BERNARD O’RIELLY.
DENNY BURNS.
BRIDGET O’RIELLY.
MARY ANN REBECCA O’RIELLY.
SCENE.--_Ordinary tenement house room. Stove, R. Table, C. Chairs by
table. Bureau, L., and cot. Curtain rises, disclosing_ Bridget _combing
her hair at bureau_.
_Brid._ Arrah, siven o’clock. Shure, it is time for Mary to arrive. But
she’s late to-night. Shure, since she’s been workin’ in the playin’
card factory it’s too high-toned she has become to ride up town on the
horse-car. It is on the back balcony av a truck that she rowls along.
Hark, I guess that that is her footstep now. [_Listens._
_Door opens, and_ Mary _enters, carrying lunch-box. Sets it on table._
_Mary._ Supper ready, mother?
_Brid._ Supper ready! It is not hungry yez are afther the ilegant lunch
that I put up for yez?
_Mary._ Ah, what are you giving us? Call that a nice lunch! Ham and
crackers! that’s a sweet tuck-out for a hard working girl, ain’t it?
_Brid._ That’ll do, miss. Perhaps yez would like charlotty ruse and
banana fritters wid egg sauce. Any girl that don’t like ham and
crackers is too fastidious to live.
_Mary._ Well, I don’t care; all the other girls have nice things to
eat. It gives you away to the gang to see me with such a curbstone
banquet.
_Brid._ It gives me away to the gang, does it, ye hussy! I’ll give
yez to comprehend that divil a cint do I care for the gang. Mary Ann
Rebecca O’Rielly, sit right down on that chair and give your tongue a
rest, or I’ll lather ye over the head wid the ironin’ board.
_Mary._ (_Sitting down._) All right. But hurry up with supper, mother.
_Brid._ ’Pears to me you are in an awful hurry.
_Mary._ So I am. I want to go to the Hoolihan masquerade ball.
_Brid._ Yez want to go to the Hoolihan massacree ball? Divil a step do
you stir there to-night. No daughter av mine shall go to a massacree
ball and dance wid five-cent barbers. Do yez want to be set down as a
spieler?
_Mary._ But I want to go awful bad. All the boys and girls are going to
take it in.
_Brid._ Yis; an’ the police will take thim in. Where is the ball to be
held, at the Academy of Sculpture?
_Mary._ No, ma’am, at Wulhalla Hall.
_Brid._ Wulhalla Hall? That’s a foine, noice, jinteel place for a young
girl to go to. Who are ye goin’ to go wid?
_Mary._ Denny Burns.
_Brid._ Who?
_Mary._ Denny Burns.
_Brid._ Niver! Do ye suppose that I would allow me daughter to go to a
ball wid such a pill as he? Dinny Burns is a foine young man----
_Mary._ Of course he is; he’s a masher.
_Brid._ I’ll mash his head if he comes foolin’ around here. A feller
that wears a soup dish hat and a pickadilly collar, and wears a bunch
of asparagus in his button-hole. Begorra, Mary Ann, next yez will be
asking me to allow yez to go down to Coney Island wid an alderman’s son.
_Mary._ Denny’s a real nice boy.
_Brid._ Ye are giving me taffy.
_Mary._ And he says that you are the freshest old daisy on this block.
_Brid._ And ye stood by and heard him insulting of yer mother widout
kicking him over?
_Mary._ Sure he meant it as a compliment.
_Brid._ Oh, he did, did he?
_Mary._ Yis, and he said that he couldn’t tell you from me widout a
telescope. He said that it was wonderful how you concealed your good
looks.
_Brid._ Well, there’s some good in the lad yet, and----
[_Enter_ Bernard O’Rielly _at door_.
_Ber._ Bridget?
_Brid._ Yis, Bernard.
_Ber._ Take off me ulster, and bring me me smokin’ jacket. [_Takes off
ragged coat and dons linen duster much worn, which_ Bridget _brings
him_.
_Brid._ Are yez hungry, ould man?
_Ber._ Hungry! Be Heaven, I could ate a plate ov mortar! What have yez
for supper?
