I would in General, have doubled the Praemiums of most of the Articles,
which the Society has yet promoted, and in some of the most important
Improvements and Manufactures, I would have trebled them. By this
Means, it is hardly credible, what a Progress we should make, in all
those Subjects of Husbandry and manual Arts in a few Years; and how we
should work up the Industry and Skill of our People, by every Incentive
that Profit or Glory could give them. I formerly reckoned up many
Articles which I may probably seem tedious in repeating now, but you
will make Allowances for my Fondness and Folly, as you know Mr. _Dean_;
a Lover would as soon be tired with dwelling on the Praises of his
Mistress, as I can be with naming the Things, or the Methods by which I
flattered myself I could have served poor _Ireland_. The reflecting on
them made my Life pleasant to me when upon Earth, and the Remembrance
of them, sweetens my Grave to me; and therefore, though you may think
them but Dreams, allow me the Pleasure of repeating them. I say, then,
with the highest Joy of Heart, that the enlarging and improving our
neglected Tillage, the encouraging and heightening our old decaying
Manufactures, and the setting up new ones should have been the great
Care of my Life, and the extending the Force and Use of the Society,
when thus advanced to its Manhood, beyond what the Weakness and
Inexperience of its infantine State could perform. I would have nursed
up Crowds of Orphan Arts, and as they grew up, and could shift for
themselves, I would have wean'd them, and brought a new Succession of
others in their Place, as far as the Narrowness of the Fund would allow
me. I would have brought over foreign Workmen of all Trades and
Professions; I would have set up Glass Manufactures of all Kinds near
our Collieries; I would have established our Earthen-Ware in the most
effectual Manner, and if possible (by bringing over Hands from
_Birmingham_) I would have improved our Hard-ware to such a Degree of
Perfection as to stop that terrible Drain of our Cash. I had also
designed to allow large Encouragements to bring over Foreigners for
improving our Silk and Thread Bone-lace for enlarging our Paper and
Sugar Business, which would be a Saving of many thousand Pounds every
Year to _Ireland_.
SWIFT. Here is a fine Bundle of Hopes for a Man in Despair to live
comfortably on! But pray now _Tom_, have you done reckoning up all your
mighty Projects to make _Ireland_ another _Utopia_? I am almost at the
End of my Patience, for to say Truth, _Tom_, the List of the Ships in
_Homer_'s Iliad is not more tedious.
PRIOR. Why, Mr. _Dean_, to teize you as little as I can, I will drop a
Number of others, and only touch cursorily on the Advancement of our
Silk Manufactures of every Kind, as well as our Tapestry. I would have
encouraged our Salt-works, and our Ship-building, and I would have set
on Foot a Society, to have set up and directed our Fisheries both in
the North and South Coasts of this Island. If I durst take in smaller
Matters, I would have set up an experimental Farm and Garden, and in
Time allowed a Salary for a Professor in Agriculture, which _Columella_
you know so much laments the Want of, and I would have given an yearly
Praemium of 100 _l._ for the best annual Invention in Arts and
Husbandry, as much for the best Book yearly in any of the Sciences, and
the same for the best _English_ Poem; as Nations are apt to judge of
each other's Genius and Talents (I will not say how justly) by the
Performances they produce this Way. Nay, Mr. _Dean_, I would have
advis'd a Praemium of at least 100 _l._ annually, to be given by the
Society for the best Picture, and also, as much for the best Piece of
Sculpture, or Statue; as these two Arts have ever been consider'd as
the chief Marks and Characteristics of a polite and sensible Nation,
and have always flourish'd where ever Arts or Learning have been
encouraged. I had Thoughts of stopping the vast drain of our People to
_America_, by hiring Ships which trade thither, to bring back every
_Irishman gratis_, who disliked the Country, and would rail at it when
he got Home. Nay, I had even Thoughts of printing a Collection in
Folio, of all the best _Irish_ Pamphlets, or at least, of all the best
Hints in them, relating to the Service of our Country. I would have
done my utmost to have gotten the best and noblest Members of the
Society (as great and good Men communicate Virtue to their Friends as
the Loadstone invigorates the Needle it touches) to have petitioned the
Parliament for sumptuary Laws, for Hospitals in every County Town, for
establishing a national Bank, for illuminating our Coasts, with
Light-houses as carefully as our Streets with Lamps; for applying to
