Constance, Switzerland.
My dear Tom,--Before passion gets the better of me, and I forget all
about it, let me acknowledge the welcome arrival of your post bill
for one hundred, but for which, Heaven knows in what additional
embarrassment I might now be in. You will see, by the address, that I
am in Switzerland. How we came here I 'll try and explain, if Providence
grants me patience for the effort; this being the third time I have
addressed myself to the task unsuccessfully.
I need not refer to the situation in which my last letter to you left
us. You may remember that I told you of the various preparations
that were then in progress for a certain auspicious event, whose
accomplishment was fixed for the ensuing week. Amongst others, I wrote
to Morris for some articles of dress and finery to be procured at
Baden, and for, if possible, a comfortable travelling-carriage, with a
sufficiency of boxes and imperials.
Of course in doing so it was necessary, or at least it was fitting, that
I should make mention of the cause for these extraordinary preparations,
and I did so by a very brief allusion to the coming event, and to the
rank of my future son-in-law, the youthful Baron and heir of Wolfenfels.
I am not aware of having said much more than this, for my letter was so
crammed with commissions, and catalogues of purchases, that there was
little space disposable for more intelligence. I wrote on a Monday,
and on the following Wednesday evening I was taking a stroll with James
through the park, chatting over the approaching event in our family,
when a mounted postboy galloped up with a letter, which being marked
"Most pressing and immediate," the postmaster had very properly
forwarded to me with all expedition. It was in Morris's hand, and very
brief. I give it to you verbatim:--
"My dear Sir,--For Heaven's sake do not advance another step
in this affair. You have been grossly imposed upon. As soon
as I can procure horses I will join you, and expose the most
scandalous trick that has ever come to the knowledge of
yours truly,
"E. Morris.
"Post-House, Tite See. 2 o'clock p.m. Wednesday."
You may imagine--I cannot attempt to describe--the feelings with which
James and I read and re-read these lines. I suppose we had passed the
letter back and forwards to each other fully a dozen times, ere either
of us could summon composure to speak.
"Do you understand it, James?" said I.
"No," said he. "Do _you?_"
"Not unless the scoundrel is married already," said I.
"That was exactly what had occurred to me," replied he. "'Most
scandalous trick,' are the words; and they can only mean that."
"Morris is such a safe fellow,--so invariably sure of whatever he says."
"Precisely the way I take it," cried James. "He is far too cautious to
make a grave charge without ample evidence to sustain it! We may rely
upon it that he knows what he is about."
"But bigamy is a crime in Germany. They send a fellow to the galleys for
it," said I. "Is it likely that he 'd put himself in such peril?"
"Who knows!" said James, "if he thought he was going to get an English
girl of high family, and with a pot of money!"
Shall I own to you, Tom, that remark of James's nearly stunned
me,--carelessly and casually as it fell from _him_, it almost
overwhelmed me, and I asked myself, Why should he think she was of high
family? Why should he suppose she had a large fortune? Who was it
that propagated these delusions? and if there really was a "scandalous
trick," as Morris said, could I affirm that all the roguery was on one
side? Could I come into court with clean hands, and say, "Mrs. Dodd
has not been cheating, neither has Kenny James "? Where are these broad
acres of arable and pasture,--these verdant forests and swelling lawns,
that I have been bestowing with such boundless munificence? How shall we
prove these fourteen quarterings that we have been quoting incessantly
for the past three weeks? "No matter for _that_," thought I, at length.
"If the fellow has got another wife, I 'll break every bone in his
skin!" I must have pondered this sentiment aloud, for James echoed it
even more forcibly, adding, by way of sequel, "And kick him from this to
Rotterdam!"
I mention this in detail to show that we both jumped at once to the same
conclusion, and, having done so, never disputed the correctness of our
guess. We now proceeded to discuss our line of action,--James advising
that he should be "brought to book" at once; I overruling the counsel by
showing that we could do nothing whatever till Morris arrived.
"But to-morrow is fixed for the wedding!" exclaimed James.
"I know it," said I, "and Morris will be here to-night. At all events,
the marriage shall not take place till he comes."
"I 'd charge him with it on the spot," cried James. "I 'd tell him,
in plain terms, the information had come to me from an authority of
unimpeachable veracity, and to refute it if he could."
"Refute what?" said I. "Don't you see, boy, that we really are not in
possession of any single fact,--we have not even an allegation?"
I assure you, Tom, that I had to make him read the note over again, word
by word, before he was convinced of the case.
As we walked back to the castle, we talked over the affair, and turned
it in every possible shape, both of us agreeing that we could not, with
any safety, intrust our intelligence to the womankind.
"We 'll watch him," said James; "we 'll keep an eye on him, and wait for
Morris."
I own to you my feelings distressed me to that degree I could scarcely
enter the house, and as to appearing at supper it was clean out of the
question. How could I bring myself to accept the shelter of a man's
roof against whom I harbored the very worst suspicions! Could I be
Judas enough to sit down at table with one against whom I was hatching
exposure and shame! It was bad enough to think that my wife and daughter
were there. As for James, he took his place at the board with such
an expression in his features that I verily believe Banquo looked a
pleasanter guest at Macbeth's banquet. I betook myself to the terrace,
and walked there till midnight, watching with eye and ear towards the
road that led from Freyburg.
