THE TAVERN.
When the pair reached the Falcon, they found a goodly assemblage in the
"Dolphin" parlour of that hostel. This apartment was appropriated to a
certain clique of jolly companions in the town, who often met together
after business hours,--a sapient and most self-important fraternity,
which in our own times would have been designated a sort of club. They
were indifferently ignorant upon all subjects unconnected with their
respective trades and callings, and according to their ignorance was
their importance and self-conceit.
Matters connected with their own town and county it was their especial
privilege, they thought, to discuss, but affairs in general, and the
politics of the world, were also brought under consideration. Their
oracle, or as we should at present term him, president, was one Master
Michael Teazle, the clothier, who, in his wisdom and his care, sought in
his various harangues to "dress the threadbare state of the commonwealth
and turn it, and set a new nap upon it,"--generally concluding, like
Cade, that the Queen's council were no good workmen, and that he
himself, being a working-man, could best understand the management of
the State.
This man was, in fact, a somewhat extraordinary individual, and in
possession of considerable talent; one who, in our own times, would have
most likely been either a popular sectarian preacher, or a violent
demagogue. But in Elizabeth's day, there being no proper vent for the
effusion of such a spirit, he was merely the oracle of his gossiping
society of his own town. Too indolent for real and useful work, he
neglected his own business to spy into the affairs of his neighbours,
and too dissipated for any profitable employment; except that he was
kept from utter ruin by an industrious wife, he would, with all his wise
saws, have starved.
The piece of news which had in the present instance reached Stratford,
had called forth from Master Teazle a considerable harangue upon the
state of the country, and the imminent danger Her Majesty's government,
her own life, and the safety of themselves individually, were exposed to
from the intrigues of the Catholics; and in taking upon him to expound
what _had_ already been done, he took upon him also to say what _should_
be done.
"I maintain, my masters all," said he, "that these Jesuits should be
pistolled like mad dogs wherever one can light upon them; for look ye,
are they not educated, and brought up, and fed, and nourished, in
superstition and bigotry? Are they not infused with a bitter hatred
against our Queen, whom they treat as an usurper, a schismatic, a
heretic, a persecutor of the orthodox, and one excommunicated and made
horrible by the _ridiculous_ Pope." Here he stopped and looked around
with great importance. "Nay," he resumed, "look but upon this affair of
the Prince of Orange! Sedition, rebellion, and assassination are the
expedients by which they effect their purposes."
"For mine own part," said Master Lambe, the glover, "I know not
precisely in what consists a Jesuit."
"Why, then, lament therefore," said Teazle, "since not to know _in what_
consists a Jesuit, is not to know the danger to be apprehended _from_ a
Jesuit."
"Expound unto us, neighbour," said goodman Hyde, the tanner, "what is
your version of such a wild beast?"
"Wild beast is a bad term to apply to a Jesuit," said Teazle, "as you
will see by the story. To propound what is a Jesuit, we must e'en go
back to the order of Jesuits founded at Douay by Philip of Spain; and
thus it is:--he erected a seminary for Catholics to send their children
to, in order that they might be brought up, and educated with a view to
the crown of martyrdom. Neither to be deterred by danger nor fatigue
from maintaining their principles. And into the breasts of these pupils
is instilled the most inveterate hatred against Protestant England in
general, and Stratford town in particular; and to our blessed Queen
nothing but poison, steel, and perdition. Ahem!"
"There art thou wrong, brother," said Master Cramboy. "The order of
Jesuits was erected when the Pope perceived that his lazy monks and
beggarly friars sufficed no longer to defend the Church, and that the
unquiet spirit of the age required something more keen, active, and
erudite to defend it."
"Well, neighbour, well," said Teazle, (who was generally somewhat in awe
of the learning of the pedant), "I sit corrected. Be it, however, as it
may, you will bear with me in holding that prevarication, and every
stratagem which serves their ghostly purposes, are the especial
privileges of the Order."
"Thereafter, as may be," said Cramboy; "we will discuss that point anon.
