countenance, and with the cloth taken from her head. She had found Jesus
and had been baptized. 'Tilly,' I said, 'do you have to go through that
performance every time you get religion?'
"'Yes, Marse Thompson!'
"'How many times have you been baptized in the course of life?'
"''Bout leb'n times.'"
--_Washington Post._
"Kin a Quack Move?"
There was company for dinner at Dilly's house and they were enjoying the
first course, which consisted of oyster soup. Dilly made away with hers
for some time in silence until she had nearly cleaned the plate, when
she suddenly paused, and looking at her mother across the table, said,
in a stage-whisper: "Mamma, what you fink?--dere's a hair in my soup!"
"Hush, Dilly," said mamma, frowning; "it's nothing but a crack in the
plate."
Dilly moved the bowl of her spoon back and forth over the supposed
crack, and then exclaimed, triumphantly:
"Kin a quack move?"
--_Philadelphia Times._
The only thing that a man can borrow in this world without giving
security is trouble.
--_Lawrence American._
Sleeping With the Baby.
"Grindstone," exclaimed Kiljordan, in a tone of severe rebuke, as he
leaned wearily over the aisle of the car, "why don't you get up and give
that lady a seat? I would do it myself, only I've been doing the work of
two men at the office for a whole week."
"My wife has been away from home for two days," answered Grindstone
feebly, "and I've been sleeping with the baby."
"Madame," called out Kiljordan, rising briskly, "I'm not at all tired.
You may have my seat."
--_Chicago Tribune._
Out of Practice.
Lady of the house (to tramp)--You eat as if you never had seen a meal of
victuals before!
Tramp--Madam, you must excuse me. I s'pose I do eat awkward, but the
fact is I hain't had much practice lately.
--_Life._
What it Did.
"Stop that!" roared the exchange reader as the dramatic editor struck
into the first bars of "He's in the Asylum Now."
"What's the matter?" mildly asked the offender.
"Why, when you sing your voice sours my paste," was the explanation.
--_Buffalo Express._
As He Knew Them.
School Teacher (to boy at head of class, the lesson being
philosophy)--How many kinds of force are there?
Boy--Three, sir.
"Name them."
"Bodily force, mental force and the police force."
--_Punch._
Needs an Amendment.
Client (in Chicago)--I want a divorce.
Lawyer--For what reason?
"My wife cannot make good coffee."
"I am sorry, but the law is not broad enough for a man to get a decree
on mere coffee grounds."
--_Time._
THE IRISH WIDOW.
Mrs. Magoogin Discusses a Proposed Trip to Paris.
"Oi say, Mrs. McGlaggerty!"
"Arrah, fwhat is id, Mrs. Magoogin?"
"War ye uver in Parish, Oi dunno?"
"Is id me in Parish, Mrs. Magoogin?"
"Yis, you, Mrs. McGlaggerty. 'Twas to yersel' Oi was shpakin'."
"Me in Parish--the rale polly-boo-pancake Paris, Oi shuppose ye mane,
Mrs. Magoogin?"
"Oy, the same, me frind."
"Well, Oi was never there, thanks be to gudness."
"An' no more was Oi, me frind; but Oi hope there was no harrum in axin'
ye," said the Widow Magoogin. "An' how Oi kem to ax ye was jisht this,
d'ye see: The Montmorincy McGues acrass th' way had a fallin' out wud
aich other in the back yard two noights ago lasht Winsda', an' they med
that mooch av a rooction that foor polaicemin was called in be the
naybors, an' they had to shplit Micky Montmorincy McGue's nose in three
halves an' opin'd a hole in his wife Cordaylia's head that ye kud pit a
taycup into before they'd be quoiet an' lave the daycint payple livin'
on aither soide av thim go to shleep. The polaice tuk Micky to th'
shtation house an' begorrah the Joodge sint him to th' Oisland fur
noinety days. Now, d'ye know fwhat the Montmorincy McGues ar' givin'
out? They're tellin' ivrybody that Micky's gone over to th' Parish
Uxposition be the rekusht av the King an' Queen av France, an' that
he'll have a room all to himself in the palace av the Tooriloories, wud
wall paper an inch thick an the walls an' oice water to wash his hands
in an' a naygur to loight his poipe fur him an' howld it fwhoile he
shmokes. Mrs. Montmorincy McGue throied to give me the sthiff about
Micky an' the Parish Uxposition, but we hear ducks, Mrs. McGlaggerty.