"Night or Blücher!" said the Duke, on the memorable field at Waterloo;
but there was the blessing of an alternative in _his_ case. _Mine_ had
none. It was Morris or nothing with _me_, And now I began anathematizing
to myself those crusty, secret, cautious natures that are always
satisfied when they cry "Stop!" without taking the trouble to say
wherefore. What may be a precipice to one man, thought I, is only a step
to another! How does _he_ know that _his_ notions of roguery would tally
with _mine?_ There 's many a thing they call a cheat in England we
might think a practical joke in Ireland. The national prejudices are
constantly in opposition; look, for instance, at the opposite view they
take of the "Income tax"! Morris, besides, is a strait-laced fellow
that would be shocked at a trifle. Maybe it's some tomfoolery about his
ancestors, some flaw in the 'scutcheon of Conrad, or Leopold, that
lived in the year nine. Egad! I wonder what the Dodds were doing in that
century? Or perhaps it is his politics he's hinting at, for I believe
the Baron is a bit of a Radical! For that matter, so am I,--at least,
occasionally, and when the Whigs are in power; for, as I observed to you
once, Tom, "always be a shade more liberal than the Government." It
was years and years before I came to see the good policy of that simple
rule, but, believe me, it 's well worth remembering. Be a Whig to the
Tories; be a Radical to the Whigs; and when Cobden and that batch come
in, as they are sure to do sooner or later, there will be yet some lower
depth to descend to and cry, "Take me out!"
I was remarking that Morris is quite capable of being shocked at the
Baron's politics, and fancying that I am giving my daughter to one of
those Organization of Labor and Rights of Man humbugs that are always
getting up rows and running away from them. Now, Tom, I hold these
fellows mighty cheap. A patriot without pluck is like a steam-engine
wanting a boiler. Why, it 's the very essence and vitality of the
whole; but still I am not sure that, as the world goes, I 'd be right
in refusing him my daughter because he put his faith in Kossuth, and
thought the Austrian Empire an unclean thing!
I tell you these ruminations and reasonings of mine that you may
perceive how I turned the matter over with myself in a candid spirit,
and was led away neither by prejudice nor passion. From ten o'clock till
eleven--from eleven till midnight--I walked the terrace up and down,
like the Ghost in "Hamlet,"--I hope I'm right in my quotation,--but
neither sight nor sound indicated Morris's arrival! "What if he should
not come!" thought I. "How can I frame a pretext for putting off the
wedding?" There was no opening for delay that I could think of. I had
signed no end of deeds and parchments; I had written my name to "acts"
of every possible shape and description. The solemnity of the church and
my paternal blessing were alone wanting to complete the fifth act of the
drama. I racked my brain to invent a plausible, or even an intelligible
cause for postponement. Had I been a condemned felon, I could not have
tortured my imagination more intensely to find a pretext for a reprieve.
But one issue of escape presented itself. I could be dangerously ill,--a
sudden attack; at my age a man can always have gout in the stomach! My
daughter, of course, could not be married if I was at death's door; and
as, happily, there was no doctor in the neighborhood, the feint
attack ran no risk of being converted into a serious action. Since the
memorable experiment of my mock illness at Ems, I own I had no fancy for
the performance, nor could I divest my mind of the belief that all these
things are, in a measure, a tempting of Providence. But what else could
I do? There was not, so far as I could see, another road open to me.
I was just, therefore, turning back into the house, to take to my bed
in a dangerous condition, when I heard the clattering of whips, in that
crack-crack fashion your German postilion always announces an arrival.
I at once hastened down to the door, and arrived at the same moment
that four posters, hot and smoking, drew up a travelling-barouche to the
spot. Morris sprang out at once, and, seizing my hand, with what for him
expressed great warmth, said,--
"Not too late, I hope and trust?"
"No," said I; "thanks to your note, I was fully warned."
By this time a stranger had also descended from the carriage, and stood
beside us.
"First of all, let me introduce my friend, Count Adelberg, who, I
rejoice to say, speaks English as well as ourselves."
We bowed, and shook hands.
"By the greatest good luck in the world," continued Morris, "the
Count happened to be with me when your letter arrived, and, seeing the
post-mark, observed, 'I see you have got a correspondent in my part of
the world,--who can he be?' Anxious to obtain information from him, I
immediately mentioned the circumstances to which your note referred,
when he stopped me suddenly, exclaiming, 'Is this possible,--can you
really assure me that this is so?'"
But, my dear Purcell, I cannot go over a scene which nearly overcame
me at the time, and now, in recollection, is scarcely endurable. The
torture and humiliation of that moment I hope never to go through again.
In three words, let me tell my tale. Count Adelberg was the owner and
lord of Wolfsberg, the Wolfenschafers being his stewards. This pretended
Baron was a young swindling rascal, who had gone to Bonn less for
education than to seek his fortune. The popular notion in Germany, that
every English girl is an heiress of immense wealth, had suggested to
him the idea of passing himself off for a noble of ancient family and
possessions, and thus securing the hand of some rich girl ambitious of a
foreign rank and title. He had considerable difficulties to encounter in
the prosecution of his scheme, but he surmounted or evaded them all. He
absented himself from Baden, for instance, where recognition would have
been inevitable, under the pretext of his political opinions; and he,
with equal tact, avoided the exposure of his father's vulgarity, by
keeping the worthy individual confined to bed. Of the servants and
retainers of the castle, the shrewd ones were his accomplices, the less
intelligent his dupes. In a word, Tom, an artful plot was well laid
and carried out, to impose upon people whose own short-sightedness and
vulgar pretensions made them ready victims for even a less ingenious
artifice.
