How we came to the island of Sandals; and of the order of Semiquaver
Friars.
Thence we went to the island of Sandals, whose inhabitants live on nothing
but ling-broth. However, we were very kindly received and entertained by
Benius the Third, king of the island, who, after he had made us drink, took
us with him to show us a spick-and-span new monastery which he had
contrived for the Semiquaver Friars; so he called the religious men whom he
had there. For he said that on t’other side the water lived friars who
styled themselves her sweet ladyship’s most humble servants. Item, the
goodly Friar-minors, who are semibreves of bulls; the smoked-herring tribe
of Minim Friars; then the Crotchet Friars. So that these diminutives could
be no more than Semiquavers. By the statutes, bulls, and patents of Queen
Whims, they were all dressed like so many house-burners, except that, as in
Anjou your bricklayers use to quilt their knees when they tile houses, so
these holy friars had usually quilted bellies, and thick quilted paunches
were among them in much repute. Their codpieces were cut slipper-fashion,
and every monk among them wore two--one sewed before and another behind
--reporting that some certain dreadful mysteries were duly represented by
this duplicity of codpieces.
They wore shoes as round as basins, in imitation of those who inhabit the
sandy sea. Their chins were close-shaved, and their feet iron-shod; and to
show they did not value fortune, Benius made them shave and poll the hind
part of their polls as bare as a bird’s arse, from the crown to the
shoulder-blades; but they had leave to let their hair grow before, from the
two triangular bones in the upper part of the skull.
Thus did they not value fortune a button, and cared no more for the goods
of this world than you or I do for hanging. And to show how much they
defied that blind jilt, all of them wore, not in their hands like her, but
at their waist, instead of beads, sharp razors, which they used to
new-grind twice a day and set thrice a night.
Each of them had a round ball on their feet, because Fortune is said to
have one under hers.
The flap of their cowls hanged forward, and not backwards, like those of
others. Thus none could see their noses, and they laughed without fear
both at fortune and the fortunate; neither more nor less than our ladies
laugh at barefaced trulls when they have those mufflers on which they call
masks, and which were formerly much more properly called charity, because
they cover a multitude of sins.
The hind part of their faces were always uncovered, as are our faces, which
made them either go with their belly or the arse foremost, which they
pleased. When their hind face went forwards, you would have sworn this had
been their natural gait, as well on account of their round shoes as of the
double codpiece, and their face behind, which was as bare as the back of my
hand, and coarsely daubed over with two eyes and a mouth, such as you see
on some Indian nuts. Now, if they offered to waddle along with their
bellies forwards, you would have thought they were then playing at
blindman’s buff. May I never be hanged if ‘twas not a comical sight.
Their way of living was thus: about owl-light they charitably began to
boot and spur one another. This being done, the least thing they did was
to sleep and snore; and thus sleeping, they had barnacles on the handles of
their faces, or spectacles at most.
You may swear we did not a little wonder at this odd fancy; but they
satisfied us presently, telling us that the day of judgment is to take
mankind napping; therefore, to show they did not refuse to make their
personal appearance as fortune’s darlings use to do, they were always thus
booted and spurred, ready to mount whenever the trumpet should sound.
At noon, as soon as the clock struck, they used to awake. You must know
that their clock-bell, church-bells, and refectory-bells were all made
according to the pontial device, that is, quilted with the finest down, and
their clappers of fox-tails.
Having then made shift to get up at noon, they pulled off their boots, and
those that wanted to speak with a maid, alias piss, pissed; those that
wanted to scumber, scumbered; and those that wanted to sneeze, sneezed.
But all, whether they would or no (poor gentlemen!), were obliged largely
and plentifully to yawn; and this was their first breakfast (O rigorous
statute!). Methought ‘twas very comical to observe their transactions;
for, having laid their boots and spurs on a rack, they went into the
cloisters. There they curiously washed their hands and mouths; then sat
them down on a long bench, and picked their teeth till the provost gave the
signal, whistling through his fingers; then every he stretched out his jaws
as much as he could, and they gaped and yawned for about half-an-hour,
sometimes more, sometimes less, according as the prior judged the breakfast
to be suitable to the day.
After that they went in procession, two banners being carried before them,
in one of which was the picture of Virtue, and that of Fortune in the
other. The last went before, carried by a semi-quavering friar, at whose
heels was another, with the shadow or image of Virtue in one hand and an
holy-water sprinkle in the other--I mean of that holy mercurial water which
Ovid describes in his Fasti. And as the preceding Semiquaver rang a
handbell, this shaked the sprinkle with his fist. With that says
Pantagruel, This order contradicts the rule which Tully and the academics
prescribed, that Virtue ought to go before, and Fortune follow. But they
told us they did as they ought, seeing their design was to breech, lash,
and bethwack Fortune.
