Without waiting for your answer to my last, I proceed to give you an
account of our journey to London, which has not been wholly barren of
adventure. Tuesday last the ‘squire took his place in a hired coach and
four, accompanied by his sister and mine, and Mrs Tabby’s maid, Winifrid
Jenkins, whose province it was to support Chowder on a cushion in
her lap. I could scarce refrain from laughing when I looked into the
vehicle, and saw that animal sitting opposite to my uncle, like any
other passenger. The squire, ashamed of his situation, blushed to the
eyes: and, calling to the postilions to drive on, pulled the glass up in
my face. I, and his servant, John Thomas, attended them on horseback.
Nothing worth mentioning occurred, till we arrived on the edge of
Marlborough Downs. There one of the four horses fell, in going down
hill at a round trot; and the postilion behind, endeavouring to stop
the carriage, pulled it on one side into a deep rut, where it was fairly
overturned. I had rode on about two hundred yards before; but, hearing
a loud scream, galloped back and dismounted, to give what assistance
was in my power. When I looked into the coach, I could see nothing
distinctly, but the nether end of Jenkins, who was kicking her heels and
squalling with great vociferation. All of a sudden, my uncle thrust
up his bare pate, and bolted through the window, as nimble as a
grasshopper, having made use of poor Win’s posteriors as a step to rise
in his ascent--The man (who had likewise quitted his horse) dragged this
forlorn damsel, more dead than alive, through the same opening. Then
Mr Bramble, pulling the door off its hinges with a jerk, laid hold
on Liddy’s arm, and brought her to the light; very much frighted, but
little hurt. It fell to my share to deliver our aunt Tabitha, who had
lost her cap in the struggle, and being rather more than half frantic,
with rage and terror, was no bad representation of one of the sister
Furies that guard the gates of hell--She expressed no sort of concern
for her brother, who ran about in the cold, without his periwig, and
worked with the most astonishing agility, in helping to disentangle
the horses from the carriage: but she cried, in a tone of distraction,
‘Chowder! Chowder! my dear Chowder! my poor Chowder is certainly
killed!’
This was not the case--Chowder, after having tore my uncle’s leg in the
confusion of the fall, had retreated under the scat, and from thence the
footman drew him by the neck; for which good office, he bit his fingers
to the bone. The fellow, who is naturally surly, was so provoked at this
assault, that he saluted his ribs with a hearty kick, exclaiming, ‘Damn
the nasty son of a bitch, and them he belongs to!’ A benediction,
which was by no means lost upon the implacable virago his mistress--Her
brother, however, prevailed upon her to retire into a peasant’s house,
near the scene of action, where his head and hers were covered, and poor
Jenkins had a fit. Our next care was to apply some sticking plaister to
the wound in his leg, which exhibited the impression of Chowder’s teeth;
but he never opened his lips against the delinquent--Mrs Tabby, alarmed
at this scene, ‘You say nothing, Matt (cried she); but I know your
mind--I know the spite you have to that poor unfortunate animal! I know
you intend to take his life away!’ ‘You are mistaken, upon my honour!
(replied the squire, with a sarcastic smile) I should be incapable
of harbouring any such cruel design against an object so amiable and
inoffensive; even if he had not the happiness to be your favourite.’
John Thomas was not so delicate. The fellow, whether really alarmed for
his life, or instigated by the desire of revenge, came in, and bluntly
demanded, that the dog should be put to death; on the supposition, that
if ever he should run mad hereafter, he, who had been bit by him, would
be infected--My uncle calmly argued upon the absurdity of his opinion,
observing, that he himself was in the same predicament, and would
certainly take the precaution he proposed, if he was not sure he ran no
risque of infection. Nevertheless, Thomas continued obstinate; and, at
length declared, that if the dog was not shot immediately, he himself
would be his executioner--This declaration opened the flood-gates of
Tabby’s eloquence, which would have shamed the first-rate oratress of
Billingsgate. The footman retorted in the same stile; and the squire
dismissed him from his service, after having prevented me from giving
him a good horse-whipping for his insolence.
