Liège, Tuesday Morning.
My dear Bob,--A thousand pardons for not answering either of your two
last letters. It was not, believe me, that I have not felt the most
sincere interest in all that you tell me about yourself and your doings.
Far from it: I finished two bottles of Hock in honor of your Science
Premium, and I have called a short-tailed hack Bob, after you, though,
unfortunately, she happens to be a mare.
Mine has been rather a varied kind of existence since I wrote last. A
little in the draught-board style, only that the black checkers have
rather predominated! I got "hit hard" at the Brussels races, lost twelve
hundred at écarté, and had some ugly misadventures arising out of a too
liberal use of my autograph. The governor, however, has stumped up, and
though the whole affair was serious enough at one time, I fancy that we
are at length over the stiff country, and with nothing but grass fields
and light cantering laud before us.
The greatest inconvenience of the whole has been that we 've been laid
up here, "dismasted and in ordinary," for the last three weeks, during
which my mother has made a steeple-chase through the Pharmacopoeia, and
the governor finished all the Schiedam in the town. In fact, there
has been nothing very serious the matter with her; but as we left the
capital under rather unpleasant circumstances, we came in here to "blow
off our steam," and cool down to a reasonable temperature. To reduce the
budget and retrench expenditure, the choice was probably not a bad one,
since we are housed, fed, and done for on the most reasonable terms; but
the place is a perfect disgust, and there is actually nothing for a man
to do, except to poke into steam-engines and prove gun-barrels.
As for me, I never leave my room from breakfast till _table d'hôte_
hour. My French master comes at eleven and stays till four. This sounds
all very diligent and studious, and so thinks the governor, Bob. The
real state of the case is, however, different. The distinguished
officer of the Old Guard engaged to instruct me in military science and
mathematics is an old hairdresser, who combines with his functions
of barber the honorable duties of _laquais de place_ and police spy,
occasionally taking a turn at the "scholastic" whenever he is lucky
enough to find any English illiterate enough to be his dupes. The
governor heard of him from the master of the hotel, and took him
especially for his cheapness. Such is the Captain de la Bourdonaye, who
swaggers upstairs every morning with a red ribbon in his button-hole,
and a curling-iron in his pocket; for I take good care, Bob, that as
he cannot furnish the inside of my head, he shall at least decorate it
without.
I must say this is a most nefarious old rascal, and I have heard of more
villany from him than I ever knew before. He knows all the scandal and
gossip of the town, and retails it with an almost diabolical raciness.
As I have already made use of him in various ways, we are bound to each
other in the very heaviest of recognizances. He brought me yesterday a
note from Lord George, who had just arrived here, but judged better not
to see me till he had called on the governor. The Captain was once
Lord G.'s courier, and, I believe, the chief mentor of his earlier
Continental experiences.
Lord George has behaved like a trump to me. He has brought away from
Brussels all my traps, which, in the haste of my retreat, I had fancied
fallen into the hands of the enemy. The brown mare Bob, a neatish
dennet, two sets of single harness, a racing saddle, a lady's
ditto, three chests of toggery, all my pipes and canes, and a
bull-terrier,--the whole of which would have to-day been the chattels of
Lazarus, had not Lord G. made out a bill of sale of them to himself, and
got two "respectable" advocates to swear they were witnesses to it. The
fun of this is, Lazarus saw all the knavery, and Tiverton never denied
it! The most rascally transactions are dashed with such an air
of frankness and candor, that, hang me! if one can regard them
as transportable offences! I know all this would be infamous in
England,--it would n't be quite right even in Ireland, Bob,--but here we
are abroad, and the latitude warps morality just as the vicinity to the
pole affects the compass.
I have learned from Lord George that there are to be races at a place
called Spa, about twelve miles off, and that if Bob were in training we
might do a good thing among "les gentlemen riders," who certainly ride
like neither gents nor jocks. George slipped his knee-cap at a gate the
other day, and cannot ride; and how I am to get away from this for an
entire day without the governor's knowledge, is more than I can see. I
have told the Captain, however, that he must manage it somehow, or I
'll turn king's evidence and betray him; so that the case is not yet
hopeless. Bob is exactly the kind of thing to walk into these fellows.
She 's very nearly thoroughbred, but has a cock-tailed look about her,
and, with a hogged mane and a short dock, is only, to all appearance,
a clever hackney. I know well that these foreigners have got first-rate
cattle,--they buy the very best of horses, and the smartest carriages of
London; but what avails it? They can neither ride nor drive! They curb
up a thoroughbred so that he 's thrown clean out of his stride, and they
clap the saddle on his withers so that he is certain to come smash down
if he tries to cross a furrow. You can imagine what hands they have,
when I tell you that they all hold on by the head! Lord G., however, who
knows them well, says that there 's no use in bringing over a good horse
against them. They are confoundedly cautious, and what they lack in
skill they make up in cunning; and if they heard of anything that ran
second at Goodwood or Chester, they 'd "shut up" at once. It's only a
"dodge" will do, he says, and I am certain nobody knows better than he
does.
