Though thy gloves thou tiest,_Tobogganing on Parnassus

Juliet Sutherland, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading

Team.

TOBOGGANING ON PARNASSUS

By FRANKLIN P. ADAMS

BERT LESTON TAYLOR

GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, BUT FRIEND

_If that these vagrant verses make

One heart more glad; if they but bring

A single smile, for that One's sake

I should be satisfied to sing.

As Locker said, in phrasing fitter,

Pleased if but One should like the twitter.

If I have eased one heart of pain;

If I have made one throb or thrill;

My labour has not been in vain.

My work has not been all for nil,

If only One, from Maine to Kansas,

Shall say "I like his simple stanzas."

If but a solitary voice

Should say "These verses polyglot

Are not so bad," I should rejoice;

But oh, my publishers would not!

* * * * *

And I, though shy and unanointed,

Should be a little disappointed._

CONTENTS

Us Poets

Rubber-Stamp Humour

The Simple Stuff

"Carpe Diem" or Cop The Day

That for Money!

Xanthias Jollied

Horace the Wise

Jealousy

To Be Quite Frank

R. S. V. P.

Advice

When Horace "Came Back"

Nix on the Fluffy Stuff

Catullus, Considerable Kisser

V. Catullus Explains

The Rich Man

To-night

Those Two Boys

Help! The Passionate Householder to His Love

The Servants

Our Dum'd Animals

A Soft Susurrus

A Summer Summary

A Quatrain

To a Light Housekeeper

How?

Ballade of the Breakfast Table

Ornithology

To Alice-Sit-By-the-Hour

To Alice-Sit-By-the-Hour (Second Idyl)

Notions

My Ladye's Eyen

To a Lady

"A Perfect Woman Nobly Planned"

An Ultimatum to Myrtilla

Love Gustatory

She Is Not Fair

To Myrtilla, Again

Myrtilla's Third Degree

To Myrtilla Complaining

Christmas Cards - To the Grocery Boy

To the Janitor

To the Waiter

To the Apartment House Telephone Girl

To the Barber

To the Hall and Elevator Boy

Ballade of a Hardy Annual

A Plea

Footlight Motifs--Mrs. Fiske

Footlight Motifs--Olga Nethersole

Ballade of the Average Reader

Poesy's Guerdon

Signal Service

Sporadic Fiction

Popular Ballad; "Never Forget Your Parents"

Ballade to a Lady (To Annabelle)

To a Thesaurus

The Ancient Lays

Erring in Company

The Limit

Chorus for Mixed Voices

The Translated Way

"And Yet It Is a Gentle Art."

Occasionally

Jim and Bill

When Nobody Listens

Office Mottoes

Metaphysics

Heads and Tails

An Election Night Pantoum

I Can Not Pay That Premium

Three Authors

To Quotation

Melodrama

A Poor Excuse, but Our Own

Monotonous Variety

The Amateur Botanist

A Word for It

The Poem Speaks

Bedbooks

A New York Child's Garden of Verses

Downward, Come Downward

Speaking of Hunting

The Flat Hunter's Way

Birds and Bards

A Wish--An Apartmental Ditty

The Monument of Q. H. F.

Us Poets

Wordsworth wrote some tawdry stuff;

Much of Moore I have forgotten;

Parts of Tennyson are guff;

Bits of Byron, too, are rotten.

All of Browning isn't great;

There are slipshod lines in Shelley;

Every one knows Homer's fate;

Some of Keats is vermicelli.

Sometimes Shakespeare hit the slide,

Not to mention Pope or Milton;

Some of Southey's stuff is snide.

Some of Spenser's simply Stilton.

When one has to boil the pot,

One can't always watch the kittle.

You may credit it or not--

Now and then _I_ slump a little!

Rubber-Stamp Humour

If couples mated but for love;

If women all were perfect cooks;

If Hoosier authors wrote no books;

If horses always won;

If people in the flat above

Were silent as the very grave;

If foreign counts were prone to save;

If tailors did not dun--

If automobiles always ran

As advertised in catalogues;

If tramps were not afraid of dogs;

If servants never left;

If comic songs would always scan;

If Alfred Austin were sublime;

If poetry would always rhyme;

If authors all were deft--

If office boys were not all cranks

On base-ball; if the selling price

Of meat and coal and eggs and ice

Would stop its mad increase;

If women started saying "Thanks"

When men gave up their seats in cars;

If there were none but good cigars,

And better yet police--

If there were no such thing as booze;

If wifey's mother never came

To visit; if a foot-ball game

Were mild and harmless sport;

If all the Presidential news

Were colourless; if there were men

At every mountain, sea-side, glen,

River and lake resort--

If every girl were fair of face;

If women did not fear to get

Their suits for so-called bathing wet--

If all these things were true,

This earth would be a pleasant place.

But where would people get their laughs?

And whence would spring the paragraphs?

And what would jokers do?

The Simple Stuff

AD PUERUM

Horace: Book I, Ode 32.

"_Persicos odi, puer, apparatus_."

Nix on the Persian pretence!

Myrtle for Quintus H. Flaccus!

Wreaths of the linden tree, hence!

Nix on the Persian pretence!

Waiter, here's seventy cents--

Come, let me celebrate Bacchus!

Nix on the Persian pretence!

Myrtle for Quintus H. Flaccus.

"Carpe Diem," or Cop the Day

AD LEUCONOEN

Horace: Book I, Ode 13.

_"Tu ne quoesieris, scire nefas--"_

It is not right for you to know, so do not ask,

Leuconoe,

How long a life the gods may give or ever we

are gone away;

Try not to read the Final Page, the ending

colophonian,

Trust not the gypsy's tea-leaves, nor the

prophets Babylonian.

