SCENE--_Under the Colonnade of the Hôtel Grande Bretagne,
Bellagio. CULCHARD is sitting by one of the pillars, engaged
in constructing a sonnet. On a neighbouring seat a group of
smart people are talking over their acquaintances, and near
them is another visitor, a Mr. CRAWLEY STRUTT, who is
watching his opportunity to strike into the conversation._
_Mrs. Hurlingham._ Well, she'll _be_ Lady CHESEPARE some day, when
anything happens to the old Earl. He was looking quite ghastly when we
were down at SKYMPINGS last. But they're frightfully badly off _now_,
poor dears! Lady DRIBLETT lets them have her house in Park Lane for
parties and that--but it's wonderful how they live at all!
[Illustration: "I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called
the _Penny Patrician_?"]
_Colonel Sandown._ He looked pretty fit at the Rag the other day. Come
across the SENLACS anywhere? Thought Lady SENLAC was going abroad this
year.
_Mr. Crawley Strutt._ Hem--I saw it mentioned in the _Penny Patrician_
that her Ladyship had--
_Mrs. Hurl._ (_without taking the slightest notice of him_). She's
just been marryin' her daughter, you know--rather a good match, too.
Not what I call pretty,--smart-lookin', that's all. But then her
_sister_ wasn't pretty till she married.
_Col. Sand._ Nice family she married into! Met her father-in-law, old
Lord BLETHERHAM, the other morning, at a chemist's in Piccadilly--he'd
dropped in there for a pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' chemist
all the troubles he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way they
did, and that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's like
that--fond of the vine!
_Mr. C.S._ Er--er--it's becoming a very serious thing, Sir, the way
our aristocracy is deteriorating, is it not?
_Col. S._ Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? Haven't seen a
paper for days.
_Mr. C.S._ I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, their general
goings on, I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the
_Penny Patrician_? I take it in regularly, and I assure _you_--loyal
supporter of our old hereditary institutions as I am--some of the
revelations I read about in high life make me blush--yes, downright
_blush_ for them! [_Mrs. HURLINGHAM retires._
_Col. S._ Do they, though? If I were you I should let 'em do their own
blushin', and save my pennies.
_Mr. C.S._ (_deferentially_). No doubt you're right, Sir, but I _like_
the _Patrician_ myself--it's very smartly written. Talking of that,
do you happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young Lord
GOSLINGTON's? Something very mysterious about the party he's going to
marry--who _are_ her people now?
_Col. S._ Can't say, I'm sure--no business of mine, you know.
_Mr. C.S._ There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. It's the
business of everybody--the _duty_, I may say--to see that the best
blood of the nation is not--(_Col. S. turns into the hotel; Mr. C.S.
sits down near CULCH._)--Remarkably superior set of visitors staying
here, Sir! My chief objection to travel always is, that it brings
you in contact with parties you wouldn't think of associating with at
home. I was making that same remark to a very pleasant little fellow
I met on the steamer--er--Lord UPPERSOLE, I think it was--and he
entirely concurred. Your friend made us acquainted.--(_PODBURY comes
out of the hotel._)--Ah, here _is_ your friend.--(_To PODB._)--Seen
his Lordship about lately, Sir?--Lord UPPERSOLE, I _mean_, of course!
_Podb._ UPPERSOLE? No--he's over at Cadenabbia, I believe.
_Mr. C.S._ A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, I've some idea
myself of--Exceedingly pleasant person his Lordship--so affable, so
completely the gentleman!
_Podb._ Oh, he's affable enough--for a boot-maker. I always give him a
title when I see him, for the joke of the thing--he likes it.
_Mr. C.S._ He _may_, Sir. I consider a title is not a thing to be
treated in that light manner. It--it was an unpardonable liberty to
force me into the society of that class of person--unpardonable, Sir!
[_He goes._
_Podb._ Didn't take much _forcing_, after he once heard me call him
"Lord UPPERSOLE"! Where are all the others, eh? Thought we were going
up to the Villa Serbelloni this afternoon.
_Culch._ I--er--have not been consulted. Are they--er--_all_ going?
[_With a shade of anxiety._
_Podb._ I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. HYPATIA won't
have the chance of ragging you now--she and Miss TROTTER have had a
bit of a breeze.
