"It was doorin' September," he said; lasted two hours. Sergeant Duffin
started it.
"'E was out on a patrol one night, and suddenly 'e comes rashin' back
over the parapet and goes chargin' down to the Major's dug-out with a
face like this 'ere sheet.
"'They'me comin',' ses Bints 'oo was next to me, and we were just goin'
to loose off a round or two, when we 'eard ole Duffy 'ollerin' in the
Major's bunk.
"'Barbed wire's gone, Sir,' 'e ses.
"'Wot?' ses the Major.
"''Ave to report the wire's gone,' ses Duffy again.
"'Tell Lootenant Bann,' drawls the ole man, as if someone 'ad told
'im tea was ready.
"When Bann 'ears the noos, 'e fires a light up.
"'Can't see none,' 'e mutters, quite annoyed, and off 'e goes over the
top to find out for sure. In 'alf-an-hour 'e was back again.
"'The blighters 'ave pinched our wire,' 'e ses to the Major. 'They've
drawed across them chevoo-der-freezes I put out, and stuck them on their
own dirty scrap-'eap.'
"'Fetch 'em back,' says the Major, very off-'and like.
"'Right-O,' says Bann. 'Right-O.' For 'e'd spent three solid hours
puttin' the wire out.
"'Fetch a pick an' some rope,' 'e ses to Duffy. 'I'm goin' to 'arpoon
our wire.' Then he ties the rope to the 'andle of the pick and trots
off over the parapet.
"After a bit we 'ears the pick land amongst the barbed wire with a rattle
like a bike smash, an' the next minit back comes young Bann, sprintin'
like a 'are an' uncoilin' the rope on the way.
"'Now then,' he shouts, jumpin' into the trench, 'man the rope!' an' we
lines up ready down the communication trench. ''Aul away,' 'e 'ollers,
an' back we goes, pullin' like transport-mules.
"It give a few inches to start with, an' then a foot or two, an' then,
just when the wire must 'ave been 'alf-way 'ome it suddenly stuck fast.
"'Must 'ave caught on summat,' ses Bann, an' sets off with 'is
wire-cutters to clear it.
"''Eave,' grunts ole Jones at the end of the rope. ''Eave-o, my
'earties,' an' then 'e knocks up against the ration-party comin'
'ome down the communication trench. ''Ang on, mates,' 'e shouts to
them, an' down goes the bully bif, an' the next minit a loud rip an'
some bad language told us 'is coat couldn't stand it.
"We got some more chaps at it then, but the rope never budged an inch.
"Then Bann comes runnin' back again, very excited-lookin'. 'Look out!'
he shouts; 'the Bosches 'ave got a rope 'itched on, too.'
"Sure enough, the next minit the Germans puts their weight on, and pulls
'alf of us right over the bloomin' parapet.
"The Major comes along then, and when 'e sees the state of things 'e
looks quite solemn, for there was only Lootenant Bann and ole Jones
left in the trench.
"Where's the team?' 'e snaps, as severe as if you'd come on parade
without your rifle.
"'Fall in, tug-o-war team,' sings out Duffy, and our eight, 'oo 'ad been
lookin' on rather superior like, moistens their 'ands and stands to.
"'This is your work,' ses the Major to them, very significant.
"'Take the strain,' 'ollers Duffy, and the evenin' doo fair streamed
out of the rope when they put their weight on. Back goes our team, two
foot at least, whilst the lads cheers and yells as if we was winnin'
the divisional prize on Salisbury Plain again.
"By this time the Bosches was just as excited as we were. They was
rushin' about in the open with our men, 'owling their lingo and firin'
off their rifles for encouragement. I stopped a shot somebody 'ad aimed
at the sky for joy.
"When old Binks and the German chap 'oo 'ad done it was carryin' me
back to our trench, I saw the Major come rushin' past.
"'Go it, men,' 'e sings out to our chaps, and then off 'e sprints again,
to finish a bet he was makin' with the German officer.
"For an hour and a 'alf the excitement was awful. Up and down went that
wire until the place looked like a ploughed field. First we gained an
inch, then Germany 'ad a couple, then England gets one back, and up goes
our caps again. Everybody was rushin' about yellin', and ole Binks,
'oo knows a bit of German, made a nice bit of money at interpretin'.
"Then things suddenly got worse. Our eight 'ung on like 'eroes,
everyone swearin' 'e wouldn't loose that rope if 'e was pulled into the
KAYSER's bloomin' bedroom; but sure enough the Huns was slowly winnin'.
Inch by inch we saw our chaps give way, black in the face at the notion of
bein' beat. The Bosches yelled like 'eathens, and was shakin' hands with
everybody. Then all of a sudden young Bann comes rushin' up to the Major,
'oo was takin' four to one with a chap from Coburg.
"'Stop, Sir!' I 'ears 'im shout. 'Stop the contest! The dirty blighters
are usin' a _windlass_.'
"'Wot?' 'owls the Major, goin' purple at the thought of international
laws bein' disregarded like that.
"'Take the men off the rope,' 'e orders. 'We hunderstood we was pullin'
with gentlemen,' 'e ses very dignified, and then thinkin', no doubt,
of the four to one in dollars 'e 'd 'ave won if they'd played fair 'e
orders us to stand to and give them ten rounds rapid; and 'e used such
language on the telephone that the Artillery thought we was attacked,
and loosed off every shell they could lay hands on. So the War started
again, you see.
He touched his head and thought a minute. "That was Grass Valley
Armistice," he said finally, and relapsed into silence.
* * * * *
[Illustration: WAR ECONOMY.
_Street Hawker (to chatty old lady)._ "YES, MUM, I'M BEING BADLY 'IT. YER
SEE, ALL MY BISNESS COMES UNDER THE 'EAD OF LUXURIES."]
* * * * *
"In Prize Court Attorney-General read affidavit showing there
were gangs in Germany, America and other neutral countries
engaged in evading our blockade."
_Liverpool Echo._
It will take more than an affidavit to convince us that Germany is
a neutral.
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR ADOPTED ALIENS.
_He._ "THAT'S MANNHEIM--CHAP I WAS SPEAKING ABOUT."
_She._ "MADE IN GERMANY, I SUPPOSE?"
_He._ "NO. MADE IN ENGLAND--ONLY BORN IN GERMANY."]
* * * * *