The coach being adjusted, another difficulty occurred--Mrs Tabitha
absolutely refused to enter it again, unless another driver could
be found to take the place of the postilion; who, she affirmed, had
overturned the carriage from malice aforethought--After much dispute,
the man resigned his place to a shabby country fellow, who undertook to
go as far as Marlborough, where they could be better provided; and at
that place we arrived about one O’clock, without farther impediment. Mrs
Bramble, however, found new matter of offence; which, indeed, she has a
particular genius for extracting at will from almost every incident in
life. We had scarce entered the room at Marlborough, where we stayed to
dine, when she exhibited a formal complaint against the poor fellow who
had superseded the postilion. She said he was such a beggarly rascal
that he had ne’er a shirt to his back, and had the impudence to shock
her sight by shewing his bare posteriors, for which act of indelicacy
he deserved to be set in the stocks. Mrs Winifred Jenkins confirmed the
assertion, with respect to his nakedness, observing, at the same time,
that he had a skin as fair as alabaster.
‘This is a heinous offence, indeed (cried my uncle) let us hear what the
fellow has to say in his own vindication.’ He was accordingly summoned,
and made his appearance, which was equally queer and pathetic. He seemed
to be about twenty years of age, of a middling size, with bandy legs,
stooping shoulders, high forehead, sandy locks, pinking eyes, flat nose,
and long chin--but his complexion was of a sickly yellow; his looks
denoted famine, and the rags that he wore could hardly conceal
what decency requires to be covered--My uncle, having surveyed him
attentively, said, with an ironical expression in his countenance, ‘An’t
you ashamed, fellow, to ride postilion without a shirt to cover your
backside from the view of the ladies in the coach?’ ‘Yes, I am, an
please your noble honour (answered the man) but necessity has no law,
as the saying is--And more than that, it was an accident. My breeches
cracked behind, after I had got into the saddle’ ‘You’re an impudent
varlet (cried Mrs Tabby) for presuming to ride before persons of fashion
without a shirt’--‘I am so, an please your worthy ladyship (said he)
but I am a poor Wiltshire lad--I ha’n’t a shirt in the world, that I can
call my own, nor a rag of clothes, and please your ladyship, but what
you see--I have no friend nor relation upon earth to help me out--I
have had the fever and ague these six months, and spent all I had in the
world upon doctors, and to keep soul and body together; and, saving
your ladyship’s good presence, I han’t broke bread these four and twenty
hours.’
Mrs Bramble, turning from him, said, she had never seen such a filthy
tatterdemalion, and bid him begone; observing, that he would fill the
room full of vermin--Her brother darted a significant glance at her, as
she retired with Liddy into another apartment, and then asked the man if
he was known to any person in Marlborough?--When he answered, that
the landlord of the inn had known him from his infancy; mine host was
immediately called, and being interrogated on the subject, declared that
the young fellow’s name was Humphry Clinker. That he had been a love
begotten babe, brought up in the work-house, and put out apprentice by
the parish to a country black-smith, who died before the boy’s time was
out: that he had for some time worked under his ostler, as a helper and
extra postilion, till he was taken ill of the ague, which disabled him
from getting his bread: that, having sold or pawned every thing he had
in the world for his cure and subsistence, he became so miserable and
shabby, that he disgraced the stable, and was dismissed; but that
he never heard any thing to the prejudice of his character in other
respects. ‘So that the fellow being sick and destitute (said my uncle)
you turned him out to die in the streets.’ ‘I pay the poor’s rate
(replied the other) and I have no right to maintain idle vagrants,
either in sickness or health; besides, such a miserable object would
have brought a discredit upon my house.’
‘You perceive (said the ‘squire, turning to me) our landlord is a
Christian of bowels--Who shall presume to censure the morals of the age,
when the very publicans exhibit such examples of humanity?--Heark ye,
Clinker, you are a most notorious offender--You stand convicted of
sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want--But, as it does not belong to
me to punish criminals, I will only take upon me the task of giving you
a word of advice. Get a shirt with all convenient dispatch, that your
nakedness may not henceforward give offence to travelling gentlewomen,
especially maidens in years.’
