Begin by explaining the situation, thus:--"This is supposed to be spoken
by a Loompshire cottager, who overhears a stranger admiring the goodly
proportions of his goose,"--then start with as broad a drawl as you can
assume. Remember that to be effective you must be unintelligible.
[Illustration]
"Bewty," I 'ears ya carl her?--aye, ya niver spooke truthfuller wurred!
Rammack t' coontry side ovver, an ya weaent see no foiner burred!
Passon he axed ma to sell her--but I towld him, "Beaent o' naw use--
She's as mooch of a Chris'en as moaest," I sez, "if she's nobbut a guse!"
Coom, then!
(_This coaxingly, to an imaginary bird--be careful not to seem to make
any invidious distinctions among your audience._)
... Naaey, but she wunna! she's gotten a wull of her oaen!
Loook at the heye of her,--pink an' greey, loike t'fire in a hopal
stoaen!
Howsiver she sims sa hinnercent-loike, she's a follerin' arl I saaey:
An' I boaert 'er at Kettleby Feaer, I did, two yeaer coom Cannelmas Daaey.
Araminta her neaeme is--but I carls 'er "Minty," fur shoaert,
She weaent naw moor nor a goslin' o' coorse, what taime she wur boaert:
But a' knawed she'd turn oot a rare 'un, to jedge by her weeight an'
feael,
An' I reckoned to fat her by Michaelmas Eve, ef I buzzled 'er oop wi
meael,
Mayhappen ya'll ardly beleaeve ma--but she unnerstood fra' the fust,
What wur hexpected of 'er, (_with a senile chuckle_,) I thowt that
burr'd 'ud ha' bust!
Cram her, a' did! but she swuckered it doon, wi' niver a weaested drop,
Fur she tuk that hinterest in it as she'd ruther ha' choaeked nor stop!
An' she'd foller wheeriver a went--till I hedn't naw peaece fur t' foaek,
"'Ere be TAMMY long of his sweetart!" wur hallus the village joaek!
An' I'd saaey: "'Tis ma Michaelmas denner _I'm_ squirin' aboot, owd chap!"
An' Minty she'd stan' up a' tiptoe, an' fluther her neck, an' flap!
Did I 'appen to gaw of a hevenin, to loook at ma hinion patch?
Minty 'ud coom in along o' meae, an' rarstle aboot, an' scratch,
Cocking her heye at the bed o' saaege, with a kink as mooch as to saaey:
"Wull the saaege an' th' hinions be ready fur _meae_, by toime I be ready
for theey?"
Or she'd snifter at arl the windfalls as ligged i' the horchard graaess,
_I_ knawed what she wur erfter, a did--she wur pickin' 'em oot for the
saaess!
An' I'd roob ma ands fur to see her a ploddlin' across th' roaerd,
(_Tenderly._) "Thee'll mak' a denner, ma pratty," I'd saaey to her, "fit
fur a loaerd!"
Maaein an' boolky she wur as Michaelmas week coom nigh,
"Her'll niver not bulge naw bigger," I sez, "an she art fur to die!"
I knawed she wur doitlin' soomwheer by the pasture under t' moor,
Sa I fetched the chopper an' fettled 'im oop--an' I went fur to do 'er!
(_Grimly._)
An' I chillupped to Araminty, an' oop she rins with a clack,
"Seeae what I've gotten to show 'ee," I sez, (wi' the chopper behind ma
back)
But I looked sa straaenge an callow, she knawed I wur meanin' 'er ill,
An' she kep a sidlin' an' edgin' awaaey, an' a gaaepin' wi' hopen bill!
Then I maaede a grab at her sooden--an' she skirtled off to a feaeld,
Wheer Squire had been diggin' fur fireclaaey--eh, but she yellocked
an' beaeled!
Cloppity-joggle I chaaesed her, sa well as I cud, bein' laaeme,
An' flippity-flopper she kep' on ahead--an' a' squawked out "Shaaeme!"
(_The Amateur Reciter should find little difficulty here in suggesting
something of the intonation of a frightened goose: Pause--then
continue apologetically._)
I wur haaef asheaemed o' mysen' I wur, afoor I coom to the hend,
(_Remorsefully._) "Ye owd ongreaetful guzzard," I thowt, "to gaw killin'
ya hoaenly friend!"
But ma friend wur a Michaelmas denner tew as I hedn't naw art to refuse!
(_More remorsefully._) An' it maaede me seeae what a gowk I'd beeaen to ha'
gotten sa thick with a guse!
Sa I danged 'er well as I slummocked on, as ard as ma legs cud stoomp,
"Waaeit till I gets tha, ma laaedy!" I sez,--when, arl on a
sooden ... Boomp!
--An I wur a sprawlin' an' floppin' in wan of the owd Squire's pits,
But fur t' claaey at t' bottom an' that, I mout ha bin brokken to bits!
