_House of Commons, Monday, May 19._--OLD MORALITY in new and charming
mood to-night; turned over a fresh leaf in his copybook; entered upon
the chapter headed "Banter;" not only enjoyed himself, but was cause
of enjoyment in others. ESSLEMONT began it; doled out, as if it were
ounce of tea or yard and quarter of calico, ponderous joke about
having no Holiday at Whitsuntide, and adding three days to Recess at
end of Session.
"I will take a note of the Hon. Member's recommendation," said OLD
MORALITY.
Nobody laughs when I tell this; yet, remember, House roared whilst OLD
MORALITY, resuming seat, sat with pursed-up lips and furrowed brow,
fearful lest he should spoil situation by smiling. Must have told the
joke wrong; look up Parliamentary Reports. No, there it is, the
very words; also his retort to TIM HEALY; his turning the flank of
HARCOURT; his triumphant knocking over of TIM, when, after brief
pause, he came up again.
"Such badinage!" said CHARLES WILSON, "such persiflage!"
So it seemed at time. Everyone roared with delight.
"Quite in DIZZY'S style," said the admiring STANHOPE.
"Only better," added the ecstatic GEORGY HAMILTON.
Thought so too at the time; but when I come to write down the jokes,
the fun has gone, the flavour escaped, the bloom shed. Wonder what it
was we all laughed at?
[Illustration: "Such badinage! such persiflage!"]
"You do your best," said the Member for Sark, always ready with kindly
remark, "but you can't bring OLD MORALITY and all he is to us on
your written page. His voice, his looks, his way of getting up and
of sitting down, his throwing back his head and thrusting forward his
chin as he mouths his apophthegm, his nervous glance round the House,
his assumption of a stern official aspect, breaking presently into a
smile when the House laughs; his apologetic way of sitting on the
edge of the seat when he has snubbed HARCOURT; all his goodness,
his littleness, his honest intention, and his occasional lapses
into crooked paths; his 'Certainly, Sir,' when the thing is quite
otherwise, his blush when he discovers himself dealing with facts in
a Pickwickian sense, his constitutional modesty, and his spasmodic
aggressiveness, the look in his eye as of a wounded hare when COURTNEY
refuses to put the Closure he has moved,--all these are things, little
in themselves, momentary in their passage, which you, dear TOBY, can
no more transfer to your folios than you can illuminate them with the
glow of sunset, or perfume them with the scent of country lanes in
this sweet spring-time. OLD MORALITY belongs to us. He is a peculiar
growth of the House of Commons, unique, unprecedented, unapproachable,
never fully to be understanded of, or appreciated by, the people."
_Business done._--Battling round Budget Bill; sat all night, and far
into morning.
_Tuesday._--CADOGAN in good time at House of Lords to-day. DENMAN
got first place with Motion for Second Reading of his Bill extending
Municipal Franchise in Ireland. CADOGAN to move rejection of Measure
in name of Government.
"I must be firm," he said, as he turned up his trousers over his white
spats. "DENMAN a terrible fellow when he's roused."
[Illustration: Going down to the House.]
House pretty full when DENMAN appeared at table in position of Leader
of Opposition. An ordinary Member not connected with either present or
late Government, usually speaks from Bench on which he is accustomed
to sit. DENMAN preferred conveniences of table. Most interesting
speech, what could be heard of it. Good deal about Sir ROBERT PEEL;
occasional reference to PALMERSTON; some reminiscences of early
journey in railway-carriage in STEPHENSON'S time; a passing remark
as to the weather, and probable state of the crops on this day six
months. But, as CADOGAN subsequently remarked, nothing whatever about
the Bill. Lords in an awkward position. Had the scene been in the
Commons, and the elderly grey-haired gentleman at the table been
merely returned by a constituency, the case would have been different.
Might have been howled down in a few moments. But with a Peer of
the Realm, a hereditary legislator, a personage whose vote might in
certain conceivable circumstances suffice to throw out a Bill which
had received sanction of House of Commons, it is, as GRANVILLE says,
_une autre paire de manches_. If anyone whispered that DENMAN had a
tile off, whither would the admission lead us? A Peer is a man--or
rather, a Being--of a special, superlative order. Admitted within
that order, he becomes, _ipso facto_, a person of extraordinary
intelligence, keen intellect, ripe judgment, irreproachable character.