I was very nigh crazy as I heard this explanation. They had to hold me
twice or thrice by main force to prevent my rushing into the house and
wreaking a personal vengeance on the scoundrel. Morris reasoned and
argued with me for above an hour. The Count, too, showed that our whole
aim should be to prevent the affair getting rumored abroad, and to
suppress all notoriety of the transaction. He alluded with consummate
delicacy to our want of knowledge of Germany and its people as an
explanation of our blunder, and condoled with me on the outrage to our
feelings with all the tact of a well-bred gentleman. Any slight pricks
of conscience I had felt before, from our own share in the deception,
were totally merged in my sense of insulted honor, and I utterly
forgot everything about the imaginary townlands and villages I had so
generously laid apart for Mary Anne's dowry.
The next question was, what to do? The Count, with great politeness and
hospitality, entreated that we should remain, at least for some days,
at the castle. He insisted that no other course could so effectually
suppress any gossip the affair might give rise to. He supported this
view, besides, by many arguments, equally ingenious as polite. But
Morris agreed perfectly with me, that the best thing was to get away
at once; that, in fact, it would be utterly impossible for us to pass
another day under that roof.
The next step was to break the matter to Mrs. D. I suppose, Tom, that
even to as old a friend as yourself I ought not to make the confession;
but I can't help it,--it will out, in spite of me; and I frankly admit
it would have amply compensated to me for all the insult, outrage,
and humiliation I experienced, if I were permitted just to lay a plain
statement of the case before Mrs. D., and compliment her upon the
talents she exercises for the advancement of her children, and the proud
successes they have achieved. In my heart and soul I believe that, in
the disposition I then felt myself, and with as good a cause to handle,
I could very nearly have driven her stark mad with rage, shame, and
disappointment. Morris, however, declared positively against this. He
took upon himself the whole duty of the explanation, and even made me
give a solemn pledge not in any way to interfere in the matter. He went
further, and compelled me to forego my plans of vengeance against the
young rascal who had so grossly outraged us.
I have not patience to repeat the arguments he employed. They, however,
just came to this: that the paramount question was to hush up the whole
affair, and escape at once from the scene in which it occurred. I don't
think I 'll ever forgive myself for my compliance on this head! I have
an accommodating conscience with respect to many debts; but to know and
feel that I owe a fellow a horse-whipping, and to experience in my heart
the conviction that I don't intend to pay it, lowers me in my own esteem
to a degree I have no power to express. I explained this to Morris.
I showed him that in yielding to his views I was storing up a secret
source of misery for many a solitary reflection. I even proposed to be
satisfied with ten minutes' thrashing of him in secret; none to be the
wiser but our two selves! He would not hear of it And now, Tom, I own to
you that if the story gets abroad in the world, this is the part of
it that will most acutely afflict me. I really can't tell you why
I permitted him to over-persuade me, and make me do an act at
once contrary to my country, my nature, and my instincts. The only
explanation I can give is this: it is the air of the Continent. Bring
an English bull-dog abroad, feed him with raw beef as you would at home,
treat him exactly the same--but he loses his courage, and would n't
face a terrier. I 'm convinced it's the same with a man; and you 'll
see fellows put up with slights and offences here that in their own land
they 'd travel a hundred miles to resent. One comfort I have, however,
and it is this,--I have never been well since I yielded this point
My appetite is gone; I can't sleep without starting up, and I have a
fluttering about my heart that distresses me greatly; and although
these are more or less disagreeable, they show me that, under fair
circumstances, K. I. could be himself again; and that though the
Continent has breached, it has not utterly destroyed, his natural good
constitution.
To be brief, our plan of procedure was this: I was to remain with the
Count in his apartment, while Morris went on his mission to Mrs. D.
The explanation being made, we were to take the Count's carriage to
Constance, where we could remain for a week or so, until we had decided
which way to turn our steps; and gave also time to Caroline, who was
still with Morris's mother, to join us.
I told M. that I did n't like to go far, that my remittances might
possibly miss me, and so on; and the poor fellow at once said, that if
a couple of hundred pounds could be of the slightest convenience to me,
they were heartily at my service. Of course, Tom, I said no, that I was
not in the least in want of money. It was the first time in my life I
refused a loan; but I could n't take it. I could have found it easier
to rob a church at that moment! He flushed deeply when I declined the
offer, and stammered out something about his deep regret if he could
have offended me; and, indeed, I had some trouble to prove that I was
n't a bit annoyed or provoked.
Although all the conversation I have alluded to took place outside the
castle, we were not well inside the door when we perceived that Count
Adelberg's arrival had already been made known to the household. Troops
of servants hastened to receive him, amongst whom, however, neither the
steward nor his son were to be found.
"Send Wolfenschfer to the library," said he to a footman, as we went
along, and then conducted me to a small and favorite chamber of which he
always kept the key himself. He made me promise not to quit this till he
returned, and then left me to my own not over-gratifying reflections in
perfect solitude as they were; Morris having departed on his embassy.
I was speculating on the various emotions each of us was likely to
experience at the discovery of this catastrophe, when Morris entered the
room, with an amount of agitation in his manner I had never witnessed
before.
"Well," said I, "you've told her,--how does she bear it?"
