BERNARD MCFLYNN.
LANDLORD.
ELLEN MCFLYNN.
POLICEMAN.
_Interior of kitchen furnished poorly. Stove C. Baby in cradle, L. Wash
tub, L. C. Table and chairs R. Ellen discovered at wash tub._
_Ellen._ Bad luck to the day I ever left my home and married Bernard
McFlynn; sure he’s not done a stitch of work for nine years, and it’s
only by me scrubbing my hands off at this wash tub that we’re able
to live at all, at all. [_Baby cries; goes to cradle and rocks._]
There--there, that’s a foine boy; don’t cry, darling--that’s the lad
who will be an honor to me. [_Looks at baby._] Sure and he’s the image
of John Morrissey, and who knows but that he’ll be an Alderman yet.
[_Returns to tub._] Sure and didn’t Mrs. Moriarity’s son, Shamus, get
a position on the horse cars, and he wasn’t named after John Morrissey
either. Well, as the blind man said: “We’ll see what we’ll see.”
[_Enter_ Bernard McFlynn, _C. D._]
[_Takes off coat and hat, hands them to_ Ellen.
_Ber._ Mrs. Elenore McFlynn, would you be so precipitate as to remove
this ulster and get me my dressing-gown and slippers; I have business
to attend to.
_Ellen._ Sure and I think it’s time you had; it’s been nine years since
you did attend to any.
_Ber._ Aisy now, Mrs. McFlynn, the business I have to attend to is of a
political nature.
_Ellen._ Oh, ho!
_Ber._ (_Sits at table._) Get me my writing imperials, the business is
of importance, and must be attended to immediately, if not sooner.
_Ellen._ (_Gets pen, ink and paper._) Sure, and is it _reading_ writing
you are going to do?
_Ber._ (_Biz of looking over a large pile of documents--calls_ Ellen
_to him_.) Ellen, come sit you down, and I’ll show you what position
I hold in political affairs. (Ellen _sits_, Bernard _reads letter in
a very pompous manner_.) “Hon. Bernard McFlynn--Sir, in appreciation
of your services in the late political struggle, you have been
unanimously appointed Engineer of the Morgue, a position of trust and
responsibility. The duties attending the office are light, the hours
of attendance being from 5 A. M. to 4 A. M. Report for duty at once.
Respectfully, Claude Mulligan, secretary.” Now, Ellen, that’s an easy
position; only an hour a day, from 5 to 4. (_Rises, takes hat and
coat._) Well, this business must be attended to at once (_starting
off._).
_Ellen._ (_Calling him._) How long will you be gone, Bernard? you know
we have nothing to eat in the house, and little Johnny Morrissey has
grown hump-back from the want of food.
_Ber._ When I return from the City Hall, Ellen, we will hold an
investigation as to the sanitary condition of the infant. [_Exit C. L._
_Ellen._ (_Comes down front._) Sure and it’s a nice job Bernard has
got, begorra. Engineer of the Morgue, and only has to work an hour a
day. (_Rearranges the table. Knock at door._) Come in!
[_Enter_ Landlord.]
_Land._ Mrs. McFlynn, this is the last time I will call on you for the
rent; I have been put off with promises once too often, and if you
don’t pay up to-morrow you will have to leave.
_Ellen._ Leave, is it? Sure and it’s that same thing we intend to do.
And it’s not heard you have of the position Bernard has got?
_Land._ Position! What position!
_Ellen._ Sure and he has been elected Engineer of the Morgue by a
large majority, and we intend to leave your dirty hovel and move up on
Lexicon avenue in the morning. Now, Mr. O’Grady, put that in your pipe
and smoke it.
_Land._ Perhaps you will and perhaps you won’t. Engineer or no
engineer, he can’t beat me.
_Ellen._ [_Jumping up excitedly._] Beat, is it? You want a beating?
Well, Mr. O’Grady, let me inform you that I can give you all the
beating you want myself.
[_Strikes at him. Biz ad lib. Throws loaf of bread at him._ O’Grady
_dodges it and it hits_ Bernard, _who is just entering C. D._
_Ber._ [_Tipsy._] And is this the way you amuse yourself during my
absence? Do you think I have nothing to do but buy bread for you to
be firing round in that way? After a while you will be wanting plum
pudding, or poie to be playing base ball with? What’s all this row
about, anyhow?
[_Staggers back and falls in the cradle. Baby cries._ Ellen _runs over
to cradle and takes up baby_.
_Ellen._ This dirty spalpeen came in here and insulted me.
_Ber._ [_Jumps up--goes to_ O’Grady.] Insulted you? insulted the wife
of Bernard McFlynn, Engineer of the Morgue! [_Takes off coat._] Sit you
down, Ellen. I will attend to this matter myself.
[_Fights with_ O’Grady; Ellen _joins in, and they throw him out of
the window_; Bernard _comes down, sits at table, and_ Ellen _prepares
supper_.
_Ber._ Now, Ellen, get me my supper, and get me the black bottle from
under the piano. I’ll have to make a speech to-night, and I want my
throat clear. [_Reads paper; baby cries._] Damn that baby!
_Ellen._ Oh, Bernard, sure and the baby can’t help it; don’t be so
cross, and eat your supper, that’s a good man.
_Ber._ Supper, is it? And what have you got for supper?
_Ellen._ Well, I’ve got some nice pork, and----
_Ber._ (_Excitedly._) Ellen, do you think I’m a sausage machine, to be
grinding up pork every day? No, Mrs. McFlynn, I’ll not do it!
_Ellen._ Well, what would you like? How would some canary bird eyes and
pigeon milk suit you? Or would you rather have a bird of paradise on
toast?
[_Sits at table._
_Ber._ Don’t be so kleptomaniac in your remarks. I’ll have that bottle
a little more on my side of the table.
_Ellen._ Sure, and it’s my money that bought it, and I’ll keep it where
it is.
_Ber._ Ho, ho! You’re standing on your high horse to-day. I suppose
before long you’ll be wanting to celebrate your golden wedding, or
silver wedding, and be bringing all your poor relations here to live on
me.
_Ellen._ Sure, an’ not one of my relations ever asked a thing of you,
and as to my celebrating my golden wedding, or silver wedding, or
whatever you call it, I celebrated my wooden wedding when I married a
_block head_, do you mind that now?
_Ber._ Ellen, if you cast any more of your conflections on me I’ll
brain you with this pitcher.
_Ellen._ (_Jumps up._) Well, I guess not, says Timothy Conner; I’m boss
of this house and I’ll do as I like. Sure it was my political influence
that got your position, and I’ll have you dismissed with impunity.
_Ber._ Ellen, the dignity of my position will not allow me to quarrel
with a woman; but if you say another word, I’ll knock you down with the
stove.
_Ellen._ (_Crying._) That’s right; go on--cry out so Mrs. McGillan and
the folks on the top flure can hear you. If my cousin Terrence was here
he----
_Ber._ (_Jumps up, overturns table, etc._) Terrence, is it? the mean,
dirty blackguard, I’d----
_Ellen._ (_Hits him with coffee pot._) Take that, and that. [_Clinch,
struggle, fall over stove, baby cries._ Policeman _rushes in, they both
turn on him, and push him into cradle. Biz ad lib._
[CURTAIN.]