JOHN MCSWEGAN ... HARRY KERNELL.
BARNEY CROSSIN ... JOHN KERNELL.
_Street scene._
_Enter_ McSwegan.
_McSwegan._ Well, I have just come into town to meet an old friend of
mine from the same place in Ireland as myself; but he has risen in the
world, and keeps a lager beer brewery in Koekuk, Iowa. I don’t see him,
so I will step down to McNally’s saloon. Probably he will come along
while I am gone. [_Exit._
_Enter_ Crossin.
_Crossin._ I wonder where McSwegan is? He promised to meet me here. As
I was coming around the corner a little girl looked at me in the face,
and says: “There’s General Grant.” I looked around and says: “You lie,
sis,” but I don’t think she seen the point. Another little fellow says:
“Stag the Mick with the lantern jaw.”
_Enter_ McSwegan.
_McS._ Good-morning, Barney.
_Cros._ Good-afternoon.
_McS._ What kept you so quick?
_Cros._ I couldn’t come any later.
_McS._ Have you had any trouble lately at your home?
_Cros._ Yes, we had a railroad accident.
_McS._ I didn’t hear anything about it. What was it?
_Cros._ Mary Ann O’Brien hung herself with her back hair.
_McS._ How do you make that out a railroad accident?
_Cros._ Why, her death was caused by a misplaced switch.
_McS._ It’s a wonder they didn’t put you up for a headlight.
_Cros._ If I had your mouth we might have used it for a tunnel.
_McS._ Well, are you working now?
_Cros._ No; I have not worked for three months.
_McS._ I can get you a fine job.
_Cros._ What doing?
_McS._ Why, a friend of mine wants to put you in an envelope; he wants
to send a valentine to a shoemaker.
_Cros._ Say, when you go home you want to eat all the salt you can get;
you are the freshest rooster I ever saw.
_McS._ Well, if you don’t like that job, put molasses on your whiskers,
and hire yourself out for fly paper.
_Cros._ Will you be doing anything to-morrow?
_McS._ No, I guess not. Why?
_Cros._ Well, I would like to have you come with me to a photograph
gallery; I want your picture.
_McS._ What do you want with my picture?
_Cros._ I want to give it to the police. I lost my monkey.
_McS._ Well, if I thought there was a reward for you I would bring you
home again.
_Cros._ Did you hear the news?
_McS._ No; what is it?
_Cros._ It’s all over town.
_McS._ What?
_Cros._ Mud.
_McS._ That’s a very good joke.
_Cros._ It is. Will you have a cigar?
_McS._ I will.
_Cros._ Then go buy one.
_McS._ You are not smoking now, are you?
_Cros._ No, not at present.
_McS._ I see the mud has covered them up.
_Cros._ See here, do you know any conundrums?
_McS._ I don’t know what you mean.
_Cros._ I mean do you know anything I ought to give up?
_McS._ You ought to give up them two dollars you owe me.
_Cros._ Well, ask me some conundrum.
_McS._ All right. Which is the best way to make fish-balls without the
fish?
_Cros._ Why, send the potatoes home C. O. D. What looks most like the
half moon?
_McS._ Why, the other half.
_Cros._ Why is the mosquito a good poker player?
_McS._ Because every time he draws he fills.
_Cros._ Well, what chance have I got? Ask me one.
_McS._ All right. Which is the best way to keep a dog from going mad in
August?
_Cros._ Shoot him in July.
_McS._ Which is the best way to find a young lady out.
_Cros._ Why, go around to see her some day when she is not in.
_McS._ Well, now ask me a hard one.
_Cros._ All right. Why are your two feet like an Italian organ grinder?
_McS._ I will give it up. Why are your two feet like an Italian organ
grinder? Because they carry a monkey around all day.
_Cros._ What makes a chicken go across the street? Because he wants to
get on the other side. Why didn’t you answer that, you bum?
_McS._ You didn’t give me a chance.
_Cros._ How long can a jackass stand on one leg?
_McS._ You get up and try it. [_Both exit._