his hat._] Oh, Judge, oh, no, please, no. I don't want anybody's old
cast-off wife.
JUDGE. [_Becoming exasperated._] Well, choose something, and be quick
about it. Here is lumbago, gout, fatness, old age, and----
IMP. [_Interrupting, and walking quickly over to the railing._] Excuse
me, Judge, but maybe the gentleman would like the indigestion that Mr.
Potter left when he took old Mrs. Pratt's fallen arches.
POOR MAN. [_Eagerly._] Indigestion? Sure! That will be fine! I won't
mind a little thing like indigestion if I can get rid of my poverty.
JUDGE. [_Sternly._] Very well. Raise your right hand. Repeat after me:
"I swear to accept indigestion for better or for worse as my portion of
the world's miseries, so help me God."
POOR MAN. [_Solemnly._] "I swear to accept indigestion for better or for
worse as my portion of the world's miseries, so help me God."
JUDGE. [_To_ IMP.] Show this gentleman to the changing-room.
[POOR MAN _follows_ IMP, _who conducts him to the heavily curtained
door. The_ POOR MAN _throws out his chest and swaggers a bit, as a
man might who had suddenly come into a fortune_. IMP _swaggers
along with him_.
IMP. Won't you have a grand time, though. I'll get you a menu card, so
that you can be picking out your dinner.
POOR MAN. [_Joyfully slapping_ IMP _on the back_.] Good idea, and I'll
pick out a regular banquet.
[_Pausing a moment before he passes through the curtains, he smiles
and smacks his lips in anticipation. Exit._
JUDGE. [_Speaks disgustedly to_ IMP.] There you are! He's perfectly
satisfied with his morals. Has no defects in his character. Just wants
to have a good time.
[_Sighs heavily and turns back to his writing._ IMP _nods his head
in agreement and chuckles slyly_.
[_The street door opens slowly and the_ VAIN WOMAN _stands upon the
threshold. She does not enter at once, but stands
posing--presumably she desires to attract attention, and she is
worthy of it. She has a superb figure, and her rich gowning
enhances it. Her fair face reveals a shallow prettiness, but the
wrinkles of age are beginning to leave telltale lines upon its
smoothness. As_ IMP _hurries forward to usher her in, she sweeps
grandly past him to the centre of the stage_. IMP _stops near the
door, with his hands on his hips, staring after her, then takes a
few steps in imitation of her. She turns around slowly and,
sauntering over to the railing, coughs affectedly, and as the_
JUDGE _rises and bows curtly, she speaks in a coaxing manner_.
VAIN WOMAN. Judge, I have heard that you are very kind, and I have been
told that you help people out of their troubles, so I have a little
favor to ask of you.
JUDGE. [_Coldly._] Yes, I supposed so; go on.
VAIN WOMAN. [_Archly._] Well, you know that I am a famous beauty; in
fact, both my face and my form are considered very lovely. [_She turns
around slowly that he may see for himself._] Great and celebrated men
have worshipped at my feet. I simply cannot live without admiration. It
is my very life. But, Judge [_plaintively_], horrid wrinkles are
beginning to show in my face. [_Intensely._] Oh, I would give anything,
do anything, to have a smooth, youthful face once more. Please, oh,
please, won't you take away these wrinkles [_touching her face with her
fingers_] and give me something in their stead.
JUDGE. [_Looking directly at her and speaking coldly._] Are you
satisfied with yourself in other ways? Is your character as beautiful as
your face? Have you no faults or weaknesses that you want exchanged?
VAIN WOMAN. [_Uncertainly._] Why, I--don't know what you mean. I am just
as good as any other woman and lots better than some I know. I go to
church, and I subscribe to the charities, and I belong to the best
clubs. [_Anxiously._] Oh, please, Judge, it's these wrinkles that make
me so unhappy. Won't you exchange them? You don't want me to be unhappy,
do you? Please take them away.
JUDGE. [_Wearily looking over the ledger._] Oh, very well, I'll see what
I can do for you. [_To_ IMP.] Fetch a chair for this lady.