Better to have what is to come enshrouded

in obscurity

Than to be certain of the sort and length of

our futurity.

Why, even as I monologue on wisdom and

longevity

How Time has flown! Spear some of it!

The longest life is brevity.

That For Money!

AD C. SALLUSTIUM CRISPUM

Horace: Book II, Ode 2

_"Nellus argento color est avaris."_

Sallust, I know you of old,

How you hate the sight of gold--

"Idle ingots that encumber

Mother Earth"--I've got your number.

Why is Proculeius known

From Elmira to Malone?

For his money? Don't upset me!

For his love of folks--you get me?

Choke the Rockefeller yen

For the clink of iron men!

Happiness it will not mint us,

Take it from your Uncle Quintus.

Fancy food and wealthy drink

Raise Gehenna with a gink;

Pastry, terrapin, and cheeses

Bring on gout and swell diseases.

Phraates upon the throne

Old King Cyrus used to own

Fails to hoodwink or deceive me,

Cyrus was some king, believe me!

Get me right: a man's-size prince

Knows that money is a quince.

When they see the Yellow Taffy,

Reg'lar Princes don't go daffy.

Xanthias Jollied

AD XANTHIAM PHOCEUM

Horace: Book II, Ode 4.

_"Ne sit ancillae tibi amor pudori."_

Nay, Xanthias, feel unashamed

That she you love is but a servant.

Remember, lovers far more famed

Were just as fervent.

Achilles loved the pretty slave

Briseis for her fair complexion;

And to Tecmessa Ajax gave

His young affection.

Why, Agamemnon at the height

Of feasting, triumph, and anointment,

Left everything to keep, one night,

A small appointment.

And are you sure the girl you love--

This maid on whom you have your heart set

Is lowly--that she is not of

The Roman smart set?

A maiden modest as is she,

So full of sweetness and forbearance,

Must be all right; her folks must be

Delightful parents.

Her arms and face I can commend,

And, as the writer of a poem,

I fain would compliment, old friend,

The limbs below 'em.

Nay, be not jealous. Stop your fears.

My tendencies are far from sporty.

Besides, the number of my years

Is over forty.

Horace the Wise

AD PYRRHAM

Horace: Book I, Ode 5.

_"Quis multa gracilis te puer in rosa"_

What lady-like youth in his wild aberrations

Is putting cologne on his brow?

For whom are the puffs and the blond transformations?

I wonder who's kissing you now.

[Footnote: Paraphraser's note: Horace beat the modern song

writers to this. The translation is literal

enough--"Quis...gracilis te puer...urget?".]

Tee hee! I must laugh when I think of his finish,

Not wise to your ways and your rep.

Ha! ha! how his fancy for you will diminish!

I know, for I'm Jonathan Hep.

Jealousy

AD LYDIAM

Horace: Book I., Ode 13.

_"Quem tu, Lydia, Telephi

Cervicem roseam, cerea Telephi--"_

What time thou yearnest for the arms

Of Telephus, I fain would twist 'em;

When thou dost praise his other charms

It just upsets my well-known system;

My brain is like a three-ring circus,

In short, it gets my _capra hircus_.

My reason reels, my cheeks grow pale,

My heart becomes unduly spiteful,

My verses in the _Evening Mail_

Are far from snappy and delightful.

I put a civil question, Lyddy:

Is that a way to treat one's stiddy?

What mean those marks upon thee, girl?

Those prints of brutal osculation?

Great grief! that lowlife and that churl!

That Telephus abomination!

Can him, O votary of Venus,

Else everything is off between us.

O triply beatific those

Whose state is classified as married,

Untroubled by the green-eyed woes,

By such upheavals never harried.

Ay, three times happy are the wed ones,

Who cleave together till they're dead ones.

To Be Quite Frank

IN CHLORIN

Horace: Book III, Ode 15.

"_Uxor pauperis Ibyci_--"

Your conduct, naughty Chloris, is

Not just exactly Horace's

Ideal of a lady

At the shady

Time of life;

You mustn't throw your soul away

On foolishness, like Pholoe--

Her days are folly-laden--

She's a maiden,

You're a wife.

Your daughter, with propriety,

May look for male society,

Do one thing and another

In which mother

Shouldn't mix;

But revels Bacchanalian

Are--or should be--quite alien

To you a married person,

Something worse'n

Forty-six!

Yes, Chloris, you cut up too much,

You love the dance and cup too much,

Your years are quickly flitting--

To your knitting,

Right about!

Forget the incidental things

That keep you from parental things--

The World, the Flesh, the Devil,

On the level,

Cut 'em out!

R.S.V.P.

AD PHYLLIDEM

Horace: Book IV Ode II

"_Est mihi nonum superantis annum_"

Phyllis, I've a keg of fine fermented grape juice,

Alban wine that's been nine years in the cellar.

Ivy chaplets? Sure. Also, in the garden,

Plenty of parsley.

See my little shack--why, you'd hardly know it.

All the rooms are swept, Sunday-like and shiny;

Flowers all around, altar simply famished--

Hungry for lamb stew.

Neighbours all are coming over to the party,

All the busy boys, all the giggling girlies,

Whiffs of certain things wafted from the kitchen--

Simply delicious.

Oh, of course. You ask why the fancy fireworks,

Why the awning out, why the stylish doings.

Well, I'll tell you why. It's Maecenas' birthday

13th of April.

Telephus? Oh, tush! Pass him up completely!

