page of advertisement of that College of Beauty in New York! _Do_
listen: 'Ladies desirous of enrolling themselves as students at the
College of Beauty are requested to send in their names at once to the
secretaress, Madame Brown. The first hundred ladies will be received
at the following reduced fees: Facial-Beauty Curriculum (including
Eye-Enlarging, Gaze-Softening, Dimple, Ethereal-Expression, Piquancy,
and other classes), 100dols. per term of twelve months.... The system
having now been perfected and exhaustively tested, testimonials from
LADIES WELL KNOWN IN SOCIETY, who have been rescued from VARIOUS
DEGREES OF HOMELINESS and developed into BEAUTIES OF THE FIRST WATER,
will be sent to all applicants. The leading transatlantic steamship
companies have made special arrangements for the conveyance of parties
of ladies proceeding to the College of Beauty, New York.'
"Of course, it _can't_ be true, can it, mother?" said Genevieve.
"Oh, dear, no, my love," said Mother.
"But we will go and have a look at New York; won't we?"
"Yes, I think we may as well."
The booming of the College of Beauty re-echoed deafeningly from end to
end of the London Press. The subject was dragged into every paragraph
about everything. It was the universal topic.
* * * * *
Some weeks after this Jenkinson looked up Wiffler in the evening, and
threw himself down in a chair with an exclamation of disgust.
"Hanged if they haven't gone!" he grunted.
[Illustration: "HANGED IF THEY HAVEN'T GONE!"]
"Gone? Who?" said Wiffler, passing the tobacco-jar.
"Why, Mrs. Jenkinson and Genevieve have gone to New York--for a change,
they said; but they can't hoodwink _me_. They've gone to that College
of Beauty--_that's_ where _they've_ gone! Nice state of things for me!
Left all alone, as if I didn't happen to have such articles as a wife
and daughter.... Where's _your_ wife? Theatre--opera?"
"Not a bit of it!" replied Wiffler, gloomily. "_Gone to New York_, my
friend; and _now_ I see _why_ they were so mad to go that way, although
Matilda hates the sea and always gets frightfully ill. _Now_ I see!"
At that moment Gradbury burst in melodramatically, the image of despair.
"Hullo, Gradbury!" said the other two, "what's wrong with _you_?"
"Ugh! Everything!" growled Gradbury. "Nice game for a man's wife and
three daughters and niece to go off all at once to----"
"New York?" cried Wiffler and Jenkinson, in a breath.
"Ah!--that's the very place!" shrieked Gradbury. "And I'll tell you
what--I've my suspicions that----"
"Your suspicions are well founded," said Jenkinson, in a hollow voice.
"That _was_ their object."
Then those three miserable men went off to the club; and the hubbub
as they entered the smoke-room told them that something was amiss.
Frodwell was standing on the hearthrug declaiming about the right
place for a wife being by her husband's side instead of frivolling
off to crack-brained colleges holding out all manner of insane and
impracticable ----.
About twenty other clubbites stood round and grunted approval.
Anger and gloom were the dominant principles of that smoke-room.
"_Your_ wife gone over? Oh, no, of course, you haven't got a wife,"
said Jenkinson to young Flabtree.
"No; and what's more, I'm not likely to have one now. My best girl's
gone over to New York--for three years she thinks. Hanged if I know how
_she_ can be improved by that fool of a college--for _that's_ where
_she's_ off to, you bet! Her fringe keeps frizzy in wet weather, and
she has a little dimple each side of her nose; so what more _can_ she
want?"
"All _my_ best girls have gone!" said poor young Grownder, sinking into
a settee and covering his face with his hands.
[Illustration: "POSTERS."]
It was the same sad story at every club you entered; bereaved married
men and deserted bachelors stood mopingly on the hearthrugs or flopped
in limp despair on the big chairs. Every day the papers had been
filled with advertisements and "pars" and articles about the College
of Beauty; flaring posters, with pictures of a lady, before and after
a course of the College, covered London: the before lady had wild red
hair, a pug-nose, a heavy squint, one immense front tooth, lips like a
negro's, and the figure of a sack of potatoes; the after lady--supposed
to be the same person--had a Grecian nose, great blue eyes, wavy brown
hair, and an ideal figure. Every day the crisis became more grave; the
great transatlantic lines had hired extra ships to fill with ladies
proceeding to New York: it had been made "worth the while" of several
eminent London physicians to prescribe a course of "New York." The
sight of a lady in the London streets was becoming more and more rare.
Men in a hopeless state of dejection, even of melancholy insanity,
roved aimlessly about the pavements. The club-houses had to hire extra
accommodation for men whose homes, bereft of the feminine element, had
become loathsome and abhorrent to them.