[IMP _gives her a chair and she sits facing front_. IMP _returns to
his desk, perches himself upon it and watches the_ VAIN WOMAN
_interestedly_. JUDGE _turns over the leaves of the ledger_.
JUDGE. I have a goitre that I could exchange for your wrinkles.
VAIN WOMAN. [_Protestingly, clasping her hands to her throat._] Oh,
heavens, no! That would ruin my beautiful throat. See. [_Throwing back
her fur and exposing her neck in a low-cut gown._] I have a lovely neck.
[IMP _makes an exaggerated attempt to see_.
JUDGE. [_Glances coldly at her and then scans ledger again._] Well, how
about hay-fever?
VAIN WOMAN. [_Reproachfully._] Oh, Judge, how can you suggest such a
thing! Watery eyes and a red nose, the worst enemy of beauty there is. I
simply couldn't think of it. I want something that won't show.
JUDGE. [_Disgustedly turns to filing cabinet and looks through a series
of cards, withdraws one, and turns back to_ VAIN WOMAN.] Perhaps this
will suit you. [_Refers to card._] A woman has grown very tired of her
husband and wants to exchange him for some other burden.
VAIN WOMAN. [_Indignantly._] What! I accept a man that some other woman
doesn't want! Certainly not! I prefer one that some other woman does
want.
JUDGE. [_Irritated, puts the card back in its place, and turns upon the_
VAIN WOMAN _crossly_.] I fear that I cannot please you and I do not have
time to----
IMP. [_Interrupts and runs over to the railing, speaking soothingly to
the_ JUDGE.] Excuse me, Judge, but maybe the lady would like deafness in
exchange for her wrinkles. Deafness wouldn't show, so it couldn't spoil
her face or her elegant figure.
JUDGE. [_Wearily._] No, it won't show. Deafness ought to be a good thing
for you.
VAIN WOMAN. [_Consideringly._] Why--yes--that might do. But--well, it
wouldn't show. I've a notion to take it. [_Pause--she seems to consider
and meditate. The_ JUDGE _stares at her coldly_. IMP _grins impudently.
She rises leisurely, sighs._] All right. I'll accept it.
JUDGE. [_Sharply._] Hold up your right hand. [_She raises hand._] Do you
swear to accept deafness for better or for worse, as your portion of the
world's miseries, so help you God?
VAIN WOMAN. [_Sweetly._] Oh, yes. I do, Judge.
JUDGE. [_To_ IMP.] Show the lady to the changing-room.
IMP. [_Escorts her to the curtained door with rather mock deference._]
No, deafness won't show at all, and you'll have 'em all crazy about you.
[_Draws aside curtains for her to pass._] Take second booth to your
right.
[VAIN WOMAN _stands posing a moment. She smiles radiantly and pats
her cheeks softly with her hands, then with a long-drawn sigh of
happiness, she exits._ IMP _bows low and mockingly after her
vanishing form, his hand on his heart_.
JUDGE. [_Sarcastically._] Do her faults or shortcomings trouble her? Not
at all! Perfectly satisfied with herself, except for a few wrinkles in
her face. Vain women! Bah!
IMP. Yes, sir; women have queer notions.
[_An imperative rap at the street-door, immediately followed by the
rapper's abrupt entrance. We see an important-appearing personage.
His arrogant bearing and commanding pose lead us to believe that he
is accustomed to prompt attention. It is the_ RICH CITIZEN,
_exceedingly well groomed. His manner is lordly, but he addresses
the_ JUDGE _in a bored tone. When_ IMP _scampers to meet him, the_
RICH CITIZEN _hands him his hat and cane and turns at once to the_
JUDGE. IMP _examines the hat and cane critically, hangs them on the
hat-rack, and returns to his desk, where he again perches to watch
the_ RICH CITIZEN.
RICH CITIZEN. [_Lighting a cigarette._] I am addressing the Judge, am I
not?
JUDGE. [_Shortly._] You are.
RICH CITIZEN. [_Languidly, between puffs of his cigarette._] Well,
Judge, life has become rather boresome, so I thought I would drop in and
ask you to do me a small favor.
JUDGE. [_Wearily._] Yes? We--What is your grievance?