Telly's such a swell; Telly doesn't love you;

Telly is a trifler; Telly's running round with

Some other fairy.

Phyllie, don't mismate; those that do regret it.

Phaeton--you know his unhappy story;

Poor Bellerophon, too, you must remember,

Pegasus shook him.

If these few remarks, rather aptly chosen,

Make a hit with you, come, don't make me jealous.

Let me sing you songs of my own composing,

Oh, come on over!

Advice

AD ARIUSTUM FUSCUM

Horace: Book I, Ode 22.

"_Integer vitae sclerisque purus_"--

_Take it from me: A guy who's square,

His chances always are the best.

I'm in the know, for I've been there,

And that's no ancient Roman jest._

What time he hits the hay to rest

There's nothing on his mind but hair,

No javelin upon his chest--

_Take it from me, a guy who's square._

There's nothing that can throw a scare

Into the contents of his vest;

His name is Eva I-Don't-Care;

_His chances always are the best._

Why, once, when I was way out West,

Singing to Lalage, a bear

Came up, and I was some distressed--

_I'm in the know, for I've been there._

But back he went into his lair,

(Cage, corner, den, retreat, nook, nest),

And left me to "The Maiden's Prayer"--

_And that's no ancient Roman jest._

In Newtonville or Cedar Crest,

In Cincinnati or Eau Claire,

I'll warble till I am a pest,

"My Lalage"--no matter where--

_Take it from me!_

Fuscus, my friend, take it from me--

I know the world and what it's made of--

One on the square has naught to be

Afraid of.

The Moorish bows and javelins? Nope.

Such deadly things need not alarm him.

Why, even arrows dipped in dope

Can't harm him!

He's safe in any clime or land,

Desert or river, hill or valley;

Safe in all places on the Rand-

McNally.

Why, one day in my Sabine grot,

I sang for Lalage to hear me;

A wolf came in and he did not

Come near me!

Ah, set me on the sunless plain,

In China, Norway, or Matanzas,

Ay, place me anywhere from Maine

To Kansas.

Still of my Lalage I'll sing,

Where'er the Fates may chance to drop me;

And nobody nor anything

Shall stop me.

When Horace "Came Back"

CARMEN AMOEBAEUM

Horace: Book III, Ode 9.

"Donec gratus eram tibi--"

HORACE

When I was your stiddy, my loveliest Lyddy,

And you my embraceable she,

In joys and diversions, the king of the Persians

Had nothing on me.

LYDIA

When I was the person you penned all that verse on,

Ere Chloe had caused you to sigh,

Not she whose cognomen is Ilia the Roman

Was happier than I.

HORACE

Ah, Chloe the Thracian--whose sweet modulation

Of voice as she lilts to the lyre

Is sweeter and fairer? Would but the Fates spare her

I'd love to expire.

LYDIA

Tush! Calais claims me and wholly inflames me,

He pesters me never with rhymes;

If they should spare Cally, I'd perish to_tal_ly

A couple of times.

HORACE

Suppose my affection in Lyddy's direction

Returned; that I gave the good-by

To Chloe the golden, and back to the olden?--

I pause for reply.

LYDIA

Cheer up, mine ensnarer! Be Calais fairer

Than stars, be you blustery and base,

I'll love you, adore you; in brief, I am for you

All over the place.

HORACE

What time I was your one best bet

And no one passed the wire before me,

Dear Lyddy, I cannot forget

How you would--yes, you would--adore me.

To others you would tie the can;

You thought of me with no aversion.

In those days I was happier than

A Persian.

LYDIA

Correct. As long as you were not

So nuts about this Chloe person,

Your flame for me burned pretty hot--

Mine was the door you pinned your verse on.

Your favourite name began with L,

While I thought you surpassed by no man--

Gladder than Ilia, the well-

Known Roman.

HORACE

On Chloe? Yes, I've got a case;

Her voice is such a sweet soprano;

Her people come from Northern Thrace;

You ought to hear her play piano.

If she would like my suicide--

If she'd want me a dead and dumb thing,

Me for a glass of cyanide,

Or something.

LYDIA

Now Calais, the handsome son

Of old Ornitus, has _me_ going;

He says I am his honey bun,

He's mine, however winds are blowing;

I think that he is awful nice,

And, if the gods the signal gave him,

I'd just as lieve die once or twice

To save him.

HORACE

Suppose I'm gone on you again,

Suppose I've got ingrown affection

For you; I sort of wonder, then,

If you'd have any great objection.

Suppose I pass this Chloe up

And say:"Go roll your hoop, I'm rid o' ye!"

Would that drop sweetness in your cup?

Eh, Lydia?

LYDIA

Why, say--though he's fair as a star,

And you are like a cork, erratic

And light--and though I know you are

As blustery as the Adriatic,

I think I'd rather live with you

Or die with you, I swear to gracious.

So I will be your Mrs. Q.

Horatius.

Nix On the Fluffy Stuff

AD CYNTHIAM

Propertius: Book I, Elegy 2.

_"Quid iuvat ornato procedere, vita, capillo

Et tenues Coa veste movere sinus?"_

Why, my love, the yellow trinkets

In your tresses' purer gold?

Why the Syrian perfume? Think it's

Nice to be thus aureoled?

Why the silken robes that rustle?

Why the pigment on the map?

Think you all that fume and fuss'll

Ever charm a chap?

Mother Earth is unaffected--

Is her beauty therefore less?

Is she gray or ill-complected?

I should call her some success.

Soft the murmur of the river,

Bright the shore that lines the sea--

Is the universe a flivver?

No, take it from me.