During the processions they trilled and quavered most melodiously betwixt
their teeth I do not know what antiphones, or chantings, by turns. For my
part, ‘twas all Hebrew-Greek to me, the devil a word I could pick out on’t;
at last, pricking up my ears, and intensely listening, I perceived they
only sang with the tip of theirs. Oh, what a rare harmony it was! How
well ‘twas tuned to the sound of their bells! You’ll never find these to
jar, that you won’t. Pantagruel made a notable observation upon the
processions; for says he, Have you seen and observed the policy of these
Semiquavers? To make an end of their procession they went out at one of
their church doors and came in at the other; they took a deal of care not
to come in at the place whereat they went out. On my honour, these are a
subtle sort of people, quoth Panurge; they have as much wit as three folks,
two fools and a madman; they are as wise as the calf that ran nine miles to
suck a bull, and when he came there ‘twas a steer. This subtlety and
wisdom of theirs, cried Friar John, is borrowed from the occult philosophy.
May I be gutted like an oyster if I can tell what to make on’t. Then the
more ‘tis to be feared, said Pantagruel; for subtlety suspected, subtlety
foreseen, subtlety found out, loses the essence and very name of subtlety,
and only gains that of blockishness. They are not such fools as you take
them to be; they have more tricks than are good, I doubt.
After the procession they went sluggingly into the fratery-room, by the way
of walk and healthful exercise, and there kneeled under the tables, leaning
their breasts on lanterns. While they were in that posture, in came a huge
Sandal, with a pitchfork in his hand, who used to baste, rib-roast,
swaddle, and swinge them well-favouredly, as they said, and in truth
treated them after a fashion. They began their meal as you end yours, with
cheese, and ended it with mustard and lettuce, as Martial tells us the
ancients did. Afterwards a platterful of mustard was brought before every
one of them, and thus they made good the proverb, After meat comes mustard.
Their diet was this:
O’ Sundays they stuffed their puddings with puddings, chitterlings, links,
Bologna sausages, forced-meats, liverings, hogs’ haslets, young quails, and
teals. You must also always add cheese for the first course, and mustard
for the last.
O’ Mondays they were crammed with peas and pork, cum commento, and
interlineary glosses.
O’ Tuesdays they used to twist store of holy-bread, cakes, buns, puffs,
lenten loaves, jumbles, and biscuits.
O’ Wednesdays my gentlemen had fine sheep’s heads, calves’ heads, and
brocks’ heads, of which there’s no want in that country.
O’ Thursdays they guzzled down seven sorts of porridge, not forgetting
mustard.
O’ Fridays they munched nothing but services or sorb-apples; neither were
these full ripe, as I guessed by their complexion.
O’ Saturdays they gnawed bones; not that they were poor or needy, for every
mother’s son of them had a very good fat belly-benefice.
As for their drink, ‘twas an antifortunal; thus they called I don’t know
what sort of a liquor of the place.
When they wanted to eat or drink, they turned down the back-points or flaps
of their cowls forwards below their chins, and that served ‘em instead of
gorgets or slabbering-bibs.
When they had well dined, they prayed rarely all in quavers and shakes; and
the rest of the day, expecting the day of judgment, they were taken up with
acts of charity, and particularly--
O’ Sundays, rubbers at cuffs.
O’ Mondays, lending each other flirts and fillips on the nose.
O’ Tuesdays, clapperclawing one another.
O’ Wednesdays, sniting and fly-flapping.
O’ Thursdays, worming and pumping.
O’ Fridays, tickling.
O’ Saturdays, jerking and firking one another.
Such was their diet when they resided in the convent, and if the prior of
the monk-house sent any of them abroad, then they were strictly enjoined
neither to touch nor eat any manner of fish as long as they were on sea or
rivers, and to abstain from all manner of flesh whenever they were at land,
that everyone might be convinced that, while they enjoyed the object, they
denied themselves the power, and even the desire, and were no more moved
with it than the Marpesian rock.
All this was done with proper antiphones, still sung and chanted by ear, as
we have already observed.
When the sun went to bed, they fairly booted and spurred each other as
before, and having clapped on their barnacles e’en jogged to bed too. At
midnight the Sandal came to them, and up they got, and having well whetted
and set their razors, and been a-processioning, they clapped the tables
over themselves, and like wire-drawers under their work fell to it as
aforesaid.
Friar John des Entoumeures, having shrewdly observed these jolly Semiquaver
Friars, and had a full account of their statutes, lost all patience, and
cried out aloud: Bounce tail, and God ha’ mercy guts; if every fool should
wear a bauble, fuel would be dear. A plague rot it, we must know how many
farts go to an ounce. Would Priapus were here, as he used to be at the
nocturnal festivals in Crete, that I might see him play backwards, and
wriggle and shake to the purpose. Ay, ay, this is the world, and t’other
is the country; may I never piss if this be not an antichthonian land, and
our very antipodes. In Germany they pull down monasteries and unfrockify
the monks; here they go quite kam, and act clean contrary to others,
setting new ones up, against the hair.