Not those, along the route prescribed
To see them in a hurry,
Church, palace, gallery, described
By worthy Mr. Murray.
Nor those detailed as well by whom
But Baedeker, the German;
The choir, the nave, the font, the tomb,
The pulpit for the sermon.
No tourist traps which tire you out,
A never-ending worry;
Most interesting things, no doubt,
Described by Mr. Murray.
Nor yet, O gastronomic mind--
In cookery a boss, sage
In recipes--you will not find,
I mean Bologna sausage.
Not beauties, which, perhaps, you class
With your own special curry;
Not beauties, which we must not pass
If led by Mr. Murray.
I sing--alas, how very ill!--
Those beauties of the city,
The praise of whose dark eyes might fill
A much more worthy ditty.
O, Ladies of Bologna, who
The coldest heart might flurry,
I much prefer to study you
Than Baedeker or Murray.
Those guide-book sights no longer please;
Three hours still, _tre ore_,
I have to lounge and look at these
_Bellissime signore_.
Then slow express--South Western goes
Much faster into Surrey--
Will take me off to other shows
Described by Mr. Murray.
But still, _Signore_, there will be,
By your sweet faces smitten,
One Englishman who came to see
What Baedeker has written.
Let Baedeker then see the lot
In frantic hurry-scurry.
I've found some beauties which are not
Described by Mr. Murray.
* * *
OVERHEARD AT CHAMONIX.--_Stout British Matron_ (_in a broad British
accent, to a slim diligence driver_). Êtes-vous la diligence?
_Driver._ Non, madame, mais j'en suis le cocher.
_Matron_ (_with conviction_). C'est la même chose; gardez pour moi
trois places dans votre intérieur demain.
[Illustration: UN BON MAUVAIS QUART D'HEURE
(Waiting for one's bathing tent at the Dieppe casino)]
[Illustration: "IN SUNNY NORMANDY"
_First Tourist._ "I say, old chap, it smells pretty bad about here;
it's the river, I suppose?"
_Second Tourist._ "Yes--Seine _Inférieure_."]
[Illustration: POP! POP!
(SCENE--_Restaurant in Switzerland_)
_Tourist_ (_to manager, who knows English_). "There are two bottles of
wine in our bill. We had only one bottle."
_Manager._ "Ach, he is a new waiter, and zee confounded echo of zee
mountain must have deceived zee garçon."]
[Illustration: SUCCESSFUL SANITATION
_Anxious Tourist._ "Since your town has been newly drained, I suppose
there is less fever here?"
_Hotel-Keeper_ (_reassuringly_). "Ach, yes, sir! Ze teefoose (typhus)
is now quite _ze exception!_"]
[Illustration: A CONTINENTAL TRIP
_First Man_ (_tasting beer_). "Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn't
lager!"
_Second Man_ (_tasting_). "No; but it's jolly good, all the same!"
_Third Man_ (_tasting_). "C'est magnifique! mais ce n'est pas
lager-r-r!"]