RICH CITIZEN. [_Nonchalantly._] Oh, I wouldn't say grievance exactly.
You see, my dear Judge, it is this way. I am a very rich and influential
citizen, a prominent member of society, and I am very much sought after.
JUDGE. [_Frigidly._] Oh, indeed!
RICH CITIZEN. [_In a very bored manner._] Yes. Women run after me day
and night. Ambitious mothers throw their marriageable daughters at my
head. Men seek my advice on all matters. I am compelled to head this and
that committee. [_Smokes languidly._
JUDGE. [_Sharply._] Well, go on.
RICH CITIZEN. Really, Judge, my prestige has become a burden. I want to
get away from it all. I would like to become a plain, ordinary man with
an humble vocation, the humbler the better, so that people will cease
bothering me.
JUDGE. [_Sarcastically._] Is your prestige all that troubles you? Don't
worry about your morals, I suppose. Satisfied with your habits and
character?
RICH CITIZEN. [_Coldly._] What have my habits or morals got to do with
my request? [_Scornfully._] Certainly I am not one of your saintly men.
I live as a man of my station should live, and I think I measure up very
well with the best of them. I am simply bored and I would like a change.
I would like to be a plain man with an humble calling.
JUDGE. [_Ironically._] I'll see what we have in humble callings. [_He
looks at the ledger, turning the leaves over slowly._] We have several
bartenders' vocations.
RICH CITIZEN. [_Wearily smoking._] No. Too many people about all the
time, and too much noise.
JUDGE. Well, here's a janitor's job open to you.
RICH CITIZEN. [_Impatiently throwing away his cigarette._] No. I don't
like that, either. Too confining. Too many people bickering at you all
the time. I want to get out in the open, away from crowds.
JUDGE. [_Sighing, and turning over the leaves of the ledger, then
hopefully._] Here's the very thing for you, then--postman in a rural
district.
RICH CITIZEN. [_Showing vexation._] No, no, _no_. Too many old women
that want to gossip. I tell you, I want to get away from women. Haven't
you something peaceful and quiet; something that would take me out in
the quiet of the early morning, when the birds are singing?
JUDGE. [_Closing ledger with a bang, and rising._] Well, you're too
particular, and I have not time to bother with you. I bid you good
after----
IMP. [_Slides from his desk, runs to railing, and speaks suavely._]
Excuse me, Judge, but maybe the gentleman would like the vocation of
milkman. That is early-morning work. And, you remember, a milkman left
his job here when he took that old, worn-out senator's position.
JUDGE. [_Sharply, to_ RICH CITIZEN.] Well, how about it? Does a
milkman's vocation suit you? It's early-morning hours, fresh air, and no
people about.
RICH CITIZEN. [_Musingly._] Well, the very simplicity and quietness of
it is its charm. It rather appeals to me. [_He ponders a moment._] Yes,
by Jove, I'll take it.
JUDGE. [_Sternly._] Hold up your right hand. "Do you solemnly swear to
accept, for better or for worse, the vocation of milkman as your lot in
life, so help you God?"
RICH CITIZEN. I do.
JUDGE. [_To_ IMP.] Show this gentleman to the changing-room.
IMP. [_While escorting him to the curtained door._] Yes, sir, you will
lead the simple life. Fresh air, fresh milk, no people, just cows--and
they can't talk. [_Holding aside the curtains._] Third booth, sir.
RICH CITIZEN. [_Musingly._] The simple life--peace and quietness.
[_Exit._
JUDGE. [I_n disgust._] It's no use, Imp. They all cling to their vices,
but they are very keen to change some little cross or condition that
vexes them--or think vexes them.
IMP. It's strange that people always want something different from what
they have.
[IMP _opens a drawer in his desk and takes out a bottle, evidently
filled with tablets, which he holds up, shaking it and chuckling.
He hunts in the drawer again, and this time brings forth a huge
ear-trumpet, which he chucklingly places an his table beside the
bottle of tablets._
JUDGE. Don't let any more in, Imp. I can't stand another one to-day. I
am going to write a letter and then go home.
IMP. All right, sir.
JUDGE. I am feeling very tired; what I really need is a vacation. A
sea-trip would put me right. By the way, Imp, where is that
transatlantic folder that I told you to get?