his Majesty for a Mint for our Copper and Silver Coinage, and also for
hardening it to prevent its wearing; as well as for forming Canals for
assisting our inland Navigation, and for working up our Collieries, and
opening those hidden Treasures our Mines. I would have promoted by
judicious Praemiums.----
SWIFT. Hold! Stop! Where is the Man going? Are you sailing in Quest of
the North-West Passage to make a short Cut to Wealth and Trade of your
own imagining? You boddered me enough with many of these Articles
already, and do you expect I can be as little tired with them as you
are? Whenever you enter upon this Subject, you run on, Head foremost,
like a mad Hound on the Road, without minding what's before you; weak
Men, I find, tho' they cannot Think without Talking, can Talk without
Thinking. Was there ever such a Hodge-Podge of Reveries, mustered up by
a living Author, to say nothing of a dead one, that should have a
little more Sense? Why there is not in all _Bedlam_, a Man so absurdly
distracted by an Over-load of Projects. You are a sweet Politician
indeed, _Tom_, and just as fit to conquer Nations as to mend them. What
enthusiastical Delusions stuff thy Noddle? Will you never remember
_mundus vult vadere quo vult_ and be satisfied to leave the World to
him that made it, and Kingdoms to those he has appointed to govern
them? These high flown Whims of yours, are just as practicable, as
_Archimedes_ his moving the Earth out of its Place, and it provokes me
to hear such impossible Projects declaim'd on by such a Visionary, such
a Stockjobber in Politicks!
PRIOR. You try my Temper too far, I neither can nor will bear your
insolent contemptuous Way of conversing, or your opprobrious provoking
Language. If you attack my favourite Foible with such Acrimony, you
must expect I will not spare some of yours: As for your sneering at my
Politicks, I own I never was a Politician, nor did I ever set up for
one. I had too rational an Head, I thank Heaven, and too honest an
Heart, to allow me to make any great Progress that Way. And now, Mr.
_Dean_, I must tell you very frankly, I never saw or heard any eminent
Proofs of your extraordinary Skill as a Politician, except a vast Crowd
of Pamphlets; And what are they but the mere Cobwebs of Politicks, that
owe their Birth to the House being neglected, and are all swept away
when it is clean'd? You was a pretty good Patriot, but you had so much
of the Politician, the next to taking Care of others, you loved to take
Care of yourself, and all possible Care too. You kept a good Byass on
your Bowl to get near the Jack at long run and secure a Mitre; and tho'
when you were disappointed, you furiously attack'd the Ministry and
pleaded your Country's Cause with due Resentment; yet even then, your
Revenge when over-tired, slept like an Hare with its Eyes open, that
while you watch'd for the publick Good, you should not overlook your
own. Besides, let me tell you _Dean_, if you will be taunting, that if
the political Secrets of the latter End of the Queen's Reign were
detected, you would be found as rank a Jacobite as many Authors in
those Days represented you to the World.
SWIFT. I think you have borrowed some of their sort of Spite, for you
seem to be in a great Fury with little Reason for it. But I must tell
you, Sir, though those Authors were ever mistaken when they called me a
_Jacobite_, I never was in the wrong when I called them Fools. As for
your political Secrets, let me be allowed to set you right, for I
assure you there are no such Things in _England_. Men are such sievish
leaky Mortals there, that they can't conceal even their own Rogueries;
for political Secrets told to _Britons_, tho' under Vows of Secrecy,
are like Bonds for great Sums seal'd in private, but Judgment is soon
enter'd up in the public Offices; and all the World knows in a trice
what has pass'd. As for the kind Hints those Writers Honoured me with,
I assure you, Sir, I despised them as sincerely as your Anger now.
Their Talents were incapable of hurting any but themselves, and
therefore I forgave them, as the Law pardons Children and Ideots. It is
true, where their Spite appeared very invenom'd, I took other Measures;
for then, as the Statute speaks of Boys, _Malitia suplet aetatem_
(Malice supplies their Want of Age) and I pepper'd them off
notwithstanding their Folly, to frighten silly Scribblers from playing
with such edg'd Tools again. But after all, what were their Works
against me, but a mere hot Hash of cold Meat, of fifty half read
political Authors, and unknown common-place Party-Writers, mix'd up
with common Reports, and a few insipid lifeless Scraps of their own
tasteless Trash and factious Venom.
