A NIGHT IN A POST-OFFICE.
Midnight Mails--Suspected Clerk--A trying Position--Limited
View--A "crack" Agent--Sneezing---"Counter Irritation"--The Night
Bell--Fruitless Speculations--Insect Orchestra--Picolo
introduced--Snoring--Harmless Accident--The Boot-black--A tenanted
Boot--The Exit.
Some years ago, the post-office of a prominent city in Western New
York became involved in a series of mail depredations, and at length
it was apparent that some one of three clerks who had slept in the
office, must be guilty of committing them; but the fastening of the
charge upon the delinquent was a thing yet to be accomplished. By
various processes, the range of suspicion was narrowed down till it
rested upon _one_ of the clerks, and it only remained to get the
_legal_ proof of his guilt.
Packages were missed that were known to have reached the office by the
midnight mails. The clerks took turns in getting up to receive these
mails, each one performing his duty for a week in succession, the one
who for the time attended to it, sleeping on a cot in the post-office
_proper_, and the other two occupying a small apartment at some little
distance from the main office, but connected with it.
It had also been ascertained that the packages were abstracted from a
particular mail-pouch which arrived with many others about midnight,
and remained unassorted till morning. On a certain occasion, when the
suspected clerk was upon duty, an exact description of everything in
that pouch was taken, upon the cars from the West, with the view of
comparing the list of its contents with the post bills which should be
found on the files of the office the following morning, these bills
having heretofore disappeared with the packages.
As I had before this had good reason to know that magistrates and
jurors in that section of the country very properly required pretty
conclusive evidence for conviction in such cases, I determined, in
addition to other expedients, to take the post of private watchman
inside the office, for one night at least, that I might obtain, by
ocular demonstration, sufficient proof against the guilty one, to
satisfy the most incredulous court and jury.
One of the unsuspected clerks was sent away that night, and the other,
in whom I had the utmost confidence, was apprised of my intentions. By
him I was let into the office through a private door, before the
object of our machinations had entered; and I was not long in
selecting a suitable place where I could see without being seen,
behind an open door leading from the post master's private room. This
position could command (through the crack of the door) a fair view of
the aforesaid cot and its occupant.
It was not long before the individual arrived who was to be honored
with my scrutiny during the live-long night; and as he "wrapt the
drapery of his couch about him," I could not avoid making a momentary
comparison between the luxury about to be enjoyed by him, and the
wearisome hours upon which I was entering. Well,
"Some must watch, while some must sleep;
Thus runs the world away."
Sitting in the public stocks,--watching with the body of a person who
has died of some contagious disease,--being cornered by a bore, when
you have an immediate engagement elsewhere,--waiting your turn in a
dentist's office,--all these are somewhat trying to the nerves; but
for a real test of their power of endurance, commend me to a stand
behind a door, between the hours of 10 p. m. and daylight; the
thermometer ranging from 80 upwards, all motion and sound being
forbidden, under the imminent risk of being discovered in your hiding
place, and forced to retreat ignominiously.
This is a faint picture of the situation of the author on the night in
question. Zeal for the public good, and a cracker or two, alone
sustained him through the tedious night watches.
The proverb says that "a great deal can be seen through a small hole."
My sphere of vision, however, was rather limited, embracing only a
portion of the adjoining room, faintly lighted by a hanging lamp, the
cot with its sleeping burden, a table, and the dimly seen tiers of
letter boxes forming a back-ground. Entirely in keeping with this
scene of "still life," was the monotonous buzz of sundry flies of a
rowdyish disposition, who, not content with tickling the noses of
peaceable citizens, and otherwise harassing them during the day, must
needs "keep it up" through the hours devoted to repose by insects of
more steady habits. However, they might have been engaged in the
praiseworthy occupation of soothing one another to rest by their
"drowsy hum," for I myself began to feel its soporific influence, and
to bless "the man who first _in_vented sleep," but anathematize
(inwardly) him who was _pre_venting it.
I was roused from this sleepy condition by a slight irritation in the
Schneiderian membrane; in other words, I began to feel a desire to
sneeze. Now, sneezing is an operation which admits of no compromise.
You must either "go the whole hog," or entirely refrain. Any attempt
to reduce the force of the explosion is as unavailing as was the
Irishman's effort to "fire aizy" when he was touching off the cannon.
So the annoying inclination must be nipped in the bud, if I wished to
preserve my secrecy inviolate, and prove that I was "up to _snuff_."
Accordingly I called to mind (as far as I was able) and practised all
the expedients of which I had ever heard, besides others entirely
original, for allaying this titillation. I rubbed the bridge of the
nose; I would have slapped myself on the forehead, had I not feared
the remedy would prove worse than the disease in respect of noise. I
instituted experiments in "counter irritation," by pulling my hair,
pinching my ear, and thus diverting attention from the rebellious
organ; and finally I succeeded in subduing this refractory member. The
uneasiness I felt lest, after all, I should be compelled to wake the
echoes of the building, as well as other more tangible creations, were
in some degree dispelled by several hearty snores which proceeded from
the sleeper, and, like the guns which announce the arrival of a vessel
in port, gave evidence that he had arrived in the land of dreams.
Under the cover of this "_feu de joie_," I dispatched a cracker (not a
fire-cracker) which I happened to have in my pocket, as my inner man
began to feel the effects of my unwonted position and consequent
weariness.
At about midnight, a sudden peal of the bell, pulled by the mail
carrier, at a back door, aroused the sleeper, who started up, went to
the door and received the mail, and, after a little delay, returned to
his bed, not, however, to sleep as quietly as before, as he often
rolled over from side to side, occasionally uttering a groan.