"I confess," said he, stammeringly, "Mrs. Dodd does not appear to
place too much reliance upon my mere word,--I mean, not that kind of
confidence which could be called implicit."
"Why, you showed her that we have been infamously deceived, grossly
insulted?"
"I endeavored to do so," said he, still hesitating. "I tried in the most
delicate manner to explain by what vile artifices you had been tricked;
and that, on my detection of the scheme, I had hastened over from Baden,
fortunately in sufficient time to prevent the accomplishment of this
nefarious plot. She scarcely would hear me out, however; for, without
paying any regard to the proofs I was giving of my statement, she flew
into a passion about my habit of obtruding myself into family affairs,
and the impertinent interference which I had practised more than once
in matters which did not concern me. In a word, she utterly disbelieved
every word I said, attributed my interested feelings to very unworthy
motives, and made a few personal remarks of a nature the reverse of
complimentary."
"Was my daughter present?" asked I.
"Miss Dodd had gone to her room a short time previously, but Mrs. Dodd
sent for her as I was leaving the chamber."
I could not any longer master my impatience, but, without waiting for
more, rushed upstairs and into my wife's room. A glance assured me
that the work of persuasion was already accomplished; for she was lying
half-fainting in a large chair, while Mary Anne and Betty were bathing
her temples and using the usual restoratives for suspended animation.
I had abundant time to observe Mary Anne during these proceedings,
and, to my excessive wonderment do I own it, the girl was as calm, as
self-possessed, and as collected as ever I saw her. I defy the very
shrewdest to say that they could detect one trait of anxiety or
discomposure about her; so that, though I saw Mrs. D. had yielded to the
convictions of truth, I really could not say whether or not Mary Anne
had yet heard of the story. I thought, however, I 'd explore the way
by an artificial path, and said: "If she's well enough to be carried
downstairs, Mary Anne, we ought to do it. The great matter is to quit
this place at once."
"Of course, papa," said she, without the slightest touch of emotion.
"After what has occurred," said I, "every moment I remain is a fresh
insult."
"Quite so," said she, composedly.
Ah, Tom, these women are out and out beyond us! Neither physiologists
nor novel-writers know a bit about them. The stock themes with these
fellows are their tender susceptibility, gentleness, and so forth. Take
my word for it, it is in strength of character, in downright power of
endurance, that they excel us. They possess a quality of submission
that rises to actual heroism, and they can summon an amount of energy
to resist an insult to their pride of which we men have no conception
whatever.
Instead of any attempt to condole with Mary Anne, or to comfort her,
the best I could do was to try to imitate the dignified calm of her
composure.
"Don't you think," said I to her, "that we could be off by daybreak?"
"Easily," said she. "Augustine is packing up, and when mamma is a little
better I 'll assist her."
"_She_ knows it all?" said I, with a gesture towards my wife.
"Everything!"
"And believes it at last?"
A nod was the reply.
Egad, Tom, this coolness completely took me aback. I could do nothing
but stare at the girl with amazement, and ask myself, "Does she really
know what has happened?"
In utter indifference to my scrutiny, she continued her attentions to
her mother, whispering orders from time to time to Betty Cobb.
"Hadn't you better give some directions about your trunks, papa?" said
she to me.
And thus recalled to myself, I hastened to follow the advice. Faddy, as
is customary with him at any great emergency, was drunk, and, with
the usual consequence, engaged in active conflict with the rest of the
servants' hall. As for James, I sought for him everywhere in vain,
but at last learned that he was seen to saddle and bridle a horse for
himself about half an hour before, which done, he mounted and rode off
at speed towards the forest, which direction, it appeared, the young
Baron! had taken some time before. I should have felt uncommonly uneasy
for the result had they not assured me that there was not the very
slightest chance of his overtaking the fugitive.
Morris told me, too, that the old steward had been turned out of doors
already, so that we had at least the satisfaction of a very heavy
vengeance. The Count never ceased to show us every attention in his
power; and, so far as politeness and good manners could atone to us,
everything was done that could be imagined. With Morris's aid I got my
things together, and before daybreak the carriage stood fully loaded at
the door. There was, it is true, "an awful sacrifice" exacted by this
hurried packing; and the frail finery of the trousseau found but scanty
tenderness, as it was bundled up into valises and even carpet-bags!
However, I was determined to march, even at the loss of all my baggage,
if necessary!
While these active operations went forward, Mrs. D. "improved the
occasion" by some sharp attacks of hysterics, which providentially ended
in a loss of voice at last; and thus a happy calm was permitted us, in
which to take a slight breakfast before starting.
