CONNIE’S DREAM.
Mr. Turner, being a good mechanic as well as surgeon, proceeded to
invent, and with his own hands in a great measure construct, a kind of
litter, which, with a water-bed laid upon it, could be placed in our
own carriage for Connie to lie upon, and from that lifted, without
disturbing her, and placed in a similar manner in the railway carriage.
He had laid Connie repeatedly upon it before he was satisfied that
the arrangement of the springs, &c., was successful. But at length she
declared that it was perfect, and that she would not mind being carried
across the Arabian desert on a camel’s back with that under her.
As the season advanced, she continued to improve. I shall never forget
the first time she was carried out upon the lawn. If you can imagine an
infant coming into the world capable of the observation and delight of
a child of eight or ten, you will have some idea of how Connie received
the new impressions of everything around her. They were almost too much
for her at first, however. She who had been used to scamper about like a
wild thing on a pony, found the delight of a breath of wind almost more
than she could bear. After she was laid down she closed her eyes, and
the smile that flickered about her mouth was of a sort that harmonised
entirely with the two great tears that crept softly out from under her
eyelids, and sank, rather than ran, down her cheeks. She lay so that she
faced a rich tract of gently receding upland, plentifully wooded to the
horizon’s edge, and through the wood peeped the white and red houses of
a little hamlet, with the square tower of its church just rising above
the trees. A kind of frame was made to the whole picture by the nearer
trees of our own woods, through an opening in which, evidently made or
left for its sake, the distant prospect was visible. It was a morning in
early summer, when the leaves were not quite full-grown but almost, and
their green was shining and pure as the blue of the sky, when the air
had no touch of bitterness or of lassitude, but was thoroughly warm, and
yet filled the lungs with the reviving as of a draught of cold water. We
had fastened the carriage umbrella to the sofa, so that it should shade
her perfectly without obscuring her prospect; and behind this we all
crept, leaving her to come to herself without being looked at, for
emotion is a shy and sacred thing and should be tenderly hidden by those
who are near. The bees kept very _beesy_ all about us. To see one huge
fellow, as big as three ordinary ones with pieces of red and yellow
about him, as if he were the beadle of all bee-dom, and overgrown in
consequence--to see him, I say, down in a little tuft of white clover,
rolling about in it, hardly able to move for fatness, yet bumming away
as if his business was to express the delight of the whole creation--was
a sight! Then there were the butterflies, so light that they seemed
to tumble up into the air, and get down again with difficulty. They
bewildered me with their inscrutable variations of purpose. “If I could
but see once, for an hour, into the mind of a butterfly,” I thought, “it
would be to me worth all the natural history I ever read. If I could but
see why he changes his mind so often and so suddenly--what he saw about
that flower to make him seek it--then why, on a nearer approach, he
should decline further acquaintance with it, and go rocking away through
the air, to do the same fifty times over again--it would give me an
insight into all animal and vegetable life that ages of study could not
bring me up to.” I was thinking all this behind my daughter’s umbrella,
while a lark, whose body had melted quite away in the heavenly spaces,
was scattering bright beads of ringing melody straight down upon our
heads; while a cock was crowing like a clarion from the home-farm, as if
in defiance of the golden glitter of his silent brother on the roof of
the stable; while a little stream that scampered down the same slope
as the lawn lay upon, from a well in the stable-yard, mingled its
sweet undertone of contentment with the jubilation of the lark and the
business-like hum of the bees; and while white clouds floated in the
majesty of silence across the blue deeps of the heavens. The air was so
full of life and reviving, that it seemed like the crude substance that
God might take to make babies’ souls of--only the very simile smells of
materialism, and therefore I do not like it.
“Papa,” said Connie at length, and I was beside her in a moment. Her
face looked almost glorified with delight: there was a hush of that awe
upon it which is perhaps one of the deepest kinds of delight. She put
out her thin white hand, took hold of a button of my coat, drew me down
towards her, and said in a whisper:
“Don’t you think God is here, papa?”
“Yes, I do, my darling,” I answered.
“Doesn’t _he_ enjoy this?”
“Yes, my dear. He wouldn’t make us enjoy it if he did not enjoy it. It
would be to deceive us to make us glad and blessed, while our Father
did not care about it, or how it came to us. At least it would amount to
making us no longer his children.”
“I am so glad you think so. I do. And I shall enjoy it so much more
now.”
She could hardly finish her sentence, but burst out sobbing so that I
was afraid she would hurt herself. I saw, however, that it was best to
leave her to quiet herself, and motioned to the rest to keep back and
let her recover as she could. The emotion passed off in a summer shower,
and when I went round once more, her face was shining just like a wet
landscape after the sun has come out and Nature has begun to make gentle
game of her own past sorrows. In a little while, she was merry--merrier,
notwithstanding her weakness, than I think I had ever seen her before.