Castor loved the lady Phoebe

For no bought or borrowed wile;

Hillaira--wasn't she be-

Loved without excessive style?

Hippodamia slaved no fashions--

All that braver, elder time

Is replete with simple passions

Difficult to rhyme.

Nay, my Cynthia, sweet and smile-ish,

Take it from your own Propert,

Don't essay to be so stylish,

Don't attempt the harem skirt.

I am ever Yours Sincerely,

Past the shadow of a doubt,

Yours Forever, if you'll merely

Cut the frivol out.

Catullus, Considerable Kisser

(A Pasteurization of Ode VII.)

How many kisses, Lesbia, miss, you ask would

be enough for me?

I cannot sum the total number; nay, that were

too tough for me.

The sands that o'er Cyrene's shore lie sweetly

odoriferous,

The stars that sprent the firmament when

overly stelliferous--

Come, Lezzy, please add all of these, until the

whole amount of 'em

Will sorely vex the rubbernecks attempting

to keep count of 'em.

V. Catullus Explains

ODE LXXXV: AD LESBIAM

Hark thou, my Lesbia, there be none existent

Can truly say she hath been loved by me

As thou hast been. No faith is more consistent

Than that which V. Catullus gives to thee.

How reasonless the state of an emotion!

For wert thou faultless, perfect, and sublime,

I could not like thee; nor would my devotion

And love be less wert thou the Queen of Crime.

The Rich Man

The rich man has his motor-car,

His country and his town estate.

He smokes a fifty-cent cigar

And jeers at Fate.

He frivols through the livelong day,

He knows not Poverty her pinch.

His lot seems light, his heart seems gay,

He has a cinch.

Yet though my lamp burns low and dim,

Though I must slave for livelihood--

Think you that I would change with him?

You bet I would!

To-night

Love me to-night! Fold your dear arms around me--

Hurt me--I do but glory in your might!

Tho' your fierce strength absorb, engulf, and drown me,

Love me to-night!

The world's wild stress sounds less than our own heart-beat

Its puny nothingness sinks out of sight.

Just you and I and Love alone are left, sweet--

Love me to-night!

Love me to-night! I care not for to-morrow--

Look in my eyes, aglow with Love's own light:

Full soon enough will come daylight, and sorrow--

Love me to-night!

--BEATRICE M. BARRY, in the _Banquet Table_.

We can't to-night! We're overworked and busy;

We've got a lot of paragraphs to write;

Although your invitation drives us dizzy,

We can't to-night!

But, Trixie, we admit we're greatly smit with

The heart you picture--incandescent, white.

We must confess that you have made a hit with

Us here to-night.

O Beatrice! O Tempora! O Heaven!

List to our lyre the while the strings we smite;

Where shall you be at--well, say half-past seven

To-morrow night?

Those Two Boys

When Bill was a lad he was terribly bad.

He worried his parents a lot;

He'd lie and he'd swear and pull little girls' hair;

His boyhood was naught but a blot.

At play and in school he would fracture each rule--

In mischief from autumn to spring;

And the villagers knew when to manhood he grew

He would never amount to a thing.

When Jim was a child he was not very wild;

He was known as a good little boy;

He was honest and bright and the teacher's delight--

To his mother and father a joy.

All the neighbours were sure that his virtue'd endure,

That his life would be free of a spot;

They were certain that Jim had a great head on him

And that Jim would amount to a lot.

And Jim grew to manhood and honour and fame

And bears a good name;

While Bill is shut up in a dark prison cell--

You never can tell.

Help

The Passionate Householder to his Love

Come, live with us and be our cook,

And we will all the whimsies brook

That German, Irish, Swede, and Slav

And all the dear domestics have.

And you shall sit upon the stoop

What time we go and cook the soup,

And you shall hear, both night and day,

Melodious pianolas play.

And we will make the beds, of course,

You'll have two autos and a horse,

A lady to Marcel your tresses,

And all the madame's half-worn dresses.

Your gowns shall be of lace and silk,

Your laving shall be done in milk.

Two trained physicians when you cough,

And Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays off.

When you are mashing Irish spuds

You'll wear the very finest duds.

If good to you these prospects look,

Come, live with us and be our cook.

On callers we have put no stops,

We love the iceman and the cops,

And no alarm clock with its ticks

And bell to ring at half-past six.

O Gretchen, Bridget, Hulda, Mary,

Come, be our genius culinary.

If good to you these prospects look,

Come, live with us and be our cook.

The Servants

With genuflexions to Kipling's _"The Ladies"_

We've taken our cooks where we've found 'em;

We've answered many an ad;

We've had our pickin' o' servants,

And most of the lot was bad.

Some was Norahs an' Bridgets;

Tillie she came last fall;

Claras and Fannies and Lenas and Annies,

And now we've got none at all.

Now, we don't know much about servants,

For, takin' 'em all along,

You never can tell till you've tried 'em,

And then you are like to be wrong.

There's times when you'll think that they're perfect;

There's times when you'll think that they're bum,

But the things you'll learn from those that have gone

May help you with those to come.

Norah, she landed from Dublin,

Green as acushla machree;

Norah was willing and anxious

To learn what a servant should be.

We told Mrs. Kirk all about her--

She offered her seven more per--

Now Norah she works, as you know, for the Kirks--

And we learned about servants from her.

Lena we got from an "office";

Lena was saving and Dutch--

Thought that our bills were enormous,

And told us we spent far too much.

Lena decamped with some silver,

Jewelry, laces and fur--

She was loving and kind, with a Socialist mind--

And we learned about servants from her.