If I call it slight, Tom, it was not with reference to the preparations,
which were really on the most sumptuous scale, and all laid out in the
large dinner-room with great taste. The Count had told Morris that if
his presence might not be thought intrusive, he would feel it a great
honor to be permitted to pay his respects to the ladies; and when I
mentioned this to Mary Anne, to my no small astonishment she replied,
"Oh, with pleasure! I really think we owe it to him for all his
attentions." Ay! Tom, and what is more, down came my wife, who had
passed the night in screaming and sobbing, looking all smiles and
blandnesses, leaning on Mary Anne, who, by the way, had dressed herself
in the most becoming fashion, and seemed quite bent on a conquest. Oh,
these woman, these women!--read them if you can, Tom Purcell! for, upon
my conscience, they are far above the humble intelligence of your friend
K. I.
I don't think you 'd believe me if I was to give you an account of that
same breakfast. If ever there was an incident calculated to overwhelm
with shame and confusion, it was precisely that which had just occurred
to us. It was not possible to conceive a situation more painful than we
were placed in; and with all that, I vow and declare that, except Morris
and myself, none seemed to feel it. Mrs. D. ate and drank, and bowed and
smiled and gesticulated, and ogled the Count to her heart's content;
and Mary Anne chatted and laughed with him in all the ease of intimate
acquaintanceship; and as he evidently was struck by her beauty, she
appeared to accept the homage of his admiration as a very satisfactory
compliment. As for me, I tried to behave with the same good breeding as
the others, but it was no use!--every mouthful I ate almost choked me;
every time I attempted to be jocose, I broke down, with a lamentable
failure. Rage, shame, and indignation were all at work within me; and
even the ease and indifference displayed by the womenkind increased
my sense of humiliation. It might very probably have been far less
well-mannered and genteel; but I tell you frankly, I 'd have been better
pleased with them both if they had cried heartily, and made no secret of
their suffering. I half suspect Morris was of the same mind too; for
he could not keep his eyes off them, and evidently in profound
astonishment. But for him, indeed, I don't know how I should have got
through that morning, for Mrs. D. and her daughter were far too intent
upon fresh conquests to waste a thought on recent defeats, and it was
evident that Count Adelberg was received by them both with all the
credit due to the "real article." This threw me completely on Morris for
all counsel and guidance; and I must say he behaved admirably, making
all the arrangements for our departure with a ready promptitude that
showed old habits of discipline.
In the Count's _calèche_ there was no room for servants; but our own was
to follow with them and the baggage, and also bring up James,--all of
which details M. was to look after, as well as the care of forwarding to
me any letters that might arrive after I was gone.
It was nigh eight o'clock before we started, though breakfast was over a
little after six; and, indeed, when all was ready, horses harnessed, and
postilions in the saddle, the Count insisted on the "ladies" ascending
the great watch-tower of the castle to see the sun rise. He assured
them people came from all parts of the world for that view, which was
considered one of the finest in Europe; and in proof of his assertion
pointed to a long string of inscriptions on marble tablets in the wall.
Here it was the Kur Furst of this; and there the Landgravine of that.
Dukes, archdukes, and field-marshals figured in the catalogue, and
amidst the illustrious of foreign lands a distinguished place was
occupied by Milor Stubbs, who made the ascent on a day in the
year recorded. That Mrs. Dodd and Mary Anne are destined to a like
immortality, I have no doubt whatever.
At last we got into the carriage, but not until the Count had saluted
me on both cheeks, and embraced me tenderly in stage fashion; he kissed
Mrs. D.'s hand, and Mary Anne's also, with such a touching devotion
that, for the first time during that memorable morning, they both wiped
their eyes. The sight of Morris, however, seemed to recall them to the
sober realities of life; they shook hands with him, and away we went
at that tearing gallop which, though very little more than six miles an
hour, has all the apparent speed and the real peril of a special train.
"Where's my fur cloak? Is my muff put in? I don't see the gray shawl.
Mary Anne, what has become of the rug? I 'm certain half our things are
left behind. How could it be otherwise, seeing the absurd haste in which
we came away!" These are a few specimens of Mrs. D.'s lucubrations,
given _per saltum_ as we bumped through the deep ruts of the road, and
will explain, as well as a chapter on the subject, the train in which
her thoughts were proceeding.
Ay, Tom! for all the disgrace and ignominy of that miserable night and
morning, she had no other sentiment of sorrow than for the absurd haste
in which we came away. I had firmly determined not to recur to this
unpleasant affair, and to let it sleep amongst the archives of similar
disagreeable reminiscences, but this provocation was really too strong
for me! Were they women?--were they human beings, and could reason this
way?--were the questions that struggled for an answer within me! I tried
to repress the temptation, but I could not, and so I resolved, if I
could do no more, at least to discipline my emotions, and hold them
within certain limits. I waited till we were out of the grounds,--I
delayed till we were some miles on the high-road,--and then, with a
voice subdued to a mere whisper, and in a manner that vouched for the
most complete subjection, said,--
"Mrs. Dodd, may I be permitted to inquire--and I premise that the object
of my question is neither any personal nor a mere vulgar curiosity, but
simply to investigate what might be termed a physiological fact, namely,
whether females really feel less than the males of the human species?"
My dear Tom, the calm tone of my exordium availed me nothing. To no
end was it that I propounded the purely scientific basis of my
investigation. She flew at me at once like a tigress. The abstract
question that I had submitted for discussion she flung indignantly
to the winds, and boldly asked me if I thought "to escape that way."
"Escape "--that way! I was thunderstruck, stupefied, dumfoundered!