A little awkward that DENMAN should seem to be rambling. If he were a
Commoner, might even be called incoherent. Being a Peer, some forty or
fifty other Peers sat through twenty minutes with polite assumption
of listening. But there is a substratum of human nature even in
the Peerage. When DENMAN, _a propos_ of the Municipal Franchise in
Ireland, began to talk about COLUMBUS'S egg, there was a murmur of
impatience; when he slid into the Panama Canal the murmur grew to a
shout. Awhile, amid stormy cries for the Division, the House of Lords
resembled the House of Commons.
After brief struggle with unwonted elements, DENMAN resumed seat; Bill
thrown out, and with regained equanimity noble Lords turned to next
business. To their horror, DENMAN up again at table; forgotten to
mention a particular circumstance connected with COLUMBUS'S egg.
"Perhaps their Lordships----" But this too much. At whatever risk to
Peerage as a body, DENMAN must be shouted down. So they roared at him
with cries of "Order!" he standing regarding them with looks of pained
surprise. Was it possible they declined to hear more about COLUMBUS'S
egg? "Order! Order!" they roared, BATH leading the onslaught.
"It is you, my Lords, who are disorderly," said DENMAN, and with head
erect, and tall figure carried with pathetic dignity, he strode back
to Cross Benches, and sat down in seat of PRINCE OF WALES.
_Business done._--Budget Bill in Commons.
_Thursday._--All the blood of his great predecessor in spoliation,
HENRY THE EIGHTH, just now swelled in the bosom of JAMES STUART
ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON. Prince ARTHUR responsible for the flood.
Question about meeting announced to be held in Mid-Tipperary next
Sunday. Prince ARTHUR has, it seems, prohibited it. JOHN MORLEY wants
to know why? There was, he says, public meeting held in same place
last month, addressed by English Members; that not proclaimed. What
was the difference between meeting addressed by Irish Members, and
another by English Members, that one should be taken and the other
left?
"The difference is," said Prince ARTHUR, speaking with embarrassed
air, as if the distinction was dragged out of him, "that the result
of the meeting addressed by Irish Members was to produce intimidation,
whilst the result of the other was, I should say, _nil_."
If JAMES STUART ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON had only lived in the times
of his great predecessor, and wielded his power, Prince ARTHUR would
forthwith have been conducted to Tower Hill, and shortened by a head.
Why he (JAMES, &c.) was at this meeting at Mid-Tipperary last month!
He, standing on a butter-tub, had addressed the men of Tipperary;
the echo of his eloquence still filled the dales, whilst the hills
reverberated with the cheers of the men of Tipperary. For this
insolent hireling of a Coercionist Government to speak in tones of
studied slight of such a demonstration was more than J. S. A. T. P.
could stand. If our two giants, JOHN O'CONNOR and HENRY PEASE had
not joined hands and held him back, gore would have sprinkled the
precincts of the Treasury Bench. As it was, the subject dropped, and
House proceeded to discuss Budget Bill.
_Business done._--A good lead.
[Illustration: Pease (with Honour).]
_Friday._--House adjourned for holidays. "When we come back," says OLD
MORALITY, "we must really begin work. Playtime up to now; left most
of the work over; must buckle to. We've been in some danger, and there
may be more ahead. Why are persons sometimes killed by leaning over
beer-vats? Because vats, when beer has been made, contain large
quantities of carbonic acid gas, produced by the vinous fermentation
of the beer; and when a man incautiously leans over a beer-vat and
inhales the carbonic acid, he is killed thereby. It is, of course,
not quite the same in respect of spirits. Still, when a Chancellor of
Exchequer has clapped on sixpence a gallon on whiskey, it is as well
for his colleagues to avoid looking a Scotch hogshead or an Irish
puncheon in the face. _Au plaisir, cher_ TOBY. Come along, JACKSON!"
The two Right Honourables go off together, JACKSON evidently turning
over in his mind OLD MORALITY'S observations on the beer-vat.
"A wonderful man," he says, "his mind stored with odd bits of
information, which he draws upon for enlightenment upon ordinary
events of daily life. Don't exactly see, though, how he rolled in that
beer-vat. Must think it over during the Recess."
Everyone glad to hail JACKSON "Right Honourable." A proud title,
as yet not spoiled by indiscriminate distribution. Suffices for
GLADSTONE, as it did for PEEL; suits JACKSON exactly.
_Business done._--Winding up for Whitsuntide. Adjourn for holidays
till Monday, June 2nd.
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