Beautiful suburban villas were left deserted, the dust growing visibly
upon the furniture; domestic life among the upper and middle classes
had ceased to exist. The milliners' shops were closed; suburban
tradesmen were becoming bankrupt; feminine parts at the theatres were
played by youths as in old times, while the stalls and dress-circle
presented an unbroken line of wretched men, clad in tweed suits,
dressing-gowns--anything; so demoralized does man become the instant
the refining influence of woman is withdrawn.
There was another board-meeting of the spinsters at Miss Cloot's. Their
number was reduced by two recalcitrants, who had been unable to resist
the New York fever and had deserted the ranks.
"Idiots!" said Miss Cloot.
Miss Cloot rose at the head of the table and said:--
"Ladies, I need hardly tell you that the operations of our society
have been, and are, a complete success. In the course of another week
there will not be a woman of any position, except ourselves, in the
Metropolitan area. Our secretary, Miss McSwinger, will read to you the
numbers of embarcations for New York for the week ending yesterday; and
Miss Gorgonia V. Nickerbocker, our New York factotum, is now present
among us, and will set before you the statistics of the hiring and
fitting up of new annexes of the College of Beauty, which at present
accommodates four million seven hundred thousand and odd ladies.
"You will recall to mind how, at our first and preliminary meeting, I
said to you: 'What I have to say is, that if this College of Beauty,
set forth in this newspaper cutting, does not exist, why, it _shall_
exist; and we will create it.' Whether the original College ever did
exist I do not know, but _ours_ does. Ladies, it was an idea such as
has seldom occurred to woman since the beginning of time. You came
wisely forward and threw in your money with mine to set this great work
on foot; our money has now gone; but, by reason of the term-fees paid
by the pupils, the College is now entirely self-supporting.
[Illustration: "THE LAYING-IN OF JAPANESE FANS."]
"_Now_, ladies, is your time! All the pretty women have gone to New
York; every month a certain number of men in this vast Metropolis
suddenly decide to marry; for the last five months the deciders have
lacked the item indispensable to the carrying out of their object--a
woman to marry. The domestic arrangement which they calculated upon,
and had prepared for, in many cases even to the laying-in of Japanese
fans, scent-cases, hanging wardrobes, and other articles of furniture,
has been hopelessly postponed.
"The aggregate of outstanding matrimonial decisions has, owing to
the absence of a helpmate to join the board after allotment, become
enormous.
[Illustration: "WRETCHED MEN."]
"Ladies, those men _must_ marry someone, or the scent-cases and
wardrobes will lose their freshness: and they must marry US, or none.
It may surprise you when I say that they will prefer even _you_ to
_none_: but you will find it is so!
"Ladies!" she continued, "we have triumphed! Do you hear the murmur
without--the murmur of multitudes like the ocean? It is the men! They
know that eleven eligible spinsters--not to speak of our excellent
factotum, Miss McSwinger--are assembled in this room. Look!"
In two strides she had reached the window-curtains. She threw them
back. Without, the whole square and adjacent streets were packed with a
surging mass of stove-pipe hats.
As the curtains separated there arose a vast and deafening shout, while
ten thousand hands simultaneously held aloft ten thousand wedding rings.
[Illustration: "MISS CLOOT STEPPED OUT UPON THE BALCONY."]
Miss Cloot opened the window, and stepped out upon the balcony.
"Gentlemen!" she said, "I must entreat you to be patient and maintain
order. It is impossible for us to accept all of you: I regret to inform
you that twelve only amid your vast and imposing throng can be made
happy. If you will disperse in an orderly way, you can obtain Offer of
Marriage forms, which I will ask you to fill up with particulars of
your stations in life, incomes, characters, and other details. I have
made arrangements so that the forms can be obtained of any respectable
chemist, bookseller, tobacconist, or house agent, or at the Army and
Navy or Civil Service Stores.
"All applications will be considered, and the acceptations printed in
the _Times_, _Pink 'Un_, _Matrimonial News_, and _Exchange and Mart_.
"I will now entreat you to disperse quietly, without any demonstration.
Good-day."
* * * * *
Three weeks from that time the twelve spinsters were married at St.
George's. Miss Cloot had accepted a duke, seven other ladies earls,
one a wealthy brewer, two pill millionaires, and the remaining one
a poet-laureate. Some time after, the ladies began to return from
New York; whether they are any lovelier, I cannot say. Can woman be
lovelier than she is? Never mind, I don't want a series of letters
about it.