“Look at that comical sparrow,” she said. “Look how he cocks his head
first on one side and then on the other. Does he want us to see him? Is
he bumptious, or what?”
“I hardly know, my dear. I think sparrows are very like schoolboys;
and I suspect that if we understood the one class thoroughly, we should
understand the other. But I confess I do not yet understand either.”
“Perhaps you will when Charlie and Harry are old enough to go to
school,” said Connie.
“It is my only chance of making any true acquaintance with the
sparrows,” I answered. “Look at them now,” I exclaimed, as a little
crowd of them suddenly appeared where only one had stood a moment
before, and exploded in objurgation and general unintelligible
excitement. After some obscure fluttering of wings and pecking, they all
vanished except two, which walked about in a dignified manner, trying
apparently to seem quite unconscious each of the other’s presence.
“I think it was a political meeting of some sort,” said Connie, laughing
merrily.
“Well, they have this advantage over us,” I answered, “that they get
through their business whatever it may be, with considerably greater
expedition than we get through ours.”
A short silence followed, during which Connie lay contemplating
everything.
“What do you think we girls are like, then, papa?” she asked at length.
“Don’t say you don’t know, now.”
“I ought to know something more about you than I do about schoolboys.
And I think I do know a little about girls--not much though. They puzzle
me a good deal sometimes. I know what a great-hearted woman is, Connie.”
“You can’t help doing that, papa,” interrupted Connie, adding with her
old roguishness, “You mustn’t pass yourself off for very knowing for
that. By the time Wynnie is quite grown up, your skill will be tried.”
“I hope I shall understand her then, and you too, Connie.”
A shadow, just like the shadow of one of those white clouds above us,
passed over her face, and she said, trying to smile:
“I shall never grow up, papa. If I live, I shall only be a girl at
best--a creature you can’t understand.”
“On the contrary, Connie, I think I understand you almost as well as
mamma. But there isn’t so much to understand yet, you know, as there
will be.”
Her merriment returned.
“Tell me what girls are like, then, or I shall sulk all day because you
say there isn’t so much in me as in mamma.”
“Well, I think, if the boys are like sparrows, the girls are like
swallows. Did you ever watch them before rain, Connie, skimming about
over the lawn as if it were water, low towards its surface, but never
alighting? You never see them grubbing after worms. Nothing less than
things with wings like themselves will satisfy them. They will be
obliged to the earth only for a little mud to build themselves nests
with. For the rest, they live in the air, and on the creatures of the
air. And then, when they fancy the air begins to be uncivil, sending
little shoots of cold through their warm feathers, they vanish. They
won’t stand it. They’re off to a warmer climate, and you never know till
you find they’re not there any more. There, Connie!”
“I don’t know, papa, whether you are making game of us or not. If you
are not, then I wish all you say were quite true of us. If you are then
I think it is not quite like you to be satirical.”
“I am no believer in satire, Connie. And I didn’t mean any. The swallows
are lovely creatures, and there would be no harm if the girls were
a little steadier than the swallows. Further satire than that I am
innocent of.”
“I don’t mind that much, papa. Only I’m steady enough, and no thanks to
me for it,” she added with a sigh.
“Connie,” I said, “it’s all for the sake of your wings that you’re kept
in your nest.”
She did not stay out long this first day, for the life the air gave
her soon tired her weak body. But the next morning she was brighter and
better, and longing to get up and go out again. When she was once more
laid on her couch on the lawn, in the midst of the world of light and
busy-ness, in which the light was the busiest of all, she said to me:
“Papa, I had such a strange dream last night: shall I tell it you?”
“If you please, my dear. I am very fond of dreams that have any sense
in them--or even of any that have good nonsense in them. I woke
this morning, saying to myself, ‘Dante, the poet, must have been a
respectable man, for he was permitted by the council of Florence to
carry the Nicene Creed and the Multiplication Table in his coat of
arms.’ Now tell me your dream.”
Connie laughed. All the household tried to make Connie laugh, and
generally succeeded. It was quite a triumph to Charlie or Harry, and was
sure to be recounted with glee at the next meal, when he succeeded in
making Connie laugh.
“Mine wasn’t a dream to make me laugh. It was too dreadful at first, and
too delightful afterwards. I suppose it was getting out for the first
time yesterday that made me dream it. I thought I was lying quite still,
without breathing even, with my hands straight down by my sides and my
eyes closed. I did not choose to open them, for I knew that if I did
I should see nothing but the inside of the lid of my coffin. I did not
mind it much at first, for I was very quiet, and not uncomfortable.
Everything was as silent as it should be, for I was ten feet and a half
under the surface of the earth in the churchyard. Old Sogers was not far
from me on one side, and that was a comfort; only there was a thick wall
of earth between. But as the time went on, I began to get uncomfortable.