An' I roared fur 'elp, fur I cudn't git up, an' the watter wur oop to
my chin.
But nobbudy eerd ma a' beaelin', nor thowt on the hole I wur in!
They'd niver find nawthin but boaens, I knawed, if they'd iver the
gumption to dredge,
Then I groaened (_impressively_)--fur I eerd Araminty a tooklin' 'oop
by the edge!
(_Sulky sarcasm._) "Wunnerful funny, beaent it?" I sez, (I wur feaelin'
fit for to choaek.
To be catched loike a bee in a bottle--an' see her enjyin' the joaek!)
(_Indignantly._) "Hevn't ya naw moor manners," I sez, "ya greaet fat
himpident thing!"
(_Pathetically._) Fur I'd bred her oop from a goslin', I had--and theer
wur the sting!
Well, she left ma aloaen at laaest, an' I hedn't a mossel o' hoaepe--
When by coom HARRY the hedger, an a' hoickt ma oop with a roaepe!
"Shudn't ha' heerd 'ee, TAMMAS," he sez, "or knawed as owt wur t'
matter--
Ef it hedn't ha bin fur yon guse o' thine, as coom an raaeised sech
a clatter.
An' drawed ma hon in spite o' mysen--till I moinded the hopen shaaeft!"
(_Catch your breath, then brokenly._) Aye, Minty wur saaevin ma life oop
theer--when I wur a thinkin' she laaeft!
Then I rooshed fur to catch her to coodle and gie her a greaetful kiss--
Eh, but I right down bloobered (_with pained surprise_)--fur she scatted
awaaey with a hiss!
"Weaen't niver 'urt 'ee ageaen!" I sez, "if thee'll hoaenly forgit what's
past!"
She wur raaere an' stiff fur a bit, she wur--but
(_with a doddering complacency_) I maaede her coom round at last!
An' I had ma Michaelmas denner the saaeme--an' a arty good denner he wur!
Sat down coompany, tew--fur I cudn't ha' done without _her_!
What did we maaeke a meael on? (_Shamefaced confusion here, expressed by
scratching the head._) Well,--happen thee'll think me a haaess--
But I'll tell 'ee: (_with candour_) I dined wi Minty on the stooffin'
an happle saaess!
(_Retire without ostentation, to have your jaw set at the nearest
Surgeon's._)
* * * * *
SCARCELY WORTH WHILE.--For some personal remarks on the Prince of WALES,
utterly gratuitous and in the worst possible taste, the _P. M. G._, as
we hear, has been dropped by the Service Clubs, and subsequently by the
Turf. As a mark of strong disapprobation this was right enough, but if
it was intended as a punishment which would inflict loss, we are
inclined to think such boycotting may have had exactly the contrary
effect. How happy was THACKERAY'S title "_The Pall Mall Gazette_ written
by gentlemen for gentlemen!" If it is not so now, what have we got
in-STEAD?
* * * * *
Philosophy at the Popping Crease.
"The glorious uncertainty?" why, to be sure
That it _must_ be the slowest should see at a glance,
For Cricket, as long as the sport shall endure,
_Must_ be in its nature a mere game of chance.
"'Tis all pitch and toss;" one can show it is so;--
'Tisn't science or strength rules its losses or winnings.
Half depends on the "pitch"--of the wickets, you know,
The rest on the "toss"--for first innings.
* * * * *
"GOOD BUSINESS."--An advertiser in the _Daily Chronicle_ of the 12th
inst., has not a bad idea of a fair profit:--
BABY-CARRIAGE Bassinette, unsoiled; 4 rubber-wheels,
carriage-springs, reversible hood, handsome rug, complete, L27; cost
L4 10_s._, last month. Mrs. W.
If "Mrs. W." has not already obtained her price, we sincerely wish she
may get it. She deserves it.
* * * * *
"THE BANCROFT SCHOOL."--On Saturday last Prince ALBERT VICTOR laid the
foundation-stone of the new buildings at Woodford. This sounds promising
for the Theatrical Profession. Of course Mr. BANCROFT will take the male
pupils, and Mrs. BANCROFT will instruct "the Spindle side."
* * * * *
SARAH B. at the Lyceum, under the management of M. MAYER. May 'er season
be successful!
* * * * *
[Illustration: "LE MONDE OU L'ON S'AMUSE."
_She._ "BY THE BYE, I MET YOUR BROTHER AT DINNER LAST NIGHT. SUCH A
DELIGHTFUL PARTY! _SUCH_ A DINNER!! _SUCH_ FLOWERS!!!"
_He._ "INDEED! WHERE _WAS_ IT?"
_She._ "AT THE--A--THE--A----UPON MY WORD, I REALLY _FORGET_ WHOSE
HOUSE IT WAS I WAS DINING AT!"]
* * * * *