So saying, he put a guinea into the hand of the poor fellow, who stood
staring at him in silence, with his mouth wide open, till the landlord
pushed him out of the room.
In the afternoon, as our aunt stept into the coach, she observed, with
some marks of satisfaction, that the postilion, who rode next to
her, was not a shabby wretch like the ragamuffin who had them into
Marlborough. Indeed, the difference was very conspicuous: this was a
smart fellow, with a narrow brimmed hat, with gold cording, a cut bob,
a decent blue jacket, leather-breaches, and a clean linen shirt, puffed
above the waist-band. When we arrived at the Castle, on Spin-hill, where
we lay, this new postilion was remarkably assiduous in bringing in the
loose parcels; and, at length, displayed the individual countenance
of Humphry Clinker, who had metamorphosed himself in this manner, by
relieving from pawn part of his own clothes, with the money he had
received from Mr Bramble.
Howsoever pleased the rest of the company were with such a favourable
change in the appearance of this poor creature it soured on the
stomach of Mrs Tabby, who had not yet digested the affront of his naked
skin--She tossed her nose in disdain, saying, she supposed her brother
had taken him into favour, because he had insulted her with his
obscenity: that a fool and his money were soon parted; but that if Matt
intended to take the fellow with him to London, she would not go a foot
further that way--My uncle said nothing with his tongue, though his
looks were sufficiently expressive; and next morning Clinker did not
appear, so that we proceeded without further altercation to Salthill,
where we proposed to dine--There, the first person that came to the
side of the coach, and began to adjust the footboard, was no other than
Humphry Clinker--When I handed out Mrs Bramble, she eyed him with a
furious look, and passed into the house--My uncle was embarrassed, and
asked him peevishly, what had brought him hither? The fellow said, his
honour had been so good to him, that he had not the heart to part with
him; that he would follow him to the world’s end, and serve him all the
days of his life, without fee or reward.
Mr Bramble did not know whether to chide or laugh at this
declaration--He foresaw much contradiction on the side of Tabby; and
on the other hand, he could not but be pleased with the gratitude of
Clinker, as well as with the simplicity of his character--‘Suppose I
was inclined to take you into my service (said he) what are your
qualifications? what are you good for?’ ‘An please your honour (answered
this original) I can read and write, and do the business of the stable
indifferent well--I can dress a horse, and shoe him, and bleed and rowel
him; and, as for the practice of sow-gelding, I won’t turn my back on
e’er a he in the county of Wilts--Then I can make hog’s puddings and
hob-nails, mend kettles and tin sauce-pans.’--Here uncle burst out
a-laughing; and inquired what other accomplishments he was master of--‘I
know something of single-stick, and psalmody (proceeded Clinker); I can
play upon the jew’s-harp, sing Black-ey’d Susan, Arthur-o’Bradley, and
divers other songs; I can dance a Welsh jig, and Nancy Dawson; wrestle a
fall with any lad of my inches, when I’m in heart; and, under correction
I can find a hare when your honour wants a bit of game.’ ‘Foregad! thou
are a complete fellow (cried my uncle, still laughing) I have a good
mind to take thee into my family--Prithee, go and try if thou can’st
make peace with my sister--Thou ha’st given her much offence by shewing
her thy naked tail.’
Clinker accordingly followed us into the room, cap in hand, where,
addressing himself to Mrs Tabitha, ‘May it please your ladyship’s
worship (cried he) to pardon and forgive my offences, and, with God’s
assistance, I shall take care that my tail shall never rise up in
judgment against me, to offend your ladyship again. Do, pray, good,
sweet, beautiful lady, take compassion on a poor sinner--God bless your
noble countenance; I am sure you are too handsome and generous to bear
malice--I will serve you on my bended knees, by night and by day, by
land and by water; and all for the love and pleasure of serving such an
excellent lady.’