Tillie blew in from the Indies,

Black as the middle of night--

Cooked like a regular Savarin--

Kitchen was shiny an' bright.

Everything ran along lovely

Until--it was bound to occur--

She ran away with a porter one day--

But we learned about servants from her.

We've taken our cooks where we've found them,

Yellow and black and white;

Some was better than others,

But none of the lot was right.

And the end of it's only worry

And trouble and bother and fuss--

When you answer an ad., think of those we have had

And learn about servants from us.

Our Dum'd Animals

What time I seek my virtuous couch to steal

Some surcease from the labours of the day,

Ere silence like a poultice comes to heal--

In short, when I prepare to hit the hay;

Ere slumber's chains (I quote from Moore) have bound me,

I hear a lot of noises all around me.

Time was when falling off the well-known log

Were harder far than falling off to sleep;

But that was ere my neighbour's gentle dog

Began to think he was defending sheep.

From twelve to two his barking and his howling

Accompanies two torn cats' nightly yowling.

At two-ten sharp the parrot in the flat

Across the way his monologue essays.

At three, again, as Gilbert says, the cat;

At four a milkman's horse, exulted, neighs.

At six-fifteen, nor does it ever vary,

I hear the dulcet tones of a canary.

Each living thing I love; I love the birds;

The beasts in field and forest, too, I love,

But I have writ these poor, if metric words,

To query which, by all the pow'rs above,

Of all the animals--pray tell me, some one--

Is called by any courtesy a dumb one?

A Soft Susurrus

A soft susurrus in the night,

A song whose singer is unseen--

'Twere poetry itself to write

"A soft susurrus in the night!"

I know, as those mosquitos bite,

That I forgot to fix that screen,

"A soft susurrus in the night!"

A song whose singer is unseen.

A Summer Summary

Shall I, lying in a grot,

Die because the day is hot?

Or declare I can't endure

Such a torrid temperature?

Be it hotter than the flames

South Gehenna Junction claims,

If it be not so to me,

What care I how hot it be?

Shall I say I love the town

Praised by Robinson and Browne?

Shall I say, "In summer heat

Old Manhattan can't be beat?"

Be it luring as a bar,

Or my neighbour's motor-car,

If I think it is pazziz

What care I how fine it is?

Shall I prate of rural joys

Far from civic smoke and noise?

Shall I, like the others, drool

"But the nights are always cool?"

If I hate to rise at six

Shall I praise the suburbs? Nix!

If the country's not for me,

What care I how good it be?

Town or country, cool or hot,

Differs nothing, matters not;

For to quote that Roman cuss,

Why dispute "de gustibus?"

If to this or that one should

Take a fancy, it is good.

If these rhymes look good to me,

What care I how bad they be?

A Quatrain

A quatrain fills a little space,

Although it's pretty small,

And oftentimes, as in this case,

It has no point at all.

To a Light Housekeeper

(Who hitches laundering articles to the curtain

string and pastes them on the pane.)

Lady, thou that livest

Just across the way,

If a hang thou givest

What the people say,

If a cuss thou carest

What a poet thinks--

Hearken, if thou darest,

Most immodest minx!

Though thy gloves thou tiest,

To the curtain string,

Though the things thou driest

Gird me while I sing,

Hankies and inventions

Of the lacy tribe--

Things I may not mention,

Let alone describe.

These I mutely stand for

Though the sight offend,

THIS I reprimand for;

Take it from a friend:

Cease to pin thy tresses

To the window sill,

Or I'll tell the presses--

Honestly, I will.

How?

How can I work when you play the piano,

Feminine person above?

How can I think, with your ceaseless soprano

Singing: "Ah, Love--"?

How can I dream of a subject aesthetic,

Far from the purlieus of prose?

How, with the call of the peripatetic

"High! High cash clo'es!"?

How can I write when the children are crying?

How can I poetize--how?

How can I help imper_fect_ versifying?

(There is some now.)

How can I bathe in the thought--waves of

beauty?

How, with my nerves on the slant,

Can I perform my poetical duty?

Frankly, I can't.

Ballade of the Breakfast Table

When the Festal Board, as the papers say,

Groans 'neath the weight of a lot to eat,

At breakfast, Fruhstuck or dejeuner,

(As a bard tri-lingual I'm rather neat)

At breakfast, then, if I may repeat,

This is what gets me into a huff,

This is a query I cannot beat:

Why don't they ever have spoons enough?

I've broken my fast with the grave and gay,

With hoi polloi and with the elite;

I've been all over the U. S. A.

From Dorchester Crossing to Kearney Street.

But aye when I sit in the morning seat

Comes to my notice the self-same bluff,

Plenty of food, but in this they cheat:

Why don't they ever have spoons enough?

Take it at breakfast, only to-day:

This was the layout, fresh and sweet:

Canteloupe, sweet as the new-mown hay;[Footnote: And about as edible.]

Cereal--one of the brands[Footnote: To advertisers: This space for sale.]

of wheat;

Soft--boiled eggs (we've cut out the meat);

Coffee (a claro--manila--buff);

Napery, china, and glasses complete--

Why don't they ever have spoons enough?

L'ENVOI

Autocratesses, forgive my heat,

But isn't it time to change that stuff?

Small is the benison I entreat--

Why don't they ever have spoons enough?

Ornithology

Unlearned I in ornithology--

All I know about the birds

Is a bunch of etymology,

Just a lot of high--flown words.

Is the curlew an uxorial

Bird? The Latin name for crow?

Is the bulfinch grallatorial?

I dunno.

O'er my head no golden gloriole

Ever shall be proudly set

For my knowledge of the oriole,

Eagle, ibis, or egrette.

