_Enter all of the characters, arm in arm, R._ 2. _E., all singing_.
“The club had a meeting to-night, love!
Of business we had a great sight, love!
Don’t think for a moment I’m tight, love!
I’ve only been down to the club!”
_Stumpy._ See here, Alonzo.
_Alon._ Shout away.
_Stumpy._ Don’t you play that on me again.
_Alon._ Play what?
_Stumpy._ French brandy, twenty-five cents a glass. Do you take me for
the mint?
_Alon._ You said to take what I wanted.
_Stumpy._ Spozen you wanted the whole saloon, would you took that?
Hereafter, when you drink with me--lager, five cents.
_Alon._ All right. [_Laughs as if a thought had just struck him._] See
here, Augustus, I want to see you privately a minute. Gentlemen, excuse
us.
_Stumpy and Alph._ Oh, certainly!
[Alonzo _takes_ Augustus _to one side of stage_. Stumpy _and_ Alphonso
_engage in conversation inaudibly at back_.
_Alon._ You know Charlie Gilsey, Augustus?
_Aug._ Charlie Gilsey, that belongs to our club?
_Alon._ Yes.
_Aug._ I know him well--he owes me a dollar.
_Alon._ Well, Charlie went on a regular old hurrah, the other night.
Got blind drunk, stole door-knobs and area gates, and he got run in by
the cops. Took him to the Tombs to await his trial. You see, it was an
awful disgrace. Charlie is one of the first families, when all the rest
are out of town, and it drove him off of his center.
_Aug._ Did what?
_Alon._ Sent him lending out brains. Made him crazy.
_Aug._ Poor fellow!
_Alon._ Oh, it was tough. Well, you know the warden liked Charlie; used
to grub him good. No use, Charlie wouldn’t eat anything. Just the other
day he sent a waiter up with a tray of broiled chicken.
_Aug._ Broiled chicken! oh, yum!
_Alon._ Yes, broiled chicken, with grape sauce. Charlie ups and kicks
the tray clean out of the waiter’s hands. Then he went for the waiter,
hit him under the ear, jumped on him, and so on. The waiter couldn’t
stand it. What do you suppose he did?
_Aug._ What?
_Alon._ Hit him, _so_. [_Slaps_ Augustus’ _face_, Augustus _staggers
back_. Alonzo _cocks hat over his eyes, and struts around stage_.]
_Alon._ ’Nother fellow sold! [_Laughs._
_Aug._ Bully joke!
_Alon._ Yah--yah--yah! You never tumbled.
_Aug._ I say, does that skeleton of Coney Island know anything about
this?
_Alon._ No.
_Aug._ Then watch me slug him. [_Walks back and taps_ Alphonso _on the
shoulder_.] I’d like to see you for a moment, Alphonso; excuse him,
Stumpy.
_Stumpy._ Oh, yes, tell him not to hurry back.
[Augustus _and_ Alphonso _walk over to front of stage_.
_Aug._ You know Charlie Gilsey?
_Alph._ Well; my mother washes for him.
_Aug._ The other night Charlie went out on a corker. Got full of
jig-water, felt uproarious, went around and stole a lot of front doors
and two or three sidewalks. By-and-by the police caught him, locked him
up in the Tombs. The disgrace drove Charlie cranky.
_Alph._ Cranky!
_Aug._ Yes, he went off of his caboose.
_Alph._ Oh, crazy.
_Aug._ Crazy’s the word. Now you know Charlie saw the warden, and the
warden treated Charlie kindly. Yesterday he sent a waiter up to Charlie
with an Erie Canal shad on a tray; Charlie up and kicked the tray out
of the waiter’s hand, and then he began to abuse the waiter; of course
the waiter wouldn’t stand that, and what do you suppose that he done?
_Alph._ What?
_Aug._ Biffed him--so! [_Hits_ Alphonso _a blow on the cheek_. _Biz of
strutting around by_ Augustus.