That's an owld gag av th' sassoi'ty folks, Mrs. McGlaggerty, to partind
they're goin' to Europe fwhin they're only tin maile out in th' counthry
puyin' foive dollars a waik fur boord, an' Oi'm rale sarry to know that
the payple av Cherry Hill ar' takin' to id. Oi thawt Oi'd pit ye an to
th' gag, Mrs. McGlaggerty, bekase wan of these byootiful blyue Danube
days mebbe ye'll be hearin' that Mrs. Berdie Magoogin an' her
accomplished daughther, Mrs. Arethusy Dinkelshpiel, has gone to Parish
to intertain th' jook av Rockaway Cheese, an' fwhin ye do ye kin pit it
down as a fact that yer frind an' naybor, the daycint widdy woman that's
now shpakin' to ye, has kicked the shtuffin' out av a little
banty-legged Ditchman that was wanst her son-in-law, but that talked too
mooch about th' koind av poi an' cake that his ould freckle-haired
mother ushed to make, thet kin no more shpake th' Inglish languidge
c'reckly than a pig can say his pray'rs. Remim'er that, now, Mrs.
McGlaggerty!"
JOHN J. JENNINGS.
Lived on Water.
Smudge--Dr. Tanner was not the first man who lived on water for forty
days.
Fudge--No!
"Of course not."
"Who else?"
"Well, what's the matter with Noah?"
--_San Francisco News Letter._
Unpatriotic.
I always hate to tell a story out of season, but I am afraid that this
one will not keep until the next Fourth of July, so here goes: A woman
who lives in the western part of our city was very much disturbed by the
frightful noises which accompanied the celebration this year. She was
old and quite ill, and she had spent a night in tossing, waiting in vain
for a silence that came not and which drove sleep out of the question.
It was near sunbreak, when the noise was at its wildest, when with a
groan she turned over and in despair ejaculated: "Goodness, gracious me.
I wish the other side had licked!"
--_Baltimore Free Press._
She Knew the Vegetable.
Mrs. J. (severely)--John, there is a very strong odor about you.
Mr. J.--Yes--hic--my dear, I've--hic--been eating onions.
Mrs. J.--You may have the onion breath, John, but you certainly have not
the onion walk.
--_Life._
The Wisdom of Babes.
Ministerial Friend (on a visit)--I wonder what makes your mamma so happy
to-day? She is singing around all over the house.
Little Nell--I dess she's thought of somfin' to scold papa about when he
comes home.
--_Philadelphia Record._
A Cutting Remark.
Algernon--You must not think, dearest, that because you are rich and I
am poor I am anxious to marry you on account of your money.
Genevieve--Whose are you after, pa's?
--_Judge._
Their First Season.
HE.
I wonder now would she say yes?
I'd really like to make a go
Of one proposal to learn how,
And would, if only she'd say no.
SHE.
I wonder now will he propose?
I must have one before I go,
It's hard to hurt his feelings--still,
Can I say yes? Let's see--well--no.
--_Wasp._
The Rascal Responded Promptly.
Up in a certain town the grocers understand all the little tricks of the
trade. A gentleman bought six pounds of sugar, and found it sadly
adulterated with sand. The next day a notice was posted reading thus:
"NOTICE--I bought six pounds of sugar of a grocer in this village. From
it I have taken one pound of sand. If the rascal will send me six pounds
of sugar I will not expose him."
The next day five six-pound packages of sugar were left at the
gentleman's residence, there being just five grocers in the village.