Meanwhile, thou art right, insomuch that the seminary you have
mentioned, and which the Cardinal of Lorraine has imitated at Rheims,
and the Pope has also followed the example of at Rome, are all under the
direction of Jesuits--violent, intolerant, and dangerous. And,
therefore, may Heaven bless our glorious Queen, who put that caitiff
Campion to the rack so lately, and broke his bones under the very nose
of the Duke of Alencon, whilst he was making suit for her hand in
marriage."
"A decent hint to him of the sort of martyrdom he might expect in case
his suit was a successful one," said John Shakespeare, laughing.
"A grievous martyrdom had all England suffered, an the French duke had
prospered," said Teazle.
"'Twere best not to pursue that theme, neighbour," said Master Lambe,
"lest we run into dangerous ground, like Charles Arundel Stubbs, of
Lincoln's Inn, who wrote a book, and called it 'The Gulph in which
England was to be swallowed by the French marriage,' and lost his right
hand, as a libeller, for his pains."
"A severe sentence upon a loyal subject," said Cramboy, "for look ye how
Stubbs bore his punishment! I was there, and saw him suffer. He took his
hat off with his left hand, and waving it over his head, cried, 'God
save good Queen Elizabeth!' Methinks the right hand of such a man would
have been better unlopped. It might have done good service hereafter."
"Go to, my masters, 'enough said is soonest mended,' as the old saw
goes. An I were the Queen, after what has happened, I would take Spain
by the beard," said Teazle; "for look ye, my masters all, how that king
of red-hot ploughshares and burning pincers groweth more powerful daily.
Already hath he made himself lord of Portugal, and gained settlements in
the Indies; not only arrogating to himself the commerce of those
regions, but all the princes of Italy, and even the Pope of Rome, are
reduced to subjection beneath his sway. Austria and Germany, too, are
connected with, and ready to supply him with troops at his beck. See,
too, how the bloated toad sitteth upon his throne, swelling and
sweltering in wealth as well as bigotry; with all the treasures of the
Western Ind in his diadem."
"O' my word, neighbour," said Master Lambe, "an such be the case I
should be chary, an I were the Queen, of chasing such a swollen reptile,
lest he spit poison upon me, and burnt me up with the breath of his
powerful nostrils; methinks, an I were Her Majesty, I should be careful
how I gave my crown to the chance of battle with such an enemy."
"Go to, neighbour," returned Teazle, "thou lookest but along thy nose,
and no farther. See'st thou not that what _must_ come _will_ come; and
_will_ come, may come when most _unwelcome_. Now, an I were the Queen, I
would take Philip of Spain by the nose at once, ere the Netherlands
relapse again into servitude, assailed as they are by those veteran
armies employed against them. By my manhood, I say Elizabeth should at
once trust to her people, and assault the whole force of the Catholic
monarch ere it grow so great that it will swallow up the world. Nay, an
I were appointed general-in-chief, I would conduct an army over to
Holland, and deliver the country from the danger at once."
"Perhaps, neighbour," said John Shakespeare, "you have heard a rumour
that some such measure has in truth been thought of. A power of
dauntless spirits are, it is said, at this moment assembling under the
Earl of Leicester."
"A fico for the Earl of Leicester," said Teazle; "pr'ythee what sort of
a soldier is he to oppose against the experienced captains and sturdy
infantry of Spain? Now, an I had been called to name the man fit for
such command I should have named----"
"Thyself," said Cramboy. "Ah, ah! a very pretty piece of soldiership we
should have in thee."
"Thou hast said it, not I, neighbour," returned Teazle. "_But_, an I had
said myself, I had at least named one quite as equal to the emergency of
the case as the man of rings and carcanets, of broaches and feathers,
thou hast just named."
"Methinks 'twere wise not to pursue such comparison further," said
Master Lambe; "'twere best for those to speak civily of the bear who are
such near neighbours to his hold, lest the ragged staff reach our
coxcombs."
"What gentlemen of note are engaged in this expedition?" inquired
Cramboy.
"I hear," said John Shakespeare, "that he carries with him a glorious
retinue, being accompanied by the young Earl of Essex, Lords Audley and
North, Sir William Russell, Sir Thomas Shirly, Sir Arthur Basset, Sir
Walter Waller, and Sir Gervase Clifton, added to which five hundred
gentlemen ride in his select troop."