_Brid._ Corn beef and cabbage.
_Ber._ Corn beef and cabbage.
_Brid._ Yis.
_Ber._ Woman, you’ll drive me mad. Corn beef and cabbage is nice food
for a hard working man. Why don’t yez have ice cream and pie?
_Brid._ Where’s the money to get it wid?
_Ber._ Buy a lottery ticket, me daisy. Bridget O’Rielly, if I come
home to-morrow night and find corn beef and cabbage for supper I’ll
slaughter yez.
_Mary._ Dad, why don’t you buy a new dicer?
_Ber._ Do what?
_Mary._ Strike a fresh kady.
_Ber._ Mary Ann, I wasn’t brought up in Frinch. Did that horse
car conductor that sint yez the boquet av peetoonias larn ye the
articulation? Yez’ll be settin’ up a Vienna Bakery next.
_Mary._ Oh, you can’t tumble for a cent. Why don’t you get a new hat?
_Ber._ A new hat! What’s the matter wid this? [_Takes off a battered
stovepipe_.] I’ve only worn it seventeen years. Next yez will be axin
me to purchase a pair av low-necked shoes, and some giddy socks.
_Mary._ That hat looks as if it was called in. Get a gun and shoot it.
_Ber._ I’ll get a cannon and stab you. Bridget, is the corn beef and
cabbage ripe?
_Brid._ Shure it is. Come take your sates at the table.
[Bridget _puts eatables on the table, and all sit down_. Bernard _picks
up a loaf of bread, bites it, and throws it at_ Bridget.
_Brid._ Bernard O’Rielly, are ye mad?
_Ber._ No, I’m insane. The next time ye buy bread, Bridget, see that it
isn’t stuffed wid bricks. I’ve left three of me teeth in the loaf.
_Brid._ Shure, it’s good.
_Ber._ Good for pavin the streets. If the Czar of Rushia had had cannon
balls as hard as that bread, he’d a licked the bloody Turks long ago.
_Brid._ Thin I’ll throw it away.
_Ber._ No, yez won’t. Save it, and I’ll kill a cat wid it. Pass me the
butter.
_Mary._ The butter’s strong enough to walk to ye.
_Ber._ No criticisms, young leddy; if the butter’s good enough for yer
ancistor, it is good enough for yez. What are ye all dressed up fur
to-night?
_Mary._ I’m going to a ball.
_Ber._ What ball?
_Mary._ The Hoolihan’s masquerade ball.
_Ber._ Yez ain’t. Divil a one of the Hoolihan’s marquerade have got
money enough to buy their own chewin’ tobacco.
_Brid._ Let the girl go.
_Ber._ Niver; she can go around to church, and see them bury Pat
McGinness, if she wants relaxation. Who was she goin’ to the ball wid?
_Brid._ Denny Burns.
_Ber._ A young thafe that gets fifty cints a week playin’ policy. Mary
Ann, if I catch that hypothecation around this chateau, I’ll break his
neek, do you savvy?
_Mary._ Then I can’t go wid him?
_Ber._ No, me leddy. Stay at home and read yez hymn-book, so that yez
will be able to sing, “Hould me Foat,” when the time comes for the
torch-light picnics. Bridget, take off this overdress of mine, and
bring me me spring overcoat.
_Brid._ Shure, we’re using your spring coat for a tablecloth.
_Ber._ I suppose so. And I’ve been carryin’ the tablecloth around all
day for a chest-protector. But I must away.
_Brid._ Where are yez goin’?
_Ber._ I have siven cints, and I am goin’ down to Casey’s to buy a
dhrink. If either of yez are out of the house whin I come back I’ll
kill yez both. Do yez moind?
[_Exit_ Bernard. Mary _and_ Bridget _both get up from the table and
advance front_. Mary _puts on her bonnet_.
_Brid._ What are yez puttin’ on your tra-la-la hat for?
_Mary._ To go to the ball with.
_Brid._ Didn’t yez hear your father tell yez to stay at home?
_Mary._ Oh, father’s an ould stick-in-the-mud. He can’t boss me.