--_Boston Record._
[Illustration: CHAMPION KICKERS.]
[Illustration: THE INVARIABLE RESULT.]
(_With apologies to Scott and Pope._)
Oh, woman in our hours of ease,
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.
--_Town Topics._
Reveries of the Season.
[Illustration]
I can't seem to realize, fully,
How quickly the season has flown;
I've scarce had a day through the summer,
To rest and to be quite alone.
I've been yachting and driving and bathing,
I know every horse on the track;
And I've planned out a beautiful future,
I'm engaged to be married to Jack.
From the first of July to September,
Is not a long courtship I know;
But, then, if we wait until Christmas,
'Twill be half a twelvemonth, and so
After telling Jack "Yes," on an impulse,
I couldn't somehow take it back;
And he says we can court all our lifetime,
So I'm to be married to Jack.
He hasn't a very large fortune,
But he's handsome and brimful of life,
And he says that his prospects will brighten
With me for his own little wife.
How little I dreamed when I came here,
How settled and staid I'd go back;
Not caring for flirting or dancing,
For I'm to be married to Jack.
I thought, at the first of the season,
Of titles and money and style;
But the charm which they hold is but trifling,
When I think of his bright, tender smile.
Ah, me! when a girl loves her lover,
Of happiness there is no lack,
My heart is as light as a feather,
I'm engaged to be married to Jack.
Not So Tough as That.
Mrs. Youngwife--Well, Harry, our first dinner party will be a great
success, I think. The dinner, I am sure, will be perfect.
Harry--I hope so. What's the game?
"Roast ducks with currant jelly."
"Gracious, Eleanor, the one thing I can't carve. They'll be tough, too,
I'll bet."
"Oh, no, they won't. I took care not to get canvas backs."
--_Utica Observer._
She Considered it a Deliberate Insult.
When General O. O. Howard was marching down through Tennessee, General
Whittlesey, late president of the Freedmen's Bank, was assistant
adjutant general on his staff. Whittlesey had been a clergyman down in
Maine, and was fully as strait-laced as Howard. One day Howard drove
into a farm-yard from which Whittlesey was just departing. A woman and
her grown daughter were standing outside the door.
"My good woman," said Howard, "will you kindly give me a drink of
water?"
"No. Get out of my yard. A lot of more impident Yankees I never seed."
"But I have done nothing and said nothing out of the way, and will
severely punish any of my soldiers who should say or do anything wrong."
"That sojer insulted me," said she, pointing to the retreating form of
General Whittlesey. "He axed me for a drink of water and when I done
give it to him he sassed me."
"But--but that is General Whittlesey, of my staff. I am sure he wouldn't
be rude to any woman."
"Maw," said the girl, pulling her mother's dress, "I reckon he moughtn't
have meant anything misbeholden."
"Hush; don't I know low-down blackguard talk when I hears it? He asked
me 'what was the State of my nativity?'"
--_Washington Post._
"I climb to rest," sings Lucy Larwin in a recent poem. So do we, Lucy.
Our sleeping apartment is on the first floor from the roof.
--_Light._
[Illustration]
SOFTLEIGH--What is the matter with your nose?
SARDONICUS--That is a berth mark.
SOFTLEIGH--I don't remember ever seeing it before.
SARDONICUS--No: I just got it last night coming down from Minneapolis. I
had an upper berth in the Pullman, and the train had a collision in
Wisconsin.
--_Chicago Liar._
It often happens that when a young man is disappointed in life he
commits suicide. When he is disappointed in marriage he either "grins
and bears it," or gets a divorce.
--_Norristown Herald._
MR. BOWSER ON DECK ONCE MORE.
He Delivers a Lecture Upon the Carelessness of Women.
In returning from a trip down town the other week I left my shopping bag
in the car, and when I mentioned the fact to Mr. Bowser and asked him to
call at the street railway office and get it, he replied:
"No, ma'am, I won't! Anybody careless enough to leave an article of
value in a street car deserves to lose it. Besides, you did not take the
number of the car, and they would only laugh at me at the office."