[IMP _picks up the folder from his desk and takes it to the_ JUDGE,
_who studies it attentively_. IMP _returns to his own desk, where
he again looks in a drawer and brings forth a menu card, which he
glances over, grinning mischievously_.
[_The former_ POOR MAN _re-enters from the changing-room. He is
well dressed, and taking a well-filled wallet from his pocket, he
looks at it gloatingly. However, from time to time, a shade of
annoyance passes over his face, and he puts his hand to the pit of
his stomach._ IMP _runs to meet him, and hands him the menu that he
has been reading_.
IMP. Here's a menu from the Gargoyle. Say, you sure do look swell!
[_Looking him over admiringly._
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Grinning happily._] Some class to me now, eh!
[_Looking at menu._] And you watch me pick out a real dinner. [_Sits
down at left front._] First, I'll have a cocktail, then--let's see--I'll
have--another cocktail. Next, oysters, and [_he frowns and presses his
hand to the pit of his stomach, keeping up a massaging
motion_]--green-turtle soup, sand dabs--chicken breasts--
[_They become absorbed over the menu._
[_The_ VAIN WOMAN _re-enters from the changing-room. She now has a
smooth face, and she is looking at herself in a hand-glass,
smiling and touching her face delightedly, She walks over to the
railing, and leans over it to the_ JUDGE. _He looks up
questioningly._
VAIN WOMAN. [_Smiling._] Oh, I am so happy again. Am I not beautiful?
JUDGE. [_Pityingly._] You are a vain, foolish woman.
[_Since she is deaf, she does not hear his words, but thinks he is
complimenting her. She smiles at him coyly._
VAIN WOMAN. Ah, Judge, you too are susceptible to my charms.
[_The_ JUDGE, _in great exasperation, puts away his papers, thrusts
the transatlantic folder in his pocket, hastily closes his desk,
and hurries to the hat-rack, puts on his overcoat, slips his
skull-cap into his pocket and puts on his soft black hat. Then,
with a shrug of his shoulders and a wave of his hand indicative of
disgust, he slips quietly out._
[_The_ VAIN WOMAN _saunters past the_ FORMER POOR MAN, _stops near
him, posing, and begins to put on her gloves. He looks at her
admiringly, then, getting to his feet, makes an elaborate but
awkward bow._
FORMER POOR MAN. Excuse me, lady, but I've had a big piece of luck
to-day, and I want to celebrate, so I am having a big dinner. Won't you
join me and help me have a good time?
VAIN WOMAN. [_Looking at him blankly, and trying to fathom what he has
said._] Oh--why, what did you say?
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Hesitating, and a bit surprised._] Why--er--I said
that I had a big piece of luck to-day, and I am going to celebrate. I am
having a fine dinner, and I just asked if--if--you wouldn't have dinner
with me.
VAIN WOMAN. [_Still looking blank and a little confused, then smiling
archly and acting as though she had been hearing compliments, she speaks
affectedly._] Really, do you think so? [_Looking down and smoothing her
dress._] But, then, every one tells me that I am.
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Puzzled, turns to_ IMP _for help_.] Just what is her
trouble, Nut?
IMP. [_Secretly gleeful._] She is stone-deaf. You had better write it.
FORMER POOR MAN. Never! No deaf ones for me.
[_Turns away and consults menu again._ VAIN WOMAN _poses and
frequently looks in hand-glass to reassure herself_.
[FORMER RICH CITIZEN _re-enters from the changing-room. He is
dressed in shabby overalls, jumper, and an old hat. He has a pipe
in his mouth. He walks arrogantly over to the_ FORMER POOR MAN _and
addresses him_.
FORMER RICH CITIZEN. Give me a light.
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Trying to live up to his fine clothes and wallet full
of money, looks the_ FORMER RICH CITIZEN _over snubbingly_.] Say, who do
you think you are? You light out, see?
FORMER RICH CITIZEN. [_Very much surprised, stands nonplussed a
moment._] Well, upon my word, I--I----
[_He stops short in his speech, walks haughtily over to the
railing, where he stands glowering at the_ FORMER POOR MAN. _The_
FORMER POOR MAN _starts for the street door, but_ IMP _runs after
him, waving the bottle of tablets_.
