOLLIE _with a silly, vacuous smile. He now lays all

the remaining cutlery in a straight row before him._

BOB. [_Slowly counting the cutlery and silver, back and forth._] Eeny,

meeny, miney, mo. Catch a--[_Stops suddenly as an idea comes to him.

Gazes thoughtfully at_ MOLLIE _for a moment, then begins to count over

again_.] Eeny, meeny, miney, mo; Hilda's talking to her beau. If we

holler, she may go. Eeny, mee----

MOLLIE. [_Interrupting and exasperated to the verge of tears._] Bob, if

you don't stop all that nonsense, I shall scream! [_In a very tense

tone._] I believe I'm going to have one of my sick headaches! [_Puts her

hand to her forehead._] I know it; I can feel it coming on!

BOB. [_In a soothing tone._] Hunger, my dear, hunger! When you have a

good warm meal you'll feel better.

MOLLIE. [_In despair._] What do you suppose I ought to do?

BOB. Go out in the kitchen and fry a couple of eggs.

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