Did the woman want to infer--could she by any diabolical ingenuity or
perverseness imply--that I was possibly to blame for our late
calamity? You 'll not credit it; nobody could, but it is the truth,
notwithstanding. _That_ was exactly the charge she now preferred against
me. If I bad taken proper steps to investigate the "Baron's" real
pretensions,--if _I_ had made due and fitting inquiries about him,--if
_I_ had been commonly intelligent, and displayed the most ordinary
knowledge of the world,--in fact, if, instead of being a bull-headed,
blundering old Irish country gentleman, I had been a cross between a
foreign prefect and a London detective, the chances were that we had
been spared the mortification of exhibiting ourselves as endeavoring
to dupe people who were already successfully engaged in duping us! This
wasn't all, Tom, but she boldly propounded the startling declaration
that she and Mary Anne both had suspected the Baron to be an imposition
and a cheat! and although his low manners and vulgar tone imposed upon
_me_, they had always regarded him as shockingly underbred! It was
_I_, however, who had rushed into the whole misadventure,--it was _I_
concocted the entire scheme,--_I_ planned the visit,--_I_ made up the
match. My stupid cupidity, my blundering anxiety for a grand alliance,
were the causes of all the evil! The mock munificence of my settlements
was hurled at me as proof positive of the eagerness of my duplicity,
and I was overwhelmed with a mass of accusations which I verily believe
would have obtained a verdict against me at the hands of any honest and
impartial jury of my countrymen.
I have more than once had to acknowledge, that when perfectly assured
in my own conscience of my innocence, Mrs. D. has contrived to shake my
doubts about myself, and at last succeeded in making me believe that I
might have been culpable without knowing it. I suppose in these cases I
may have been morally innocent and legally guilty, but I 'll not puzzle
my head by any subtlety of explanation; enough if I own that a less
enviable predicament no man need covet!
I sat under this new allegation sad, silent, and abashed; and although
Mary Anne said but little, yet her occasional "You must admit, papa,"
"You will surely acknowledge," or "You cannot possibly forget," chimed
in, and swelled the full chorus of accusation against me. If I said
nothing, I thought the more. My reflections took this shape: Here is
another blessed fruit of our coming abroad. Such an incident never
could have befallen us at home. Why, then, should we continue to live on
exposed to similar casualties?
Why reside in a land where we cannot distinguish the man of rank from
his scullion, and where all the forms that constitute good breeding and,
maybe, good grammar, are quite beyond our appreciation? Every dilettante
scribbler for the magazines who sketches his rambles in Spain or
Switzerland, grows jocose over some eccentricity or absurdity of his
countrymen. Their blunders in language, dress, or demeanor are duly
chronicled and relied upon as subjects for a droll chapter; but let
me tell you, Tom, that the difficulties of foreign residence are very
considerable indeed, and, except to the man who issues from England with
a certain well-proved and admitted station, social or political, the
society into which he may be thrown is a downright lottery. The first
error he commits, and it is almost inevitable, is to mistake the common
forms of hat-lifting and bowing for acquaintanceship. "Bull" thinks that
the gentleman desires to know him, and obligingly condescends to
accept his overtures. The foreigner, somewhat amused to see the veriest
commonplace of politeness received as evidence of acquaintance, profits
by the admission, chats, and comes to tea. Now, Tom, whether it be cheap
soup, cheap clothing, cheap travelling, or cheap friendship, I have a
strong prejudice against them all. My notion is that the real article is
not to be had without some cost and trouble.
These were some of my ruminations as we rattled along; and although the
road was interesting, and the day a fine bracing autumnal one, my
mind was not attuned to pleasure or enjoyment We stopped to bait at
Donaueschingen, for we were obliged, by some accident or other, to take
the same horses on, and found a most comfortable little inn at the sign
of the "Sharpshooter." After dinner we took a stroll in the garden of
the palace of the mediatized Prince of Furstenberg; for, of course,
there is a palace and a mediatized prince wherever there is a town of
three thousand inhabitants throughout Germany. By the way, Napoleon
treated these people pretty much like our own Encumbered Estates Court
at home. He sold them out without any ceremony, and got rid of
the feudal privileges and the seignorial rights with a bang of the
auctioneer's hammer. Of course, as with us, there was often a great
deal of individual hardship, but these little principalities were large
evils, and half the disturbances of Europe grew out of their corrupt
administration.
There is, I often fancy, a natural instinctive kind of corruption
incidental to the dominion of a small state. They are too small and
too insignificant to attract any attention from the world without,
and within their own narrow limits there is no such thing as a public
opinion. The ruler, consequently, is free to follow the caprices of
his folly, his cruelty, or his wastefulness. He has neither to dread
a parliament nor a newspaper. If he send his small contingent--a
commander-in-chief and a drummer of great experience--to the great army
of the Confederation he belongs to, he may tax his subjects, or hang
them, to his heart's content! Now, I cannot imagine a worse state
of things than this, nor any more likely to foster that spirit of
discontent which every hour is adding to the feeling of the Continent.
While I am following this theme, I am forgetting what was uppermost a
few minutes back in my mind. In the garden of the same palace, which
belongs to a certain fount Furstenberg, there is a singularly beautiful
little spring; it bubbles up amidst flowers and grass, and overruns
the greensward in many a limpid streamlet. There is something in the
unadorned simplicity of this tiny well, rippling through the yellow
daffodils and "starry river buds," wonderfully pleasing; but what
an interest fills the mind as we hear that this is the source of the
Danube! "The mighty river that sweeps along through the rocky gorges of
Upper Austria, washes the foundations of the Imperial Vienna, and flows
on, ever swelling and widening and deepening, to the Black Sea,--that
giant stream, so romantic in its associations with the touching tale
of our own Richard,--so picturesque in its windings, so teeming with
interest to the poet, the painter, the merchant, and the politician,
there it is, a little crystal rivulet, whose destiny might well seem
limited to the flowery borders, and blossoming beds around it." This
isn't mine, Tom, though it's exactly what I would have said if the words
occurred to me, but I copy it out of the Visitors' Book, where strangers
write their names, and, so to say, leave their cards upon the infant
Danube.