Whenever they get pluck enough for hurdle-racing, there will be some
money to be picked up abroad; but the prosperity won't last, for when
one fellow breaks his neck there will be an end of it.
I 'll not close this till I can tell you the success of our scheme for
the races. Meanwhile to your questions, which, to make short work of, I
'll answer all at once. It's all very fine to talk about studying, and
the learned professions; but how many succeed in them? Three or four
swells carry off the stakes, and the rest are nowhere! Let me tell you,
Bob, that the fellows that really do best in life never knew trade nor
profession, except you can call Tattersall's yard a lecture-room, and
short-whist a calling. There 's Collingwood 's got two hundred thousand
with his wife; Upton, he 's netted thirty on the last Derby, and stands
to win at least twelve more on the Spring Meeting. Brook--Shallow Brook,
as you used to call him at school--has been deep enough to break the
bank at Hamburg! I just wish you 'd show me one of your University dons
who could do any one of the three! If it came to a trial of wits, the
heads of houses would n't have houses over their heads. Believe me, Bob,
the poet was right,--"The proper study of mankind is man!" and if he
add thereto a little knowledge of horseflesh, there's no fear of him in
this life!
Look at the thing in another light too. The Church is only open to the
Protestants; the bar is, then, the sole profession with great rewards;
for as to the army and navy, they may do to spend money in and leave
when you 're sick of them, but nothing else. Now the bar is awful
labor,--ten or twelve hours a day for three or four years, as many more
in a special pleader's office, six years after that reporting for the
newspapers; and, perhaps, after three or four struggling terms you drop
off out of the course altogether, and are only heard of as writing a
threatening letter to Lord John Russell, or as our "own Correspondent at
Tahiti"!
As to physic, "I throw it to the dogs." It's not a gentlemanly calling!
So long as a fellow can rout you out of bed at night for a guinea, it's
all nonsense to talk about independence. Your doctor has n't even the
cabman's privilege to higgle for a trifle more. Real liberty, Bob,
consists in having no craft whatsoever. Like the free lances in the
sixteenth century, take a turn of service wherever it suits you, but
wear no man's livery. As Lord George remarks, whenever a fellow takes
to that line of life the men are all afraid, and the women all delighted
with him; he's so sure with his pistol and so lax in his principles,
nothing obstructs his progress.
This same glorious independence I am like enough to attain, since up
to this moment I am a perfect gentleman, according to Lord George's
definition; nor could I, by any means that I know of, support myself for
twenty-four hours. You would probably remark that so blank a prospect
ought to alarm me. Not a bit of it! I never felt more thoroughly
confident and at ease than now as I write these lines. George's theory
is this: Life is a round game, with some skill and a vast amount
of hazard; the majority of the players are dupes, who, some from
inattention, some from deficient ability, and others, again, from utter
indifference, are easy victims to the few shrewd and clever fellows that
never neglect a chance, and who know when to back their luck. "Do not be
too eager," says George,--"do not be over-anxious to play, but just walk
about and watch the game for a year or so, and only cut in when it suits
you. By that time you have mastered the peculiar style of every man's
play. You are up to all their weaknesses, and aware of where their
strength lies; and if you can only afford to lose a little cash yourself
at the start, and pass for a pigeon, your fortune is made!" This, of
course, is but a sorry sketch of his system; for, after all, it requires
his own dashing description, his figurative manner, and his flow of
illustration, to make the thing intelligible. He is, in reality, a
first-rate fellow, and may be what he chooses. All that I know of life I
owe to his teaching; and I own to you I was in the "lowest form" when he
began with me.
The only thing that distresses me now, is the fear that Vickars
may yield to the governor's solicitations, and give or get me
something,--some confounded official appointment that would shut me up
all day in a Government office, on mayhap one hundred and twenty per
annum, with a promised increase of ten pounds when I attain the age of
fifty. I 'd nearly as soon be in the hulks as the Home Office, and I 'm
certain that pounding oyster-shells is just as intellectual, and a far
more salubrious occupation than _précis_ writing! The dread of such a
destiny has induced me to take a rather bold step, and one which it
is possible you will not exactly approve of. I have written myself a
"private and strictly confidential" note to Vickars, to say that my
father's application to him on my behalf never had my sanction nor
approval; that I despise the Board of Trade, and hold the Customs
uncommon cheap; and that although there are some gentlemen in what they
call the diplomatic service, that all the juniors are snobs, and the
grade above them--what George calls snoozers--old red-tapery fellows,
that label their washing-bills "soap question," and send out their boots
to be new soled in an old despatch-bag.