I know less about the tanager

And its hopes and fears and aims

Than a busy Broadway manager

Does of James.

But, despite my incapacity

On the birdies of the air,

I am not without sagacity,

Be it ne'er so small a share.

This I know, though ye be scorning at

What I know not, though ye mock,

Birdies wake me every morning at

Four o'clock.

To Alice--Sit--By--The--Hour

Lady in the blue kimono, you that live across the way,

One may see you gazing, gazing, gazing all the livelong day,

Idly looking out your window from your vantage point above.

Are you convalescent, lady? Are you worse? Are you in love?

Ever gazing, as you hang there on the little window seat,

Into flats across the way or down upon the prosy street.

Can't you rent a pianola? Can't you iron, sew, or cook?

Write a letter, bake a pudding, make a bed or read a book?

Tell me of the fascination you indubitably find

In the "High Cash Cloe's!" man's holler, in the hurdy--gurdy grind.

Are your Spanish castles blue prints? Are you waiting for a knight

To descend upon your fastness and to save you from your plight?

Lady in the blue kimono, idle, mollycoddle dame,

Does your doing nothing never make you feel the blush of shame?

As you sit and stare and ditto, not a single thing to do,

Lady in the blue kimono, lady, how I envy you!

To Alice--Sit--By--The--Hour

(Being the second idyl to an idle idol.)

Lady in the blue kimono,

May we write of you again?

Do not hand us out a "No! no!"

Do not dam the flowing pen.

Once again a poem at you

Crave we leave of you to write--

Lady idle as a statue,

Lady silent as the night!

Lady in the blue kimono,

Heavy is our heart and dumb,

Though we weep no tear nor show no

Sign of sadness, we are glum;

For that wrapper, silk or cotton,

You eternally had on--

It is gone, but not forgotten.

Still the fact is, it is gone.

Lady in the blue kimono,

Although deadly hot the day,

Don't you think--(alas! we know no

Way to put what we would say!)

Er--although your smile is pleasant,

Wondrous fair, and all that stuff--

Do you really think, at present,

It is--er--ahem--enough?

Notions

Myrtie, my notion of no one to write about

Seems to be any one other than you;

Therefore, Myrtilla, I'm penning to-night about

Twelve anapestic good verses and true.

Eke my conception of no girl to gaze upon,

O my Myrtilla, includes all the rest,

Saving the one that I'm spilling this praise upon--

You, as it isn't unlikely you've guessed.

Also my notion of nowhere to be at all--

Pardon, Myrtilla, my lack of restraint--

Notion of mapless location is----d. it all--

Anywhere you simultaneous ain't.

My Ladye's Eyen

Poets ther ben in plenteous line yt take ye auncient theme

Of singing to a ladye's eyen whiche maken them to dreme,

And through ye blessed hours of slepe--thilk eyen or browne or blue

Doe soothe ye poet's slumbers deep: by goddiswoundes thaie doe!

O gentil reder, wit ye well, yt mony soche ther bee,

And whan an eyefulle damosel hath made a hitte wyth mee,

Hir eyen ben soe o'erpassing bright yt holden mee in thrall,

I tosse about ye livelong night, nor can ne slepe atte all.

To a Lady

Ah, Lady, if these verses glowed

Warmer than chill appreciation--

If they should lengthen to an "Ode

On Fascination--"

If I should cast this cold restraint,

Nor dam this pen's o'ereager flowing--

If but your portrait I should paint

In colours glowing--

Assuming I should write such dope--

If, haply, you can but conceive it--

As Fahrenheit as Laurence Hope--

You'd not believe it.

YOU'D not; but, oh, Another would!

For, by and large and altogether,

Us potes must be misunderstood.

* * *

What lovely weather!

"A Perfect Woman Nobly Planned"

(The man who wants the perfect wife should marry a

"stock-size." She comes cheaper.--_London Chronicle_.)

Ah, Myrtilla, woe and dear me!

Lackadaydee and alas!

What is this, I greatly fear me,

That has come to pass?

Craving, as I do, perfection,

Loathing anything like flaws,

I must raise a slight objection

To your building laws.

You are five one-and-a-quarter,

And your girth is thirty-three--

Myrtie, you're a little shorter

Than you ought to be.

It is far from my intentions

Your proportions to describe,

Briefly, Myrtie, your dimensions

Do not seem to jibe.

Farewell, Myrt, for Ethelisa

Seems to be my certain fate,

Stupid? Silly? Sure, but she's a

Perfect thirty-eight.

An Ultimatum to Myrtilla

(Inspired by the shameless styles in hair.)

Ah, Myrtilla mine, you said--

And your tone was earnest, very--

You would never deck your head

With this vernal millinery.

Myrt, to mince no words, you lied;

Oh, that I should live to know it!

You that are my nearly-bride;

I that am your nearly-poet!

For I saw the awful lid

You had on at 10 this morning;

Myrt, it was a merrywid,

Spite of my decisive warning.

Still, I can forgive you that;

Though the thing look ne'er so silly;

I will overlook the hat

If you promise this, Myrtillie:

Wear your lacebelows and fluffs;

Wear the awfullest creations--

But--omit the stylish puffs

And the vogueish transformations.

Myrt, if you inflate your hair

I shall--well--excoriate you,

And, I positively swear,

Loathe, despise, detest, and hate you.

Love Gustatory

Myrtilla, I have seen you eat--

Have heard you drink, to be precise--

Your soup, and, notwithstanding, sweet,

The gurgitation wasn't nice,

I overlooked a tiny fault

Like that with just a grain of salt.