"Still do I maintain," said Teazle, "that the selection of my Lord of
Leicester is not a good one; he possesses neither courage nor capacity
equal to the task, and were I in presence of the Queen, with the Earl
leaning at the back of her chair, I would say the same."
"And how would you speak of those in commission with him?" inquired
Cramboy, "To begin with Essex, what think you of him?"
"As of one better to be led than to lead. Essex is a brave boy
doubtless, and a clever, but then he is rash, headstrong, and
unweighing. Curb him never so little and he flings up in your teeth.
Give him his head and he knocks out his own brains."
"What of Lords Audley and North?"
"Put into the scale against the other one and their weight will about
weigh against his lightness. Ergo, the three together are as naught."
"And how say ye to Sir William Russell?"
"But so so. Marry a good blade and a stout man, a proper fellow of his
hands. But for brains the accompt is very minute indeed."
"How of Sir Arthur Basset?"
"As of one fitter to feat in a couranto, at court, than trail a pike in
the Low Countries."
"Nay, then, 'tis vain to say more," said Cramboy, "since of the whole
five hundred in my Lord of Leicester's troops I dare be sworn, in thy
opinion, there is not one fit to wield a rapier or poise a caliver."
"Thou hast again said it, neighbour, and not I," returned Teazle.
"Though in sooth, an I had, I had not been far out."
"'Tis well then," said Cramboy, "that in maritime affairs a better
selection hath been made. Heard ye, my masters all, that Sir Francis
Drake hath been appointed Admiral, with a fleet of twenty sail and two
thousand three hundred volunteers, besides seamen to serve in it? They
have already sailed for the West Indies against the Spaniards. How like
ye that piece of news?"
"That likes me somewhat better," said Teazle, "and I can venture to
predict some good to accrue therefrom. Drake is the man to make the
settlements smoke for it. He will burn, sack, and destroy all along the
Spanish main, whilst the other will but make a sort of harnessed masque
through the Low Countries. Such is my poor opinion, and time will prove
in how much it is correct. So fill a cup to Sir Francis Drake, another
for our gracious Queen, and one more for Stratford town. Huzza! huzza!
huzza!"
After this loyal outbreak there was a short pause. This was at last
broken by neighbour Dismal, who (albeit he drank his quantum at these
meetings) seldom spoke much, and when he did so generally threw a gloom
over the whole assemblage. He always had, however, his _one say_, which
was a sort of concentration of the worst piece of news he could collect
for the nonce. And as he was a man of undoubted veracity, unless he was
pretty well assured of the truth of what he uttered, he never uttered it
at all.
This usually gave his _one wisdom_ a most startling air of gloom and
horror, and when he rose to speak, or even coughed his preliminary ahem,
he was honoured by the most startling silence. On the present occasion
he prepared to broach the subject matter with peculiar solemnity,
actually rising from his seat, and, as he steadied himself with both
hands upon the table, delivering himself, somewhat after the following
lively fashion.
"Neighbours all," he said, "I have listened to the discussion of the
foregoing matter with considerable interest. Our good neighbour, Teazle,
hath handled the subject of the proposed expedition in very able style.
He hath been replied to quite as cleverly by my learned and worthy
Fellow-townsman, Cramboy. Such discussions are, however, at the present
moment, methinks, better left to those whom they most concern, inasmuch
as subjects of nearer interest to _ourselves_, it doth appear to me,
more nearly concern _ourselves_. Neighbours, I know I have been accused
of being a kill joy, a melancholy man. Some call me Goodman Death: and
the little boys hoot at me, as I walk at night, and say, 'There goeth
Goodman Bones.' Nevertheless, I have been merry twice or once ere now. I
was merry on the day I married Mistress Dismal, and I was merry the day
I buried her. I was also merry when my father died, and left me in
possession of his business. But I cannot say I am merry just at this
time. Neighbours and jovial friends, I will conclude my speech briefly
and heartily. By the same token, I wish you all your healths, and, at
the same time, hope we may some of us meet here again next week _well_
and _happy_. How far we are likely to do so is another matter, and of
that you will be better able to judge when I tell you that The Plague is
in Stratford-upon-Avon at the present moment!"