I have added a few lines, by way of showing that my repugnance does not
proceed from any disinclination to exertion or an active life, that I am
quite ready to accept of a commission in the Guards, or any good post
in the household, where my natural advantages might be seen and
appreciated.
I have not told Lord George about this, because he is tremendously
opposed to my taking anything like office. He says it's not only "bad
style," but a positive throwing away of oneself; since, whenever they do
get a regularly clever fellow amongst them, they always keep him in some
subordinate position. "They 'll just treat you the way they did Edmund
Burke," he says; and though I'm not aware how that was, I am quite
satisfied that it was a rascally shame! Our name, too, I own to you, in
all frankness, is awfully against us. Lord George has advised me over
and over to add a syllable or two to it; so I should, perhaps, if I were
not living with the governor; but for the present I must submit.
The Captain has just dropped in to tell me that all is arranged,--I am
to have a fearful toothache, and be confined to bed for two days; and
this, with heavy blankets and nitre whey, will take at least seven
pounds off me. The governor is to be seduced into an excursion, to see
the works of Seraing. We have contrived to have his card of admission
dated for a particular day, and the hackney coachman has been bribed to
break down on the way home, and detain him several hours. Lord George is
to have a drag ready for me at the outside of Liège at eight o'clock
and I hope to figure on the course by twelve! Mary Anne alone is in the
secret. I was obliged to tell her, since without her aid I should have
had no jacket; but she has cut up a splendid green satin of my mother's,
which, with white sleeves and cap to match, will turn me out rather
smart, and national to boot. Bob is already gone, and has had her
canters for the last four mornings, so that who knows but that we shall
do something?
You describe to me the trepidation of heart you felt on going up for
honors at college,--the fits of heat and cold, the tremblings, the
sighings, the throbbings, and faintish-ness; trust me, Bob, it's all
nothing to what one experiences on the eve of a race! _Your_ contest
is conducted in secret; your success or failure is witnessed by a few;
_ours_ is an open tournament, with thousands of spectators, who are,
or who at least fancy that they are, most competent judges of the
performance; and if it be a glorious thing to come sweeping past the
grand stand amidst the vociferous cheers of a mighty host, to catch the
fitful glance of waving hats and floating handkerchiefs as you dash by,
it is a sorry affair to come hobbling along dead-lame or broke down,
three hundred yards behind, greeted only by the scoffs of the multitude
and the jokes of the greasy populace.
Which of these fortunes is to be mine you shall hear before I seal this
epistle; and now, for the present, adieu!
Friday Evening I have just an hour before the post closes to announce to
you my safe return here, though I greatly doubt if my swelled and still
trembling fingers will make me legible. We started at cock-crow, and
reached Spa for an early breakfast, having "tooled along" with a spicy
tandem the thirteen miles in an hour. Before eight o'clock I had taken
a hot bath, and reduced my weight nine pounds, having taken seven rounds
of the race-course in a heavy fur pelisse of Lord George's. Twenty
minutes more toiling, and some hot lemonade, completed my training, and
left me by twelve o'clock somewhat groggy in gait and white about the
gills, and, as George said, very much like a chicken boiled down for
broth!
Our game was not to bet on the general race, but to look on as mere
spectators and see what could be done in a private match. This was not
so easy, since these Belgian fellows were so intent on the "Liège St.
Léger" and the "Spa Derby," and twenty other travesties of the like
kind, that they would not listen to anything but what sounded at least
like English sport. We had therefore to wait with all due patience
for their tiresome races,--"native horses and native jockeys," as the
printed programme very needlessly informed us. "Flemish mares and fat
riders" would have been the suitable description.
I had almost despaired of doing anything, when near five o'clock George
came up to say that he had made a match for a hundred Naps, a side,--Bob
against Bronchitis, twice round the course,--I to ride my own horse,
and Count Amédée de Kaerters the other, he giving me twelve pounds and
a distance. Not too much odds, I assure you, since Bronchitis is out of
Harpsichord by a Bay Middleton mare.
Before I had reached the stand, George had made a very pretty book,
taking five, and even seven to two, against Bob, and an even fifty
on her being distanced. Still I was far from comfortable when I saw
Bronchitis; a splendid-looking horse, with a great slapping stride,
light about the head, and strong in the quarters; just the kind of horse
that wants no riding whatever, only to be let do his own work his own
way.
"The mare can't gallop with that horse, George!" said I, in a whisper.
"She 'll never see him after the first time round!"