And, sweetest maid in all New York,

When all ungracefully you pierce

The toothsome oyster with your fork

I realize you're pretty fierce;

But such a feat, be't understood,

Nor Venus nor Diana could.

I've seen you hang, high in the air,

A stalk of fresh asparagus,

Guiding its succulence to where

It ought to go. I did not cuss.

You had it hot and vinaigrette,

Myrtilla, and I loved you yet.

Myrt, I have stood for a good deal,

As one will in this Cupid game,

But now I know I'll never feel

Toward you, dear Tillie, quite the same

Since I have seen you on the job

Of eating corn--corn on the cob.

She Is Not Fair

"She is not fair to outward view";

No beauty hers of form or face

She hath no witchery, 'tis true,

No grace.

Nor pretty wit, nor well-stored mind,

Nor azure eyes, nor golden hair

Hath she. She is--I am not blind--

Not fair.

What makes me love her, then? say you,

For such a maid is not my wont.

Love her! What makes you think I do?

I don't.

To Myrtilla Again

Myrtilla, when the thought of you

Obstructs my cold, unbiased view,

And keeps me from

My hard though hum-

Ble task,

I do not murmur nor complain

I do not ululate nor feign

A love for _vin_

Or what is in

A flask.

When, as I said in stanza first,

My mind is thoroughly immersed

With you until

My pulses thrill

And throb,

I don't, in tones more picturesque

Than journalistic, slam my desk,

And in a fit

Of frenzy quit

My job.

When, as I may have said before,

Your image I can not ignore,

I do not tear

My thinning hair

Nor cuss;

I leave such sentimental show

To bards like Shelley, Keats, and Poe

I merely spill

Some ink, Myrtil-

La, thus.

Myrtilla's Third Degree

(With deep bows to Adelaide Anne Proctor's heirs,

administrators and assigns.)

Before I trust my Fate to thee,

Or place my hand in thine--

(This is an easy parody,

Without a change of line.)

Before I peril all for thee, question thy soul to-night for me.

Is there, within thy dimmest dreams,

This dread ambition, Myrt?

Hast thou the ghost of a desire

To wear a hobble[Footnote: "Harem," or whatever is to come in the future,

may be substituted here.] skirt?

If so, at any pain or cost, oh, tell me before all is lost.

Look deeper still. Dost underline

Most words in writing letters?

Or "Local" write on envelopes?

Say, ere I bind my fetters.

Let no false pity spare the blow, but in true mercy tell me so.

Once more. Dost thou, in easy speech,

Ever let fall "those kind"?

Art thou to nutmeg in a pie

Unalterably inclined?

If aught of these, maid of my wooing, there's absolutely nothing doing.

To Myrtilla Complaining

Myrtie, you weep that the bard has neglected you,

Passed you, forgotten you, let you alone.

Bless you, Myrtilla, I never suspected you

Ever would speak to me, sweet, in that tone.

Myrtie, you say that my poems are penned to you

Only on days when I've nothing to do,

Otherwise I have no time to attend to you,

Others, you say, are more weighty than you.

Sweet, you allege I have not enough time for you,

Yes, and you say that I hold you but light,

Only when pressed do I reel off a rhyme for you

* * *

Lady Myrtilla, you've doped it out right.

Christmas Cards

TO THE GROCERY BOY

Before you send me up that card

With rime and diction far from subtle,

Hear what a now rebellious bard

Says in a quasi-pre-rebuttal.

"A nickel in a poor boy's hat!"

You, minion of a grubbing grocer,

You dare, indeed, to ask me that?

Bold and relentless, say I, "No, sir!"

You who bring some one else's tea

To us, while ours goes to the neighbours,

And yet you dare demand from me

Reward for inefficient labours!

You who but lately made me hit

My head upon the dum-dum waiter--

From me you get no silver bit.

Fie, out upon you, youthful traitor!

Hard is my heart and tight my purse;

Deaf is my ear to all your suing.

Except this little bit of verse,

There's absolutely nothing doing.

TO THE JANITOR

Sullen, surly Scandinave,

Smoking on a pipe,

Valiantly I cast the glave

At thee and thy type.

Person of the shakeless grouch

Tamperer with the cream,

Idler, lounger, sloven, slouch

Despot of the steam--

Thou who bangest garbage cans

In the hollow court,

Thou whose children spin tin pans

Deeming it is sport--

Tyrant of the tenement,

Take thy card and flee!

Not a nickel, not a cent

Dost thou get from me.

III

TO THE WAITER

O waiter, will you tell me why

You think to get at Christmas time

A five-case note, for do not I

Slip you each day a dime?

When as I crave Prime Ribs au Jus [Footnote: Well, how do you pronounce it,

then?]

And beg that you will bring them rare,

They are well done. I fume and fuss

And yet you do not care.

Haply I order apple pie,

But NOT your counsel or advice;

You rub your hands and tell me: "Why,

The mince is very nice."

You hide my hat, you hide my coat.

Let others, if they care to, give,

But as to this here gentle pote--

Be glad he lets you live.

TO THE APARTMENT HOUSE TELEPHONE GIRL

Proud, imperious female person

That presideth o'er my 'phone,

Hearken while I do some verse on

Thee, and thee alone.

Puffed and pompadoured and ratted,

Reading _Munsey's_ all the day,

Pony-coated, otter-hatted--

Listen to my lay:

When I beg in desperation,

"Eight O Seven Riverside,"

Why do I get "Information"?

Is it justified?

Why--I ask it with insistence--

Why--prepare to be appalled--

Why "$2.85 Long Distance"

That I never called?