_Brid._ He’ll paralyze every sinew in your body.
_Mary._ I ain’t afraid. If he tries any of his lugs on me Denny will
put a head on him. Da--da, mother.
_Brid._ If yez get killed at the ball it ain’t my fault.
_Mary._ All right. Over the sewer, skip the gutter, cross the river,
mother. [_Exit at door._
_Brid._ There she goes with her Latin conversation. Bedad, I guess I’ll
take a nap.
[_Blows out candle on table. Stage darkens._
[_Enter_ Bernard _at door_.
_Ber._ Eleven o’clock, and Bridget is asleep. Be the Heavens, I
will wake her up; too much repose is injurious to the system.
Bridget--Bridget! wake up, or I’ll kick your eyes open.
_Brid._ (_Getting up from cot._) What’s the matter? Where’s the fire?
_Ber._ Ye are slothful, Bridget O’Rielly. Where is Mary?
_Brid._ Asleep. [_Aside._] May St. Peter pardhon me for the loie!
_Ber._ It is well. If she had gone a-spielin’ to the Hoolihan
masquerade I would have got a divorce from her.
_Mary._ (_Outside._) I didn’t try to mash the Dutch cucumber-peddler,
Denny.
_Ber._ Bridget, you have deceived me. That is Mary’s voice.
_Brid._ I didn’t mane to, Bernard, but----
_Ber._ No buts; be fastidious in your defense. Madam, on to-morrow I
may be in the prisoner’s dock at the court-house.
_Den._ (_Outside._) Go ’way, Mary Ann, you know you was tryin’ to shake
me all the while.
_Mary._ (_Outside._) Speak low, or you’ll wake up father.
_Den._ (_Outside._) What d’yer ’spose I care for that ould gas-house
terrier?
_Ber._ Bridget, get me the carvin’ knife. I will go out and cut that
villain’s liver out! Do you hear the epithet he’s fastenin’ on me?
_Brid._ Be aisy; listen.
_Den._ (_Outside._) Your old woman, hey? Who cares for her, the ould
dish-wrastler? When we get married, Mary, I’m goin’ to shoot her if she
ever comes around the house.
_Brid._ Shoot me! Blessed virgin, d’ye hear it? Bernard, where’s the
ax? Give it to me till I chop the assassin up!
_Mary._ (_Outside._) Come into the room, Denny. The old folks have all
gone to bed.
_Brid._ The spalpeen’s comin’ into the room, d’ye moind it?
_Ber._ Whist! hide, and we’ll give him ballyglory.
[Bridget _hides under table_, Bernard _behind bureau_.
_Enter_ Mary _and_ Denny _at door_.
_Mary._ We have had a good racket, ain’t we, Denny?
_Den._ Yez are givin’ it ter me straight. Did yer see me mash that son
of cross-eyed McCarty for saying that yez had a foot like a giraffe?
_Mary._ Did you kill him?
_Den._ No; but I broke the sucker’s jaw. Where are the two old
figger-heads?
_Mary._ What figger-heads?
_Den._ Those old flannel-mouths--yer father and mother.
_Ber._ (_Jumping out from bureau._) Oh, yez rapscallion! Bridget, hurl
yerself out and we’ll salt this fresh herrin’.
_Brid._ (_Jumping out._) Othello, we have yez now. Slug him, Bernard.
_Den._ What’s this, anyhow?
_Ber._ Young man, yez have alluded disrespectfully to the great
O’Rielly family. Be Heaven, yez must die!
_Den._ What are yez slinging me--tacks?
_Ber._ We’ll be afther slingin’ yez out av the window when the morgue
comes along. Whoof! hit him, Bridget!
[Bridget _rushes at_ Denny. _He knocks her down._
_Ber._ Yez have raised yer fist against a daisy. Beware, I am coming.
[_Biz of fight between_ Bernard _and_ Denny. Denny _finally knocks_
Bernard _under the table. Table falls on him._ Denny _seizes_ Mary
_in his arms and menaces_ Bridget _with the teapot. Flats close in on
tableau._
[THE END.]