PRIOR. We that are dead and love Truth, know that most Books, and
especially Party Books are made like their Paper of old Scraps and Rags
pickt up here and there; but however, their Works in those Days pleased
the World, had an infinite number of Applauders, and made you
sufficiently jealous of the Talents of their Authors.
SWIFT. I jealous! I detest, I renounce the Thought! I was never jealous
of any Man but my self, lest I should fall short of that Glory, which I
knew I had gained, and feared I might lose again. I ever judg'd when a
Man has wrote a good Book, he should Stop as _Jupiter_ did when he
begot _Hercules_, left his next Production, should be found vastly
beneath the former; and therefore I was as suspicious of my scribling
Temper, as Physicians say an over-fed Glutton should be of his Finger's
Ends. But I scorn'd my Antagonists too much, to be jealous of them, or
even to be Angry with them; for tho' they abused me very Generally and
very Grosly, my chief Delight was, that they never reviled me so much
as when I was in my greatest Glory, as Dogs never are so apt to Bark at
the Moon, as when she is at the Full. Besides, let me tell you, testy
Sir, with the old Poet _Nomina mille, mille nocendi Artes_. 'Tis so
easy to be malicious, and at the same time so mean, that true Worth
never Triumphs so eminently over its Enemies, as when they expose their
Weakness and Envy by reviling it. It is true, many Scriblers busied
themselves with Criticising and Decrying my Works; but they were so far
from disturbing me, I made the best Use of them, by improving my
Productions; for Criticks to good Writers, are like their own Dust to
Diamonds, good for nothing but just to polish them, and them only. I
Jealous! No really, Sir, there was no Occasion for it; the very Wit of
my Writings kept all the laughing Part of Mankind on my Side, and I
never lived in any Times where reasoning was much regarded by the
common Herd of Readers or Talkers.
PRIOR. A pretty Confession for an Author, Truly! and yet since you have
stirred my Gall, I must tell you, that we may say of the brightest of
your Writings, what I said in one of my Exercises at School of Mr.
_Cowlry_.
_With all the Graces, all the Faults of Wit,
You both adorn'd and blemisht all you writ._
I am sure you had often such a quick running hand way of thinking, that
you frequently left your meaning behind you. But I am not angry enough
to make any severe Remarks of my own, on the numerous Tracts you gave
the World; but there was one Objection every one agreed in, and that
was your banishing Divinity out of all your Compositions, and indeed
out of your Conversation; so that it should seem Mr. _Dean_, if I am
such a wretched Politician as you say, I may as fairly and more truly
tell you, that you have not shewn your self a very able Divine.
SWIFT. I smile at the Weakness of the Objection, but I am quite
delighted with the Malice of it. Let me tell you, Sir, I had something
else to do with my Divinity, than filling Pamphlets with it to make
madmen Merry, and wisemen Sick. There is a Decency, or shall I rather
say a Chastity in Writing or Thinking on such exalted Subjects, that
great Minds are apt to Cherish, which keeps them Cautious and
Diffident, where weak Men are as bold and as rash (to use an homely
Phrase) as a blind Mare in a Mire. I have known many silly Preachers,
and paperscull'd Writers in my Time, that were troubled with the
Divinity Squirt, and were forc'd to print, or to be tormented with the
Cholick, or foul themselves; and so they exposed their Nakedness to the
World, with all their Rhapsodies of dreaming Thoughts, borrowed Sense,
and hearsay Learning. I was none of those High Dutch Inkshiters as
somebody calls them; and instead of sending my Religion to the Press to
make other Men frantick, I kept mine at home to keep my self Sober. As
to the rest of your Objection, Sir, I must confess I did not talk much
of Divinity, nor did I love to hear others bring it into Conversation;
for it was always my Opinion, that tho' Divinity and Piety are at home
in the Church and the Closet, yet every where else they are used as
Strangers, and should be treated with the highest Respect and Ceremony.
The Practice Men have fallen into, of over-writing and over-talking
themselves on such Subjects, has done and is doing such harm in the
World, that I wonder it has not been hist out of it; but there are some
Persons so fond of haranguing, declaiming and setting out their Noise
to the Crowd, that if they wrote on Geometry or Algebra, they would
flourish and use Tropes and Figures to shew their Parts and their
Eloquence, and so in spite of all Advice and Experience, Divinity and
Religion must be bother'd out of their Senses by Praters and Scriblers
and half Thinkers.