Truisms are only tiresome to the hearer; they are a delightful
recreation to the man that tells them, so that I am sorely tempted to
mention some of those that suggested themselves to my mind as I stood
beside that little spring,--all the analogies that at once arose to my
fancy, between human life and the course of a mighty river, between the
turnings and twinings and aberrations of childhood, the headlong current
of youth, the mature force of manhood, and the trackless issue, at last,
into the great ocean of eternity! One lesson we may assuredly gather
from the contemplation: not to predicate from small beginnings against
the likelihood of a glorious future!
I left the place regretfully; the tranquil quietude of my two hours'
ramble through the garden restored me to a serene and peaceful frame
of mind. The little village itself, the tidy, unpretending inn, clean,
comfortable, and a model of cheapness, were all to my fancy, and I could
very well have liked to linger on there for a week or so. After all,
what a commentary is it upon all pursuits of pleasure and amusement,
to think that we really find our greatest happiness in those little,
out-of-the-way, isolated spots, remote from all the attractions and
blandishments of the gay world! I don't mean to say that Mrs. D. quite
concurred with me, for she grew very impatient at my delay, and wondered
excessively "what peculiar attraction the garden of the palace might
have possessed, to make me forget myself." But it's not so easy a thing
to do as she thinks! Forgetting oneself, Tom, implies so many other
oblivions. It means forgetting one's tenants that have been over-rented,
one's banker overdrawn, one's horses overworked, one's house out of
repair, one's estate out at elbows; forgetting the duns that torment,
the creditors that torture you,--the latitats, the writs, the mortgages,
the bonds,--all the inflictions, in fact, consequent to parchment,
signed, sealed, and delivered over to your persecuting angel! Oh dear,
oh dear! what a thirsty swig would I take of Lethe if I could! and how
happy would I be to start fresh in life without any one of the
"liabilities," as they call them, that attach to Kenny Dodd!
I remember, when I was a schoolboy, no day of the week had such terrors
for me as Saturday, because we were obliged to answer a repetition of
the whole week's work. That carrying up of the past was a load that
always destroyed me! My notion was to let bygones be bygones, and it
was downright cruelty to take me over the old ground of my former
calamities. The same prejudice has tracked me through life. I can face a
new misfortune as well as my neighbors; what kills me is going back
over the old ones. Let me tell you, too, that there is a great deal of
balderdash talked in the world about experience,--that with experience
you 'll do this, that, and t' other better. Don't believe a word of
it. You might as well tell me that having the typhus will teach a man
patience the next time he catches a fever! Take my word for it, be as
fresh as you can against the ills of life,--know as little of them as
you can,--think as little of them! Keep your constitution--whether it be
moral or physical--as intact as you are able, and rely on it you 'll not
fare the worse when it comes to the trial!
It was a fine evening, with a thin rim of a new moon in the sky, when
we got ready to leave Donaueschingen. The bill for dinner came to about
five shillings for three of us, wine included, and no charge for rooms,
so that when I gave as much more to the servants, the enthusiasm of
the household knew no bounds. The housemaid, indeed, in an excess of
enthusiasm, would kiss my hand, and got rebuked by my wife as a "forward
hussy, that ought to be well looked after." From this incident, however,
our attention was soon diverted by the arrival of our second carriage,
but without James! A note from Morris explained that he did not like to
detain the servants, lest it should prove inconvenient to us, and that
he would take care James should join us at Constance,--probably early
on the next day. This note was handed to me by the post-boy,--a
circumstance speedily accounted for, as I got out and saw that the whole
company, consisting of Betty, Augustine, the courier, Paddy Byrne, and a
fifth, unknown, were all very drunk and unable to speak, closely wedged
in the britschka! Of course it was no time to ask for any explanations,
and we came on to this place, which we reached by midnight.
As I have given you a somewhat full narrative of what befell us, I may
as well, ere I conclude, add some words of explanation of the state of
our amiable followers. Betty Cobb, it appears, was seized with connubial
symptoms while we were at the castle, and, yielding to the soft
impeachment, and not being deterred by any discovery of false rank or
pretensions, actually bestowed her hand on a distinguished swineherd
that pertained to the place. The wedding took place after we left,
the convivial festivities being continued all along the road till they
overtook us. Had the unlucky girl married a New Zealand chief, or a
Kaffir, her choice could not have fallen upon a more thoroughly savage
specimen of the human race. The fellow is a Black Forest Caliban of the
worst description. The question is now what to do with him, for Mrs. D.
will not consent to part with Betty, nor will Betty separate from her
liege lord; so that amongst my other blessings I may number that of
carrying about the world a scoundrel that would disgrace a string of
galley-slaves! Just imagine, Tom, in the rumble of a travelling-carriage
a fellow six foot and a half high, dressed in a cowhide, with an ox
gond in his hand, and a long naked knife in his girdle, speaking no
intelligible tongue, nor capable of any function save the herding of
wild animals,--the most uncultivated specimen of brute nature I ever
heard, saw, or even read of! Fancy, I say, the pleasure of "lugging"
this creature over the Continent of Europe, feeding, housing, and
clothing him, his sole claim being that he is the husband of that
precious bargain, Betty Cobb!