_Culch._ I rather gathered as much. I think I could guess the--
_Podb._ Yes, HYPATIA's rather uneasy about poor old BOB; thinks Miss
TROTTER is--well, carrying on, you know. She is no end of a little
flirt--_you_ know that well enough!--(_C. disclaims impatiently._)
Here you all are, eh?--(_To Miss P., Miss T., and BOB._)--Well, who
knows the way up to the villa?
_Miss T._ It's through the town, and up some steps by the church--you
cann't miss it. But Mr. PRENDERGAST is going to show me a short cut up
behind the hotel--aren't you, Mr. PRENDERGAST?
_Miss P._ (_icily_). I really think, dear, it would be better if we
all kept together--for so _many_ reasons!
_Culch._ (_with alacrity_). I agree with Miss PRENDERGAST. A short cut
is invariably the most indirect route.
_Miss P._ (_with intention_). You hear what Mr. CULCHARD says, my dear
MAUD? He advocates direct ways, as best in the long run.
_Miss T._ It's only going to be a short run, my love. But I'm vurry
glad to observe that you and Mr. CULCHARD are so perfectly harmonious,
as I'm leaving him on your hands for a spell. Aren't you ever coming,
Mr. PRENDERGAST?
[_She leads him off, a not unwilling captive._
_A PATH IN THE GROUNDS OF THE VILLA SERBELLONI._
_Podb._ (_considerately, to CULCHARD, who is following Miss
PRENDERGAST and him, in acute misery_). Look here, old fellow, Miss
PRENDERGAST would like to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about
keeping with us if you'd rather _not_, you know!
[_CULCHARD murmurs an inarticulate protest._
_Miss P._ Surely, Mr. PODBURY, you are aware by this time that Mr.
CULCHARD has a perfect mania for self-sacrifice!
[_CULCHARD drops behind, crushed._
_AMONG THE RUINS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL._
_Culch._ (_who has managed to overtake Miss T. and her companion_).
Now _do_ oblige me by looking through that gap in the pines towards
Lecco. I particularly wish you to observe the effect of light on those
cliffs--it's well worth your while.
_Miss T._ Why, certainly, it's a view that does you infinite credit.
Oh, you _didn't_ take any hand in the arrangement? But ain't you
afraid if you go around patting the scenery on the head this way,
you'll have the lake overflow?
_Bob. P._ Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for _you_, CULCHARD!
_Culch._ (_with dignity_). Surely one may express a natural enthusiasm
without laying oneself open--?
_Miss T._ Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't want to show your
enthusiasm _that_ way--like a Japanese nobleman!
_Culch._ (_to himself_). Now that's coarse--_really_
coarse!--(_Aloud._)--I seem to be unable to open my mouth now without
some ridiculous distortion--
_Miss T._ My!--but that's a serious symptom--isn't it? You don't feel
like you were going to have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. CULCHARD?
[_CULCHARD falls back to the rear once more. Later--Mr.
VAN BOODELER has joined the party; HYPATIA has contrived
to detach her brother, CULCHARD has sought refuge with
PODBURY._
_Miss T._ (_to VAN B._). So that's what kept you? "Well, it sounds
just too enchanting. But I cann't answer for what Miss PRENDERGAST
will say to it. It mayn't suit her notions of propriety.
_Mr. Van B._ I expect she'll be superior to Britannic prejudices of
that kind. I consider your friend a highly cultivated and charming
lady, MAUD. She produces that impression upon me.
_Miss T._ I presume, from that, she has shown an intelligent interest
in the great American novel?
_Mr. Van B._ Why, yes; it enlists her literary sympathies--she sees
all its possibilities.
_Miss T._ And they're pretty numerous, too. But here she comes. You'd
better tell her your plan right now.
_Miss P._ (_in an earnest undertone to BOB, as they approach,
followed by CULCH. and BOB_). You _must_ try and be sensible about
it, BOB; if _you_ are too blind to see that she is only--
BOB (_sulkily_). All _right_! Haven't I _said_ I'd go? What's the good
of _jawing_ about it?
_Mr. V.B._ (_to Miss P._) I've been telling my cousin I've been
organising a little water-party for this evening--moonlight,
mandolins, Menaggio. If you find that alliteration has any
attractions, I hope you and your brother will do me the pleasure of--
_Miss P._ I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our packing to do. We
find we shall have to leave early to-morrow.
[_Van B.'s face falls; BOB listens gloomily to_ Miss T.'s
rather perfunctory expressions of regret; PODBURY looks
anxious and undecided; CULCHARD does his best to control an
unseemly joy._
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