I could not help thinking how long I should have to wait for the
resurrection. Somehow I had forgotten all that you teach us about that.
Perhaps it was a punishment--the dream--for forgetting it.”
“Silly child! Your dream is far better than your reflections.”
“Well, I’ll go on with my dream. I lay a long time till I got very
tired, and wanted to get up, O, so much! But still I lay, and although I
tried, I could not move hand or foot. At last I burst out crying. I was
ashamed of crying in my coffin, but I couldn’t bear it any longer.
I thought I was quite disgraced, for everybody was expected to be
perfectly quiet and patient down there. But the moment I began to cry,
I heard a sound. And when I listened it was the sound of spades and
pickaxes. It went on and on, and came nearer and nearer. And then--it
was so strange--I was dreadfully frightened at the idea of the light and
the wind, and of the people seeing me in my coffin and my night-dress,
and tried to persuade myself that it was somebody else they were digging
for, or that they were only going to lay another coffin over mine. And I
thought that if it was you, papa, I shouldn’t mind how long I lay there,
for I shouldn’t feel a bit lonely, even though we could not speak a word
to each other all the time. But the sounds came on, nearer and nearer,
and at last a pickaxe struck, with a blow that jarred me all through,
upon the lid of the coffin, right over my head.
“‘Here she is, poor thing!’ I heard a sweet voice say.
“‘I’m so glad we’ve found her,’ said another voice.
“‘She couldn’t bear it any longer,’ said a third more pitiful voice than
either of the others. ‘I heard her first,’ it went on. ‘I was away up in
Orion, when I thought I heard a woman crying that oughtn’t to be crying.
And I stopped and listened. And I heard her again. Then I knew that it
was one of the buried ones, and that she had been buried long enough,
and was ready for the resurrection. So as any business can wait except
that, I flew here and there till I fell in with the rest of you.’
“I think, papa, that this must have been because of what you were
saying the other evening about the mysticism of St. Paul; that while he
defended with all his might the actual resurrection of Christ and the
resurrection of those he came to save, he used it as meaning something
more yet, as a symbol for our coming out of the death of sin into the
life of truth. Isn’t that right, papa?”
“Yes, my dear; I believe so. But I want to hear your dream first, and
then your way of accounting for it.”
“There isn’t much more of it now.”
“There must be the best of it.”
“Yes; I allow that. Well, while they spoke--it was a wonderfully clear
and connected dream: I never had one like it for that, or for anything
else--they were clearing away the earth and stones from the top of my
coffin. And I lay trembling and expecting to be looked at, like a thing
in a box as I was, every moment. But they lifted me, coffin and all, out
of the grave, for I felt the motion of it up. Then they set it down, and
I heard them taking the lid off. But after the lid was off, it did not
seem to make much difference to me. I could not open my eyes. I saw no
light, and felt no wind blowing upon me. But I heard whispering about
me. Then I felt warm, soft hands washing my face, and then I felt wafts
of wind coming on my face, and thought they came from the waving of
wings. And when they had washed my eyes, the air came upon them so sweet
and cool! and I opened them, I thought, and here I was lying on this
couch, with butterflies and bees flitting and buzzing about me, the
brook singing somewhere near me, and a lark up in the sky. But there
were no angels--only plenty of light and wind and living creatures.
And I don’t think I ever knew before what happiness meant. Wasn’t it a
resurrection, papa, to come out of the grave into such a world as this?”
“Indeed it was, my darling--and a very beautiful and true dream. There
is no need for me to moralise it to you, for you have done so for
yourself already. But not only do I think that the coming out of sin
into goodness, out of unbelief into faith in God, is like your dream;
but I do expect that no dream of such delight can come up to the sense
of fresh life and being that we shall have when we get on the higher
body after this one won’t serve our purpose any longer, and is worn out
and cast aside. The very ability of the mind, whether of itself, or by
some inspiration of the Almighty, to dream such things, is a proof of
our capacity for such things, a proof, I think, that for such things we
were made. Here comes in the chance for faith in God--the confidence in
his being and perfection that he would not have made us capable without
meaning to fill that capacity. If he is able to make us capable, that is
the harder half done already. The other he can easily do. And if he is
love he will do it. You should thank God for that dream, Connie.”
“I was afraid to do that, papa.”
“That is as much as to fear that there is one place to which David
might have fled, where God would not find him--the most terrible of all
thoughts.”
“Where do you mean, papa?”
“Dreamland, my dear. If it is right to thank God for a beautiful
thought--I mean a thought of strength and grace giving you fresh life
and hope--why should you be less bold to thank him when such thoughts
arise in plainer shape--take such vivid forms to your mind that they
seem to come through the doors of the eyes into the vestibule of the
brain, and thence into the inner chambers of the soul?”