_Aug._ He bit like a fish. I guess I’ve broke his jaw.
_Alph._ Deuced nice story.
_Aug._ Funny, ain’t it?
_Alph._ Awful; but say, old fellow.
_Aug._ What?
_Alph._ Has the East river ghost heard anything of this?
_Aug._ Not a volume.
_Alph._ Then view me paralyze him. (_Walks over to_ Stumpy.) Say,
Stumpy, I’ve got a funny story to tell you.
_Stumpy._ What about?
_Alph._ Charlie Gilsey. You know Charlie?
_Stumpy._ Oh, yes, he’s one of Bricktop’s pals.
_Alph._ Well, this is a bully story. Make you laugh till you cry.
_Stumpy._ All right, I want to laugh. Spit her out.
_Alph._ You see Charlie went on a jamboree the other night; got full as
a goat on corn rock and whisky. He stole half a dozen hand-carts and a
grocery store, and the police collared him. Poor Charlie was locked up
in the Tombs. You know he was always awful sensitive.
_Stumpy._ Oh, awful! You never had to call him a liar over six times
before he would ask you what you meant.
_Alph._ Well, the disgrace of the thing muddled his brain box.
_Stumpy._ Sorter give him the jim-jams in his head.
_Alph._ Just so. But the warden was a friend of his, and tried to do
all he could for him. Yesterday he sent a waiter up with a pickled
ham on a tray for Charlie. Charlie ups and kicks it off. What do you
suppose the waiter did?
_Stumpy._ Eat the ham.
_Alph._ No; he slugged Charlie, so. (_Hits_ Stumpy. _Same biz as
before._)
_Alph._ Caught him again. I must have broke his ear.
_Stumpy._ Tell me some more; real nice story.
_Alph._ Grand joke, ain’t it?
_Stumpy._ Immense; but say, Hannah Rothschild, does that bald-headed
child-killer over there know the racket?
_Alph._ No; I’ve given it to you first.
_Stumpy._ Oh, ho! Strawberries and cream. Gaze upon me part his hair.
(_Walks over to_ Alonzo.) Say, old Morgue, I want to see you for five
or six years.
_Alon._ What for?
_Stumpy._ You know Charlie Gilsey?
_Alon._ Charlie Gilsey, the alderman’s niece?
_Stumpy._ That’s the cake.
_Alon._ Oh, I know him well.
_Stumpy._ I’ve got a tip-top joke to give you about him.
_Alon._ You don’t say.
_Stumpy._ Sure. You see Charlie got off on a screecher last week. Got
crammed full of bottle-stuffing. Oh, he got as drunk as a senator.
He went on a racket and stole a hotel and an elevated railroad and a
freight car, and some little things like that. He got arrested. Judge
made it two years. It broke Charlie’s heart. He wasn’t used to getting
more than six months at a time, and he got rats in his garret.
_Alon._ Did what?
_Stumpy._ Went off his nut--crazy.
_Alon._ Ah, I see.
_Stumpy._ You see, the warden was a friend of his, and he tried to
do all that he could for poor Charlie. Bought a piano and a washing
machine, and furnished up his room elegantly. Didn’t do any good.
Charlie kept crazy. Yesterday the warden sent a waiter up with a tray
containing a whole hog and some custard pie, and stewed whale, and some
more little delicacies. Charlie up and kicked the waiter out of the
tray’s hand.
_Alon._ Go ’way!
_Stumpy._ It’s so. But worse yet--Charlie went for the waiter.
_Alon._ Went for the waiter?
_Stumpy._ Terrible case. Hit him with the piano, jumped on his
nose--oh, raised the devil. And what do you suppose the waiter did in
return?
_Alon._ Struck him--so! [_Raps_ Stumpy _on the face and knocks him
over. All of the other characters go for_ Stumpy _and knock him around
the stage. Flats close on general melee._
McFLYNN’S APPOINTMENT.
Irish Sketch in One Scene.