"Do you take the number of every street car you ride in?" I asked.
"Certainly. Every sensible person does. Day before yesterday I came up
in No. 70. I went back in No. 44. I came up to supper in No. 66.
Yesterday I made my trips in Nos. 55, 61 and 38. To-day in Nos. 83, 77
and 15. The street railways contract to carry passengers--not to act as
guardians for children and imbeciles."
"Mr. Bowser, other people have lost things on the street car."
"Yes--other women. You never heard of a man losing anything."
I let the matter drop there, knowing that time would sooner or later
bring my revenge. It came sooner than I expected. Mr. Bowser took his
dress coat down to a tailor to get a couple of new buttons sewed on, and
as he returned without it, I observed:
"You are always finding fault with the procrastination of my dressmaker.
Your tailor doesn't seem to be in any particular hurry."
"How?"
"Why, you were to bring that coat back with you."
"That coat! Thunder!"
Mr. Bowser turned pale and sprang out of his chair.
"Didn't lose it going down, did you?"
"I--I believe I--I----!"
"You left it on the street car when you come up?"
"Yes."
"Mr. Bowser, anybody careless enough to leave an article of value in a
street car deserves to lose it. However, you took the number of the car,
I presume?"
"N--no!"
"You didn't! That shows what sort of a person you are. Yesterday when I
went down after baby's shoes I took car No. 111. When I returned I took
car 86. When I went over to mother's I took car 56. The conductor had
red hair. One horse was brown and the other black. The driver had a cast
in his left eye. There were four women and five men in the car. We
passed two loads of ashes, one of dirt and an ice cream wagon. The
conductor wore No. 8 shoes, and was nearsighted. The street railways
contract to carry passengers, Mr. Bowser, not to act as guardians for
sap heads and children."
"But I'll get it at the office to-morrow," he slowly replied.
"Perhaps, but it is doubtful. As you can't remember the number of the
car they will laugh at the idea, and perhaps take you for an impostor."
He glared at me like a caged animal, and made no reply, and I confess
that I almost hoped he would never recover the coat. He did, however,
after a couple of days, and as he brought it home he looked at me with
great importance and said:
"There is the difference, Mrs. Bowser. Had you lost anything on the car
it would have been lost forever. The street car people were even sending
out messengers to find me and restore my property."
One day a laboring man called at the side door and asked for the loan of
a spade for a few minutes, saying that he was at work near by; and he
was so respectful that I hastened to accommodate him. Two days later Mr.
Bowser, who was working in the back yard, wanted the spade, and I had to
tell him that I lent it. As it was not to be found the natural inference
was that the borrower had not returned it.
"This is a pretty state of affairs!" exclaimed Mr. Bowser when he had
given up the search. "The longer some folks live the less they seem to
know."
"But he looked honest."
"What of it? You had no business to lend that spade."
"I was sure he'd return it."
"Well, he didn't, and anybody of sense would have known he wouldn't. If
somebody should come here and ask for the piano, I suppose you'd let it
go. Mrs. Bowser, you'll never get over your countrified ways if you live
to be as old as the hills. It isn't the loss of the spade so much, but
it is the fact that the man thinks you are so green."
In the course of an hour I found the spade at the side steps, where the
man had left it after using, but when I informed Mr. Bowser of the fact
he only growled:
"He brought it back because he probably heard me making a fuss about it
and was afraid of arrest."
Two days later, as Mr. Bowser sat on the front steps, a colored man came
up and asked to borrow the lawn mower for a few minutes for use on the
next corner.
"Certainly, my boy," replied Mr. Bowser; "you'll find it in the back
yard."
When he had gone I observed that the man had a suspicious look about him
and that I should not dare trust him, and Mr. Bowser turned on me with:
"What do you know about reading character? There never was a more honest
man in the world. I'd trust him with every dollar I have."