Why, he 'd bring shame on a beast caravan! The best of it is, too, he
holds to his "caste" like a Hindoo, and refuses all other
occupation save the charge of swine. He would not aid to unload the
carriage,--would not lift a trunk, nor carry a carpet-bag; and when
admonished by Paddy for his laziness, showed two inches of a broad knife
up his sleeve with a grin meant to imply that he knew how to resist any
assault on his dignity! That the scoundrel has no respect for law,
is clear enough; so that my hope is he will commit some terrible
infraction, and that we may be able to send him to the galleys for the
rest of his days. How I 'm to keep him and Paddy apart is more than yet
appears to me. I suppose, in the end, one of them will kill the other.
[Illustration: 536]
From what I see here, the expense of keeping this beast--at an hotel at
least--will be equal to the cost of three ordinary servants; for he has
no regular meal-times, but has food cooked for him "promiscuously," and
eats--if I 'm to credit the landlord--either a kid or a lamb _per diem_,
A bear would n't be half the expense, and a far more companionable beast
besides. It is but fair to say that Betty seems to adore him; she crams
the monster all day with stolen victuals, and appears to have no other
care in life than in watching after him.
What induces Mrs. D. to feel this sudden attachment to Betty herself,
I can't imagine. Up to this she railed at her unceasingly, and deplored
the day and the hour she took her from home. But now, when this alliance
really makes her insupportable, she won't hear of parting with her, and
submits to a degree of tyranny from this woman that is utterly
inexplicable. It's another of those feminine anomalies, Tom, that
neither you nor I, nor maybe anybody else, will ever be able to
reconcile.
You will probably wonder how, at a moment like this, smarting as I am
under the combined effects of insult and disappointment, I can turn my
attention to a matter of this trifling nature; but I confess to you that
the admission of this uncivilized element into the circle of my family
inspires me with feelings of disgust, not unmixed with terror; for what
he may do in any access of fury the infernal gods alone can say. So long
as we are here, in this remote and little-visited town, the notice he
attracts is confined to a troop of street loungers who follow him; but
I have yet to learn how we are ever to make our appearance in a regular
city in his company.
Now to another matter, Tom, and the most essential of all. What are we
to do for money? for, whether we go on or go back, we must have it. I
have n't the heart to go over the accounts; nor would it put sixpence
more in my pockets, if I was like Babbage's calculating-machine! Screw
up the tenants, and make them pay the arrears. Healey owes us at least
two hundred pounds. Try if he can't pay half. See, besides, if you
cannot find a tenant for the place, even for a year. This Exhibition in
Dublin will fill the country with strangers; and a good advertisement
of Dodsborough, with an account of the "shooting and fishing, capital
society, and two packs of hounds in the neighborhood," might take the
notice of some aspiring Cockney. From what I see in the papers, Ireland
is going to be the fashion this summer. I suppose that she is starved
down to the pitch to be "thin and genteel," and that's the reason of it.
Tell me what you think of this great display of "industrial products,"
as they call it. Are we as wonderful as the Irish papers say, or are we
really as backward as the "Times" pronounces us? My own notion is that
the whole thing proceeds on a misconception of the country and
its capabilities. These Exhibitions are essentially dependent
on manufacturing skill for their excellence. Now, we are not a
manufacturing people. We are agriculturists, and so are the Yankees; and
consequently the utmost we can do is to show off the clever inventions
and cunning products of our neighbors. Writing, as I do, confidentially
to yourself, I will own, too, that I am not one of those sanguine
admirers of these raree-shows, nor do I see in them the seeds of all
that progress that others prophesy. Looking at a wonderful mechanical
invention will no more teach me to imitate it, than going to Batty's
Circus will enable me to jump through a hoop, or ride on my head!
Amusement, pleasure, interest, there is in one as much as the other;
but as for any educational advantage, Tom, I don't believe in it. To the
scientific man these things are all familiar,--to the peasant they are
all miraculous; and though the Electric Telegraph be really a wonderful
thing, after one sees the miracles of the Church it ceases to surprise
you! At all events, give me some account of the place and the people in
your next, and write soon.
I have kept this a day back, hoping to announce James's arrival here,
but up to this there is no tidings of him. Yours, ever faithfully,
Kenny James Dodd.
P. S. I find now that this town is not in Switzerland, but in Baden,
for the police have been here to know "who we are?" and "why we have
come?"--two questions that would take longer to answer than they
suspect. How absurd these little bits of national prejudice sound, when
the symbol of nationality is only a blue post or a white one, and no
geographical limit announces a new country. Droll enough, too, they are
most importunate in their inquiries after James; as if the appearance
of his name in the passport requires that he should be forthcoming when
asked for. Ah, Tom! if the fellows that knocked old Europe about in
'48 had resolutely set their faces against these stumbling-blocks
to civilization--passports, police spies, town dues, and gate
imposts,--they 'd have won the sympathy of millions, who do not care a
rush about Universal Suffrage and the Liberty of the Press,--and, what
is more, the concessions could never have been revoked nor recalled!
To myself, individually, the system presents few annoyances; for I sit
serene behind my ignorance of all continental languages, and say to
myself, "Touch me if you dare." Maybe they half suspect the substance
of my meditations, for they show the greatest deference towards my
condition of passive resistance. The Brigadier has just bowed himself
out of the room, with what sounded like a hearty curse, but what Mary
Anne assures me was a sincere protestation of his sentiment of "high
consideration and esteem." And now to dinner.