At any rate, those twelve ladies married at St. George's are all
very, very happy; which shows that, although beauty and goodness are
inestimable gifts, wits are worth having.
J. F. SULLIVAN.
[Illustration: Watches]
[Illustration: of All Times]
[Illustration:
PAL'S PUZZLE PAGE.]
INDEX.
PAGE.
ACTORS' MAKE-UP 149
(_Illustrations_ by HORACE MOREHAM.)
ANARCHIST, AN. From the French of EUGÉNE MORET 339
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
ANTONIO'S ENGLISHMAN. By W. L. ALDEN 451
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
ARTISTS' CLUB, A BOHEMIAN. By ALFRED T. STORY 488
(_Illustrations_ by G. G. KILBURNE, W. H.
PIKE, ROBT. SAUBER, J. FINNEMORE,
W. A. BREAKSPEAR, C. CATTERMOLE, CARL
HAAG, and W. D. ALMOND, and from Photographs by
SCOTT & SONS, EXETER, and RUSSELL & SONS.)
BEAUTIES:--
XIII.--CHILDREN: MISS EDITH MARGUERITE
DICKINSON, MISS DOROTHY BIRCH DONE, MISS
EVELYN MARY DOWDELL, MISS MADGE ERSKINE,
MISS WINNIFRED EMMA HEALE, MISS KATHLEEN
KEYSE, MISS NELLY M. MORRIS, MISS ALIGANDER
SMITH, MISS MYRTA VIVIENNE STUBBS 77
XIV.--LADIES: MISS CHRISTINE BEAUCLERC,
MRS. W. H. COOK, MISS CROKER, MRS.
GARDNER, MISS MAUD GONNE, MISS
HAMILTON, MISS JAMESON, MISS EVELYN
MILLARD, LADY HELEN VINCENT 186
XV.--CHILDREN: MISS MAY BARNES,
MISS DORIS MAMIE BUTLER, MISS DORIS G.
CLEGG, MASTERS CUTHBERT, EUSTACE,
MICHAEL, and CYRIL COX, MISS GRACIE
DODDS, MISS GLADYS HUDDART, MISS GLADYS
LILIAN TANSLEY, MISS MURIEL GLANVILLE TAYLOR 270
XVI.--LADIES: MISS BARNETT, MISS ANNIE
O'DEANE, MISS NANCY NOEL, MISS AGNES C.
STEVENSON, MISS NORA WILLIAMSON 426
XVII.--CHILDREN: MISSES DOROTHY and
MARJORIE HOLMES, MISS PHYLLIS LOTT,
MISS KATIE MARTINDALE, MISS MARGOT AMY CECIL
RUSSELL, MISS WINIFRED MARY WINTER 538
XVIII.--LADIES: MISS DAISY BALDRY, MRS.
GLYNDEUR FOULKES, MISS FRANKS, MISS MABEL
MORPHETT, MISS LOUIE SPENCER, MISS IRENE
VANBRUGH 634
BETWEEN THE ACTS. From the French of M. BLOWITZ 115
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
BLIZZARD, LOST IN A. By G. H. LEES 285
(_Illustrations_ by W. CHRISTIAN SYMONS.)
BRITISH EMBASSY AT PARIS, THE. By MARY SPENCER-WARREN 289
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by Messrs. GUNN &
STUART, RICHMOND.)
BURDETT-COUTTS, THE BARONESS. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED
INTERVIEWS") 348
CAMBRIDGE UNION SOCIETIES, OXFORD AND 502
CLARK, PERSONAL REMINISCENCES OF SIR ANDREW. By E. H.
PITCAIRN 65
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by Messrs. MAYOR &
MEREDITH, BASSANO, and WYRALL; and
from a Painting by G. F. WATTS, R.A.)
COMPOSERS WORK, HOW. By F. A. JONES.
Part I.--With facsimiles of the MSS. of SIR JOSEPH
BARNBY, JOHN F. BARNETT, JACQUES
BLUMENTHAL, F. H. COWEN, ALFRED R.
GAUL, CHARLES GOUNOD, EDWARD GRIEG,
and CHAS. H. LLOYD 206
Part II.--With facsimiles of the MSS. of MEYER LUTZ,
A. C. MACKENZIE, TITO MATTEL, HUBERT
PARRY, EBENEZER PROUT, RUBINSTEIN,
SAINT-SAËNS, STANFORD, STRAUSS,
BERTHOLD TOURS, and P. TSCHAÏKOWSKY 428
COOPER, R.A., THOMAS SIDNEY. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED
INTERVIEWS") 227
CRIMES AND CRIMINALS:--
I.--DYNAMITE AND DYNAMITERS 119
II.--BURGLARS AND BURGLING 273
III.--COINERS AND COINING 416
IV.--FORGERS AND BEGGING-LETTER WRITERS 627
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs and Drawings.)