In about half an hour Mr. Bowser began to get uneasy, and after waiting
a few minutes longer he walked down to the corner. No black man. No lawn
mower. By inquiry he learned that the borrower had loaded the mower into
a handcart and hurried off. It was a clear case of confidence.
"Well?" I queried, as Mr. Bowser came back with his eyes bulging out and
his hair on end.
"It's--it's gone!" he gasped.
"I expected it. The longer some folks live the less they seem to know.
If somebody should come and want to borrow the furnace or the bay
windows you'd let 'em go, I suppose."
"But he--he----"
"But what of it? You had no business to lend that lawn mower, Mr.
Bowser. You'll never get over your countrified ways if you live----"
He would listen no further. He rushed out and sailed around the
neighborhood for two hours, and next morning got the police at work, and
it was three days before he would give up that he had been
"hornswagled," as one of the detectives put it. Then, to add to his
misery, the officer said:
"We'll keep our eyes open, but there isn't one chance in 500. After this
you'd better let your wife have charge of things. That negro couldn't
have bamboozed her that way."
--_Detroit Free Press._
[Illustration: DEDICATED TO SOROSIS.]
(_With the respectful compliments of_ PLUNDER.)
SUSIE--Why don't you get married, Kittie?
KITTIE--Well, I should like to--that's a fact. But, unfortunately, I'm
not yet able to support a husband.
H.
Both in Hard Luck.
This story opens on the third floor of a Harlem compartment-house.
He had been twisting around his chair trying to find words to express
his undying devotion, and had already begun to hem and haw, when a voice
came from the floor below:
"Miss Candlewick," it said, "I love you passionately--madly; bid me but
hope, and all the dark colors of my life will change!"
This was a bonanza for the young man above.
"Miss Clara, darling," he said tremulously, "them's my sentiments."
Then another voice came from below:
"No, Mr. Goatee, I cannot bid you hope; I love another."
"And them's mine, Mr. Morris," remarked Miss Clara.
--_Harpers' Bazar._
He Got There All the Same.
There is in Lewiston at least one man whose friends never worry about
his ability to take care of himself no matter where he may be.
He went to the inauguration at Washington, last month, and after hanging
around in the rain for an hour and becoming thoroughly wet, he thought
it would be a good plan to go up and stand under the capitol
portico,--that being next best to admittance to the capitol itself,
which seemed to be out of the question, as he had no ticket.
But when he tried to avail himself of this shelter, a policeman stopped
him.
"Can't I stand in here out of the rain?" the Lewistonian asked,
innocently.
"No," said the policeman, "not unless you have a ticket."
Our Lewiston friend stood by and exercised his wits for a few moments.
Presently two men in the capitol came out and asked the policeman for
checks, in order that they might get in again.
"No checks," said the officer.
"But how are we going to get in when we come back?"
"Go ahead, and I'll remember you."
The Lewiston man heard this and needed no other hint. He retreated for a
short time, then threw his coat back, tripped his hat rakishly on the
back of his head and started on a run for the entrance, as though
intending to brush right by the policeman.
"Hi!" said the officer, putting up his billy--"Where are you going?"
"Going in."
"Where's your ticket?"
"Ticket! Good gracious, you wouldn't give me any! You said you'd
remember."
"Oh, yes! yes, yes! Pass right in."
And in he went.
The same gentleman once made a sixty days' tour of Europe for a sum less
than a hundred dollars, passage included.
--_Lewiston Journal._
The Shah has left Paris for Baden. If all the stories are true the Shah
is rather a bad 'un himself.
--_Chicago Herald._
THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE NEVER DID RUN SMOOTH.
[Illustration: BLISS.]
[Illustration: WOE.]
Willing to Pay in Trade.
"There are some funny things in law, and lawyers meet with some funny
cases once in a while," said Representative Kelly, of Lackawanna. "A man
who is somewhat distinguished in criminal annals as an expert pickpocket
once asked a friend of mine to take a case for him.
"'Where's your money?' inquired my friend.
"'I haven't got any,' was the reply, 'but if you'll promise to do the
business for me I'll go out and get a watch for you in five minutes.'"