"I'm half afraid of that," said he, in the same low voice. "They told me
he wasn't all right, but he's in top condition. We must see what's to
be done." He smoked his cigar quite coolly for a minute or two, and then
said, "Ah, here comes the Count! I have it, 'Jim!'"--he always calls me
"Jim,"--"just mind me, and it will all come right."
I was by no means convinced that everything was so safe, however; and
had I been possessed of the fifty Naps. required, I should gladly have
paid the forfeit. Fortunately, as it turned out, I had n't so much
money; so into the scale I went, my heart being the heaviest spot about
me!
"Eleven two," said George; "we 'll say eleven."
The Count weighed eleven stone four, which, with his added weight,
brought him to upwards of twelve stone.
"It's exactly as I suspected," whispered George to me. "The Belgian has
weighed himself as if he was a gold guinea. He has been so anxious not
to give you an ounce too much, that he has outwitted himself. All that
you 've to do, Jim, is, ride at him every now and then; tease and worry
the fellow wherever you can, and try if you can't take some of that
loose flesh off him before it's over."
I saw the scheme at once, Bob. I had nothing whatever to do but to save
my distance to win the race; for it was clearly impossible that the
Count could go twice round a mile course, and come in as heavy as he
started.
I must be brief, for my minutes are few. Would that you could have seen
us going round!--I lying always on his quarter, making a rush whenever
I got a bit of ugly ground, and, though barely able to keep up with him,
just being near enough to worry him. He wasn't much of a rider, it is
true, but he knew quite enough to see that he could run away from me
whenever he liked; and so he did when he came to the last turn near
home. Off he went at speed, pitching the mud behind him, and making my
smart jacket something like a dirty draught-board. It was only by dint
of incessant spurring and tremendous punishment that I was able to get
inside the distance-post just as the cheering in front announced to me
that he had passed the grand stand.
_My_ canter in--for I was so dead-beat it was only a canter--was
greeted with a universal yell of derision. To have a laugh against the
Englishman on a race-course was a national triumph of no mean order. "It
was a 'set-off' against Waterloo," George said.
In I came, splashed, splattered, and scorned, but not crestfallen, Bob,
for one glance at my victorious rival satisfied me that all was safe.
The Count was so completely fagged that he could scarcely get down from
his horse, and when he did so, he staggered like a drunken man.
"Come now, Count, into the scale!" cried Lord George; "show your weight,
and let us pay our money!"
"I have weighed already," said the other. "I weighed before the start."
"Very true," rejoined George, "but let us see that you are the same
weight still."
It required considerable explanation and argument to show the justice of
this proposition, nor was it till a jury of English jocks decided in its
favor that the Belgians were convinced.
At last he did consent to get into the scale, and to the utter
wonderment of all but the few English present, it was discovered that he
had lost something like six pounds, and consequently lost the race.
It was capital fun to see the consternation of the Belgians at the
announcement. They had been betting with such perfect certainty; they
had been giving any odds to tempt a wager; and there they were!--"in,"
as George said, "for a whole pot of money."
While they were counting down the cash, too, George kept assuring them
that the lesson they had just received was "cheap as dirt;" "that it
ought by right to have cost them thousands instead of hundreds, but that
we preferred doing the thing in an amicable way." At such times, I
must say, George is perfect. He is so cool, so courteous; so apparently
serious, too, that even his sharpest cuts seem like civil speeches and
kindly counsel. I never admired him more than when, having bought a
courier's leather-bag to stuff the gold in, he slung it round his neck,
and, taking leave of the party with a polite bow, said,--
"There are times, gentlemen, when one goes all the lighter for a little
additional weight!"
I scarcely remember how we reached Liège. It was almost one roar of
laughter between us the whole road! And then such plans and schemes for
the future!
Luck stood by me to the last. I reached home before the governor, and in
time to resume my bandages and my toothache. Mary Anne had taken care to
have a very tidy bit of dinner ready; and now, while I sip my Bordeaux,
I dedicate to you the last moments of my long and eventful day.
I do not ask of you to write to me till you hear again, for there is no
guessing where I may be this day fortnight. Vickars may possibly respond
to my request; or I may find some complaisant doctor to order me to a
distant watering-place, in which case I may get free of the Dodd family,
who, I own to you, Bob, are a serious drawback on the progress and
advancement of your
Attached, but now wide-awake friend,
James Dodd.
Dodd père has just come home with a sprained ankle. The scoundrel of
a coachee overdid his instructions, and upset the "conveniency" into a
lime-kiln. I suppose I'll have to pay two or three Naps, additional for
the damage.
One good result, however, has followed: the governor is in such a rage
that he has determined to leave this tomorrow.