This compliment and humiliation had some effect upon Tabby; but she made
no reply; and Clinker, taking silence for consent, gave his attendance
at dinner. The fellow’s natural aukwardness and the flutter of his
spirits were productive of repeated blunders in the course of his
attendance--At length, he spilt part of a custard upon her right
shoulder; and, starting back, trod upon Chowder, who set up a dismal
howl--Poor Humphry was so disconcerted at this double mistake, that he
dropt the china dish, which broke into a thousand pieces; then, falling
down upon his knees, remained in that posture gaping, with a most
ludicrous aspect of distress. Mrs Bramble flew to the dog, and,
snatching him in her arms, presented him to her brother saying, ‘This is
all a concerted scheme against this unfortunate animal, whose only crime
is its regard for me--Here it is, kill it at once, and then you’ll be
satisfied.’
Clinker, hearing these words, and taking them in the literal
acceptation, got up in some hurry, and seizing a knife from the
side-board, cried, ‘Not here, an please your ladyship--It will daub the
room--Give him to me, and I’ll carry him to the ditch by the roadside’
To this proposal he received no other answer, than a hearty box on the
ear, that made him stagger to the other side of the room. ‘What! (said
she to her brother) am I to be affronted by every mangy hound that you
pick up on the highway? I insist upon your sending this rascallion about
his business immediately’ ‘For God’s sake, sister, compose yourself
(said my uncle) and consider that the poor fellow is innocent of any
intention to give you offence’ ‘Innocent as the babe unborn’ (cried
Humphry). ‘I see it plainly (exclaimed this implacable maiden), he acts
by your direction; and you are resolved to support him in his impudence
This is a bad return for all the services I have done you; for nursing
you in your sickness, managing your family, and keeping you from ruining
yourself by your own imprudence--But now you shall part with that rascal
or me, upon the spot, without farther loss of time; and the world shall
see whether you have more regard for your own flesh and blood, or for a
beggarly foundling taken from the dunghill.’
Mr Bramble’s eyes began to glisten, and his teeth to chatter. ‘If stated
fairly (said he, raising his voice) the question is, whether I have
spirit to shake off an intolerable yoke, by one effort of resolution,
or meanness enough to do an act of cruelty and injustice, to gratify the
rancour of a capricious woman--Heark ye, Mrs Tabitha Bramble, I will
now propose an alternative in my turn. Either discard your four-footed
favourite, or give me leave to bid you eternally adieu--For I am
determined that he and I shall live no longer under the same roof;
and to dinner with what appetite you may’--Thunderstruck at this
declaration, she sat down in a corner; and, after a pause of some
minutes, ‘Sure I don’t understand you, Matt! (said she)’ ‘And yet I
spoke in plain English’ answered the ‘squire, with a peremptory look.
‘Sir (resumed this virago, effectually humbled), it is your prerogative
to command, and my duty to obey. I can’t dispose of the dog in this
place; but if you’ll allow him to go in the coach to London, I give you
my word, he shall never trouble you again.’
Her brother, entirely disarmed by this mild reply, declared, she could
ask him nothing in reason that he would refuse; adding, ‘I hope, sister,
you have never found me deficient in natural affection.’
Mrs Tabitha immediately rose, and, throwing her arms about his neck,
kissed him on the cheek: he returned her embrace with great emotion.
Liddy sobbed, Win. Jenkins cackled, Chowder capered, and Clinker skipped
about, rubbing his hands for joy of this reconciliation.
Concord being thus restored, we finished our meal with comfort; and
in the evening arrived at London, without having met with any other
adventure. My aunt seems to be much mended by the hint she received from
her brother. She has been graciously pleased to remove her displeasure
from Clinker, who is now retained as a footman; and in a day or two
will make his appearance in a new suit of livery; but as he is little
acquainted with London, we have taken an occasional valet, whom I intend
hereafter to hire as my own servant. We lodge in Goldensquare, at the
house of one Mrs Notion, a decent sort of a woman, who takes great pains
to make us all easy. My uncle proposes to make a circuit of all the
remarkable scenes of this metropolis, for the entertainment of his
pupils; but as both you and I are already acquainted with most of those
he will visit, and with some others he little dreams of, I shall only
communicate what will be in some measure new to your observation.
Remember me to our Jesuitical friends, and believe me ever,
Dear knight, Yours affectionately, J. MELFORD LONDON, May 24.
To Dr LEWIS.