--_Pittsburgh Dispatch._
Here Again.
Now gay young men
And maidens fair
To ocean's shores
In crowds repair.
And on the sands
And hillsides green,
By day and night
In pairs are seen.
Or at the hops--
'Tis very plain
That flirting time
Is here again.
--_Boston Courier._
A Substitute.
A lady who is opposed to corporeal punishment visited a school at the
North End where the rod was being applied. Before going away she said a
few words to the offender, and asked him to come and see her on a
certain evening, promising that her daughter should sing and play to
him. He said he would come, and at the appointed time a boy dressed in
his best was ushered into her parlor, and for an hour or more his kind
entertainers devoted themselves to his enjoyment. Afterwards the older
lady took him one side and began to speak of the importance of good
behavior and obedience to rules, when she was interrupted with: "Oh, I
ain't that fellar! He gin me ten cents to cum, instid er him!"
--_Boston Transcript._
Wrong Train.
A little boy, fond of "playing conductor," arranged the dining room
chairs in line and called in his one passenger, a lady of serious mind,
to know at what place she wished to stop.
"The station nearest heaven, my dear," she answered.
"Oh, you're on ee yong t'ain, lady--you're on ee yong t'ain!"
--_Detroit Tribune._
An Unreliable Symptom.
Chicagoan (decisively)--I feel it in my bones that Chicago is going to
have the fair.
New Yorker--I should advise you to see a physician. I know a man who
felt something in his bones, and it turned out to be rheumatism.
V. S.
A Financial Solomon.
Gontran--But you are surely mad! How can you think of borrowing money on
those terms and from people of that stamp?
Holske--My dear fellow, better go to a scamp who lends you money at 15
percent than to an honest man who refuses you at 5.
--_Le Figaro._
Four Too Many.
Chicago Woman--I want a marriage license. My fiance is too busy to come
himself.
Clerk of Court--Yes, ma'am (glancing at calendar). Let me see, this is
the 10th, isn't it?
Chicago Woman--Why, how perfectly absurd of you! This is only my sixth.
--_Minneapolis Tribune._
Too Much of a Denial.
Wiggins--You're rather too old to take in as an office-boy. You must
have lived pretty fast to be at the bottom of the ladder at your age.
Applicant--No indeed, sir. I'm just as slow as I ever was while a boy.
--_Life._
A Puzzled Celt.
A class in a San Francisco art school was recently startled by the
sudden appearance in its midst of a dilapidated Irishman who, with tears
in his eyes begged for enough money to get him a "bite." The first
impulse of the presiding genius was to request him to move on, but his
picturesque qualities suggested that he be given a chance to earn his
supper by sitting as a model.
"Sit down," said the instructor, kindly. "If you will permit these young
ladies to paint you we will pay you four bits. What do you say?"
"Av Oi'll let 'em wha-at?" replied the beggar, with a puzzled look on
his face.
"Paint you. Paint you. It won't take very long."
"Bedad, Oi want th' foor bits bad enough," he returned, after a moment's
reflection, "an' Oi'll be viry gla-ad t' let th' young ladies paint me
av ye'll tell me how'll Oi'll git the paint arf me afterwar-rds."
--_Harpers' Magazine._
A Suitable Adviser.
Simpson (to friend who is lamenting the conduct of his son)--You should
speak to him with firmness, and remind him of his duties.
Father--He pays no attention to what I say. He listens only to the
advice of fools. I wish you would speak to him!
--_San Francisco Wasp._
Broke In.
Araminta--You put your arm around my waist so gracefully, George.
George--I have had lots of practice. I was a street car conductor five
years.
--_Epoch._
Dog Days.
Kind Lady (to tramp)--That coat you have on is pretty well worn out,
isn't it?
Tramp--Yes, madame, I fear it has gone to the dogs.
--_Clothier and Furnisher._
Although people do not like a tumble, they generally appreciate a fall
in the mountains.
--_Boston Gazette._