IMP. I'll sell you these for two bits.
FORMER POOR MAN. What is that?
IMP. [_Grinning._] Indigestion tablets.
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Puts his hand to his stomach and laughs a little
lamely._] Keep 'em; I don't need 'em.
[VAIN WOMAN _fastens her fur and starts for the street-door, giving
the_ FORMER RICH CITIZEN _a snubbing look as she passes him_. IMP
_stops her and offers the ear-trumpet_.
IMP. You might need this; I'll sell it for a dollar.
[_She does not hear what he says, but she looks her scorn at the
ear-trumpet and walks proudly out._
FORMER RICH CITIZEN. [_Fumbling at his pocket, as if to find a watch._]
Boy, what time is it? I haven't my watch.
IMP. [_Grinning mischievously._] Time to milk the cows.
[_The_ FORMER RICH CITIZEN _starts angrily toward_ IMP, _then
evidently thinking better of it, shrugs his shoulders and stalks
majestically to the street-door. He pauses with it partly open,
turns as if to speak to_ IMP, _drawing himself up haughtily--a
ludicrous figure in his shabby outfit--then he goes abruptly out,
slamming the door_.
[IMP _doubles himself up in a paroxysm of glee as the curtain
falls_.
SCENE II
_A fortnight has passed. The curtain rises upon the same
stage-setting. The_ JUDGE _is not about, but we see_ IMP _asleep in
a chair. All seems quiet and serene. But suddenly the street-door
opens noisily, and the_ FORMER POOR MAN _bursts into the room. He
is panting, as though he had been running. He is haggard and seems
in great pain, for occasionally he moans. He looks wildly about the
room, and seeing_ IMP _asleep in the chair, he rushes to him and
shakes him roughly_. IMP _wakes slowly, yawning and rubbing his
eyes_.
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Frantically._] The Judge, where is he? I must see him
at once.
IMP. [_Yawning._] You're too early. He isn't down yet.
[_Settles himself to go to sleep again._
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Walking the floor, and holding his hands to his
stomach._] Don't go to sleep again. I'm nearly crazy. What time does the
Judge get here? Where does he live? Can't we send for him?
IMP. [_Indifferently._] Oh, he is liable to come any minute--and then he
may not come for an hour or two.
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Pacing the floor, moaning and rubbing his stomach_.]
Oh, I can't stand it much longer. It's driving me wild, I tell you. I do
wish the Judge would come.
IMP. [_Getting up from his chair and keeping step with the_ FORMER POOR
MAN.] What's the matter? I thought all you wanted was to eat, drink, and
be merry.
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Frantically waving his arms._] Eat, drink, and be
merry be----! Everything I eat gives me indigestion something awful;
everything I drink gives it to me worse. How can I be merry when I am in
this torment all the time? I tell you this pain is driving me mad. I
want to get rid of it quick. Oh, why doesn't the Judge come?
IMP. What's the Judge got to do with it?
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Pathetically._] I am going to beg him to take back
this indigestion and give me back my poverty. It was not so bad, after
all; not nearly so bad as this pain in my stomach.
[_The street-door opens slowly, and a sorrowful woman enters. She
is weeping softly. It is the_ VAIN WOMAN. _Gone is her posing and
her proud manner. She walks humbly to the railing, and not seeing
the_ JUDGE, she turns to IMP. _The_ FORMER POOR MAN _looks at the_
VAIN WOMAN, _frowningly muttering: "What's she here for?" Then he
sits down at the left and rocks back and forth in misery._
VAIN WOMAN. [_Tearfully._] I must see the Judge right away, please.
IMP. [Languidly.] He isn't down yet. You're too earl----
VAIN WOMAN. [_Interrupting._] Tell him that it is very important, that I
am in great distress and that he must see me at once.
IMP. [_Loudly._] I said that he was not down yet.