Having nothing better to do, I speculated on the cause of these
phenomena. They might be owing, first, to heat, second, to a
disordered stomach, or third, to an uneasy conscience.
As to the first of these supposed causes, it seemed improbable that
his recent visit to the door in a very airy costume, should have had
any tendency to increase the animal heat; and as regarded the second
theory, my knowledge of his dietetic habits was too limited to furnish
me with data for anything like an argument. If his short delay at the
door after receiving the mail bags, was produced by any cause for
which conscience might properly goad him, the last hypothesis might be
correct,--but on the whole I was obliged to follow the example of
many profounder theorists, and confess that I didn't know much about
the matter.
[Illustration]
A combination of the stomach and conscience suppositions, might be an
adequate solution of the question, for the slender salary of a
post-office clerk hardly sufficed for more than three meals a day, and
the inference from these premises would be rather easy that a fourth
must have been at the public expense.
Here my reflections came to an untimely end, for the insect orchestra,
of whose performances I have spoken, was reinforced by the addition of
a picolo, in the shape of one of those minute specimens of creation
commonly called mosquito, whose note, "most musical, most melancholy,"
blended with the trombone of the blue bottle fly in a manner rather
more curious than pleasing. And the different sounds produced by these
insects were no less unlike than their modes of approaching their
victims; the latter, with bull-headed obstinacy, bouncing against your
face in a blundering way, with apparently no particular object
excepting that of making himself generally disagreeable, while the
former, lighting upon you as delicately as a snow flake, proceeds with
admirable promptitude and definiteness of purpose to take out his
lancet, and, like some never-failing humorist, is always "in the
vein."
The tones of this insect Æolian rose and fell for a little time at a
distance, but I was speedily aware of its presence in immediate
proximity to my ear, and apparently making a tour of observation
around my head, whereupon I commenced a blind sort of defence by
flourishing my hands as noiselessly as possible round the region
invaded, to as little purpose, however, as the attack of regular
troops upon a body of Indians; for in a moment the music ceased, and I
felt the sharp prick which informed me that I was hit, and I
instinctively inflicted an energetic slap upon the spot, by which my
enemy was extinguished, and one bill at least effectually cancelled.
This result was not attained without a report, which so violently
broke the silence, that I stood for a moment in breathless suspense,
fearing that the sound would penetrate into the realms of Morpheus,
and that thus I might pay too dearly for my triumph. But the sleeper
"made no sign," and I was again left to my solitary musings.
A small pistol which I had observed my sleeping friend place under his
head, on going to bed, did not tend to increase the comforts of my
position, for since he had become so restless, the thought passed
through my mind that he might have heard some suspicious noise in my
direction, and was feigning sleep, while on the watch for its
repetition. If this were the case, the discovery of a supernumerary on
the premises, might lead to a hasty assault on the supposed midnight
prowler, and also a more rapid transfer of the contents of the pistol
to me than would be either agreeable or wholesome, before I could
offer any reasonable explanation for my presence behind the door at
such an unseasonable hour.
After a while, however, a renewal of the snoring, which was
occasionally echoed by the occupant of the adjoining room, assured me
of the absence of belligerent intentions, and the buzzing of the flies
before mentioned, with the ticking of a clock in the office, were the
only additional sounds that broke upon the silence.
About two o'clock, a slight accident occurred to me, which, however,
did no harm. In reaching for a pitcher of water that stood on the
table near by, I knocked off a book, which must have been poised on
the corner of the table. I immediately imitated, by scratching, the
gnawing of a rat in the wall, so that if the falling of the book had
aroused the sleeper, he would have attributed both the noises to the
imaginary animal.
But few sounds outside the building were heard, save the occasional
drunken shout of some votary of Bacchus, reeling home to disgrace his
family with his presence; and the measured strokes of the city clocks,
as they told off the long, long hours.
But the most ludicrous circumstance happened just about
daylight,--that is, daylight outside, for within the office it was
still dark, as all the blinds were closed. I was startled by a sudden
rap on the door of the post master's room which opened into the main
hall, soon followed by another even more energetic. The clerk in the
bed-room jumped from his bed and passed by me to open the door.
Fearing that I should be discovered, I darted into the bed-room
without his knowledge, and before he had returned. The truth is, he
was not more than half awake, and had forgotten me entirely. He had
admitted a colored man to get the boots which required his polishing
touch, and then returned to bed again.
This gentleman of color, who by the way proved to be a trusty porter
employed in several of the offices in the building, proceeded first to
the side of the cot to get the boots there, and then made for the
bed-room, into which I had retreated. In feeling about the floor to
find the remaining "leathern conveniences," he seized one of mine!
"I've got my foot in it now," thought I; but by a gentle and dexterous
movement I succeeded in withdrawing the exposed covering from his
partial grasp, without his discovering the existence of a leg within.
Whether it was fright at the touch of the tenanted boot, or something
else, that made him leave the premises so suddenly, I have never been
fully satisfied. I went out myself soon after, leaving both clerks
sound asleep.
What occurred on that night beyond that which I have already
described, or how the investigation terminated, I am confident the
reader will not insist upon knowing, when I assure him that there are
special reasons, affecting public as well as private interests, why I
should make no further disclosures.
Though this was not the last night which I have spent in post-offices
for similar purposes, yet I have never repeated the experiment under
circumstances requiring quite so severe restraints, and such
abridgment of personal liberty.