_Enter_ Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT, _in fine clothes_, DAPPERWIT
_and_ Mrs. MARTHA, _unseen by him at the door._
_Sir Sim._ Well, after all my seeking, I can find those I would not
find; I'm sure 'twas old Gripe, and Joyner with him, and the widow
followed. He would not have been here, but to have sought his daughter,
sure; but vigilant Dapperwit has spied them too, and has, no doubt,
secured her from him.
_Dap._ And you. [_Aside._
_Sir Sim._ The rogue is as good at hiding, as I am at stealing, a
mistress. 'Tis a vain, conceited fellow, yet I think 'tis an honest
fellow:--but, again, he is a damnable whoring fellow; and what
opportunity this air and darkness may incline 'em to, Heaven knows;
for I have heard the rogue say himself, a lady will no more show her
modesty in the dark than a Spaniard his courage.
_Dap._ Ha! ha! ha!--
_Sir Sim._ Nay, if you are there, my true friend, I'll forgive your
hearkening, if you'll forgive my censures.--I speak to you, dear Madam
Martha; dear, dear--behold your worthy knight--
_Mrs. Mar._ That's far from neighbours.
_Sir Sim._ Is come to reap the fruit of his labours.
_Mrs. Mar._ I cannot see the knight; well, but I'm sure I hear Jonas.
_Sir Sim._ I am no Jonas, Mrs. Martha.
_Mrs. Mar._ The night is not so dark, nor the peruke so big, but I can
discern Jonas.
_Sir Sim._ Faith and troth, I am the very Sir Simon Addleplot that is
to marry you; the same Dapperwit solicited you for; ask him else, my
name is not Jonas.
_Mrs. Mar._ You think my youth and simplicity capable of this cheat;
but let me tell you, Jonas, 'tis not your borrowed clothes and titles
shall make me marry my father's man.
_Sir Sim._ Borrowed title! I'll be sworn I bought it of my laundress,
who was a court-laundress; but, indeed, my clothes I have not paid for;
therefore, in that sense, they are borrowed.
_Mrs. Mar._ Prithee, Jonas, let the jest end, or I shall be presently
in earnest.
_Sir Sim._ Pray, be in earnest, and let us go; the parson and supper
stay for us, and I am a knight in earnest.
_Mrs. Mar._ You a knight! insolent, saucy fool.
_Sir Sim._ The devil take me, Mrs. Martha, if I am not a knight now!
a knight-baronet too! A man ought, I see, to carry his patent in his
pocket when he goes to be married; 'tis more necessary than a licence.
I am a knight indeed and indeed now, Mrs. Martha.
_Mrs. Mar._ Indeed and indeed, the trick will not pass, Jonas.
_Sir Sim._ Poor wretch! she's afraid she shall not be a lady.--Come,
come, discover the intrigue, Dapperwit.
_Mrs. Mar._ You need not discover the intrigue, 'tis apparent already.
Unworthy Mr. Dapperwit, after my confidence reposed in you, could you
be so little generous as to betray me to my father's man? but I'll be
even with you.
_Sir Sim._ Do not accuse him, poor man! before you hear him.--Tell her
the intrigue, man.
_Dap._ A pox! she will not believe us.
_Sir Sim._ Will you not excuse yourself? but I must not let it rest
so.--Know, then, Mrs. Martha--
_Mrs. Mar._ Come, I forgive thee before thy confession, Jonas; you
never had had the confidence to have designed this cheat upon me but
from Mr. Dapperwit's encouragement--'twas his plot.
_Sir Sim._ Nay, do not do me that wrong, madam.
_Mrs. Mar._ But since he has trepanned me out of my father's house, he
is like to keep me as long as I live; and so good night, Jonas.
_Sir Sim._ Hold, hold, what d'ye mean both? prithee tell her I am Sir
Simon, and no Jonas.
_Dap._ A pox! she will not believe us, I tell you.
_Sir Sim._ I have provided a supper and parson at Mulberry-garden, and
invited all my friends I could meet in the Park.
_Dap._ Nay, rather than they shall be disappointed, there shall be
a bride and bridegroom to entertain 'em; Mrs. Martha and I will go
thither presently.
_Sir Sim._ Why, shall she be your bride?
_Dap._ You see she will have it so.
_Sir Sim._ Will you make Dapperwit your husband?
_Mrs. Mar._ Rather than my father's man.
_Sir Sim._ Oh, the devil!
_Mrs. Mar._ Nay, come along, Jonas, you shall make one at the wedding,
since you helped to contrive it.
_Sir Sim._ Will you cheat yourself, for fear of being cheated?
_Mrs. Mar._ I am desperate now.
_Sir Sim._ Wilt thou let her do so ill a thing, Dapperwit, as to marry
thee? open her eyes, prithee, and tell her I am a true knight.
_Dap._ 'Twould be in vain, by my life! you have carried yourself so like
a natural clerk--and so adieu, good Jonas. [_Exeunt_ Mrs. MARTHA _and_
DAPPERWIT.
_Sir Sim._ What! ruined by my own plot, like an old cavalier! yet like
him, too, I will plot on still, a plot of prevention. So! I have
it--her father was here even now, I'm sure; well--I'll go tell her
father of her, that I will!
And punish so her folly and his treachery:
Revenge is sweet, and makes amends for lechery.
[_Exit._