[_Seeing that she does not understand, he takes a writing-pad from
his desk, scribbles a few words, and standing in front of her,
holds it up for her to read._
VAIN WOMAN. [_After reading._] Oh, when will he be here? Can't you get
him to come right away? Oh, I am so unhappy. [_She walks the floor in
agitation._
[_The_ FORMER POOR MAN _grunts in irritation and turns his back on
her_.
VAIN WOMAN. I cannot hear a word that is said to me. No one seems to
want me around, and I am not invited out any more. I have the feeling
that people are making fun of me instead of praising my beauty. Oh, it
is dreadful to be deaf. [_Getting hysterical._] I want the Judge to take
away this deafness. I would rather have my wrinkles.
[IMP _shakes his head in pretended sympathy, saying: "Too bad, too
bad."_
[_She misunderstands and cries out._
VAIN WOMAN. Has the Judge given away my wrinkles? I want them back. I
want my very own wrinkles, too. Wrinkles are distinguished-looking.
[_Beginning to sob._] I don't want to be deaf any longer.
IMP. [_Running over to the_ FORMER POOR MAN.] Say, this lady feels very
bad. Can't you cheer her up a little?
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Who is still rocking back and forth with his own
misery, looks up at_ IMP _in disgust_.] Cheer--her--up! Me? What's the
joke?
[_The_ VAIN WOMAN _walks to the curtained door, looks in as if
seeking something, then returns to a chair, where she sits, weeping
softly_.
[_A peculiar thumping is heard at the street-door. The_ FORMER POOR
MAN _jumps to his feet in expectancy, hoping it is the_ JUDGE. IMP,
_also, stands waiting. The door opens as though the person that
opened it did so with difficulty. The_ FORMER RICH CITIZEN _hobbles
in. He is ragged and dirty, and one foot is bandaged, which causes
him to use a crutch. He carries a large milk-can. He hobbles
painfully to the centre of the stage. The_ FORMER POOR MAN _grunts
with disappointment, and sits down again, rubbing away at his
stomach. The_ VAIN WOMAN _sits with bowed head, silently weeping.
The_ FORMER RICH CITIZEN _looks about, then addresses_ IMP _in a
rather husky voice_.
FORMER RICH CITIZEN. I wish to see the Judge at once. It is most urgent.
IMP. [_With an ill-concealed smile._] You can't see the Judge at once.
FORMER RICH CITIZEN. [_Impatiently._] Why not? I told you it was most
urgent.
IMP. [_Grinning openly._] Because he isn't here. He hasn't come in yet.
What's your trouble?
FORMER RICH CITIZEN. [_Vehemently._] Trouble! Everything's the trouble!
I have been abused, insulted, overworked--even the cows have kicked me.
[_Looking down at his bandaged foot._] I can't stand it. I won't stand
it. I want back my proper place in the world, where I am respected, and
where I can rest and sleep and mingle with my kind. [_He hobbles to a
chair and sits down wearily._
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Getting up from his chair, walks over to the_ FORMER
RICH CITIZEN, _waggles his finger in his face and speaks fretfully_.]
What cause have you to squeal so? If you had indigestion like I have all
the time, you might be entitled to raise a holler. Why, I can't eat a
thing without having the most awful pain right here [_puts his hand to
the pit of his stomach_], and when I take a drink, oh, heavens, it----
FORMER RICH CITIZEN. [_Interrupting contemptuously._] You big baby,
howling about the stomachache. If you had a man-sized trouble, there
might be some excuse for you. Now I, who have been used to wealth and
respect, have been subjected to the most gruelling ordeals; why, in that
dairy there were a million cows, and they kicked me, and horned me, and
I----
VAIN WOMAN. [_Walks over to them, interrupting their talk, and speaks in
a voice punctuated with sniffing sobs._] Have--[_sniff_] either of you
gentlemen [_sniff_] ever been deaf? [_Sniff, sniff._] It is a terrible
thing [_sniff_] for a beautiful woman like I am [_sniff_] to have such
an affliction. [_Sniff, sniff, sniff._
[FORMER RICH CITIZEN _shrugs his shoulders indifferently and limps
to the other side of the stage, where he sits_.
FORMER POOR MAN. [_Stalks over to the railing, where he leans limply._]
Lord deliver me from a sniffling woman.