DIARY OF A DOCTOR, STORIES FROM THE. By the Authors of "The
Medicine Lady."
VII.--THE HORROR OF STUDLEY GRANGE 3
VIII.--TEN YEARS' OBLIVION 159
IX.--AN OAK COFFIN 255
X.--WITHOUT WITNESSES 394
XI.--TRAPPED 465
XII.--THE PONSONBY DIAMONDS 606
(_Illustrations_ by A. PEARSE.)
DICKENS, THE SIGNATURES OF CHARLES. By J. HOLT SCHOOLING 80
(_Illustrations_ from facsimiles.)
DIVING-DRESS, MY. BY ONE WHO HAS DONE WITH IT 383
(_Illustrations_ by HAROLD PIFFARD.)
FAMILY NAME, THE. From the French of HENRI MALIN 99
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
FULLER, LÖIE. THE INVENTOR OF THE SERPENTINE DANCE.
By MRS. M. GRIFFITH 540
(_Illustrations_ by SARONY, NEW YORK; MORA, NEW
YORK; ELDER, IOWA; REUTLINGER, PARIS;
and RIDERS, CHICAGO.)
GIOVANNI. By J. D. SYMON 133
(_Illustrations_ by J. FINNEMORE.)
HANDCUFFS 94
(_Written_ and _Illustrated_ by INSPECTOR MOSER.)
HELMET, THE. From the French of FERDINAND BEISSIER 41
(_Illustrations_ by JEAN DE PALEOLOGUE.)
HOLLAND, THE QUEEN OF. By MARY SPENCER-WARREN 17
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by Messrs. GUNN &
STUART, RICHMOND, and W. G. KUIJER, AMSTERDAM.)
ILLUSTRATED INTERVIEWS.
XXX.--MR. EDWARD LLOYD. By HARRY HOW 175
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by Messrs. ELLIOTT &
FRY.)
XXXI.--MR. THOMAS SIDNEY COOPER, R.A. By HARRY
HOW 227
(_Illustrations_ from Drawings and a Painting by Mr. T.
S. COOPER, R.A., and from Photographs by Messrs.
ELLIOTT & FRY.)
XXXII.--THE BARONESS BURDETT-COUTTS. By MARY
SPENCER-WARREN 348
(_Illustrations_ by WARNE BROWNE, SIR EDMUND
HENDERSON, EDMUND CALDWELL, and from
Photographs by Messrs. ELLIOTT & FRY.)
XXXIII.--MR. CHARLES WYNDHAM. By HARRY HOW 513
(_Illustrations_ from a Painting by JOHN PETTIE,
R.A.; and from Photographs by Messrs. ELLIOTT & FRY;
LONDON STEREOSCOPIC CO.; FALK, NEW YORK;
BARRAUD; and MR. JOHN F. ROBERTS.)
XXXIV.--SIR FRANCIS AND LADY JEUNE. By HARRY
HOW 575
(_Illustrations_ from a Drawing by Mr. HARRY
FURNISS, and from Photographs by Messrs. ELLIOTT &
FRY.)
IRON CASKET, THE. From the German 653
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
JEUNE, SIR FRANCIS AND LADY. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED
INTERVIEWS") 575
LAND OF YOUTH, THE. A STORY FOR CHILDREN. A SCANDINAVIAN
POPULAR TALE 212
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
LESSEPS, COUNT FERDINAND DE. By His God-daughter 636
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by NADAR, REUTLINGER,
LIÉBERT, AND DAIREAUX, PARIS.)
LIGHT: A LONDON IDYLL. by E. M. HEWITT 591
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
LLOYD, MR. EDWARD. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED INTERVIEWS") 175
MARTIN HEWITT, INVESTIGATOR. By A. G. MORRISON.
I.--THE LENTON CROFT ROBBERIES 305
II.--THE LOSS OF SAMMY CROCKETT 361
III.--THE CASE OF MR. FOGGATT 526
IV.--THE CASE OF THE DIXON TORPEDO 563
(_Illustrations_ by SIDNEY PAGET.)
MIRROR, THE. From the French of GEORGE JAPY 90
(_Illustrations_ by ALAN WRIGHT.)
MUSIC OF NATURE, THE. By T. CAMDEN PRATT. PART II. 46
(_Illustrations_ by ADOLPH G. DÖRING.)
OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE UNION SOCIETIES, THE.
I.--OXFORD. By J. B. HARRIS-BURLAND 502
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by C. COURT COLE &
GILLMAN, OXFORD.)