But prithee _Tom_, let my Divinity alone. Why should you strive to vex
me by throwing Dirt at me now, tho' you know I was never disturbed by
such impotent Petulance, when I was above Ground; or else I had
Revilers enough to make me as Sick of _Ireland_, after all the Service
I had done it by my Pen, as ever King _William_ was of _England_, after
he had delivered it by his Sword. But let us put an End to this ugly
Brawl, which even the Passion and Impudence of the living might blush
at. It is a shame _Tom_, for old Friends to Quarrel for such miserable
Trifles, and for the dead to grow so angry at them; puts us in as bad a
Light, as the half-witted Fools that are still crawling on the Earth.
Prithee be calm and cool as the Grave ought to make you, and let us
agree to drop this fit of ill Humour, and I shall make you a Proposal
that I hope will give you the highest Pleasure. If you will lay aside
your Resentment for my abusing your Schemes, I will offer you one, that
if ever it comes to be embraced, will make _Ireland_ one of the
fortunate Islands.
PRIOR. Make me Master of that important Secret, and convince me of its
being probable and practicable, and my anger is over in an Instant,
like an Infant's. Dear _Dean_, you rejoyce my Heart with the very hint
you have dropt, and let me beg of you to communicate the whole to me.
SWIFT. Why my Scheme is entirely bottom'd on that happy one of your
Society's Premiums but so completely secur'd from my old Objection of
the narrowness and uncertainty of its Fund, as to make the force of the
Engine quite equal to the Work 'tis designed for. No one can have an
higher Opinion than I of the salutary Effects, which publick and
honorary Rewards have on the human Mind; and above all, when the
Society's Fund does not depend on Charities given by Scraps and casual
Helps quite inadequate to her extended Views, but on the publick Faith,
and the great Source of all our Supplies the national Bounty, and the
Zeal, the Generosity, the good Sense of our _Irish_ Representatives. It
is as shameful to see a Kingdom depending on private Contributions, as
a _Ballysarius_ begging of a common Soldier. The King thought so when
he extended his royal Munificence to us, and tho' he cannot help all,
or do all; he has shewn us he desires it, and would gladly spur us on
to Exert ourselves, and be more generally Active and Busy. This
illustrious Example makes me confident, that if in imitation of his
Majesty, the Parliament should resolve to assist us; it would be the
noblest and quickest Method of relieving all our Wants, and banishing
Indolence and Misery for ever from _Ireland_.
PRIOR. I embrace the lucky Thought, and hope if it be followed, it may
be for ever Propitious to this poor Kingdom. I remember he that first
introduced that obvious, but happy Scheme of Premiums; used often to
declare that the Method of Private Subscriptions was but a mere
transitory Shift to set up with, and give a Proof of what Effects they
would produce; but that Parliamentary Aids were the only adequate Funds
we could thrive by. I often used to tell him my Fears, that such
Assistances were not to be hoped for, and I own I have some Doubt, that
there are some Objections against such extraordinary Helps now.
SWIFT. I know them as well as you, _Tom_, but there are none take my
Word for it, but what are surmountable by the Spirit and Honour of an
_Irish_ Parliament. I dare pawn all that is dear to me among Men, that
if our Senators will Vote 4000 _l._ _per Ann._ to the Society, that is
1000 _l._ to each of the Provinces, to encourage Tillage, enliven every
Art and Manufacture, promote every Good, and remove every Evil among
us; we should before the End of this Century, be as much the Envy of
our Neighbouring Nations, as we are now their Contempt. As they would
inspect over the Distribution of all they gave, there can be no fear of
Misapplication, or the low Tricks of Jobbing; and as a Tax either on
Deals or Wines, on Paper or Stampt-paper, News-papers, or Almanacks; on
Plays, Musick-Meetings, Assemblies, on Lands sold, on Swords or Jewels
worn on our Crowds of useless Servants or thoughtless Travellers, would
most of them furnish us with sufficient Funds. I can see nothing to
prevent so blessed a Purpose. I remember an illustrious Friend of ours
used to say, it would be no bad Way, if in all future Parliaments,
every Member should be obliged to add to the present Oaths he takes,
one plain one, that he would do his utmost to promote the Manufactures
of this Country, the Industry of the People, and to secure Bread and
Fire at Home to the miserable Poor. But if the present Parliament
should give a Vote of Credit for 4000 _l._ a Year to the Society, it
would make such an Oath quite unnecessary, and they would enable them
by that single Measure to give all our Affairs a new Face, and put us
at once in the happiest Situation that Activity and Affluence could
procure us.