When I call thee, "They don't answer"

Tells me Central. (Oh, the crime!)

Then thou sayest, thou Romancer,

"Been here all the time!"

Tyrant trim and telephonic,

Christmas offerings to thee?

Pardon if I seem laconic:

Not a single c.

TO THE BARBER

Prince of the parlour tonsorial,

Knight of the razor and shears,

Who have from time immemorial

Snipped it too short round the ears--

You with your long academical

Causes for "thinning on top,"

Selling me gallons of chemical

Tonic, a brush, and a strop;

You with your sad comicality,

You with your bum badinage--

Confound your congeniality!

Confound your "Facial Massage?"

Still, though you shave contragrainious,[Footnote: Well, there ought to be.]

Healing the cut with a lime,

Don't I, quite nice and spontaneous,

Daily contribute a dime?

Mountain of foreign servility,

Butcher of chin and of lip.

Maugre your marked inability,

Do I not fall for the tip?

Hope you at Christmas for currency,

Fiend of tonsorial tricks?

Never was greater aberrancy--

Coarsely I say to you, "Nix!"

TO THE HALL-AND-ELEVATOR-BOY

Lo, the West Indian! whose untutored mind

To Christmas giving makes me disinclined,

Who tellest callers I have moved away

And mixest up the morning mail each day.

When for thine elevator car I ring

Thou telephonest or some other thing;

While, when I ask for Byrant Eighty-four,

Thou'rt busy somewhere on the seventh floor--

I wish thee from my soul all Christmas joy,

But not a cent, O Elevator Boy!

Ballade of a Hardy Annual

Many a jest that refuses to die

Bobs up again as the seasons appear;

Deathless it hits us again in the eye--

Changeless and dull as the calendar year.

Musty and mouldy and yellow and sere,

Stronger, withal, than the sturdiest oak;

Ancient and solemn and deadly and drear--

Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!

Soon as the snow has forgotten to fly,

All through the day of the "leathery sphere,"

Jokelets and pictures and verses we spy

All on the theme of the grandmother dear.

Bonnets, umbrellas, and buckets of beer

Please us and tickle us quite to the choke.

But--on this matter our attitude's clear--

Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!

Giggle we can at a blueberry pie;

Scream at a comedy king or ameer;

Simply guffaw when the jestermen guy

Marriage, a thing at which no one should jeer.

Things that in others elicit a tear

All of our risibles simply unyoke;

But from this stand we're unwilling to veer:

Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!

L'ENVOI

Brothers in motley, the season is here;

Small is the boon that we sadly invoke:

Butcher it, murder it, jump on its ear!--

Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!

A Plea

Writers of baseball, attention!

When you're again on the job--

When, in your rage for invention,

You with the language play hob--

Most of your dope we will pardon,

Though of the moth ball it smack;

But--cut out the "sinister garden,"

Chop the "initial sack."

Rake poor old Roget's "Thesaurus"

For phrases fantastic and queer;

And though on occasions you bore us,

We will refrain from a sneer.

We will endeavour to harden

Ourselves to the rest of your clack,

If you'll cut out the "sinister garden"

And chop the "initial sack."

Singers of words that are scrambled,

Say, if you will, that he "died,"

Write, if you must, that he "ambled"--

We shall be last to deride.

But us to the Forest of Arden,

Along with the misanthrope Jaques,

If you cling to the "sinister garden"

And stick to "initial sack."

Speak of the "sphere's aberration,"

Mention the "leathery globe,"

Say he got "free transportation"--

Though that try the patience of Job.

But if you're wise you'll discard en-

Cumbrances such as we thwack--

Especially "sinister garden"

And the "initial sack."

Footlight Motifs

MRS. FISKE

Staccato, hurried, nervous, brisk,

Cascading, intermittent, choppy,

The brittle voice of Mrs. Fiske

Shall serve me now as copy.

Assist me, O my Muse, what time

I pen a bit of Deathless Rhyme!

Time was, when first that voice I heard,

Despite my close and tense endeavour,

When many an important word

Was lost and gone forever;

Though, unlike others at the play,

I never whispered: "wha'd'd she say?"

Some words she runstogetherso;

Some others are distinctly stated;

Some cometoofast and s o m e t o o s l o w

And some are syncopated.

And yet no voice--I am sincere--

Exists that I prefer to hear.

For what is called "intelligence"

By every Mrs. Fiskeian critic

As usual is just a sense

Of humour, analytic.

So any time I'm glad to frisk

Two bones to witness Mrs. Fiske.

Olga Nethersole

I like little Olga,

Her plays are so warm;

And if I don't see 'em,

They'll do me no harm.

My Puritan training

Has kept me from going

To dramas in which

Little Olga was showing.

But I like little Olga,

Her art is so warm;

And if I don't see her

She'll do me no harm.

Ballade of the Average Reader

I try to touch the public taste,

For thus I earn my daily bread.

I try to write what folks will paste

In scrap books after I am dead.

By Public Craving I am led.

(I' sooth, a most despotic leader)

Yet, though I write for Tom and Ned,

I've never seen an average reader.

The Editor is good and chaste,

But says: (Above the public's head;

This is _too_ good; 'twill go to waste.

Write something commonplacer--

Ed.)

Write for the average reader, fed

By pre-digested near-food's feeder,

But though my high ideals have fled,

I've never _seen_ an average reader.

How many lines have been erased!

How many fancies have been shed!

How many failures might be traced

To this--this average-reader dread!

I've seen an average single bed;

I've seen an average garden-weeder;

I've seen an average cotton thread--

I've _never_ seen an average _reader_.

L'ENVOI