II.--CAMBRIDGE. By ST. J. BASIL WYNNE
WILLSON, M.A. 507
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by STEARN, CAMBRIDGE;
LONDON STEREOSCOPIC COMPANY; and BEAUFORT,
BIRMINGHAM.)
PALACE OF VANITY, A. From the French of MME. EMILE DE
GIRARDIN 322
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
PICTURES, SOME INTERESTING 640
(_Illustrations_ by a CHINESE ARTIST, LORD
NELSON, W. M. THACKERAY, JOHN GADBURY,
and from a Photograph.)
PORTRAITS OF CELEBRITIES AT DIFFERENT TIMES OF THEIR LIVES:--
ASTLEY, SIR JOHN, BART 626
BANNERMAN, MR. CAMPBELL, M.P. 415
BURTON, LADY 157
CANZIANI, MADAME (MISS LOUISA STARR) 624
COLE, MADAME BELLE 51
DILKE, SIR CHARLES, M.P. 500
DILKE, LADY 501
DUMAS, ALEXANDRE, FILS 158
GODFREY, DAN 305
HESSE, THE GRAND DUKE OF 412
IBSEN, HENRIK 156
KENNEDY, MR. JUSTICE 304
LEITNER, DR. G. W. 623
LICHFIELD, THE BISHOP OF 155
LOCH, SIR HENRY 50
LOPES, LORD JUSTICE 411
MACKENZIE, DR. 154
PETERBOROUGH, THE BISHOP OF 52
ROSEBURY, LORD 498
RUSSIA, CZAR OF 302
SAXE-COBURG, PRINCESS VICTORIA MELITA OF 413
SCOTT-HOLLAND, REV. CANON 497
STODDART, A. E. 625
TEMPLE, SIR RICHARD, M.P. 54
TUPPER, SIR CHARLES 622
WANTAGE, LORD 53
WELLINGTON, DUKE OF 303
WILLS, MR. JUSTICE 499
WINCHESTER, BISHOP OF 301
WORCESTER, BISHOP OF 414
QUEEN'S YACHT, THE 587
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by G. WEST & SON,
SOUTHSEA; and SYMONDS & CO., PORTSMOUTH.)
QUEER SIDE OF THINGS, THE:--
BEAUTY COLLEGE COMPANY, THE 660
LAMPS OF ALL KINDS AND TIMES 110
MASTER OF GRANGE, THE 330
MAJOR MICROBE 104
MR. HAY 553
OFF TO THE STATION 560
PAL'S PUZZLES 224, 448, 668
THINNER-OUT, THE 218
TWO STYLES, THE 112
UNBELIEVERS' CLUB, THE 440
SINGING BOB. By ALICE MAUD MEADOWS 197
(_Illustrations_ by W. C. SYMONS.)
SMILE, THE BIRTH OF A 306
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by Messrs. ELLIOTT &
FRY.)
SPEAKER'S CHAIR, FROM BEHIND THE. By HENRY W. LUCY 189, 388, 481, 645
(_Illustrations_ by F. C. GOULD.)
TERRIBLE NEW YEAR'S EVE, A. By KATHLEEN HUDDLESTON 55
(_Illustrations_ by W. CHRISTIAN SYMONS.)
THAT STOUT GERMAN. By F. BAYFORD HARRISON 242
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
THREE GOLD HAIRS OF OLD VSEVEDE, THE. A STORY FOR
CHILDREN 546
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
WATCHES OF ALL TIMES 666
WYNDHAM, MR. CHARLES. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED
INTERVIEWS") 513
ZEALOUS SENTINEL, A. AN INCIDENT OF THE SIEGE OF PARIS 435
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
ZIG-ZAGS AT THE ZOO. By A. G. MORRISON.
XIX.--ZIG-ZAG BATRACHIAN 33
XX.--ZIG-ZAG DASYPIDIAN 141
XXI.--ZIG-ZAG SCANSORIAL 246
XXII.--ZIG-ZAG SAURIAN 374
XXIII.--ZIG-ZAG SIMIAN 457
XXIV.--ZIG-ZAG RODOPORCINE 590
(_Illustrations_ by J. A. SHEPHERD.)
GEORGE NEWNES, LIMITED, 8, 9, 10, AND 11, SOUTHAMPTON STREET, AND
EXETER STREET, STRAND, W.C.
Transcriber's Notes:
Simple spelling, grammar, and typographical errors were
silently corrected.
Anachronistic and non-standard spellings retained as printed.
Italics markup is enclosed in _underscores_.
Title page added by transcriber.