PRIOR. I have such a Confidence in the Concurrence of Men of all
Parties in so glorious a Design, that I begin to look already on this
Affair as certain and settled. There are such Crowds of sincere and
hearty Friends to their Country in that honourable Assembly, that I
fully persuade my self, they will never grudge so small a Sum to this
plain and evident Method of laying the Foundation on which the
Prosperity of _Ireland_ may stand for ever. We should then see
prodigious Changes for the better, and no more hear such complaining in
our Streets of no Trade, no Arts or Artists, or Encouragement for them
in _Ireland_. This depends on ourselves and the Spirit and Votes of our
own generous Commons, who will be bless'd by Posterity for thus making
their Zeal, the great Source of Wealth, Industry, Plenty and Peace
amongst us. Indeed, when I consider how shameful it wou'd be, if,
through any undue Influence we should want every Support in our Power
to give our People to enliven, enrich, or distinguish our Country; I
grow almost Confident of such a blessed Assistance. This is helping our
Families, our Dependants, our Tenants and Fellow-Citizens, the present
and future Generations. Every Acre the Society would by this means
improve (and they would improve Millions) would be so much additional
Wealth to the Kingdom; every Art they set up; every manual Trade they
encourage, will be a new strength to us, and will spread themselves as
fast thro' the Kingdom as our Rivers do their vital Juices thro' our
Plains.
SWIFT. Well, _Tom_, I am glad our Disputes are at an End, that I have
pleased you at last, and made you entirely prefer my Methods of
assisting the Society to your own. It is certain, a Vote of Parliament
has often set up useful Manufactures here, and this will be but a
general one, for the setting up all. Nor is there any Cause to doubt of
this publick Bounty, for tho' private Men are penurious, Nations are
generous, and the publick Money is so easily raised, is paid by so
many, and hurts so few, that even a Parliament of Misers might be
Charitable. Every body is well disposed to bestow bounteously out of
his Neighbour's Purse, to good Purposes, tho' he may be close enough or
cautious enough, to save his own; and at the same Time, the Publick is
certainly the proper and natural Guardian of its own Wants and
Interests. In short, _Tom_, the Thing is so manifest and self-evident,
that I dare pronounce the Day is coming, when Votes to set on foot such
Undertakings, proposed by skilful Artists, and to encourage publick
Works, will be as common as Addresses to the King, and Congratulations
to our Lord Lieutenants. As we ought to give to _Ireland_, and to help
our poor Country as well as his Majesty; and as no Money given by any
People, can be productive, of so much and so general a Good to all, as
this 4000 _l._ _per Ann._; as it will be manag'd by such clean Hands,
and such clear Heads and faithful Hearts, as it will be directed by an
Industry that never slackens, and by a Society which by the King's
Goodness to us, can never die, I am sure we shall not be denied it.
This is really the truest and noblest Use of Riches, for to give and
relieve Thousands, is the best View on which we can either gather or
disperse them, and above all when the Charity begins at home, and helps
and makes happy our wanting Brethren. This Design must give the highest
Joy to the Parliament, which supports and enforces it, for it is
certainly a vast Pleasure to a Patriot any way to assist in alleviating
and assisting the Wants of his indigent Countrymen; but how much must
his Joy be encreas'd, and what must he feel, who bestows Knowledge,
Virtue and Industry, to Millions of his Fellow-Citizens? To give to
such noble Ends, seems to be transcending the Limits of Humanity, and
wou'd look like usurping on the Power of Heaven, if the Creator had not
transform'd it, to a Kind of Homage to himself.
PRIOR. Dear _Dean_, I forgive you any Trifle that offended me in our
Dialogue, and I thank you from my Soul for this happy Expedient to
serve our Country so evidently and effectually. If once our
Representatives will let us feel and know, that Industry in _Ireland_,
shall never be unrewarded, nor Arts neglected, we shall soon learn that
in so fertile a Country, no Man who has Hands and will use them, can
ever want either the Necessaries or Conveniences of Life. This Help
from our Parliament wou'd turn in a little Time our Desarts into
Gardens, our Famines into Plenty, our Herdsmen into Farmers, our
Beggars into Labourers, our Villages of starving Cottagers, into Towns
swarming with Artists, and our Beasts into Men; nay every Hill wou'd be
cultivated, every Valley ornamented, and our Lands as much improv'd as
our Roads.